The Other Side

And They Lived Happily Ever After

2011-10-04T14:04:00.000-07:00

I may post again in this space, I may not, but I thought there should be at least some kind of update. Especially for those who might be considering egg donation and wondering how they might adjust in the long term. Well, next term or medium term might be a better phrase.

While I am open about the process of our children's conception, I know they really don't get it at all. You are supposed to tell kids before age 4, but how do you tell it in terms they can understand? The other day we were driving past the building where our children were conceived and I thought of an opportunity . . . "LB, that is the building where mommy, daddy and Belinda made you and LBII. Belinda is the lady who donated a cell to mommy and with daddy's cell we created you."

Already I was thinking it was over her head. It was. She responded by pointing at a different building and said, "That is my building and that (the one I pointed at) is your building."

Well, I tried.

Seriously though, life is good. The other day I was thinking that it is as good as it was prior to TTC when Brad and I would quietly talk about how lucky we were - a little afraid that if we said it too loud then our luck would end.

In most ways, I suppose, we are just like any other family. There are a few times when I feel the sadness from not having our mutually genetic baby. There are times when I wonder what he or she would have been like. There are times when I still feel resentful that it was my genetics who got axed when I think they could have been preserved had we not needed IVF (and gotten pregnant back when I was only 34) due to MFI. But those times are fewer and fewer and they never hold the ache that they once did. I still don't think it will ever entirely go away, but compared to waking up in the middle of the night while I was pregnant with LB thinking that we made a mistake - well, that is quite the difference.

One interesting moment recently came up when (I am assuming) LB noticed how often LBII was said to look like her father. LB said, "Mommy, I look like you and LBII looks like daddy." I agreed with her - justifying it because she looks like me in her mannerisms at least. Plus I saw no reason to contradict her. What would be the value in pointing out our differences? We look alike if she says we look alike because she sees it that way.

It has made me thoughtful, however. I wonder if she really thinks she looks like me or if she is trying to solidify her place in the family. I wonder what challenges will be to come as her conception becomes more understood. I think we will find our way.

The whole IVF, infertility, DE stuff does change things. I was thinking the other day that when we froze LBII we knew the thaw rate (thank goodness vitrification is now possible!) was 50%. I then saw it from the other side . . . OMG WHAT DID WE DO?! WE RISKED LBII'S LIFE!" When else would you chose to put your child through something that had only a 50% survival rate? Well, we didn't know her then and transferring her earlier may have meant we never would know her. I am convinced I have transferred good embryos that just didn't implant. Heck, it happens all the time all over the world - we just don't know it.

Then I was watching them play - as older and younger siblings play - and wondered how they might have been different if we transferred them at the same time (assuming both would be born no matter what we did) or in reverse order? It is mind twisting sometimes.

But I digress. I really meant to just say that the method of their conception still comes up here and there, I still mourn the loss of my genetic child to some degree and, most importantly, we are very happy. I am so glad we decided to move on and have children in the way that we did.

Dollars and Sense

2011-04-25T13:47:00.000-07:00

Popping in on a random day to add my 2 cents (is that a pun?) to Write Mind Open Heart's Dollars and $ense discussion.

Consider your now or future children as adults, and consider the fact that you had to spend money to either conceive them or make them part of your family. What effect do you think the latter will have on the former one day? What, do you think, your grown children might feel about the funds it took to create your family?

I don't think it will matter to them. It's like telling your children, "Hey! I changed your diapers!" We know that was a way to communicate love, they see it as just your job. I suspect it will be a running joke, but even that is hard to say. We don't really talk about it now, but I imagine things like, "Sorry, we would love to help out with college, but we spent your college fund on your conception."

That said, it has impacted our lifestyle so that may have a long term impact on who they are. We would have had more money for something if we didn't spend $70,000 plus on conceptions.

How did/would you handle it if your child asks you, “Mom, how much did I cost?” How would you answer at age 7? At age 18?

I suppose at age 7 I would give the conception cost, but at 18 I imagine rolling my eyes and just answering "Thousands and thousands" since I am sure the cost of raising them will still be more than the conception. Gosh, I hope not, but I think I have seen statistics to show that is true.

When calculating the costs of your family building, what do you include? The direct costs are easy (such as RE fees for a cycle or homestudy fees), but what about fees that didn’t directly lead to your child’s existence in your life, such as cycles that didn’t work, adoption outreach avenues that didn’t work, failed adoptions, avenues that were explored (and that cost something) but not pursued, etc.?

I included everything we paid for directly: testing, IUI's, counseling, acupuncture, supplements. I didn't include births, but I may have included the cost of Ernest's birth. I did not include the cost of lost wages which due to a job change around the time of our son's death lead me to be unemployed for awhile and then marginally employed and then unemployed again (job was NOT compatible with a grieving, childless mother).

If two children in a family “cost” different amounts, should that have any significance?

No, I see it as a total cost. I do expect to have some fun with it however. Perhaps referring to number 2 as our '$5,000 bonus baby'.

To what extent have finances determined the family-building decisions you have made? How have you able to balance financial considerations against other factors such as medical, ethical, emotional…?

With #1 (or #2 if you count the one that died) we were in the mode of "whatever it takes!" and I think the emotional impact would have stopped us before the financial. We are still in our 'starter' house, so the financial impact has been a huge part, but I think we could have ran up a lot more debt before we called it quits.

Thankfully, or second and last was born from an FET and we don't want more. Still, there are times when I think I might have had another kid it was free. Doubtful, but just maybe.

Try Again

2011-02-28T09:44:00.000-08:00

That article in Adoptive Families magazine is available online. I guess I could have said my article. Kind of cool, if I may say so myself.

Another Quick Update

2011-02-22T12:35:00.000-08:00

I am last, but wanted to say that the meeting with Belinda, our egg donor, was uneventful - which I think is a good thing. LB played with the barista and didn't seem that interested in Belinda, but a week later was talking about her. I was a bit nervous because I am never really sure if I am going to feel threatened or not and Belinda was a bit nervous because she was afraid I would judge her for some recent life choices. I wasn't threatened - although a little contemplative about who we are - and I certainly didn't judge Belinda. We vowed to get together more often and I hope we will. I want any relationship our daughters might want to have with their genetic contributor to be easy and I think the key to that is an easy relationship between her and me.

I have also recently been published! In Adoptive Families magazine, I have an article that combines a couple of my blog posts about going the DE route. I have to say, I am pretty excited. Unfortunately, it doesn't not seem to be available online. If you want the looooong version of the story, you can go to this post and then this one.

For those of you who might be finding me for the first time due to the article, I would like to say that I am not as sad about using DE as I once was. If I think about how we were finally able to have children, I still feel a loss and a sense of failure, but those feelings stem from every single cycle - assisted or not - that failed and the hell that we went through. Yes, I also still wonder if having been successful with my eggs would have been a sort of vindication, but that will never happen and I rarely think about it.

Our girls are wonderful little human beings and I hope they will have long, happy lives. I think about what genetics mean (Would having Brad's grandmother's wedding ring mean anything to them? Would having my grandmother's wedding ring mean the same?), but for the most part it is just a fact of their conception. They are who they are and I am the person who gets to be their mother.

Not What I Meant

2011-02-07T11:10:00.000-08:00

I just reread my last blog post. I shouldn't have blogged while working . . .I was going toward a lot more detail about Brad's mom's (Kay is her name) passing that would have made sense of it being 'good news' in some ways. I am still going to spare the details, but wanted to say that I am not happy that she died. One of the things that will be better (eventually) is that we will no longer be waiting and hoping that she would change her mind and want to be a grandmother to our children. It is harder now because the hope is gone, but we will also now put it entirely behind us.

It is interesting how many aspects of my life I look at differently because of the use of donor eggs. Kay didn't want to be involved in our lives or our children's lives. In the past I might have left it at that. Now I think that just because Kay didn't want to be a grandparent shouldn't mean that our kids couldn't have someone fill that role. I am seriously considering shopping around for some surrogate grandparents. Who cares if it isn't someone who is one of our parents? I have great memories of time with my grandparents and it would be nice for our girls to have similar experiences.

Just for the record . . . my mom is alive and involved with the kids. We hope she lives another decade or two but she has heart problems and not sure that is likely.

Tonight we expect to get together with Belinda, our donor. We meant to before but plans got canceled. If we get together tonight then it will be the first time in over a year. It will be interesting to see how LB and Belinda get along. Will LB have some sixth-sense like connection? I will try to post how it goes.

Finding Balance

2011-02-04T13:27:00.000-08:00

I was dying in the dessert for lack of water. I longed with my whole being to quench my thirst. I dreamed of the day when my need would be fulfilled. I hoped again and again and survived disappointment when the water proved to be a mirage.

Now I am drinking from a fire hose.

How is that for balance? More like feast or famine. It is crazy how life works.

The good news is that Brad's mom died. It is sad and there is a lot of never-to-be-resolved issues between Brad and his mom. She wasn't a horrible mother, but she wasn't a very good one either. Her sister once said, "(Brad's mom) is just like me, she doesn't like kids." More than that, she was almost always negative and unhappy and did very little to change that. In fact she fostered it. She hated winter and spent the last winter of her life - knowing she would likely die before Spring - in a cold house rather than turn the heat up. She could easily afford it. For probably the first time ever, her house stays nice and warm so that those of us cleaning up and selling off stay comfortable.

All of this reminds me that now is the time to enjoy life. It is of course easier during times of feast than times of famine, but it is still too easy to forget how lucky I am. It is my nature to see what is missing. Lately, I have been much better about seeing what I have.

Things To Say

2010-12-13T11:27:00.000-08:00

I've got them, believe it or not. I have thoughts I want to share on being a donor egg mom, about remembering to live in the moment, about continuing to heal from IF hell, about how excited I am that the IRL support group I host has been able to expand to include a primary infertility only meeting, even some thoughts on parenting in general.

But what I have time for is this:

I am not much a fan of Christmas. Early on I hated the way it overshadowed my birthday (I will be 43 on the 19th), then I learned to dislike the commercialization and the way Christmas music blasted in all the stores now seems to have the undertone of "buy, buy, buy". Then I went from agnostic to atheist and the"Christ" part of Christmas seems silly. I still celebrate because the secular part of it is fun and I tend to think of it more of a solstice celebration than anything - which is probably the origins of the holiday.

One thing I love though, is the lights. In these long, dark, nights, I love to drive around and see all the lights. I think we should stop calling them Christmas Lights and start calling them Winter Lights. They should go up by mid November and stay until the end of January.

When I am in charge, I will make it so.

Happy Solstice to everyone. May you enjoy what you can and survive the rest.

Dying The Slow Death

2010-10-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

I think that may be the fate of my blog. It is not my intention, but it seems to be happening. I am not ready to officially walk away and maybe things will swing in the posting direction again.

Just a quick drive by today with a fark.com-like tag line:

You notice that you might just have some pre-fertile mucus do you: A) Mentally shrug your shoulders then forget all about it. B) Not-so-fondly remember your trying to conceive days and be thankful that those days are over. or C) Start mentally composing your text message to your babysitter to discreetly ask if she can babysit Wednesday, Thursday or maybe Friday and if she could please take the kids to her house this time - because you can't pass up the chance for a free baby no matter how remote the possibility.

Tomorrow will mark the 6th anniversary of Ernest's birth. There are so many what if's that go along with that.

His younger sisters are doing great. They can play together more and more every day and there are many times I think, "I am meant to do this (to be a mother)." Not in any spiritual sense, but by my genetic and environmental programming. It is nice to be on the other side.

Perfect Moment Monday: Remembering

2010-09-20T10:56:00.000-07:00

Lori always puts a caption at the beginning of her Perfect Moment Monday post:

Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one.

A couple of nights ago I was reading a story to LB to help her fall asleep. I was exhausted as none of us had slept well the night before due to the common cold. I knew it wasn't going to be a quick evening read because LB had taken a late, long nap. I cuddled up next to her in her big-girl-bed and we sat up knowing that asking her to lie down would only fuel her fight to stay awake. Half way through the first book with a mental song of "I am so tired. I just want to go to sleep." looping through my head, I remembered. I remembered that the perfect moment is now. I remembered that this is what I longed for and that even if we read together at night until she was out of college, it will eventually come to an end.

I gave her a side hug and embraced this very special moment. We finished the Dr. Seuss Sleep Book and we were half way though "Good Night Emily" before she decided she preferred to lay down. It still took awhile to for her to fall asleep, but it was enjoyed by all.

I am also remembering another very special time. Today, 3 years ago, we retrieved the eggs that brought us LB and LBII (goodness, I need better names . . . any suggestions?). As Belinda said recently, "It was the summer our lives were entwined." It was indeed. In some ways, our lives will always be entwined even if we don't see each other as much anymore.

Perfect Moment Monday: Bike Ride

2010-08-30T13:16:00.000-07:00

How has so much time gone by since I posted last? Partly because my employer has cracked down on non-work related internet time. Not that I blog at work, of course.

In a nutshell: Brad and I got to go for over an hour long bike ride together. Sans kids. It was the first ride I have taken without towing - or Brad towing if we are together - since LB was born - over 2 years. I used to ride at least 3 days / week between April and September. Gosh, I have missed it. It just isn't the same when you have to worry about the well being of a munchkin or two behind you. The ride was great and it was also wonderful to feel like a couple again.

We rode along a local bike trail along a river that I used to take to work. I used to watch as the summer season unfolded and ended. The river would rise and subside again. The trees would be bare, then bud, then in full leaf, and finally turn color. The wildflowers would bloom and die. The trail would start off pretty empty, then fill with people biking and wading in the river, then disappear again as the morning became to chilly.

Thinking about the seasons coming and going and how our lives have unfolded from marriage through ttc to parenting too also made me contemplative of how time goes - moving so slowly while TTC and suddenly all too quickly. It also made me appreciate the moment I was experience, knowing it would end too soon.

Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between

Perfect Moment Monday: Sunday Afternoon

2010-08-09T12:16:00.000-07:00

Douglass Adams describes Sunday afternoons as 'the long dark tea-time of the soul'. The weekend is all but over and Monday morning is looming large. If I recall correctly, he even has one of his characters give up immortality because of those Sunday afternoons were too much. Or was it to have fresh linen every night?

The point is that we are no exception to feeling 'the blues' on a late Sunday afternoon. I think this is where 'living in the moment' can be so important. There is nothing positive to add to a Sunday by dwelling on the coming Monday so yesterday in order to shake those blues we decided to throw the kids in the cart and go for a walk.

Well, that was the plan. LB wanted to walk so Daddy pushed the cart with the infant I could have carried while we strolled down the road with the sun at our backs. We waved at our shadows and watched them disappear and re-appear as we walked under trees. To our unending delight, LB would shout "Oh, there I am!" when her shadow would re-appear.

We ended up walking to the nearby baker where we earned our parents-of-the-year award by sharing our chocolate cake and iced tea with L B (Could that be why she didn't fall asleep until over an hour after her normal bedtime?). LBII got held and passed around to the delight of the baristas who loved to watch LBII's total-body-smile.

After too short of a stay we headed back home. LBII got a little fussy so I put her in a sling for the rest of the trim and LB took turns with Brad reading her book aloud (she has parts memorized). We all took turns repeating the phrase "I love summer!" Well, LBII didn't say it aloud, but I am sure she was thinking it.

We forgot all about Monday morning and had a perfectly delightful time.

For other Perfect Moments, visit Lori's blog.

Random Musings

2010-08-06T14:15:00.000-07:00

Brad has been out of town the last couple of nights and perhaps that is why I have been lying awake wondering about things I have and will have no answer to. I hope that is it because he will be home tonight and I can stop trying to find answers in tea leaves.

My neighbor across the street pulled his own tooth for lack of health care / money and he listens to right wing radio that is typically against universal health care.
I am sad that all three of my births ended up in a hospital yet I know of people who were never able to carry a baby to term . . . I should be grateful not sad.
What is the point of a life? In the end we just die. Hopefully enjoy it a bit along the way . . . which can lead me to think that I wish I had a bigger house or lived in the country or someplace warmer. Then I remember my friends in West Africa who have so few options in where they live or what they do. They call the rainy season (the current season) the starving season since the old crop is running out and the new crop isn't in yet.
If everyone in the world lived as well as I did we would have very serious resource issues.
What are nano particles and genetically modified foods and wi-fi and cell towers going to do to our bodies / environment. Perhaps the answer is "nothing much"
We need to have our house mitigated for radon. I think.
Why do top movie stars make millions and top scientists make in the hundred's of thousands?
A homeless man got kicked out of a bakery I was at while he was eating a 7-11 hotdog. I was reading about Chelsea Clinton's 3 million dollar wedding.
I have decided Sting's song Shape of My Heart is perfect for IVF . . . at least the first part:

He deals the cards as a meditation
And those he plays never suspect
He doesn't play for the money he wins
He doesn't play for respect
He deals the cards to find the answers
The sacred geometry of chance
The hidden law of a probable outcome
The numbers lead a dance
Rewarding times and happy times can be different but are both important. When you look back on events in life with fondness, are they more likely to be rewarding or happy?
The odds of conceiving our first child the way we did were extremely low - virtually impossible. But we did and then he died. How does that make sense?
90% of us have had our real income go down in the last 40 years. The top 1% income bracket has seen their income triple. Why don't the 90% of us unite and do something about it?

Life. Human life. I just don't get it.

PTSD, Vanity And Miscelaney

2010-08-04T14:06:00.000-07:00

Somewhere in a post before the birth of LB back in June of 2008, I posted about being afraid I wouldn't be able to take pride in our DE child(ren). Given my belief that we are mostly who we are programmed to be, I thought I might feel a bit removed when someone compliments my child(ren). For the most part, that has turned out not to be true. I still feel a bit odd when someone makes a comment like, "You make beautiful children." My mental answer is, "Uh, that's not really me, but thanks anyway." Usually, however, I just glow with pride.

Maybe I am vain, but I guess I do take some credit for who they are. Or maybe I just enjoy seeing other people appreciate and/or enjoy what I appreciate and enjoy so much. I still think the kids are who they are and while I hope to be an influential guide, in the end I am just a guide. The good thing is that seems to be more than enough. I may have felt differently had they been of my genes as well but I don't believe that to be the case.

It is on my mind today because I took the girls to the clinic where they were conceived to drop off brochures*. It was fun showing them off. LB even did her imitation of By.once's Sin.gle Ladies (well, the first couple of lines and if you didn't know what to look / listen for you would never know; but I love it). While I really enjoyed seeing a couple of the people who helped bring about these two little loves of my life, going back to the clinic triggered a strong negative reaction. I hoped I was sufficiently over it by now, but as I turned up the hill that heads to the clinic, my heart started racing and my palms got sweaty. Once I was inside and committed and wasn't waiting for a blood draw and u/s, I relaxed a bit; but several hours later I am still feeling the effects. (Or maybe it is the mocha I had for breakfast. Don't "tsk tsk" me. Brad is leaving for 2 days and LBII was up a lot last night. I needed it.)

I wonder when these things will get easier. At least I only stop by the clinic a few times a year to drop off brochures and I could always mail them in. I would say the bigger issues are things like going to the park. Am I the only one who goes to the park early to avoid the fertiles? LB loves to see other kids so there is the tension between wanting to flee when fertiles show up for my sake and wanting to stay for LB's. It never seems to fail - especially on the days I am doing well - I will overhear some parent being a complete a$$ to his/her child or talking on a cell phone the entire time or just plain producing ugly children. No, I am not very charitable to the more fertile of our society although I make exceptions for the people I know personally.

I am sure I have said it before . . . "I'm not bitter, I am consumed with hate." I am kidding. Mostly.

In other news, I hurt my back the other day lunging for LBII who was about to do a face plant onto the patio. I have never been in so much pain. I ended up calling a babysitter to watch the girls while Brad took me to the ER for some meds. I won't tell you how I almost made the trip in an ambulance because I couldn't figure out how to get off the floor.

I made sure I got meds that were safe(ish) with breastfeeding, but I was so loopy afterwords I was glad Brad picked up a bottle and formula so I could sleep through the night. As fate would have it, by the time I got back home and in bed I was wide awake again. I swear, if the pain was an 8 when I went in, it was still a 7 with the pain meds and muscle relaxant. Fortunately, 8 days, one deep tissue massage and two cranial-sacral massages later and I am 80% better. I only took the meds for a day, but I am keeping the rest in case it happens again. I am also going to start working on my core strength a little more diligently.

To end on a happy note, LB has started singing. Can I say how much I enjoy belting out "Let's Go Fly A Kite" from Mary Poppins with our little one? Good times.

*Local PSA: I host a peer to peer infertility support group. If you are in the area - Spokane, Eastern Washington, Northern Idaho - and are interested please email me at myinfertilityadventure@gmail.com. We have a pretty active group right now and meet once a month in the evening and lately once a month during a week day. If you are in infertility hell and don't want to talk with people who are currently parenting - I understand and will do my best to get you together with one or more of our ladies currently trying to conceive / adopt their first child.

Perfect Moment Monday: Water

2010-07-19T14:44:00.000-07:00

I have decided that one of the reasons I am not blogging as much lately is that I am too tired to string more that a few words together at a time. How tired? Sufficiently tired that yesterday morning - after 9 hours in bed - I was able to fall back asleep 4 of the 5 times I was woken up between 6 am and 7 am.

I'm not complaining. Well, I am, but it is still worth it.

I want to follow up on that article in the previous post. I'm not getting around to it so to put it simply and bluntly:

I appreciated the comments. Thank you.
I agree with the comments - parenthood is rewarding, I don't regret having kids and I don't take enough time to myself (RJ - I mentally went on that solo bike ride with you)
Parenthood does well in studies that measure rewarding vs pleasurable activities. That's great and all, but why shouldn't it be happier moment to moment too?
I wonder how infertile parents would compare to fertile ones. I suspect we would would score better on all counts.
I think more time to myself is key.
I think lack of sleep is a big contributor to my feelings of sadness.
I think I am grieving the loss again of my easy-to-conceive-genetic-child-born-gently-at-home. Or I'm just tired and this is something to pin "the blues" on.
After trying to notice the times I am happily parenting and not-so-happily parenting I have decided that the good times beat out the not-so-good times by around 10 to 1.
Which brings me to this weeks Perfect Moment Monday.

I was watering the plants around the patio when LB asked to take over. I gave her the hose and for the next 30 minutes sat on the step while she flooded my herb garden, watered the patio, herself, the cat (well, tried), the firepit and a bench. As she dragged the house around she would occasionally drag it right over a plant or two.

Sitting on that step in the warm summer air and watching my two year old get soaked from head to toe while potentially doing damage to the plants I worked so hard to plant and cultivate . . . well, it was wonderful. I thought, "This is what I imagined and longed for for all of those years - moments like this." I makes you remember how something so simple as water coming out of a hose can be so much fun.

Food For Thought

2010-07-12T16:25:00.000-07:00

The article All Joy and No Fun is, I suspect, going to be making the rounds and talked about a lot in the IF world. It explores the reasons why parents tend to be less happy than non-parents.

It is something I was aware of before LB was conceived. I read the book Stumbling On Happiness (mentioned in the article), and at that time I came away with the theory that studies may be measuring happiness in a way that misses the happiness gained from parenting. If I recall correctly, an example was: Ask a non-parent, on a scale of 1-5, how happy she is at random points of the day and she might score a bunch of 3's and 4's. Then ask a parent who is washing diapers, helping kids to school, etc and she might score a bunch of 1's but more 5's. That is, parents may spend more time being less happy, but have moments of greater happiness and since we tend to remember the happy times more than the sad that would also explain why people's perception is that they are more happy with kids than without them.

I vowed to enjoy the 'chores' as much as possible and thought that I would have greater appreciation for those time given the time and longing I spent trying to become a parent. I think I have done a pretty good job of that.

And yet, as much as I hate to admit this to the infertility community, I believe I am less happy now than I was prior to trying to conceive. I am, hands down, happier than I was while unsuccessfully trying to have a baby, especially after the birth / death of our son.

I have sometimes even thought that I would, if possible, go back in time to the Kami before TTC and tell her to forget the whole thing. The 4 years between Ernest's death and LB's birth were horrible in so many ways. I have changed for the worse as well as for the better, but I don't know that the net effect was positive on me or my marriage. I wouldn't want to un-know LB or LBII and I would need a solution to the innate desire to have kids as well, so even if time travel were possible, it is more complicated than just choosing a different path; but I hope it illustrates my meaning.

The article makes some good points and also highlights a couple of things I am guilty of - not leaving enough time to myself and feeling guilty that I am not giving more time to the kids. I think infertility adds to the guilt. The article talks about parents feeling the need to sculpt their children - which can feel like work, but I also feel guilty because it took so long to get here and I need to make the most of every moment.

While I am typing this blog I am feeling the guilt. I ought to be playing with LB and smiling at LBII. They are growing up so fast and I am missing out on that at this moment. It's sort of like waiting years to go the concert of your dreams. You have front row seats and you are taking it all in knowing you may never do this again. Then you have to go to the bathroom. How can you leave the concert to waste time on that?! But you have to, so you go, but you think about all you are missing out in the meantime. Having kids, for me, is like being in that state 24 x 7.

In my on going effort to increase the happiness in my life, I am taking the points raised in the article to heart. I know there needs to be a re-balancing of my time, but I don't know what that means yet. Do I have a sitter come more often? Do I let go of some of the guilt / responsibility I feel? Other options I haven't thought of? More importantly, perhaps, can I let go of the guilt and re-balance my time?

One more comment about how children has impacted our marriage. Shortly before our son was conceived, a friend commented, "Geeze, you guys are like newlyweds!" I smiled inwardly and thought how lucky we were to love each other so much. By this point, we had been married for 4 years and together for 9. Now I believe we acted like newlyweds because we had yet to have children. I think we will recapture those feelings and habits, but I'm just not sure how or when. I don't want until the kids go off to college.

What are your thoughts? Do you find you are less happy if you have kids? Are you less happy than you imagined you would be? Do you think these stats apply to you? Do you think you will / are the exception to the rule? What would you change if you could? How do you think you are / will be different than the people in these studies?

Detox

2010-07-08T12:23:00.000-07:00

In my on going effort to be happier I have decided I need to do 3 things: Exercise at least 30 minutes each day (shown in one study to be as effective as prozac ), eat less junk food and get more sleep. I am not sure more sleep is attainable at this point so I have focused on the first two.

I started the exercise program about a week and a half ago and so far that is going pretty well. It isn't too lofty a goal - I am not focusing on losing the baby fat (although that would be nice) or getting in great shape (also nice) - just looking for a mood boost. Some days it is only a 30 minute walk, but on other days I am getting in a 45 minute bike ride.

I think it was helping, but it clearly wasn't doing enough. I decided to take the next step and cut back on the junk food. I decided to get through just one day. I couldn't face longer than that without ingesting some of the good stuff.

Brad joined me and yesterday was the day. One day sans coffee, chocolate, ice cream, cookies, etc. I would have told you I don't have a large quantity of these things, but there is some every day. I might have a 12 oz double iced mocha (mmmm . . . mocha . . . ) in the morning and a 1/2 slice of chocolate mousse cake (from a local bakery - heaven!) in the evening. Perhaps a handful of chocolate chips to get me through the afternoon. Chronic sleep deprivation has left me going for the next best thing: sugar.

When Brad and I compared notes last night, it turns out we were both feeling very anxious all day. I went for a 20 minute bike ride to see my sister's soccer game and was so worried about falling and not being able to get my feet disconnected from the clipless pedals or that a car would not see us (I was towing the girls*) that I almost felt that I didn't have it in me to ride home. I was ready to call my OB to see if maybe my hormones were really messed up. I was imagining the rest of my life being changed by panic attacks.

Nope. Just withdrawal. It certainly confirms that I may be consuming a few too many empty calories. With that realization, I am going junk food free today too. I make no promises about tomorrow. My long term goal is to reduce the need / consumption of the ~~best stuff on earth~~ junk food but I have no illusions that I would eliminate it all together.

Brad, on the other hand, decided to join his coworkers as they celebrate Mocha Thursday. His text message to me this morning: "I am but a bag of chemicals. With the right additives - I run as smooth as a top."

* "the girls" Wow. I still can't believe I get to say that.

One Year Ago

2010-06-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

This time last year I was waiting for the call to find out if our one frozen embryo would survive the thaw (we were given a 50% chance) and we would have something to transfer. Amazingly, we did. I remember taking the phone call in the kitchen. Nice Nurse called with the good news and I shouted with glee. Goodness knows I had been on the wrong side of good odds before. Amazing that the slow-growing embryo not only thawed (thank you, Uncle Jimmy - the embryologist) but stuck around and gave LB a little sister. Once again, I am struck by how lucky we are in so many ways.

Some stats:

LBII was born exactly 9 months after transfer (June 26th to March 26th).

LB was born exactly 9 months after their conception. (Sept 20th to June 20th)

They were both born on a Friday

No, not magic - just coincidence but it is fun to notice.

Oh, and I missed it, but on June 10th was my third blogoversary. I started blogging about the time we made the decision to move to donor eggs. I thought I was the only one who had a mutually genetic baby die only to never have another one. I soon found out that I was not alone. Thanks to all the ladies out there in the blogosphere for your support along the way.

Do You Believe In Magic?

2010-06-25T15:39:00.000-07:00

I recently came across a post about a message in a fortune cookie and how the writer hoped it was a good omen. I suddenly felt saddened. It was a reaction I found a bit surprising until I realized I was sad because I no longer believe in magic. It is like learning that there is no Santa Clause. That the magic you thought was real was only just pretend.

If you had asked me earlier in our journey, I would have told you that I was not superstitious. I might have admitted to being somewhat spiritual, but not religious. If you asked me out right if there was a god, I would have told you, "I don't know, but I hope so." I would have told you that I did not believe in magic.

But I did.

There was the time before our first or second IVF when Brad and I both got fortune cookie fortunes that seemed to predict a successful cycle. There was the time when I biked to work shortly after an IUI when two geese - perched higher up on a rock than I had ever seen them - took flight just as I passed them and flew directly overhead. There was the time 'the church ladies' (my affectionate term for the ladies I dance with) prayed over me. There were the too-numerous-to-count times I meditated and visualized a baby coming into our lives and I felt it. I believed there was an energy in the universe I could tap into.

I wanted and needed to believe that I had some control. That maybe there was a being or 'energy' out there that had more power than I did.

Here I will ask my readers to please not take offense if you do believe in they type of magic I am referring to. It is a wonderful thing and despite my strong views, I recognize I may still be wrong. Even if I am right, believing in a magic that doesn't exist is probably worth it.

I know that I said that I became an atheist the day I realized Ernest was going to die, but in reality I let go of the hope in a god or power beyond me or magic much more slowly. In retrospect, on that day I let go of a notion that there was God (with a capital G) who interfered - who took notice and answered prayers. I had decided that, while there may still be some kind of spiritual energy, there was no direct interference. Plus I wanted to believe there was life after death - that I would see Ernest again.

As our infertility struggles wore on, I slowly let go of that belief as well. I came to understand that the universe is wholly natural. Life is as it is - just random chaos. There are times when I wish I could go back to believing in magic, but just as most of us never again believe in Santa Claus, I doubt there will be a time I can convince myself that there are other kinds of magic.

Now I read posts that talk about faith or spirituality and I don't know what to say, so I stay silent. It's not that I don't appreciate the alternative viewpoint, but I can't really agree and disagreeing would be less than appreciated. I guess I am saying, "It's not you, it's me."

The part of me that is still angry wants to add that I have witnessed miracles. You know, a series of unlucky events that lead to a surprising outcome. I just don't limit it to happy outcomes. Why praise a god when it works out and not blame him/her when it doesn't?

We conceived Ernest with less than 400,000 post wash motile sperm on an unmedicated cycle. Most RE's won't even do an IUI with less than 10 times that amount and those cycles are usually medicated. What were the odds? One in a million? One in ten million? Then he died of an extremely rare non-inherited (based on the geneticist best guess) birth defect. His chromosomes were normal (well, obviously not really normal but they looked good and there was the right amount of them. There must have been something wrong with the genes or how they were expressed). What were the odds of that? A miracle conception and a miracle death.

No, I'm not over it. Yes, I am still trying to be happier.

Two Years

2010-06-20T21:06:00.000-07:00

Two years ago today I was living the drama of LB's birth. It is amazing how slowly two years of trying to conceive lasts compared to two years on 'the other side'. She is growing so fast which is fun and exciting and challenging and all the things that we hoped for.

Right now we are especially enjoying her new verbal skills. On my second day back to work, she crawled into the chair behind me as I was at my computer and said "Move over please. It's my turn." When I was trying to calm her with a saying I have used in the past that made her laugh ("all is well!"), I got to "all" and she said, "No, no, no, don't say that!" I hope calling me by my first name is a phase . . . "Hey Kami, can you come in here? Play toys me?"

Just the same, it is delightful to hear what is on her mind. We are also spending far too much time together watching videos. I always promised myself that I would never use the tv as a babysitter. While it is technically a computer and the content is 99% music videos (everything from Sting to Veggie Tales), I still feel a bit guilty. I also go to bed with catchy kids songs stuck in my head. Case in point below. If you aren't singing it to yourself the first time, try watching it again.

Happy Birthday LB! Thanks for making me a mom (again)!

Just Another Quick Update

2010-06-16T08:20:00.000-07:00

There was a helicopter crash two houses behind mine two weeks ago. I watched it drop out of the sky and was sure the pilot died. He did. It was very sad and later I learned that a friend of mine was good friends with the pilot. As they say, "It's a small world."

The reason I am blogging about it was that the evening news interviewed me like they do when something interesting happens in a neighborhood. I believe they picked me because they saw I had two small children (we were just back from a walk and sitting on the porch). I kept thinking of PJ's pieces 'as a mother' where she takes news articles and changes 'as a mother' to 'as an infertile'. As if I had a more important perspective because (gasp!) my kids could have been killed! Despite how they portrayed me, I am not worried about another such accident. And when they asked me if I had something else to add, I did not say what I was thinking, "I know I look fertile, but I am not and having kids does not make me an authority on either helicopter crashes or the mood of the neighborhood."

In news closer to home, I am back to work in my part-time-from-home role. It was a tough first day because I always had one of the kids in my lap. LB is having a hard time readjusting and we are all adjusting to having two kids instead of one. By the end of my 4 hour day, I was so sad I felt like crying. I couldn't even tell you why. It really wasn't that hard and normally I would get frustrated not sad while trying to juggle a kid and work. It makes me wonder where that feeling was coming from. Well, we shall figure it all out in time.

Despite the transition to work, things are going well here. I am still very happy and relieved to be done trying to conceive. Yesterday I (virtually) sat with Sarah as she waited for her beta. I believe it was her 7th IVF but the first with donor gametes (DS/DE). It was one of those cycles that just has to work, but yet you know it might not (I guess they are all that was to some degree). It brought back how awful that space it. Such hope and fear and dread and hope and anxiety and hope and you can't really know what it is like unless you have been there. Thankfully and wonderfully, she got a great first beta.

Finally a picture Leah snapped on the way back from from riding the carousel. The blue fabric over my arm is the baby sling I should have been using.

Fifteen Minute Drive By

2010-05-31T18:00:00.000-07:00

It has been crazy busy in the Brad and Kami household. Between the two kids we get very little sleep and very little downtime. On a whim we texted LB's favorite person in the world and asked if she could babysit. She gave us a blessed couple of hours so with LBII sitting next to me I am going to give a quick update.

Resemblance Talk:
I have really enjoyed seeing how LB and LBII look similar. For some reason, I find it more warm and fuzzy then seeing how they look like their dad. It is as close as I am going to get to the feelings I may have had seeing me in them. People tell me it is no big deal, but I think I would have enjoyed it. I consider myself fortunate to get a matched pair.

Only Human:
My OB has fallen from his idealized position. Based on chart notes and pictures, I am convinced my OB is not being honest with me about why he got me back into bed from pushing on the floor and decided to do a vacuum extraction and why he did the episiotomy. I don't know why he couldn't tell me the truth. I would have settled for "it was in my best judgement at the time." Instead, I will have to wonder if it was "I panicked" or "On hands and knees on the floor without constant monitoring was just too far outside of my comfort zone" or "I deliver babies, I can't just let them be born!"

He may have forgotten that his notes indicated the baby went from a +2 to a +3 station when he told me a week later that I was making no progress on the floor, but 8 hours after the birth the nurse told me he charted - in detail - that I was tearing and he made 3 cuts (as in "tearing so I cut a first degree, tearing more so cut second degree . . .). I have a picture showing my perineum was completely intact when he made the cut and multiple witnesses said he did it all at once. No longer "Dr Wonderful", he is "Dr Better Than Most OB's"

I still want to like and trust him. I guess it is good I won't be having any more babies so it really isn't an issue.

Donor Egg Grief:
I won't say I am 100% ok with how things turned out. I think, given the chance, I would have a third kid if I knew I could have a healthy genetic baby. But I love our two girls with all my heart, feel extremely fortunate to even have two kids and the DE thing rarely crosses my mind these days. If I didn't have a kid's book about DE conception, I would be afraid I would forget to tell them.

Frenulum Surgery:
Pediatrician's tend not to think it helps, but we were struggling with breastfeeding for 6 weeks before we saw a lactation consultant who suggested it. It made a huge difference. LBII couldn't suck hard enough to keep my breast in her mouth, but that changed as soon as the surgery was over. We were doing ok intake wise before, but I had to hold my breast in her mouth and she would be worn out by then end of the day so she would nurse/sleep/nurse/sleep multiple times in a very short time. I recommend it if an experienced lactation consultant suggests it.

Times Up:
Baby crying, gotta go. Hopefully my next post won't be two weeks away.

Love And Hate

2010-05-10T13:54:00.000-07:00

I have spend a good part of the last nine years alternately loving and hating our dog Ender. He has been mentioned in a few posts even though I would say I liked my cats better who I have never been mentioned. I guess there is something about dogs and the way they interact with their humans. My cats never ate freshly baked loves of bread off of the kitchen counter. They wouldn't have been capable of eating 10 pounds of frozen hamburger in the 90 minutes we were gone. Neither would they have been able to eat through a tupperware dish to get to my forgotten lunch in the time it takes to go around the block and run back in the house. I have told Brad that I feel repeatedly victimized by him. Of course, Brad's very good argument is that I should have had the foresight to keep these items out of Ender's reach. We got in a few fights over it, I am sad to say.

I have also been frustrated by the amount of dog hair, the drool on the floor after he drinks, the barking that could wake up a sleeping baby, ruts in the lawn. Normal dog behavior, but I am not much of a dog lover.

But he was also the dog who went for walks with me almost every day while were were trying to conceive. There is a fenced field near our hours that is about 1.5 miles long. I could take him off-leash and he would stay near without any effort from me. He was a companion who I didn't have to talk to yet I didn't feel alone. He was the kindest dog I have ever known. I have seen him aggressive three times - all when he was attacked by another dog. Each time he was on top of the dog in a matter of seconds. As Brad has been fond of saying, "He was the hardest hitting dog in Schutzhund class." He was the hardest hitting and he always did it with his tail wagging. He was also gentle with LB and I felt safer knowing he would and could protect her if needed.

After seeming under the weather for a couple of days we took him to the vet last night. He had a tender abdomen and very high white blood cell count. They sent him home with antibiotics. He seemed be getting better. He died late this morning.

Good bye, Ender. I'm sorry I wasn't more kind to you after LB was born. I hope LB keeps saying "Back door Ender" (translation: Let's go out the back door with Ender) for a little while longer.

Good Friday

2010-05-06T13:40:00.000-07:00

Thank you, thank you oh wise women of the blogosphere. Such wonderful and thoughtful comments on my previous post. I am taking them all to heart. I plan on being especially appreciative and mindful of my good fortune to be a mother this Sunday. I may also take advantage of a warmer day to go for a bike ride - my first ride of the season if all goes well.

Now I want to back up a bit and give a little background to the previous post. It is a subject I intended to blog about several weeks ago but never got around to it. It started the day LBII was born and solidified a week later on Good Friday. (No, I haven't found God or anything, I just remember it being that day because I was going to blog about it for Perfect Moment Monday . . . "Perfect Moment Monday: Good Friday" . . . catchy, no? )

For better and worse, Brad and I knew without doubt that we were done trying to conceive as soon as LBII was born and apparently healthy. I would be lying if I said it has never occurred to me to try for a third, but I think that is mostly from my desire to finally get it right and have a home birth. Besides, two kids keep us plenty busy, I am already 42 years old (Brad 41) and it would cost us approximately $30,000 just for the chance. Although Brad is completely supportive of trying for and having a third child (as in, "You and your next husband can go right ahead with that."), we know it isn't really in the cards.

That can be rather freeing. Our lives are no longer on hold the way they can be while trying to conceive. We no longer need to plan our entire lives around how much it will cost, when it will happen and what we will do if it does or doesn't work. We can (gasp!) make plans about other things. Like our first trip to Disneyland or shopping for a new house, or finding a different job in a warmer climate or getting back in shape emotionally and physically. In those first few days, Brad and I talked more than a few times about how it feels like our lives are unfolding and opening up again. Brad bought a new bicycle and will start biking to work. I imagined getting back to my pre-treatment body and enjoyed not feeling the weight of infertility on my shoulders.

I continued to let the possibilities percolate in the back of my mind. Then a week after LBII was born, on Good Friday by chance, something happened. We will all sitting on the couch. LB was asleep on one end of the couch, I was holding LBII who was also sleeping and Brad was sitting next to me. It was unusually quiet in the house and it was a rainy day. We sat there for over two hours listening to the rain, occasionally talking, just sitting and dozing off for a bit. It was just incredibly peaceful. I looked out the window and watched the rain and enjoyed just being and appreciating all that we have. Then it occurred to me that I could do it. That now was the time. I could let go of my negative, angry, bitter tendencies. This is our new beginning and it is the time to create new habits.

It was like knowing you need to get into better shape and suddenly finding the motivation to actually start exercising more. Since then, I would like to think that I have been continuing to move in a positive direction. I am still in the early stages and time will tell whether I end up svelte or back on the couch. I'm not taking big steps - no crash diets, just trying to create a lifestyle change I can live with long term.

Currently I am trying to notice when I felt that tension in my body and mind - whether it is about infertility or something as trivial as the dog tracking mud into the house. That alone has been quite the revealing. I spend a huge amount of time wishing things were just a little bit better. When I remember and am willing to practice, I try to let the tension go by acknowledging it and then countering it with something positive. My mental thoughts might be something like this: "Dog. Mud. Frustrating. (breathe) Easy to clean. All is well."

Much to my surprise, it isn't that hard. I mean it is, because I forget or am unwilling to try; but it isn't in that when I am willing to try it usually works. In an instant I am in a better mood. And just like starting to trim up a bit gives you motivation to keep exercising and dreaming about the bikini you will wear, changing a moment from negative to positive keeps me going and dreaming of all the more time I will spend happy instead of sad.

That, dear readers, is why I asked for your advice. I noticed all the negative energy surrounding the coming holiday, but couldn't figure out how to turn it positive. Your collective advice was spot on. I think, as funny as this sounds, I needed to hear it was ok to stop hating the day. I also feel very good about marking the day in a personal way without "celebrating" the day.

It Is May

2010-05-05T16:23:00.000-07:00

Well, THAT holiday has come around again. I am fortunate to have found a way to be a mother, but I know so many of you are still walking that path. First and foremost, I want to wish you all peace during this weekend as well as motherhood down the road - hopefully not a long road. I know, As if it hasn't been a long road already.

To those of you still trying for that Someday Baby, I will you forgive me for asking, but I was hoping to get some ideas as to how I should pass this Sunday. I still hate it. I cringe whenever I hear an ad or the M-word gushing that seems ever present this time of year. We need this holiday like Hallmark needs to sell more cards. Oh, wait. That's the point isn't it? If my family appreciates what I do for them then I hope it would be on any day not just this one day. Why don't we change it to "Woman's Day" where we honor any woman who is important to us? Why should we only be honored if we are able to reproduce? Either that or just get rid of it all together. I would be good with that.

My regular readers will not be surprised to hear that I am both still bitter and angry. Oh, and negative as well. I really think it is time to start letting this negative energy go and maybe finding a better way through this weekend is a good place to start - or at least practice.

But how to do it? I can't see myself doing anything typical to mark the day. That would seem like a betrayal to my infertile sisters who continue to feel the ache. But doing what I did last year - trying to ignore it like so many previous years - only seemed to add another layer of tension since I was actually a mother.

Any thoughts?

Perfect Moment Monday: Falling In Love

2010-05-03T14:45:00.000-07:00

It has been a bit chaotic in the Kami-Brad household. I have been trying to keep up with everyone's blogs but haven't carved out the time to comment in most cases. I apologize for that.

Having kid number two has been quite a different experience. Some things are easier and some things harder. I am very happy that I didn't need to recover from major surgery and I am getting about as much sleep as I have for the last couple of years - not enough but no painful transition either. We also didn't really have to go through reorganizing our division of labor that is so hard on a marriage in the beginning.

The hardest part is feeling ok with the amount of time I have for LB and LBII. They seemed to be surviving but I have been in tears over LBII being left to cry while I am tending to LB or LB monologuing about all the things she would rather be doing rather than play by herself.

From the moment of LBII's birth, I have struggled. I know not everyone bonds with their baby on first sight and I have left space for those feelings to grow, but it comes with some guilt. When LB was born we had waited 6 years to hold our Someday Baby. I was beyond excited and then my time was all for her. I was madly in love from the first moment.

By the time LBII was born on the third night of labor I was more relieved than excited. I was happy to see her, but it wasn't the same. Then we began our life as a family of four and my time and attention is divided. There have been times I felt LBII was getting in the way from me spending time with the child I really loved - my nearly 2 year old toddler. We were closing in on 5 weeks with LBII and she still seemed distant to me.

Then a few days ago, I was changing LBII's diaper and I was making faces at her. She gave me the biggest smile! And I realized something was going on and had been going on for days if not weeks. I had just been to busy to notice. I realized I was falling in love.

Thank you to Lori for reminding me to notice these perfect moments.

Can I Blame It On Hormones?

2010-04-08T12:23:00.000-07:00

The only thing harder than trying to create a certain outcome - especially when it comes to my body, is trying to create a certain outcome for something that is already in the past.

Stop. Thinking. About. It. Kami.

Life is good now. Enjoy it.

important detail

2010-03-30T10:37:00.000-07:00

LBII is a girl.

Our family is complete and we will never need to try to conceive again. Thank goodness for that.

Thank you all so much for the support and congratulations.

Happy Birthday LBII

2010-03-28T20:23:00.000-07:00

My apologies for the delay. Crazy times with two kids.

LBII was born at 1:12 AM March 26th after 48 hours of labor and an additional 4.5 hours of pushing.

I went to the hospital after nearly 30 hours of labor. It wasn't constant. It kept slowing down and becoming ineffective. It was my choice. I was giving up. I believe it was my own lack of confidence in my body (thank you, infertility) and fear of the lack of control that labor and birth brings that stalled my labor. I am very sad about this now as I knew I would be. I wish I would have kept trying, but my rational minds knows I was doing all that I could and made the best decision possible at the time. There is much more to this part of the story - and some amazingly wonderful moments which I hope to share later.

At the hospital, Dr. Wonderful followed my hopes and gave me every chance for a vaginal birth even though he didn't believe I could (he kept encouraging me, but I could tell). He also let me down in a couple of very important ways, but his belief system and I knew that going in. I hope to share more of this story too.

In the end, despite spending most of the pushing phase on my back and pushing uphill (why do they continue to do this in hospitals?!); I pushed out a 8 pound 15 oz, 21.2" baby with very little epidural to the point that I got out of bed at about the 3.5 hour mark to push in a lunge position. Thank God my midwife was around who offered this suggestion because it completely turned things around. I am convinced that it would have been a c-section had we not done the things we did prior to going to the hospital and had my OB not been willing to let me out of bed. That is a victory.

A longer post will come for those who may care to read it and I don't want to give out all the best parts, but I want to thank Leah for sticking it out with Brad and I throughout and for taking some pictures - at great personal cost.

I also want to thank my midwife who was with me for all three failed home births, yet leaned close to me after LBII was born and whispered, "I am so proud of you."

Hugs

2010-03-24T06:04:00.000-07:00

At my midwife's suggestion I did my best to get some rest. It was somewhat successful. I think I dozed for a few minutes here and there between contractions - usually at least 8-10 minutes apart. It is now 6 AM and although I am exhausted, I think it may have been for the best. I don't do as well emotionally at night.

The sun is just coming up and I am having a week moment. I don't feel like doing this right now. I will rally. What choice do I have? As far as it is within my control I am doing this at home. I am thinking of all of you and feeling your energy.

I just posted this, but logging back in to say that I feel better already knowing my fertility-challenged sisters are out there. Whether you have given birth or not, whether you have a child or not; we have all gone through worse than a day of labor.

Heartbreaking

2010-03-24T01:36:00.000-07:00

LB is catching a cold and not sleeping well. I try to nurse her back to sleep and although she keeps signing milk and crying louder and louder she isn't nursing. I offer her some water and when I sit her up I realize her cheek is covered in milk. My milk has come in and her life is changed forever. I hope in the long term for the better, but I feel so bad for her now. Tears are streaming down my face.

Brad is putting her back to sleep and she is calming down. I am feeling terribly guilty, but I can't focus on her right now. It is not soon enough, but still too soon. I need to focus on her little brother or sister. It is 1:30 AM and I am in early labor. Is this what it will be like? Torn between focusing on one or comforting another? I know we will find a way, but right now it is heartbreaking.

Oh, if you are up at this hour, wish me luck. I will update when I can.

Encourage, Discouraged, and Encouraged Again

2010-03-22T21:56:00.000-07:00

No, no baby yet. At least not one I can hold in my arms. Apparently LBII is just too comfortable.

I was very encouraged by the comments in my previous post. Thank you very much.

I have to say I was very bummed when the equinox came and went. I was feeling like my body had let me down again. Maybe I will feel that way again if things don't turn around, but I find I am encouraged again.

Surprisingly I made it to my OB appointment today. I really thought I would have this kid before the equinox but then as it got closer I was sure it would be on the equinox. Now it is two days past, I am 41 weeks and 1 day - the same as when LB was born after I went into labor spontaneously - and still no sign that things are changing.

My OB, a self described 'vaginal birth advocate' is just fine with waiting until 42 weeks before wanting to intervene. We talked about how things might go at that point and a cesarean birth is most likely. If my cervix is favorable we might be able to induce, but I'm not sure if I would want to take that chance. Before my cesarean I always said I would never induce / augment a VBAC. Of course, I could ignore his advice and go longer than 42 weeks, but I'm not sure I would want to make that decision either. The chances of still birth start to go up after 42 weeks per the literature my OB has followed, but I don't know what that means . . . from 1 in 1000 to 2 in 1000? I guess I would have to know more, but even if the chances were small it would be tough to go against his advice on that one.

I am very much hoping we won't get to that point.

The good news is that both my OB and midwife are confident that I will go into labor on my own before the week is out. They both said gestation times are determined by the baby and full siblings tend to go about the same amount of time. I am crossing my fingers. I hope the next post is about labor starting.

Holding Pattern

2010-03-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

I am 40 weeks and 4 days today and although each night for the past week or so I would swear labor is imminent if not already getting started, the next morning I am back to neutral. I think I am just more warn out by the end ot the day so it just seems like things are moving along. I went into labor spontaneously at 41 weeks and a day with LB so I ought to be more patient.

The good and the bad about waiting is that Mach 20th would be the best birth day for LBII. It is the Spring Equinox and since LB was born on the Summer Solstice it would be a great pair. The downside is my buddy who was there for both Ernest's and LB's birth will be leaving town on the 19th for a week. I really want her to be there. She is wonderful support, but I will survive either way.

Speaking of surviving, I feel the need to document - just in case things go terribly wrong - that I am not unaware of the added risk inherent in a planned VBAC homebirth. If my uterus does rupture things are pretty grim for LBII, but wouldn't be much better in a hospital - death is not uncommon. One may argue that the chances of a rupture are higher in a hospital due to the increased chance of intervention. But then, I am sure death is more likely if the rupture happens at home.

In the intervention subject, I did a bit more research after posting on my blog that the chance of a rupture after cesarean was 4 out of 1000. Some readers commented that those did not include augmented and/or induced labor but I found the studies I read (which had around the same odds) did indeed include augmented and/or induced labor. My own OB will induce / augment with a VBAC although he said it needs to be done more gently. I have also found, to my surprise, that there is a chance of rupture with no prior cesareans so we are not even comparing 4 / 1000 to 0 / 1000.

A couple of articles for anyone interested in more. The first is a study about planned homebirths and the second is an article about the NIH recommending a new look about guidelines around a VBAC. Then I read this article which basically says not to believe anything you read because scientists don't understand statistics.

What can you do? For me, I am still hoping for that homebirth VBAC and I am still seeing Dr. Wonderful (my OB) just in case.

The Home Stretch

2010-03-09T13:40:00.000-08:00

I am 39 weeks and 2 days along today. If my OB and midwife are correct, in all likelihood this baby will stay content in his/her current home until closer to the 41 week mark. But of course, we all know that statistics are great when looking at a group, but not so great when it comes down to looking at an individual.

With that in mind, we are doing our best to prepare ourselves and our home. For better or worse, in the Kami and Brad household, that means not a whole lot has been done. LB has transitioned to having Daddy put her to sleep at night and we have a toddler bed along our bed which she has used for 2 - 1/2 nights (waking up and crawling into bed with us in the wee morning hours) and 1 full night. Such a big girl!

Unfortunately, that is the extend of our preparedness. Oh, wait! We ordered the liner for the birthing pool and it has arrived. Diapers? Nope! Nursery? Well, LB never got one so I don't expect to have one for LBII. We also don't have other home birth supplies, or infant clothes / receiving blankets washed. Names picked out? Not yet, but we have time for that. We do have some onsies and such that LB used and Brad, being the romantic that he is, took it upon himself to get one outfit for baby II so that, "he or she can have at least one outfit that his just his or hers." It never occurred to me to do this. That's reason number 342 why I love him so much.

I also had a lovely baby shower (and got some more cute clothes!) which was something I was afraid to do with LB. I didn't want to have to rid my house of too many baby things if she died. I am more willing to risk it this time and I have more faith that it will work out. Not that there are any guarantees.

That leaves mentally preparing for the birth and for having two kids (hopefully) after the birth. The latter is easy in a way because it will work out whether I am ready or not. There are moments when I am looking forward to it and there are moments when I am scared of the impact another infant will have. This 42 year old body is feeling it's age right now. The former sometimes scares me - I want it to work out closer to the way I envisioned the first two births working out so badly. Then there are times I feel I am doing all that I can toward that goal and, again, there are just guarantees, so I am trying to be open to all possible paths.*

I had been feeling like I am in the two week wait from hell (not that it is as bad as the fertility treatment 2 week waits) and then last week I caught a nasty cold / possible sinus infection. Suddenly I can wait for labor because I don't have the energy right now. I need to get over whatever this is first. This is the 9th day and my OB just called in an antibiotic prescription just in case it is a bacterial sinus infection. I am pretty sure I will give it a try. Not too much harm done if it is viral and I would love to feel better and sleep better at night.

If I don't get another post in before labor, I will at least post when that starts. It's crazy to think that I could suddenly find myself birthing our second and final kid and then we will be a family of four.

Oh! That reminds me of a couple stories from my last visit with my therapist. I had booked an appointment in hopes that I could work out any issues that may impede me mentally while in labor with LBII. I was telling KJ (therapist) that I wasn't convinced that LB needed to be born by cesarean - maybe a different mental state could have changed the outcome. Before telling me that I should just let that go - it is what it is and it was likely needed - she had me pretend I was sitting across from myself a few years ago. I was sobbing and nearly convinced I was never going to have a child. The memory carries enough grief that I started crying - nearly sobbing. Then KJ said, "Now tell yourself, 'The next thing you are going to worry about is whether or not you needed that c-section.'" And then I was laughing through my tears. Yeah, I got the baby. It's a wonderful thing and the c-section seems trivial compared to that.

Then, to just illustrate what a thoughtful and compassionate therapist I have, KJ had me sneak out of the office. Really. I quickly ducked into the bathroom across the hall as she greeted her next client - her body blocking any view of mine as she did so. After the client was brought back into the office, I quickly made my way out of the building.

Why the stealthy exit? KJ just remembered she was about to see another infertility patient who desperately wants to be pregnant and didn't want her to see my big belly. Before the subterfuge, I gave KJ a big hug to give to her next client. Not that KJ could tell her that it came from someone else, not that it would really make a difference; but I hoped, somehow, her next client might feel that she is a little less alone.

*Ha! Rereading this I discovered this is a lie. I am really not open to a hospital and/or cesarean birth. Intellectually, I know that can happen, but I am not open to it.

Perfect Moment Monday: Thank You

2010-02-15T11:40:00.000-08:00

Before I get to the "thank you" of this post, I would like to thank all the lovely ladies who commented on my last post. It is good to reminded I am not alone and not the only bitter infertile out there.

As for the "thank you" topic for this Perfect Monday post, I'm not sure I will able to capture how important this "thank you" I received meant to me, but I will try.

One evening last week, Brad and I took LB for a walk in her stroller. It was a damp, dark, but pleasant evening. We were enjoying the time to connect with each other since LB was quite sleepy and content to just take in the scenery. The topic of conversation turned to LB and we gushed to each other about what a great kids she is and how much fun we have with her.

I told Brad about how, the other night, I sat and watched LB sleeping and just couldn't get my mind around how she came to be here. In our lives. Sometimes she just seems almost a stranger (for lack of a better word). Here is this amazing human being unfolding right before our eyes. How did we get to be so lucky? Who is this person? Where did she come from?

It was an awe-some moment, if you get my meaning. I then suggested that part of my disbelief might stem from her being the product of another woman's eggs. Maybe if I looked at her and saw my eyebrows (very much her donor's) or my chin (her dad's) or something identifiable as clearly of me; the whole thing wouldn't seem so mysterious. I wasn't complaining or sad, just making an observation.

My dear husband had the most wonderful reply. He has said things similar in the past or perhaps even the exact same thing and I just heard it differently that night. Before I had heard reassurance in my role as LB's mother. That day, I heard gratitude.

He said, "Thank you." And I heard: Thank you for doing whatever it took. Thank you for bringing into existence this little girl - the one that I love so much.

Thank you, love of my life, for saying so. And thank you for keeping me going when I wanted to stop.

For other Perfect Moments this Monday, please visit Lori's blog

Issues? Me?

2010-01-29T16:18:00.000-08:00

Please Note: This is a 'poor me' post about being pregnant after infertility. If you are not in a space to read about anyone, let alone an infertile, complaining about being pregnant then please skip this one.

I have recently realized I have issues - issues surrounding being pregnant and giving birth.

I did before too, but I tried my best not to think about it. Not entirely true - I did think about it, but didn't think it would effect the birth experience. And maybe it didn't. Certainly I tried enough positive thinking, imagery, meditation, you name it - all failed - during the infertility journey to doubt their efficacy during birth.

There was also my first birth experience. Let me tell you how ready I was to give birth at 27 weeks and knowing that immediately after the baby was born to be faced with life and death decisions. I was not prepared at all - for any of it. Not for the physical pain. Not for the emotional experience of being in labor. Not for being more convinced than not that the baby would die. Not for what it would be like to hold our dying or dead baby. Not for the image in my head of a limp baby trying to find his way out of the birth canal. Not even the tiniest fraction of any of it.

Yet I gave birth vaginally and without drugs. Despite not being mentally ready. Despite checking out emotionally because I didn't see any other way. Despite doing all the things 'wrong' that those natural birth books talk about - my body did it. Quite on it's own, it found a way to push out a baby I so desperately didn't want to see born - at least not yet and not how I was so afraid it would be (and was).

Going into LB's birth, I also wasn't ready. I couldn't allow myself to believe I would be a mother. There were moments it did seem possible. There were moments I could embrace and celebrate being pregnant, but I couldn't really believe I would be a mom. After six years, one neonatal death, two miscarriages and more compromises than I care to count; I knew with certainty that it could all still go to hell and we would be left childless. Since I could not allow myself to believe that it would actually work out, I also couldn't allow myself to prepare either for the birth or for having a child in our home afterward.

Not a problem. I allowed myself a few onsies, I had breasts to breastfeed and I ordered a diaper service. I had all I needed for a baby to come home. As for the birth process? I had my midwife and a home. The rest was left up to my body. It worked before, it would work again.

But it didn't (not that it wasn't still wonderful in many ways) - at least not the way I wanted. I am mostly convinced that there was nothing I could have done about it - that it was the double nuchal cord that caused LB's heart rate to drop every time she tried to descend which led to the cesarean birth. But I also had, per some studies, a tired uterus (my contractions were slow to build and slow to recede by the time I got to the hospital). There is some indication that this can be caused or made worse by a build up of adrenaline. Was my body responding to my mind's inability to face what may come - for good or ill - by pumping out extra adrenalin? Could I have made a difference if I had been more mentally prepared?

While I feel that the likelihood is small, this time around - my last ever chance for the birth I imagined twice already- it is beyond important that we at least have a birth a bit closer to that ideal. That is, a home birth with a live baby. It is so important that whenever I verbally express my hope, tears come to my eyes.

To that end I have been doing what I can to prepare (fortunately this time around I can imagine having a live baby and am willing to take the emotional risk to plan for it). One of the things I have recently been doing it rereading a book I read before Ernest was born: Birthing From Within. In the second chapter, it encourages you to do 'birth art' - basically drawing a picture on a particular topic and see what comes out. Rather than participate fully, I just visualized what I would draw. The first topic: Draw yourself as pregnant woman.

Pregnant woman?! I am NOT pregnant woman. Pregnant Woman is arrogant and boastful and undeserving. Pregnant Woman walks around in tight maternity shirts, rubbing her belling. Pregnant Woman thinks she is all that when she is really just lucky and has no idea how lucky she is. Pregnant Woman is fertile and I hate everything about her.

I wasn't quite expecting such an angry response. I felt my whole body stiffen. I am not one of those people. And I am pregnant.

Suddenly, as I stop to reread the last two paragraphs, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Remember the phrase, "I'm not bitter, I'm just consumed with hate."? That's me.

It's all good. I am pregnant, the baby is seemingly healthy and it has all gone remarkably easy so far. I just have some work to do. It might even help. Thanks for listening.

Perfect Moment Monday: Taking The Long Way Home

2010-01-25T10:15:00.000-08:00

After dropping Brad off at work late last week, I was almost home when I realized I didn't want to go home yet. For whatever reason (sleepy? hormones?) I was feeling blue and going home to do some laundry and get ready for work just didn't sound good. I didn't know where I was heading, but I skipped the turn that would take us home and instead continued north over the river near our home.

Where to go? Up the hill to the winery and enjoy the view for a few minutes? North to visit family for a bit?

Ahhh . . . left to the trail by the river. That's it.

Almost directly across from our house, but on the other side of the river, LB and I took a little walk. We had some stale bread left in the car to feed the ducks and we took that with us (I know . . . bad for the ducks. Does it help that it was whole wheat?).

It was a wonderful 30 minutes or so. The Canada Geese turned out to be a bit aggressive so we quickly jettisoned all 3 pieces of bread (after imagining a goose taking LB's finger along with the bread) and headed for high ground. Soon we returned to throw rocks in the water and watch the action. Such a peaceful, happy time. I'm so glad I trusted my instinct to keep driving.

A cell phone picture from that day:

For other Perfect Moments this Monday visit Lori's blog.

Heart for Adoption

2010-01-22T10:17:00.000-08:00

My good friend Leah is going forward with adopting a second child and could use a little help.

After 5 IVF transfers at the ripe old age of 28 (and given a 97% chance of success), she was unsuccessful in bringing a child to term. After spending tens of thousands on fertility treatments she moved on to international adoption and after a few more tens of thousands (and living in-country fostering her child for 8 months) she brought home her beautiful daughter, Maya.

Now she is hoping to give Maya a sibling via domestic adoption.

No, I am not asking for a donation, just that you purchase one or more of these lovely chocolate hearts for Valentine's day. They are 5.25 oz of great quality Guittard chocolate.

Just go to Leah's blog and let her know you are interested. More detail is in the flier below. ~~Feel free to~~ Please pass it on to your friends.

So There!

2010-01-13T14:49:00.000-08:00

How I got a little bit even with a fertile:

This is the story about how I, unintentionally believe it or not, horrified a fertile. In the retelling, it isn't as good as I remember it. The memory is just as good, but it just isn't the same if you weren't there or perhaps if you weren't me at the time. This happened just over a year ago at my husband's work kid Christmas party.

A little background first. The person in question - I will call her Lisa - was married to "Dan". They both worked for my husband's company as did I when Ernest was thought of, conceived, born and died. I used to work in the same department as Dan. Before Brad started working there, Dan and I would regularly go for walks on our lunch break. Often the conversation turned to money. Money was important to Dan. He said, again and again, that money was a means to an end for him. Money bought freedom - the freedom of time (as opposed to spending 40 hours / week; 50 weeks per year working for someone else). More then once he painted a picture of him with a kid or two and maybe fixing up houses for a side business. Given the flexible nature of that kind of job, he would have a lot more time to spend with his kid(s).

Dan was quite frugal and also invested well. When Dan and Lisa married (also frugal) at the age of 41 (her) and 40 (him) they each owned a house outright. I know he had many thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars invested. Dan moved into sales and Lisa was promoted and together I know they made over $200,000 / year.

Brad and I were trying to conceive when Dan and Lisa got married. Given their advanced age, they immediately started investigating adoption. Then a bit less than a year in the marriage she got pregnant - just as they were going to sign up with an adoption agency. You guessed it - they told everyone that it was signing up for the adoption that helped them get pregnant.

A few months later we had our miracle conception. Their child was born - live and healthy - about one month before Ernest was born and died.

Then despite all the talk - neither one quit his or her job. I don't think being a stay at home parent is the only way to go, but Dan had gone on and on about how important time with the kid was. I guess it seemed important until it came to actually giving up the income. I'm not sure how Lisa envisioned parenthood. The only insight I got was when she said that if she had been in her 20's she might have been willing to be a SAHM, but now that she had an established career she couldn't imagine leaving her job. Brad and I were making less than half of what they made, didn't have their huge nest egg and yet I was willing to quit. We were willing to do anything (and we did just about everything before it was over) to have a kid and here they were handed this gift and they didn't give a damn.

I clearly began to hate them. I admit some of this was probably unfair and stemming from envy, but hate them I did.

Cementing my feelings of dislike for this couple came about a year later. Lisa saw me in the company parking lot after dropping Brad off (I had since left that company). I cringed inwardly as she approached my car. After a short hello she said she wanted to give me back the baby sling I had given her. I was horrified! Not only did she tell me she never used a present I selected for her, but what the hell was I supposed to do with a baby sling when I had no baby?! I politely told her to give it to someone else and drove off as quickly as I could.

Fast forward 3 more years to the company's kid Christmas party. I was quite uncomfortable at the party being surrounded by fertiles and was hiding out in a corner for a bit while Brad stood in line with LB to see Santa. She was just 6 months old at the time.

Lisa found me in my corner and the conversation went something like this:

Lisa: Hi! Congratulations! Dan and I were so happy to hear you had a baby.

Me: Thank you. We are very happy. In fact, on the way here I was thinking that if LB died today, at least I got to be her mom for 6 wonderful months.

Lisa: Silence.

Me: Well, you know, I often wished I could have been with Ernest for even a couple of hours. It seems wrong that the only thing I did as his mother was sign as 'next of kin' for the release of his body to the funeral home.

Lisa: Dan and I tried IVF for a second child. It was absolutely awful. It obviously didn't work and we didn't try a second time. It was really awful.

Me: I understand. We conceived LB on our 5th IVF cycle.

Lisa:

Me: Well, we wouldn't have tried so hard if we already had a living child.

Lisa: Yes, well, congratulations again. I need to get back to ____"

That's it. Not very dramatic. I'm still glad that she had the tiniest insight into what it is like to deal with infertility and loss and it was that overwhelming for her.

Me: Yeah. Try living it, Sweetheart.

2010-01-04T13:32:00.001-08:00

It seems my previous post came across as negative which I didn't intend. I was very tired when I wrote it, but not feeling down. I am hoping to redirect a bit.

I am very happy to be a mom and so thankful I get to experience it. It is a role I am very happy in. I also need to figure out how to not lose track of the other things I like to do.

I thought before we had LB that nothing else would compare. I thought that a dead end job would no longer matter. I also thought that I would maintain my hobbies - just add a kid or two to the mix.

What I have learned is that I still want to have that contributing role. I don't think it needs to be a formal, paying job; but I think there needs to be something like it in my life. It also needs to be something I feel is worthwhile not just something I am doing. My job isn't all bad, but it isn't going anywhere and it doesn't have as much flexibility as I like. I am on the fence about what to do about it and am happy to maintain status quo for a bit until I decide.

I have also found that maintaining my hobbies and my relationship with DH isn't as easy as I thought it would be. We co-sleep with LB which is important to me but that means I don't sleep next to Brad - she sleeps between us. I am thinking it is time to move LB to a toddler bed. We will either do that - starting with her bed next to ours - or move to a king size bed and figure both kids (assuming this pregnancy works out) will move out into a shared room in about a year. I am also hoping that LBII will be a better sleeper than LB. This may not be related, but neither Brad nor LB's donor need much sleep. I do. Perhaps she is just programmed to only need 10 -11 hours a day. The girl only sleeps 9.5 hours per night (and naps between 1 and 2 during the day while I am normally working). I need about 8.5 but more if I am waking up to check on her or not sleeping well due to pregnancy hormones and aches.

The other thing is not all my hobbies are as baby / kid friendly as I thought. I used to bike a lot. I thought I would just get a trailer and continue as usual. Then I discovered how much I like to let my mind wander while biking a local bike trail. It is a trail isolated from traffic and very safe to not really pay attention to my surroundings. Unless I have a kid behind me then I am always thinking about her contentment and safety. No more mindless riding. On top of that, she would get bored about 1/2 to where ever I thought I was going and wasn't too keen on getting back in the trailer with only a 30 minute or hour break. I am crossing my fingers LB and LBII might keep each other entertained a bit. I will keep trying.

Another thing I used to enjoy a lot was baking bread. I stopped in the last few years because wheat wasn't supposed to be good for TTC if you followed Traditional Chinese Medicine. Since LB I haven't been in a position to easily have sticky fingers for 30 minutes at time. The vast majority of the time she naps while I am working and if she isn't napping, she doesn't normally entertain herself for that long - although this is changing. Well, thanks to my wonderful DH I now have a shiny red Kitchen Aid. I have wanted one for over 12 years but thought I would get one when we got a bigger house. We have made accommodations and made some space for Lady Red (or whatever I end up calling her) and I am baking again. I miss the kneading part, but if time or LB allows, I finish up the kneading by hand and there is always the shaping and baking.

So it is an adjustment and I am still learning to set boundaries that protect my own happiness while maximizing my commitment to being a good mom. And by 'good mom' I don't mean someone who has to respond to every little whim of her toddler. It is just something I need practice. I believe when she seems heartbroken because I won't nurse her she is heartbroken not just manipulative. But heartbreak happens and I refuse to be a giving tree.

I am confident I will figure it out and continue to enjoy the time as it is. I am actually pretty proud of how much I am appreciating and enjoy toddlerhood even though I am quite tired many days and somewhat tired the rest. I would be very surprised if I looked back on this time with any regrets. Although I don't know I would have made the decision to parent had I known what it would take to get there (and been able to turn off that innate desire to parent), I wouldn't give it up for anything now that I am here.

Highs And Lows

2010-01-03T20:21:00.000-08:00

Before I get started on the subject of this post, I would like to beg your forgiveness for a moment of thoughtlessness in my previous post. I don't know how I did it, but I stupidly asked for peoples opinions about posting child pics from those with blogs and kid(s). Effectively telling those people who are still trying for number one that 'you couldn't possibly have an opinion since you haven't actually experienced parenthood yet.' Of course you would and I welcome your thoughts on the matter. I feel awful and I am also sorry that it took me so long to apologize. I woke up in the middle of the night and realized my arrogance not two days after I posted it. In the future, please feel free - no, I encourage you - to point out when I am being insensitive to those on the IF journey.

I swear I have all these ideas about blog posts in the middle of the night and here I am with a rare occasion to blog and I can't think of anything pertinent to say. How about some random highs/lows of parenting?

No?

Well, this isn't really a conversation, is it? My apologies for complaining about being pregnant and parenting. It is the truth the way I see it right now. In a way, it is also my answer to people who try to coerce others into having kids. It is wonderful, but it is not without it's trade-offs. While I believe choosing to live childfree / childless after infertility is the hardest path to take (how do you turn off that desire to parent?), there is also a reason why studies show again and again that those without children are happier than those with children.

High: I am sure there is at least several times each day when I am delighted to watch LB learn and grow. Tonight I put LB to bed early. She has been teething and/or had a bit of tummy trouble and she hardly napped today. She fought it as she usually does, but it all fell apart when her stuffed duck told me she wanted to go night-night so I laid her down on her side. LB cried the cry of the heartbroken, but it was cute at the same time. I don't know if she was sad because the duck went to sleep when she wanted to play or it was a clear indication it was indeed nighttime. Either way, it was an insight into her world. After I assured her that the duck would get up with her in the morning, she quickly fell asleep.

Low: I got back out of bed at the late, late hour of 7:30. This is a rare treat - normally I go to bed with her closer to nine o'clock. How wonderful to have some quiet time to myself. I decided I would start a crochet project for which I bought the yarn somewhere around 2 years ago. I gathered everything up (and imagined blogging about it for Perfect Moment Monday) and decided I was way too tired to follow directions never mind get my tired eyes to focus. I have not been well rested since late in my pregnancy with LB - not even a day. Just as she started sleeping pretty well, this pregnancy has been taking it's toll. Some nights I am just wide awake and I don't know why. I am hoping I will get some much needed sleep in a year or two.

High: Oh my god, I can't come up with another 'high'. That tells you how tired I am, I guess. I like being a mom, I really do. What do I like about it? . . . . I like getting hugs and kisses from LB. I like that she comes to me when she needs comfort or reassurance. I am not auntie or second best. I like being the one.

Low: Who am I? I find that my day is often a day of doing: Make breakfast, tidy house, take a shower, work, tidy house, make dinner - all interspersed with playtime. What happened to my hobbies? What happened to that feeling of self I think I used to have? I know I am the adult here and can set expectations and make time for myself. I am always working on doing that better, but it is hard for me. After waiting so long for LB, I find I want to give and give and give. My job isn't satisfying and I entertain the idea of quitting, but then I wonder if I would disappear all together.

High: Our morning ritual: Ready or not (usually not) LB wakes up and is ready to eat! Sometimes I can nurse her back to sleep for a blessed 30 - 45 minutes, but usually she signs "eat" with vigor. Stalling, I ask, "Are you hungry?" "Yeah." "What do you want?" "Banananana." "How about some cereal?" "Yeah!" "With banana?" "Yeah!" Then she climbs on the momma-express and we get a small bowl of cold cereal and sit on a stool (LB on my lap) and watch the sun come up while we eat. It is a good, peaceful, if sleepy time for me. Soon we will be playing with toys or taking a shower or tidying house until it is time for a more nutritious 'second breakfast'. Yes, we also often have elevensies, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner and supper.

Low: Husband? What husband? OH! You mean the daddy! Even though Brad and I have a standing date night and so get at least 2 hours / week together to be a couple, so much of our time is spent parenting LB. I can spend all day with my poor hubby and still miss him at the end of the day. Where is our friendly banter? Didn't we used to have sex? At least cuddle? Ok, it isn't that bad - well, the lack of sex is, but we find times to connect intellectually throughout the day. Still, it isn't like it used to be. I suspect it is just one of those trade-offs. I think as we move out of the toddler stage, we will have more time to simply be together and less of, "Isn't it your turn to take her to the potty?" and "Oh look how cute she is!"

High: Cute factor. Need I say more?

High and Low: Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! It isn't a form of address around here, it is command. With limited vocabulary, "Mama!" and some signs/pointing is about all you need to get your point across.

This is great when I notice how well we can communicate with only a few words. It isn't great when I am lacking in patience or feeling . . . micromanaged. LB is getting increasingly demanding and prone to tantrums when she doesn't get her way. I suppose all kids go through this (again and again, I suspect) to see what they can get away with. This is hard for me, as I have said. I hate to see her upset because she wants something and doesn't understand why she doesn't get it or get it immediately. Necessity is teaching me to be strong and to find creative ways of saying "no" (like walking away from a tantrum), thankfully.

High: Emptying the dishwasher. I think this is a 'high' Oh, it is. Given my normal lack of patience the fact that I almost never think "hurry up!" while we unload the dishwasher together must mean it is a good thing. I can be tiring though. The dishes are easy - she takes them, hands them to me and I put them a way. The silverware (after I have quickly removed all the knives) is more of a process. She will get a spoon or fork, walk over to the silverware drawer, turn her back to me, say "Mama!", I pick her up, she figures out where the particular item goes, and with no small amount of time actually manages to place the item in the correct spot. Put the baby down and repeat.

I will end with a question - What do you do (if you have kids) or imagine you would do (if you are trying for kids) to maintain a balance between your role as mother and your other roles?

Good Morning

2009-12-18T11:47:00.000-08:00

Leah keeps telling me I should post more pics.

Here is LB sitting on my knees on our front porch this morning. We just returned from feeding the neighborhood pig some overripe tomatoes. I was thankful for this little girl's hand to hold while we walked down the street, the warmer weather, no snow and not having to work until 10:00 am.

Earlier in the walk. I was trying to take a candid photo with my cell phone, but then she saw it and reached for it.

For the sake of personal motivation, I am going to put out a couple of teasers for future posts:

Some of the ups and downs of parenting
Who am I? Now that I am a mother, what happened to my hobbies?
The day I horrified a fertile with my infertility experience and how much I enjoyed it.
Learning to say no: LB, that is, not me

Finally a quick question. For those with blogs and kid(s), why do you choose to post or not post pics of your little ones?

The Power Of Genes

2009-12-10T11:15:00.000-08:00

I have had a post brewing in my head for weeks if not months on how our genes shape who we are and then today* I read this article about fraternal twin girls separated at birth in China and adopted by separate American families. I recommend reading the article but the summary is that children expressed a desire for a sister as soon as they could talk and connected with each other immediately after meeting for the first time - at age 4.

Is it their shared gestation that makes them long for and bond with each other or is it something rooted in their DNA? Either way, it is interesting for those of us choosing alternate means to parenthood.

The reason I have been thinking about genetics is because of LB's emerging personality. She is a tidy girl. I am her primary care giver and outside of working 20 hours / week and one evening to myself (not regularly, but trying to get there), I am with her. I am not tidy. Brad is and so is her donor. She is so tidy that one of her first words was "back" as in put it where it goes, not necessarily where it was. If she finds a piece of paper on the floor at Costco, she picks it up and says, "Back!" and we throw it away. The cat is on the kitchen counter? "Back!" We get the cat off. I leave a towel on the bed? "Back!" I joke to Brad that she follows me around, picking up after me or at least telling me to pick up after myself.

I believe this is (nearly?) entirely her genetic programming. Certainly she is not modeling her behavior after me. Not a big deal really . . . she could have the exact same tendencies if even if she shared my DNA. But she doesn't and that is the rub.

Perhaps I just will never be one of those people who believes "it just doesn't matter at all!". It matters because my perception is different. When I first saw this emerging, I didn't talk about it. To be honest, I was a bit hurt. While I was enjoying seeing her personality evolve and unfold, I was feeling sorry for myself. Instead of immediately joking sarcastically to Brad, "Oh no! She has your tidiness gene!" it took me several weeks to come to terms with it.

One night I broke down and cried. Not because LB was not like me, which is a thought that sometimes come to mind, but because I was sad when I should be celebrating. It was a turning point on this particular issue and since I have become more relaxed about the whole thing. I joke about it now - sometimes mouthing "O - C - D" to Brad and generally feeling close to how I think I would feel if she had been our mutually genetic child.

I will freely admit that it is a personality flaw that I really wanted my genetic child. I mean really. I continue to feel that loss. Not just the loss for any genetic child (although that too) but that I don't have that connection with LB. It is not something that weighs me down or crosses my mind overly often, but it is there and I am occasionally triggered.

And to offer some balance: I am a mom. I am the mom to the most amazing little girl. I get all the ups and downs of parenting and I am 100% convinced I enjoy it more than many, if not most, parents because of the struggle to get here (I may be biased - I also think LB is the most special kid to be born since the dawn of mankind. Could I be wrong?). Sometimes by the end of the day I am worn out by cuteness. I kid you not. I feel the need to come down emotionally a few notches because I have spent the whole day in a high energy cute-fest: laughs, tickles, new words, hugs, funny sounds, new skills and new adventures.

Which is why I haven't been blogging as often. On top of chasing around a toddler who is tolerant of me cleaning (she helps, of course . . . BACK!) or cooking or other active non-baby centered activities, but not so much when I am at the pc; I struggle with what to write and not to write. The posts that go through my head are usually downers about infertility or oh-my-gosh-guess-what-LB-did-today! gushing posts (which I have pretty much avoided). Neither one seems like a great choice. Nearly everything about infertility is negative and most of my readers know first hand what it is like. Besides Brad, no one cares like I do about the daily life of a particular 17 month old - especially those still ttc #1.

Not a new struggle nor topic for those of us parenting after infertility, but there is my take. I am still planning on keeping this blog and will just see how it goes. Perhaps I should branch out into the rest of my life - like the fact that I read science fiction and would really love to find a new author. If you have a favorite, please share.

*I just realized I started this post 6 days ago so "today" was actually December 4th.

Still Kicking!

2009-11-24T14:48:00.000-08:00

I am still here - just having trouble finding the time to blog. LB keeps me busy (and sleepy!) and work has been crazy. Not that I blog while working! No, of course not. Sheesh.

LBII seems to be going strong. I continue to plump up all too fast. Currently debating whether or not to get H1N1 vaccine - have decided each way multiple times. Continue to be more relaxed and expectant this pregnancy. Also still debating to quit my job or not . . . leaning toward not right now, but we will decide during my unpaid leave. Assuming, of course, we get a live baby out of this.

In LB news - she is at such a fun age. She uses more words every day and is constantly exploring. Right now I have a few minutes to blog because she is carefully opening the dog food container, getting a "scoop" (or about 2 tablespoons) and putting it in the dog's bowl. It is driving poor Ender, the dog (currently locked outside), mad with desire.

Bad infertile confession: I caught myself saying something in public I always try to only say in private. It was a lighthearted tone, but still would be offensive, I think, to a fellow infertile. After delightfully chasing LB around a department store, I joked to my mother, "I wish I had a five point harness!" Of course, there are times when I do want to tie her down for a few minutes, but people who don't know me also don't how grateful I am to have the opportunity to chase a little one around. I don't want to forget how something so casual can sting to someone in a different place on the trying to conceive journey.

That's it for now. Hopefully soon I will have a chance to post some of the things I have stirring around in my head. Until then I hope all of those still trying to have a child will find some peace during the difficult holiday season.

Thoughts On My Mind

2009-11-12T10:52:00.000-08:00

Just some random bullet points because I haven't updated in a bit and I just don't seem to have much time.

Work. Ug. It has been overwhelmingly busy and I am feeling burned out. I have been in tears twice this week (thankfully, I work from home). No doubt some of that is hormones. I have as many open issues and my high performing coworkers who work twice the number of hours. I am not providing our customers with the level of support I think is adequate and it stresses me out. I have talked to my manager and we are trying to free up some of my time, but the thought keeps crossing my mind: Should I quit?

Budget / spending wise I can't afford to quit unless we do something more drastic like refinance our house and incorporate those outstanding fertility treatment bills (now on low interest credit cards).

Healthcare: Why is it the experts who talk about what works and doesn't work in terms of our current healthcare system seem and healthcare systems in general seem to live in a completely different world than our politicians who are charged with fixing the mess? do these people not talk to each other? Sure, politicians have to worry about the financial cost when the big idea people don't - but compare the cost to the Iraq war. Dear politicians: Do what is right not what gets you financial support.

Eating habits are still poor. I am addicted to my 10:00 am junk food. Yesterday was a wake up call - I am only 10 pounds from where I was when I delivered LB and LBII needs to cook for another 18 weeks. I also got a haircut - 30 minutes looking at my chubby face. Must. Do. Better.

As all parents, I worry about LB's development. With IVF and ICSI and DE I wonder about all the 'unnatural' influences. She doesn't have as many verbal words as I thought she would by now (16.5 months and 5? words). Then I realized she was signing two word sentences like "Where daddy" or "Where phone" or "More cheese". Of course, it really shouldn't matter. She is who she is and I need to remember and live that thought.

The EC (elimination communication) is going well. She almost always signs when she has to go number 2. She normally doesn't sign when she has to go #1 until she is the middle of going. Still, we offer the potty enough during the day that when we are home she wears panties and no diaper. Sometimes she will refuse the potty and then we have a 'miss' a few minutes later, but I suppose that is all part of the learning process.

We got LB some foam blocks. I find them so relaxing. It is a chance to be peaceful and creative. That is until Babyzilla comes by with a "Woah ho ho!" and knocks them all down. Good times.

Not Quite Letting Go

2009-11-03T15:34:00.000-08:00

When I made my plan, it never really occurred to me that we would be successful with our FET. It was easy to decide "if it works, I will say good bye to my genetic baby forever". Of course, that was logical too since trying with my own eggs was even more unlikely to work. I knew at some point I really, once and for all, needed to completely let go of having my genetic child.

Oh, but I was excited and hopeful! For the first time in nearly two years I stopped saying (when one of my sisters was making my crazy), "Here I am, the pick of the litter and I didn't get to breed." I started saying (with an internal smile), "Here I am, the pick of the litter and I might yet get to breed."

They were good, hopeful times. I put the word out that I was looking for any left over meds to help defray as much of my out of pocket expenses as possible. I got a couple of promises and some in my anxious little hands. I was even excited about cycling alongside Belinda, our donor. We would make it as hopeful, exciting and stress free as possible. Belinda was excited too. It was right, it would work and no one would have to get nailed to anything!* I enjoyed that thought for 39 days.

Then came the positive pregnancy test on the FET.

I was and still am very, very happy it worked. While it would have been nice to try again with my eggs, the most likely outcome is that I wouldn't have had any of my embryos grow into a healthy baby. There were of course no guarantees that a fresh cycle with Belinda's and any potential FET's would have worked for a sibling. I know I am fortunate not only in being successful (so far) but in saving quite of bit of time, money and stress. It is all good.

So why do I still have these in my fridge and why does it make me just a little bit sad every time I see them?

*From Douglass Adam's book So Long and Thanks for All the Fish

Perfect Moment Monday: Best Halloween Ever

2009-11-02T11:34:00.000-08:00

Warning - this is a gushing kid post. Please carry on if you are not in the mood.

Sometimes the perfect moment is an ordinary moment you remember to appreciate and be present for. Sometimes the perfect moment is a dream come true.

I give you Halloween 2009:

LB fell asleep in the car just before we expected to go trick or treating. I couldn't wait for her to wake up, but let her sleep until she started to wake up a bit - about 45 minutes later. At the first sign of awareness, I started talking to her and when it was clear she was waking up and not just rolling over to go back to sleep, I scooped her up and started getting her into her customer

I was SO excited. "Oh, LB! Wait until you see what is in store for you! We are going trick or treating!! You are going to be a bee. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!" I went on and on - it was seriously pathetic - to the point that part of me wanted to be cautious - telling myself , "Don't be like your mom - expecting everything to be picture perfect and not enjoy it for what it is."

6:00 pm and we were off! LB dressed up as a bee with antenna on a headband, her little bucket in hand. Brad and I put with sunflower hoods on (get it? Bee? Flowers? tee hee hee). We went to the first house - she kind of got it. Second house - starting to notice a trend. Third house - people talk to me! I get to put stuff in my bucket (she has no idea what candy is)!

Soon she was into the swing of it. Even though she didn't like her headband antenna, she stopped to let us put it back on her before each house. She loved the attention and we soaked up how cute she was - loving every second.

LB continuously reminded us that it is about the journey and not the destination by insisting that she walk between houses like the other kids. Not only walk, but carry her own bucket which was getting increasingly heavy. Soon it bounced on the ground with each step. Brad and I spent about half the time enjoy her independence and about half the time scooping her up and carrying her despite her objections.

Toward the end she was signing "more" between houses. She started knocking on the door herself (not loud enough for anyone to hear her). She loved seeing the other kids who were all super nice and indulgent. One group of young teenage boys tried to get her to give them a high five or a pound. When one succeed he shouted, "I got one!" to the other boys. We trick or treated for an hour and a half and LB showed no signs of slowing down. Fortunately, she also didn't mind when we loaded her up into the car to go to a friend's house.

Oh, the weather was unusually warm too. In short, it was perfect. The next day, Brad and I decided it was the best Halloween either one of us had ever had.

For other people's perfect moments, go see Lori.

Is It Stealing?

2009-10-27T13:58:00.000-07:00

A local gas station had a computer glitch for a few hours in the wee morning hours. Instead of charging 2.86 / gallon, customers were charged 1 cent / gallon. A poll on the local news station asked, "If you got gas for 1 cent per gallon due to a computer error, would you pay back the difference?" The results are showing that about 60% said they would not pay back the difference.

It that stealing? What would you do? What does it say about our society that the majority would not pay back the difference?

___________________________________________________________________

In pregnancy news - we are 20 weeks and 2 days and all is going well. I am definitely feeling movement and our anatomy scan shows everything is where it should be. Perhaps it says something about my experience that I said during the u/s, "Could it be that we might have two healthy children?!"

What's In A Life?

2009-10-20T14:28:00.000-07:00

Today it seems important to remember the past. It seems disloyal somehow to forget what happened five years ago today. Tonight at around 8:00 pm in 2004, I gave birth to a baby boy. A baby who could have been one of the 34 embryos who (that?) didn't implant or one of the two who implanted for just a few weeks. He had serious birth defects that made him non-viable outside the womb. In a way, he was a pregnancy that went on too long.

Why do I feel the need to honor and remember him when I don't feel the same about the other 34 embryos? In the end, they all had the same potential to life.

I don't believe in a soul. Whoever Ernest might have been had he been well, I will never know. I didn't know him at all. He no longer exists. He was all potential or, more accurately, perceived potential. By all logic, I could let this day pass like the days that I miscarried or days were I am reminded of events during my failed IVF cycles - a moment of sadness or reflection or even to just push the memory out of my mind.

I don't want to be sad today. I don't know how to remember and not be sad. It seems important to remember - as if to tell Ernest, "We remember you." Which makes no sense if he no longer exists.

I don't know. Perhaps we can mark the day in a way that emphasizes and celebrates what we do have while still acknowledging what we lost. In years past, we went geocaching but last year seemed rushed (to beat the setting sun - our first year that we weren't either off work or it landed on a weekend) so I think we will do something different this year. I suppose Brad and I will decide when he gets home.

Oh, Ernest, I wish you were here.

Perfect Moment Monday: Taking A Breath

2009-10-19T11:00:00.000-07:00

It is that time of year again and I suspect (I hope) it is coloring my current situation. I have been feeling my baggage lately. Sometimes I lie in bed at night and wonder how I can still be breathing. I wonder how it all went so perfectly wrong - not just Ernest's conception and death but the 2 years before and the 4 years after while we waited for our Someday Baby. I have longed, once again, for our mutually genetic child so strongly that I felt, in that moment at least, I would trade in LB for Ernest to have lived and the following four years to have never happened.

Such thoughts lead to so many doubts: Would I have loved my genetic baby more? Am I really bonded with LB? What does it mean to be bonded to your child? Would I die for her? Am I a good mother to her? Will she grow up to say, "My mom did her best, but I knew she always wanted someone different."?

A few days into this funk, Brad and I were sitting in a cafe holding hands while LB made the rounds to family and friends - getting "pounds" (or however you say it), dancing to the music, signing for more whenever the music stopped. We were watching her meander and then, quite suddenly, the moment struck. It reminds me now of the last time when I was pregnant and I sat down my baggage for a minute. The image is burned in my mind: the feel of Brad's hand, the angle of my head, LB poised to walk out the door of the cafe and into the buildings corridor. Just an everyday, innocent moment; but I realized I was in love - in love with Brad, with LB and with my life - just the way it is. No regrets, no unfulfilled dreams, no still-healing wounds. What a perfect moment and I am so glad I got to experience it.*

Check out Lori's blog to see what other Perfect Moments people are sharing.

*I want to add that I have been thinking about my feelings for LB a lot lately - not just at night when my thoughts can run the most negative, but in the light of day. I realize I would die for her and that my interactions with her come from a place of love not just doing what I think I ought to do. I think we are doing ok.

Just A Little Rant

2009-10-13T15:25:00.000-07:00

I will try not to be too negative because this isn't really a big deal, but it bugs me just the same.

The other day I was checking CNN for the headlines. I think it may have been the day the Nobel Peace prize was announced. Definitely some news there, but it was a few other articles that irritated me.

All on the same day there was:

News that the Dugger's were expecting their first grandchild
Someone had her second set of twins in two months
Someone was expecting a boy

The last article I clicked on(in hindsight proving that it IS news) because it was the most non-news of them all. I thought it might at least explain who the person was and why I should care that she was having a boy. It didn't. It just said that this person was very happy to be pregnant, but even happier to know the baby was a boy so she could now go shopping and fix up the nursery. WTF? You and a million other people, I suspect.

Again, why should I care? How is this news?

Ok. I am off my soap box.

As for a more personal update:

LB may be getting her first illness. She has a runny nose and Brad has a cold. I am hoping it is just a teething thing and it will pass.
I think I have been feeling LBII move lately, but still won't believe it until I see it - next u/s is this Friday.
We are seriously talking about me quitting my job if we have a live baby in March. I already feel like we don't make enough money, but who doesn't? Everything has trade-off's.
We are shopping for a king size bed. The biggest question - will it fit into our bedroom and will we still be able to open our dresser drawers?
My diet has taken a nose dive. While LB has been mostly sleeping through the night for several months now, I still don't. I wake up every time she moves, which is often. If she doesn't move for several hours, I wake up to make sure she is still breathing. It's crazy. I wonder if it is changing hormones that make it harder to sleep deeply. At any rate, I keep up my energy by eating lots of carbs - usually in the form of chocolate. I pop handfuls of chocolate chips like a addict popping pills.

It seems like I am a bit of a downer today. All my bullet points have a negative bent to them. When I do this to Brad he counters with, "Tell me something good that happened today." Here are some good things.

I slept pretty good last night.
LB and I danced to some kid music in the kitchen before work.
After work, we hung out on a blanket in front of the fireplace and she played while I read.
Right now LB is sitting on my lap and I am enjoying how it feels.
Brad will be home soon and I am going to try really hard not to eat anymore banana chocolate chip cookies. (Why do I hear Yoda saying, "Either do or do not. There is no try."?)

Milestones

2009-10-08T16:29:00.001-07:00

If you look closely at the picture on the left, you will see blue ink scribbles on the strip of wall. I all but had tears in my eyes as I took this picture with my cell phone to send to Brad while he was at work.

We have a little kid who wrote on our wall. How lucky are we?

Pregnancy Update

2009-10-01T14:05:00.000-07:00

I have a rare moment when I am off work for the day and LB is sleeping (although I hope to join her soon) and thought I would give a quick update since I have been pretty quiet about the goings on around the pregnancy.

In a nutshell, the news is good. I am 16 weeks 4 days today. Yesterday was my appointment with my midwife (like the last pregnancy, I am seeing both a homebirth midwife and an OB; alternating every 2 weeks.) We heard that wonderful sound of a heartbeat and I think I even felt LBII move when she placed the doppler. I hope the movement will become more pronounced soon since it is so reassuring that the little guy is still alive.

In two weeks we will have an anatomy scan with my OB, but will not find out the sex. Hopefully we will find out that everything looks good, not that that is any kind of guarantee.

My mood seems to be improving after getting better for a bit and then worse again for a bit. I hope this is the end of getting worse. There are days when I have wondered if I would ever be truly happy again.

Speaking of being happy (or not), I am really unsatisfied with my job lately. Unfortunately, I don't think decent (not good, but ok) paying, part time jobs are readily available so it is this one or unemployment. Believe me that the latter is looking better and better. Brad will support me either way, but I know he prefers that I keep working. I don't earn much especially after paying a babysitter, but it is still enough to make the house payment each month (small house, remember?). Plus, if he suddenly lost his job I could probably go full time the very next day.

I also wonder how employable I would be 5 or so years from now, at 47-ish, if I were to quit working now. We do ok financially, but it would be nice to feel like we had a little more wiggle room in a few years.

Well, LB woke up, but I wanted to share what I found looking for median income - just trying to figure out where we stand. I was surprised to find we are in the 4th quintile. It makes me wonder how everyone buys what they buy. Oh wait, most people don't spend nearly two years net income on fertility treatments.

It is also interesting that if you make over $250,000 per year, you are in the top 1.5%. I wonder how many people in that range think they are in middle class? Well, I suppose they are in middle class if you define that bracket to cover 97% of the population.

Learning Moments

2009-09-29T12:23:00.000-07:00

I thought I might intersperse my typical "infertilty sucks" posts with a few post about some mom stories. I will always start the title with "Learning Moments" so that anyone who doesn't want to read them can skip that post. I thought about calling them "Bad Mother Moments" which might be more accurate, but perhaps that is a bit too strong or at least makes it sound like I am looking for "your doing fine!" comments.

The first installment is . . . . Learning Moments: Setting Boundaries.

I have discovered that I am really bad at setting boundaries. Despite my disgust at seeing fertiles not control their kids or answering their requests with, in essence, "No. No. No. Yes.", I have found that I really struggle with this.

The other day, we were playing chase in a local Sho.pko. It was during the day, the store was practically empty, and I kept an eye out for other shoppers. LB isn't exactly a swift walker so it was pretty easy to contain our play. First I would chase her and then I would say, "You can't catch me!" and she will giggle and try to catch me as I would hide around the next corner.

LB positively LOVES this. She loves to walk just because she can and given our small house a store offers things she can't get either inside (because of size) or outside (lacking in obstacles and/or not lacking in cars).

Alas, all good things must come to an end. I don't want to be too obnoxious (lest there be some other infertiles in the store) so after a few minutes, I grabbed a cart and put LB in it.

LB instantly started crying like her world was ending. I suppose to her, it was. It was heartbreaking. Inside my head was the following conversation:

Heart: Oh, let her play!

Mind: We have shopping to do.

Heart: She was having so much fun. WE were having so much fun. Just this once.

Mind: Oh, ok.

Mind: No, wait! We already said "no". The time to keep playing is past.

Heart: Can't you hear her crying? Do you not see how sad she is? (Heart then tries to control arms and help LB back out of the cart.)

Mind: Must. Be. Strong. It is never going to be easier than this to teach LB that I am in charge. It is ok to put my needs first in this case. In the end, this will be good for both of us.

I am happy to report that LB did not get to run amok again. Eventually, I broke down and took her out of the cart and held her, but did not let her back down to walk around. Perhaps I shouldn't even have held her, but I reasoned it was a fair compromise given that she was overly tired as well as teething.

I honestly had no idea this would be hard for me. I am going to keep reminding myself to be strong (although not authoritarian, I hope) and to keep practicing. I don't want to become some 8 year old's(or God forbid, a teenager's!) personal servant.

If you have kids, did you struggle with this? How have you found a way to balance yours and your child's needs/wants? If you hope to have kids, how do you see yourself setting boundaries and sticking to them?

Reality Or Perception?

2009-09-22T16:24:00.000-07:00

Before I get started on this post, I wanted to say thank you to all of the great thoughts and insights in the previous post.

I have recently had an experience that generated much discussion in my family over how dangerous the world really is.

Scene: Neighborhood park 2.5 blocks from my house. I am there with my 9 year old nephew, 4 year old nephew and LB - age 15 months. Unfortunately, our German Shepherd is also there with us after escaping out of the backyard. He is overly excited (because my nephews keep squealing every time he gets close making them great squeaky toys) and keeps running up and down on the play equipment - something he usually avoids. I don't have a leash and have decided the best thing to do is to leave the kids at the park and run home with the dog. I could take LB with me, but she would slow me down a great deal. I decide to leave the 9 year old in charge and tell him I will be less than 5 minutes. The oldest is nervous about being without an adult (and would not have agreed had the dog not been also very scary) so I point out a house across the street where there are obviously some adults home and tell him to run to that house if he gets scared for any reason.

I take the dog home, I am back in less than 5 minutes and everyone is well. I sit on the sidelines while my nephews crawl all over the play equipment for the next 30 minutes and occasionally assist LB in some minor adventures of her own.

Later, I tell my sister (my nephews' mother) about our adventures. She is shocked that I would not only leave a 9 year old in charge of a 4 year old and a 15 monty old, but says she wouldn't have even left her two kids alone in a neighborhood park for 5 minutes.

That starts which is to me a very disturbing conversation. The nine year old isn't even allowed, for example, to hang out in the toy aisle of a Target while she spends 20 minutes shopping. I spend the rest of the day - and on to the next - wondering if A) the world really is so much more dangerous than when were kids and B) how my nephews will cope with the world as they grow up if they continue to be so sheltered.

I don't know what was bothering me more - the thought that my nephews may grow up without the skills they need* or that there really is a boogy-man out to get LB.

Since that conversation, I have done a small amount of research at it appears that violent crime rates are actually lower than when I was a kid. There doesn't seem to be good data about abductions - especially from before 1980, but one fact that is often repeated is that there were 115 "stereotypical" abductions of children in a particular year (1999?). These were cases where a stranger kidnapped a child to murder, assault or keep the child. The other nearly 800,000 cases were abductions by family members, acquaintances (still scary), runaways and throw-aways (abandoned children or children that went missing and the parents didn't report it).

If there were only 115 stranger abductions that would put the likelihood of getting abducted at a little greater than the chance of getting struck by lightning.

Of course, if it happens to you, it doesn't matter what the statistics are. I wonder, though, how careful should we be? Is it crippling for a 9 year old to be afraid of being alone? I remember the first time I walked to the store alone. It was about 10 blocks from home along a very busy street. It was such a proud moment that I remember like it was yesterday. I was 5 years old. Many years later I learned that my father followed me that first time to make sure I was being careful, but I went on to walk even farther to school (I may have been as old as 9) and to ride my bike across town with my 11 year old sister to my grandparents house, among other adventures.

My memory is from the perspective of a child, but I remember our neighborhood being full of children riding bikes, playing games, running from house to house - only to return home at dusk. I don't remember adults doing more than checking in once in awhile. Well, that and feeding us when we got hungry.

I asked a slightly older friend of mine what she would have done in the above scenario. She agreed with me but added her children would have agreed with my sister. She added, "It is the age of paranoia."

What do you think? Are we protecting our children by constant vigilance or are we hurting a generation of children by being so afraid? Is the world really that much more dangerous or is it our perception? How are you raising / planning on raising your children?

*A part of the story I left out in order not to color your initial reaction is that the previous 30 minutes were spent trying to coax the 4 year old out of the coat closet because he missed his mom and the older one out of the bathroom because he couldn't deal with the younger one "having a meltdown".

What's In A Gene?

2009-09-14T20:26:00.003-07:00

Not surprisingly, I have thinking about what it means to be genetically related.

The other day I was following LB as she walked down the street and I wondered how things would be different if she were my genetic offspring. I made a mental list: different hair and eye color, different temperament, different personality - in short, a different person. She would also be a different person if one of the other DE embryos implanted instead of her - suddenly that train of thought seemed rather pointless. I don't think I would love her or treat her any differently. The day to day stuff would all be the same. Does it really matter?

Several people who adopted with adult age children have told me, "It doesn't matter at all!" I continue to disagree. Although perhaps I misunderstood. Perhaps these people were trying to tell me that it doesn't matter at all in how you feel about your child and the way you raise them. The "big stuff" would all be the same. I think there is more to it than that. Here are some observations that paint a picture that it does matter.

My hairdresser is adopted and has zero interest in ever meeting his birth parents. The hairdresser in the station next to him met her birth family (the mother is not mentally well) at 13 and she loves having them in her life. She said it was great to be surrounded by people who laughed like her and shared so many traits. I wonder why it doesn't matter to him, but it does matter to her.
A friend's son had a child with a women my friend didn't like. This was from a short term relationship. She refused to meet her grandchild. When I asked why her answer was, "He doesn't even know if the child is his!" To my friend it was apparently irrelevant that her son had chosen to parent this child. Why is this child not family?
Brad has recently reconnected with his niece. She was born to his brother when his brother was 20 and also in a short term relationship. Brad's brother never had a relationship with his daughter and Brad hasn't seen her since he was around 19 and she was a few years old. He has been looking for her as long as I have known him. He finally found her on FB. They met for the first time last weekend. I got to join them for part of the meeting and we had a really nice time. Brad really hopes they will continue to get to know each other. I asked him why it was important. He said, "She is the only family I've got left." (He doesn't get along with the rest of his family.) Why is she family?
LB was crying the other day and her eyes appeared green - a shade that was very close to how my eyes look when I have been crying. I could imagine what it would have been like to see my eyes in her. It was a bittersweet moment. It was sweet to imagine sharing our eye color. It was sad to know I would never get to experience it outside of my imagination.
A fellow DE blogger has reconnected with her birth father. He told her that he was proud of her. If an unrelated stranger had said that to her it wouldn't have had nearly the impact. Why does it matter if the stranger is your genetic father?

The interesting thing is that when I ask people why it matters or not or why someone is family or not, they often don't have an answer. They try to answer it, but it seems they don't really know themselves. I suppose it is possible that they are trying to protect my feelings, but that is not my belief.

What are your thoughts? What makes someone family? What does it mean to have a genetic connection? Does it matter if the genetic contributor expected to help someone else conceive and not parent (as with donor eggs, donor sperm) compared to a surprise pregnancy where a decision needs to be made whether or not to parent? What questions / thoughts come to your mind when your are musing about genetics?

Ready For This?

2009-09-04T10:26:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine was thoughtful enough to point out the response to a "question of the week" in a Midwifery Today e-newsletter. I am sure it is obvious that I support homebirth, but this post isn't about that. This is about infertility and the vast amount of ignorance and unhelpful advice.

Please read the question and response below and then send an email.

Q: I have a friend who has been trying to get pregnant for at least two years now, probably three, without success. She is a powerful, healthy, active, spiritual woman. Her husband is a wonderful African dancer and has an individual providing spiritual guidance from Africa who has promised them that the baby will come someday. I am an RN and know the medical definition of infertility. I try to have hope for them but it is hard for me. My friend has had all the infertility tests run and has been told all is okay with her. I do not know about her husband. They cannot afford in vitro fertilization.

My friend has great faith and has, incredibly, not lost hope but I wish I had some information to give her besides the normal medical research on things that could help her get pregnant. I know this is a struggle so many other women deal with too. Any ideas?

— Maira

A: The advice I give most couples trying to get pregnant is to have sex in places other than their bedroom...have sex in every room in the house! It's a lot of fun and works like a charm.

— Donna Harnett

Before you get too worked up, I understand that this question / answer forum is open to the public and Donna Harnett is likely a reader of the e-newletter and not a staff member of Midwifery Today. Still, I think the person answering the question needs some further advice, don't you?

Please send an email to: mtensubmit@midwiferytoday.com
On the subject line put: Question of the Week
At the top of the email put: RE: The response to the infertility question by Donna Harnett in E-News issue 11-18.

In the body of the email, I suggest you give some good advice to the question. Please be polite. I hope the next prints some of our responses.

Here is mine:

I'm sorry, but if Maira accepts the advice from Donna Harnett, the most likely response is that she will damage her friendship to a point that it may never recover.

I have personally experienced infertility for over seven years. Having sex in every room of the house probably happened in the first year. This wasn't done because it 'works like a charm', but as a way to try to make having sex fun again after months of timed intercourse and having sex when the time is right even if the mood isn't. I suspect the fun part of sex died out years ago.

Here is my answer to the question:

Dear Maira:

My advice is to tell your Friend that you are here to listen any time and as often as needed. Please don't offer advice or stories about how "a friend of mine finally adopted, gave up, got drunk, took a vacation or whatever and got pregnant." Those things do happen, but the stories are told because they are so rare.

After 3 years it is unlikely, although not impossible, for your friend to get pregnant on her own. I hope she will find a way to deal with the financial side of fertility treatments (which have their own set of stresses), but either way she needs friends right now - friends who are willing to listen to her grief and sorrow again and again if necessary. If your friend seems distant, reach out to her. It is easy to pull away from friends who cannot not or will not understand the cycles of grief and hope that come with trying to conceive. It is often easier to isolate oneself from the more "fertile" world than to deal with pregnancy announcements, baby stories and advice that trivializes instead of validating her experience.

You may also want to read some books (or blogs - try starting with Stirrup Queens) to further understand what your friend may be going through. Even try asking her how she is doing or what it is like. If she doesn't want to talk about it, let it go. If she does, it may be just what she needs.

Thank you for wanting to support your friend during what may be the most trying time of her life.

Kami

I wonder what the questions / answer might have been like had it been a different medical issue. Below is my dear husband's interpretation:

Q: I have a friend who has been fighting cancer for at least two years now, probably three, without success. She is a powerful, healthy, active, spiritual woman. Her husband is a wonderful African dancer and has an individual providing spiritual guidance from Africa who has promised them that a long life. I am an RN and know the medical definition of cancer. I try to have hope for them but it is hard for me. My friend has had all the tests run and has been told all is okay with her. I do not know about her husband. They cannot afford in chemotherapy.

My friend has great faith and has, incredibly, not lost hope but I wish I had some information to give her besides the normal medical research on things that could help her get better. I know this is a struggle so many other people deal with too. Any ideas?

— Maira

A: The advice I give most couples trying fighting cancer is to have eat lemons...eat lemons in every room in the house! It's a lot of fun and works like a charm.

— Donna Harnett

The Sound Of Magic

2009-09-03T13:10:00.001-07:00

A heartbeat. What a wonderful thing to hear. I have gotten complacent in this pregnancy. LB keeps me sufficiently busy that I ~~don't have time~~ forget to pay attention to this new baby. Unlike LB where I could not believe we would ever have a baby, but still appreciated each moment I was pregnant; now I (all interfering gods look away) expect to have a live baby, but forget to appreciate this moment.

Then yesterday my midwife could not find the heart tones. She wasn't worried, 12 weeks is at the limit of where she can pick up heart tones with the doppler. I wasn't worried and decided that I would not give it any mind share until my next appointment (with the OB) in two weeks. Then I woke up in the middle of the night thinking, "What if this baby dies because I didn't pay attention to it?" I know noticing or not noticing will have no effect at all, but a middle-of-the-night mind doesn't have much reason. I spent some time talking to this little one and telling him I am so glad he is here and how I think he will really like his big sister, etc."

The next morning I felt more rational and felt that everything would be ok. But then I thought I was pregnant with our 3rd IVF and I wasn't. Wouldn't it be just my luck to regain some trust in our ability to go from pregnancy to a baby only to be knocked down again? Perhaps my confidence is unfounded. Maybe the baby is already dead. No, don't think like that - alive or not there is nothing I can do about it, I might as well assume the best and go about my day.

Nah! Let's show up at the OB's office and get a heartbeat! I packed LB into the car, grabbed two egg sandwhiches at a local fast food restaurant (I kid you not, LB can eat nearly an entire sandwhich) and off we went. I called on the way - as soon as they opened- and said I could be there at 9:00. My sister met me there just in case we got bad news. Again, I wasn't really worried, but you just never know.

And then . . .

Ahhhhh . . . heart tones. Magic.

And a reminder to be here now. I am pregnant and never will be again. I may not be able to give this experience all the attention I gave the last pregnancy, but I can do better. Especially if it doesn't give LB a sibling, but even it does, I want to know that I appreciated and enjoyed the process as much as possible.

Singing The Blues

2009-09-01T09:45:00.000-07:00

Thank you everyone for your support and advice. After reading many comments that basically said, "Why be miserable?", I called my OB to discuss it further.

I told him that I am only really sad about 20-40% of the time, but when I am, it is bad and I am quite miserable (well, for me - not to trivialize the experience people who deal with depression on a daily basis). During those times I want a way out, but then the next morning or later that day I will be feeling better and think that I can just tough it out.

He said that it is not uncommon to feel more sad or get depressed when progesterone drops during pregnancy. This happens naturally around 15 to 16 weeks. It also happened just two weeks ago when I stopped my PIO shots.

His advice is to make it through the next 4 weeks and if my mood doesn't improve, then by all means we can look into a chemical solution. I can do 4 weeks.

I know I was depressed quite a bit with LB well passed the 16 week mark, but as I said, I was also grieving. I am hopeful things will get better. In the meantime lots of walks and chocolate. Hmm . . . I guess I am already using the chemical solution. Nothing like a little self medication with the good stuff.

Please Help

2009-08-28T20:02:00.000-07:00

I just got a request from a friend about a friend of hers - someone who has been trying to bring home their child from Guatemala for 4 years. I can't imagine being separated from your child for that long.

They are almost there, but they need people to help ASAP in a mailing blitz to try to bring attention to their cause.

Here is the link. Please take 15 minutes to print out and mail the letters.

It Mostly All Good

2009-08-28T18:32:00.000-07:00

I had another OB appointment today. I am still spotting, although very lightly and not red at all, but enough for him to want to see me in two weeks. It's all good with me at this point. I won't feel like I can do whatever I want physically until we know the abruption is completely healed.

I will also see my midwife next week and hopefully that will all go well too. I'm not sure I want to live in both camps like I did with the last pregnancy - one hand saying All Natural!! and the other saying Intervention!!; but we shall see as things go on. For the time being, I like the extra security that I get from seeing our OB (and taking a peek at LB Mark II), but I certainly hope he isn't there for the birth.

In other news, I am sad . . . a lot. Even down right depressed. With the last pregnancy I cried almost every night, but thought it was all just part of the grieving process. Now I realize it is just what I do when I get pregnant - made worse last time by real grief.

This time, it is so . . . desperate? I don't know the right word. Because I had something obvious to be sad about I thought that was it. Because I knew I was grieving (what we had been through in total plus the loss of my genetic connection) and I was no stranger to grief, I knew it would get better.

Now I just feel sad as if my life is empty and meaningless - always was that way and always will be, I just never realized it before. I feel such despair and it is desperate because I can't figure a way out. Was I always this sad? Will I ever be happy again? What if we had a bigger house? More money? A more fulfilling job? If there is a solution, how will I attain it? How can we make more money? Afford a new house? Find better, but still part-time employment?

And poor Brad . . . he is suffering as much or more than I am. Sometimes the sadness is expressed as anger. I tell him I hate our house or ask him how we will make more money (which he hears as "you need to get a better paying job!")

Today I mentioned my depression to my OB hoping he would offer a chemical solution. Nope! He isn't uncaring, just figures (I assume) that I would come out and ask for a chemical solution if I wasn't dealing with it. And I suppose I am. A couple of days ago, I told Brad that I haven't felt any joy in weeks. Sometimes I feel "nice" but it stops short of joy. Since then I have really paid attention and I do actually feel joy sometimes. In fact, I am often most happy in the morning and trending toward most sad/angry in the evenings - the very pattern of my morning sickness in the first two pregnancies.

I will ask my midwife for some suggestions when I see her next. Of course, she will probably offer an herbal remedy or tell me to get more exercise or eat differently. And they might have some benefit, but probably not enough. I have tried lots of herbal or 'natural' remedies over the years and it is my experience most fall short or are of no use at all although there have been some notable exceptions.

It's kind of funny - I go to a midwife and an OB and don't really embrace either person's beliefs. Things aren't as dangerous in the medical arena as my midwife thinks nor as safe as my OB thinks. A home birth isn't as safe as my midwife thinks (although in most cases safer, in my opinion, than a hospital birth) nor as dangerous as my OB thinks.

Well, I have blathered on long enough. I think I will go for a walk and see if my mood lifts a bit. I have been remiss on keeping up with everyone's blogs - I hope I am not missing too much. The funny thing about the blues - you just don't feel like doing anything even though doing something is just what you need.

So - all is good, at least mostly. Don't feel sorry for me - I am one of the lucky ones and if I am depressed for another 6 months, at least it is only 6 months.

Off

2009-08-20T12:14:00.000-07:00

Off bed rest, that is. As of 2:00 yesterday. Thank goodness, I was getting really grumpy. Poor Brad, I bet he hated to come home from work. He was doing all the childcare and putting up with me be surly or sad or both. It was not pretty, but hopefully it is behind us and really, as things go, wasn't that painful. At least for me. Brad might have a different story.

But 6 hours later I had some spotting. I hope my reprieve isn't short lived. I have a call into my OB but he isn't in until tomorrow. The nurse said, "Take it easy. Brown spotting is normal during pregnancy." It didn't help that she sounded young and I have never spoken to her before and she isn't even my doctor's nurse, but I heard a patronizing tone of voice. I wanted to respond, "This is my fifth pregnancy, I have had two miscarriages and one early infant death. I know what is normal and what isn't. What I want to know is if I need to start the three days over again?"

I was polite and got off the phone.

Update: I forgot to post this yesterday (Wednesday) and today I spoke to my OB and we are ALL GOOD! Normal activity may be resume. Thank goodness!

In other news . . . I don't have any other news. I haven't done anything in a week.

I have had some thoughts wondering through my head lately, however. One of them being that I would really like to make some homemade pizza with homemade pizza dough soon (I have been watching Alton Brown to pass the time) or perhaps this chocolate cake.

The other thought is a twist on the "Why her and not me?"

How many times have I thought that? The first time that was sufficiently significant to remember was on FF. It was about a year after Ernest died and I came across someone offering hope to someone else trying IUI with severe male factor infertility. Like me they were successful in getting pregnant when all odds were against them. I kept reading and she ended with " . . . and now we have a 2 year old son." I felt my mind bending in on itself. Some part of me had decided that Ernest died because we really shouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place, but here was someone who beat the odds and got a baby. I couldn't believe it and kept rereading the passage thinking, "Why her and not me?"

So many times in the following 5 years that question has come up again and again. I know there is no reason. I know the world is wholly natural (with no higher powers interfering) and that things just happen. Yet, I still find I want that answer.

Lately, I have been wondering the reverse: Why me and not her? Why was I so lucky (so far) with baby number two and others are still doing everything possible and just keep trying and trying with no luck. There has just been too much bad news out there lately.

It makes no sense and it's not fair and there is not one thing we can do about it.

Pregnancy Update

2009-08-15T16:34:00.000-07:00

It was an interesting visit with Dr. Wonderful. The best news is that the abruption is healing nicely. The scary part is that the lake that was so large (the fluid between the walls of the placenta) is no longer there. A lake isn't supposed to heal so that was actually part of the abruption too. I'm glad we didn't realize that on Monday. I am still off my feet until there is absolutely no spotting for 3 full days. I might have said that in my post on Monday, but then I was hopeful that meant 3 total days of bed rest. I am still waiting to go more than about 6 hours. We are at 5 days now. Oh, well, it is nothing in the grand scheme of things and I am very lucky to be pregnant at all. Plus, Dr. Wonderful said in all likliehood the abruption will heal completely.

We also saw the baby move - a kick, a punch and even what looked like a little shake of the head. We watched blood (well, red light the u/s machine showed us as blood) moving through the umbilical cord. We could then follow the main artery from the placenta into our little Dish Mate's heart. It was all quite amazing.

Before all this happened, we had a good discussion about the risks of doing a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). Specifically, a VBAC at home. Current research, according to Dr. Wonderful, puts the risk of uterine rupture during labor at 0.4% or 4 out of one thousand. About one out those four will die or have serious consequences, the other 3 will probably be ok. That is, if the person is in the hospital and can get an emergency c-section as soon as the rupture is detected. If we have a rupture at home, Cathy, my midwife, could start an IV going on the way to the hospital to save time, but really the liklihood is that the baby won't survive.

Of course it is scary and the odds don't seem that high unless it happens to you and then they might as well be a 100%. I can only imagine how unbelievably painful it would be to have your insides tear open like that nevermind knowing the child you carried for 9 months in dying while you drive.

But that is the unlikely situation where a rupture occurs at home. I don't know, but I suspect, that a hospital rupture is more likely because often labor inducing or augmenting drugs are used which put more strain on the uterus. Obviously, no studies have been done on drug free VBAC's because there just aren't that many people who choose to labor drug free. Addtionally, there are other precautions we can take to avoid an abruption. We can monitor the baby more often than usual (although I think Cathy checks pretty often anyway) and transport at the first sign of fetal distress. Dr. Wonderful said that is the first sign of a impending rupture - even before the contraction monitor goes flat. We can also be conservative about how long I labor before transporting for either the additional monitoring and preperation that can take place in a hospital or simply plan on having another cesarean upon arrival.

Dr. Wonderful promises to be there if we transport too. I will keep asking him to come to my house for the birth since I went to his place last time. I know he won't, but it is fun to ask him. I like him and he is comforting to have around. Still, in labor and birth, it is Cathy who I want in charge - especially at home. No offense to Dr. Wonderful, but I wonder if he has ever even seen a completely natural birth.

Thank you to every one who commented and checked in on my status. I feel so grateful to have so many people who can support me especially since many of you are still working on that first miracle baby and I am (hopefully) well on our way to our second.

Because It Is Never That Easy

2009-08-10T12:56:00.000-07:00

I had plans to post about my hormonal roller coaster today. It turns out I get pretty blue when I am pregnant, especially at night. There have even been times when I have wished that I wasn't only not pregnant, but didn't have any kids at all. I have also been filled with hate. I hate everything. I decided I hated my cell phone so much last Friday that I turned it off for the weekend. I would have preferred to watch it melt, but knew that was neither practical nor wise.

It's kind of funny to think of those thoughts / feelings now when I feel more in my "right" frame of mind. Those emotions are as real when they happen as any. Fortunately, I am neither sad nor full of hate most of the time and when I am I recognize that it is not based on reason. It is strange to feel this way and know it isn't who I normally am. We really are our chemicals.

But the important news of the day is that I have some placental issues. I have been spotting since shortly after the first beta. Today it turned red and was watery so we got in to see our OB. It turns out I have two trouble spots. One, called a lacuna, is a fluid filled gap in the placenta. It will likely be there the entire pregnancy and may cause growth issues or may be no issue at all.

The other is much smaller but it is between the uterus and the placenta. It could cause a miscarriage or preterm labor or, I am assuming (the OB didn't mention this) that it could cause a stillbirth as well. The good news is that it can heal.

The good news is that I will be waited on for a minimum of 3 days - strict bedrest. I will be adhering to his advice very closely, unlike the end of the last pregnancy where I took it as more of a guideline. If I can go 3 days without bleeding, I am off of bedrest. I am hoping that if I am diligent, it will heal quickly.

Our next update will be this Friday. I am still hopeful. If this doesn't work, I hope it ends sooner than later. Of course, I really hope it works because I don't think I will have the strength to try again.

Seat In Upright And Locked Position

2009-08-04T15:57:00.000-07:00

Today was our last - hopefully forever - visit to the RE. The baby measured right on time at 8 weeks 2 days and had a h/b of 171. Everything is looking good and we are now in the "less than 2%" failure category. It is a good feeling and there are times I forget to remember that 2% feels like 100% when it happens to you. That is, that there are moments when I forget that we still might not get a healthy baby out of this. I actually find myself planning for a sibling. I never planned on LB being born. I couldn't get my mind around it. It is a nice change to expect this pregnancy to make a baby even once in a while.

Of course, I also sometimes feel like I am tempting fate by thinking like that. If I utter a sentence like, "We are going to have our hands full next summer," I immediately feel I should utter a prayer of forgiveness for my arrogance to the (in)fertility gods out there. If I believed in a god, I probably would.

So we are very excited. The RE's office has a dual set of double doors that automatically open towards you as you exit the building. As Brad and I approached the exit, LB in my arms; we held hands, stood tall and pranced out of the building like were starting our adventures down the yellow brick road. We were walking out of there for good. No more blood draws, transfers, retrievals, ultra sounds and all the drama (mostly bad for us, unfortunately) that goes with it. Wohoo!!!

Still, as crazy as this sounds, I will miss the people there. My RE and I got along great. The embryologist was always very nice and explained things in detail. All the nurses were kind and easy to get along with. I'll even miss the billing lady, although I suspect she and I will have a few more conversations before it is all over.

I used to ask my RE to tell me a story during our transfers. I don't think he very talkative during a procedure and I found I was often too keyed up to make conversation. It was relaxing and interesting to hear about whatever. Sometimes we talked about the how and why of what was going on, sometimes it was about the latest book he was reading. He was also always supportive, understanding and willing to answer any an all questions. Every once in a while I got to hear some of the inside skinny about the fertility industry which was always fascinating to me.

I feel like I have just taken a long flight and happened to find my seat mate an enjoyable person to talk with. Okay, so the plane almost crashed several times and there were a lot of tears and negative experiences, but it wasn't my seat mate's fault and he was actually a comfort to have around. But now the flight is over and we have disembarked to go our separate ways. Perhaps our paths will cross again.

Perfect Moment Monday: Quiet Time

2009-08-03T14:33:00.000-07:00

I discovered something the other day. Brad dropped me off at home and took LB for a drive so I could have a little quiet time to myself. I realized about a week ago that my quiet time is close to zero. Dangerously close to zero.

It was an accident - the time last week - when I found myself alone with no baby and no friends for about an hour. I didn't quite know what to do with myself. It was the first time in over a year that I was completely alone. There have been nap times where I wasn't tired enough to sleep, but there is always the sense that it might end any time. I have met up with friends for non-baby time, but the drive is rarely more than 10 minutes and often less. Usually I turn on the radio because it is a chance to play my music as loudly as I want.

Actually, I have tried the quiet time thing once or twice before, now that I think about it. Perhaps my hormones are changing because I am pregnant, but it was very hard not to feel the pull of LB. Even though I trusted who she was with, I felt I needed to be with her at a very instinctual level. I wasn't really able to be in the moment.

But last week I almost made it and it shifted my awareness enough to realize I need to find more time to myself.

So Brad dropped me off. I had decided that I would have cherry pie with ice cream while I read a book. As I got the pie and ice cream ready, I started to notice how peaceful I was feeling. Peaceful and centered in a way I haven't been in a very long time. The house was quiet as if nothing could disturb it. Just perfect in a way I can't describe.

I sat down on the front porch with my book and pie and ice cream and realized it was too much. I needed simplicity. I needed it. There was no one who might need me at a moment's notice. There was no conversation to pay attention to and no decisions to be made. There were no distractions except the ones I created.

So I put the book away. Then I slowly ate the ice cream and savored every bite. Then I ate the cherry pie, discovering that the best bites had crust or cherry, not both. Simple. Perfect.

See what others are sharing for their Perfect Moments.

Not The Same

2009-07-28T13:58:00.000-07:00

The following was in my in box this morning. I think Amazon needs to refine their program to recognize that choosing child free and and being involuntary child free are two different things.

Dear Amazon.com Customer,

As someone who has purchased or rated Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility by Janet Jaffe, you might like to know that No Kids: 40 Good Reasons Not to Have Children will be released on August 4, 2009. You can pre-order yours at a savings of $3.43 by following the link below.

No Kids: 40 Good Reasons Not to Have Children
Corinne Maier

List Price: ~~$12.95~~

Price: $9.52

You Save: $3.43 (26%)

Release Date: August 4, 2009

Review
“A combination of tart sisterly advice with shock-tactic social analysis.”
— Globe and Mail

“Maier seems to have that uncanny ability to put her finger exactly on what people are thinking, at the right time and in the right place. Right now, it’s motherhood.”
— The Telegraph

More to Explore

Childfree and Loving It!
Nicki Defago

Of course, I had to check out the book and found the author has 2 kids! She, apparently, discovered that she really didn't want kids after all. Perhaps if she had 6 years to think about it and to wonder if she would ever have kids, she would appreciate what she has. At the very least, appreciate that the desire for kids goes beyond logical reasoning.

I get that this is supposed to be a book of humor, but I couldn't help but compare some of the reasons listed in a review with the infertility experience:

•You will lose touch with your friends Yes.

•Your sex life will be over Ditto.

•Children cost a fortune Yep! AND you spend it in a very short period of time. With a little luck you will GET to spend a fortune on a child or two.

•Child-rearing is endless drudgery I guess one could argue TTC isn't endless drudgery . . . that is if you are lucky enough to find a way to become a parent.

•Vacations will be nightmares Vacations can be a great respite from TTC. It is always nice when you don't run across parents with kids they don't appreciate.

•You’ll lose your identity and become just “mom” or “dad” Raise your hand if you can't remember who you were before TTC. Raise both hands if you don't think you would recognize him or her.

On a personal note, I will concede there are trade off's. I don't get the sleep nor the freedom I used to have. There are times when I miss my old life - especially the life prior to trying to start a family. But I have to tell you, it is worth it. Drudgery? Not in the least. It has been a great adventure and I trust it will continue to be.

Going For A Walk

2009-07-27T10:07:00.000-07:00

A couple of nights ago I could not wait to get into bed. I don't remember what the original delay was, but it was 9:00 at night and I was dead tired. Then we realized we hadn't made the bed yet and the sheets were still damp in the dryer. Since we cosleep that meant there was no place to put the baby to bed either.

She seemed to be doing ok with it. Not time for bed? Then let's go for a walk! She steered (she still holds my hands when she walks . . . I walk behind her) me toward the door and pointed to my shoes. Never mind that she was still barefoot. Begrudgingly, I followed her lead - what else to do to keep her happy while we wait for the sheets to dry. We stepped out the door and into . . . a perfectly wonderful summer evening.

It was dusk and cool with a very light breeze. The moon was setting and looked large despite it being a 1/4 moon. I realized I should be enjoying this time together, not wishing it away. Happily, we walked down the street, LB leading the way the entire time. We walked over a man hole cover. "Hey, that was different!" I imagined her thinking as we turned around to walk over it again. One more time and we were ready to move on. Next, off to the neighbors house where there was a party going on. She was obviously moving to crash the party probably hoping for someone to smile or wave at her.

What the heck? We crashed the party. I knew the neighbors wouldn't mind. Did LB want to say hello? Perhaps that was her intention, but when she discovered the stairs on their deck, going up and down them was enough for her. We did that about 6 times while I chatted with the neighbor. Then off again . . . back out the gate and down the street.

At this point I decided to steer her home. She wasn't too happy about it until I cut through the neighbor's yard. Perhaps she didn't realize that meant we were still going home or maybe this little bit of new and different was enough of a distraction. She continued to enjoy the walk, happily talking to herself and occasionally veering this way and that. I continued to enjoy this perfect moment too. Mom and daughter going for a walk. It doesn't get any better.

Visit Lori for more Perfect Moments this Monday.

Still Pregnant

2009-07-20T14:19:00.001-07:00

Just a quick update to say that we had our u/s and b/w today and everything is still on track. It is 6 weeks 1 day today and LB's Little Brother (LB's LB?) or LB Mark II or Dish Mate is still going strong and measuring right on time.

Happy Monday.

It's All Good

2009-07-16T08:57:00.000-07:00

Things are still going well on the pregnancy front. Brad and I have had some vacation time so I have been away from the computer. I apologize for the silence and for not keeping out with other's events.

We had b/w two days ago (skipped the u/s this week) and all appears to be well. I have been a bit nauseous and more fatigued than usual. At least, I think. I have gotten in the habit of nibbling all day to make up for sleep deprivation which tends to keep the sickies at bay and I am always tired anyway. Although there was the day I put LB in the car seat while I tried to nap in the car because I knew she couldn't get away. Hmmm . . . I wonder if my house is big enough for a playpen and if she would adjust to using one?

The really great thing about this pregnancy is that I have found I can be more excited about it working out in the end. I don't know I will have a baby, but I can hope in a way I couldn't (wouldn't) with LB. I know I can survive a loss. I know I can be ok with one child. Those thoughts have allowed me to take the greater emotional risk of planning for this to work.

I even made my OB appointment for 9 weeks 5 days. How's that for risky?

I haven't made my midwifery appointment yet, but she is a bit more flexible with her schedule and can fit me in more easily.

And, yes, the plan is a home birth. That would be a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) for those that are new to my blog. I am very hopeful we won't transport this time. Third times a charm, right?

Next big update it Monday at 6 weeks 1 day where we will, hopefully, see a h/b and a baby measuring on time.

Still in shock

2009-07-07T13:11:00.001-07:00

Still pregnant. I seriously cannot believe it. The beta today was 269 . . . up from 79. Crazy. Not to jinx things, but it just doesn't seem right to be this easy. I feel (and will look if this works out) positively fertile. I also feel guilty. There are those still trying so damn hard for number one and I waltz in and pull a BFP on a 10-15% chance of success.

Makes me wonder why I couldn't do that on one of the cycles with my eggs. Of course, that stats don't really matter, do they? It either works or it doesn't. You get a good embryo and it sticks or it doesn't.

Still. Just crazy. I keep looking an HPT with two pink lines just to convince myself that I am really currently pregnant.

I am hopeful and enjoying being more easily excited than the cycle with LB. I know I can survive a loss since we have her so I feel I can put myself out there a bit more.

Wow.

A Guest Blog

2009-07-05T11:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

Kami has been asking me to be a guest blogger for months and today seemed like the day to do it. Please allow me to introduce myself, I am Brad, the DH, the house boy, He who catches spiders and cleans up icky stuff...

As you may know, today is the day when Kami was to get blood drawn for the first beta. All of us were tired after a long night of firework watchin'. Kami got up and left before LB & I woke up. When I woke up, I wondered if she'd POAS (For you non acronym types, this means taking a home pregnancy test). My mind wandered from her being happy when she got home, to sadly resigned.

When she walked in, I immediately asked. To my great surprise -she hadn't POAS'd. But she was sadly resigned. She then proposed that we walk to our favorite neighborhood diner for breakfast. Never ones to pass up breakfast -LB & I leapt at the opportunity.

As we walked we talked about the coming news. Should we answer the phone when they call? Wouldn't it be great if it worked? Wouldn't it be nice if something went easy? There were lots of sad sighs...

Then the phone rang. I can only tell Kami's side but this is why I'm writing to you...

Clinic: Wah-wah-wah?

Kami: This is her.

Clinic: Wah-wah-wah.

Kami: Oh?

Clinic: Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah.

Kami: OH! MY! GOD!

Kami (Whispered to me): Good news.

Clinic: Wah-wah-wah.

Kami (To me): Seventy-nine.

Kami: Excuse my language but (Edited for our younger readers) BUCK ME!

Me: That's good, right?

Kami (To me): Yes.

Me: What'd we have with LB?

Kami: Normally we would expect around a hundred, is it different for an FET?

Clinic: Wah-wah-wah.

Kami: I am shocked...

Clinic: Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah. Wah-wah-wah?

Kami: Uh-huh. OK. Thanks. Bye.

So... There you have it (Or at least what I remember). We have passed the second milestone on our challenge for LB mk II, LB's LB or whatever we decide to call this one!! Hopefully it will stick around!!

A strange kind of limbo

2009-07-04T10:53:00.001-07:00

This is new for me. I don't ever remember in our 40 or so cycles (from trying on our own through IUI and IVF) ever wanting to not POAS. Occasionally I get the urge, but then I realize I don't really want to know any more than I already to that it will be a bust this cycle.

I tested with FMU at 11 dpo. That was Thursday and it was a BFN. I think it is likely, although not certain, if this cycle was going to work we would have had a positive then. My gut feeling is also telling me that there is not a chance I am pregnant. I am as certain I am not pregnant this time as I was certain I was pregnant after with our third IVF. Of course, I was wrong then.

It is that tiny bit of hope that is keeping away from the HPT's. It is nice to still have a little bit of hope. If it weren't for the PIO shots, I wouldn't even go in for the beta tomorrow. I would just wait until AF showed. That is another luxury not allowed the infertile.

I am bummed, but not terribly so. As I keep saying, we have a delightful child we get to raise. I don't feel the desperation I felt before LB. Still, it would have been nice to get pregnant easily for a change. It would have been nice to not be contemplating adding another $25,000 or so to our debt which, besides the house, is the remaining debt from our first 5 IVF cycles.

Oh, that sounds so "poor me". It isn't meant to. We can still choose to call it good and not try for a sibling. We had some fun dreaming and shopping for a larger house if this cycle had worked. It was nice to be PUPO for a bit. Besides, it's summer.

Emphasis added by DH.

It is Tuesday

2009-06-30T12:36:00.000-07:00

Alternate title: I bet you've never read a post like this before.

Today is Tuesday. As in just Tuesday. It isn't XDPO (days post ovulation) or even XDP5DT (days post 5 day transfer). It is just Tuesday.

At least I keep telling myself that. This is my easy cycle. The one where I don't get my hopes up.

I am getting my hopes up.

I'm trying my best to enjoy the possibility without getting too invested, but I'm not sure I haven't crossed the line. It's kind of like buying a lottery ticket. You don't really expect to win, but it can be fun to dream about what you would do with the million dollars if you did. Of course, at $1.00, the lottery is pretty cheap entertainment for a few days.

It is just Tuesday. I couldn't even tell you how many days post transfer I am (4) or how many days until the beta (5). It is just Tuesday.

I will admit to hearing the siren song of the HPT - the draw to test only to be crashed against the rocks of a single pink line. I thought I would be spared it this time around, maybe only testing the morning of the beta so I will be prepared for the BFN. Sadly, I hear them calling me already. Today, in a moment of insanity, I tore apart the bathroom cupboards looking for the two left over home pregnancy tests I swear I have. I would ask Brad if (where) he hid them, but I don't want to admit I have been so tempted.

I found the ones we used when LB was conceived. Our first positive was 11 DPO. It was a very light line so it would be overly optimistic to test before then ~~which would be the day after tomorrow~~ whenever that would be.

It's all good. Really, it is. If this doesn't work, we get to try again with my eggs in September. Belinda is excited to get to donate again too. We still have one more (and much better) chance at a sibling. But still, it would be really nice if it worked this time around.

Evenings on the mat

2009-06-29T11:15:00.000-07:00

When I was in The Gambia as a Peace Corp Volunteer, one of my favorite times of the day was just after sunset. Since we were near the equator, that meant by 7:30 there would only be moonlight (if it was up), starlight and the small lights from cook fires. Since there was no electricity, there isn't a whole lot to do except hang out and wait to get sleepy. By the time the sun was down, there would be a large mat spread out in the middle of the compound and here the family would gather until it was time to go to bed.

As an outsider and not very good at the language, this was such a peaceful time for me. My family didn't try to get me to communicate as others often did (because they wanted something). I would sit or lie down, watch the stars come out and let the conversations wash over me. Often I understood enough to recognize the stories being told. They were of things that had happened in the village that day. Just small talk, but I felt more connected and part of the family during this time. It was one of the things I wanted to recreate when I returned to the States. Not surprisingly, this little ritual didn't fit into to our fast paced culture.

Until now, that is. It was even Brad's idea and I didn't realize it had become our nightly ritual - that he had created this nightly ritual - for many days. I have been going to bed early with LB since she was born. Most of the time I haven't minded because I am usually pretty exhausted by then, but sometimes I wanted to stay up if only to have more time with Brad. Sometimes I felt cheated that Brad seemed to have more time to himself while I had the role of putting LB to bed.

Now Brad comes to bed with us. We chat while LB nurses or, if she is a bit more awake, crawls around on the bed between us. Sometimes we listen to a podcast of This American Life or Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. It is a great time to reconnect and talk about our day. When I used to get frustrated when LB wouldn't sleep, now we enjoy her antics together. It is a happy, peaceful way to close the day.

The realization that we have been having all of these perfect moments is my perfect moment for this Monday.

For other Perfect Moment Monday posts, please visit Weebles Webblog.

Waiting for the call

2009-06-26T07:33:00.000-07:00

Today is transfer day if LB's 'dish-mate' survives the thaw. I should know in less than 30 minutes. Once again my thoughts turn to those ladies and couples still trying to have even one live baby to parent as I remember how much harder this wait was before LB.

The call came in after 40 minutes . . . why do they make us wait?

The news:

We have a live embryo! Transfer at 10!

Open egg donation

2009-06-24T18:11:00.000-07:00

Today I was telling some coworkers of Brad's (my ex-coworkers) about LB's high energy levels. While I am sure that is typical of any 1 year old, I joked that if she ends up being like our donor (who is always Go! Go! Go!); I will be in trouble.

I instantly regretted it. It didn't seem right somehow. I'm not sure it is clear in my head why. I felt like I was airing our dirty laundry. Or maybe it was because I wasn't sure how LB would feel if she was capable of understanding. Would such casual comments be hurtful or be rubbing her nose in her atypical conception? Should we ignore or minimize our donor's involvement, at least in public? Would it be more appropriate to use our donor's name as in, "Lord help us if she has Belinda's energy!"

If Belinda was LB's aunt or grandmother it would be perfectly acceptable. In fact, it would be common. "Oh, she has your eyes!" "She loves the outdoors just like her cousins." "I love that she has her father's temperament." Yes, I acknowledge that she might take after me in some things, but she will also very likely express behaviors, beliefs, interests and talents that are more like Belinda than either Brad or me.

What do we do when we notice it? It doesn't seem right to ignore it (at least all the time) just because we suspect it came from Belinda. If we would say, "You have Daddy's talent!" why can't we say, "You are a runner just like your donor!"?

One of the more recent This American Life shows (Go Ask Your Dad) is about a guy who's genetic father was his uncle. The information was kept secret from him until well after his parents died. All his life he felt that he didn't fit in with his family. Even a brother acknowledged that he didn't fit in. He did not have the calm, controlled personality of his dad or brothers, but rather the more 'emotional' or lively personality of his uncle - someone he was always being reminded to not act like. There is obviously more to the story, but one of the things this person would have liked to have said to his dad (had he known) as a kid was, "Don't be afraid of the differences."

I don't want to be afraid of the differences or pretend something is not there when it is. I also don't want LB's conception to be a big deal. Would it help to make Belinda more a part of LB's early experience? She would grow up knowing Belinda as her genetic contributor instead of the unknown donor who becomes Belinda at a later age. I wonder how to find the balance.

What are your thoughts?

Encouragement needed - Updated

2009-06-24T10:36:00.000-07:00

We are getting together with LB's donor this evening. We haven't seen her in about 9 months and LB is much less generic these days. I'm nervous that they will look or act too much alike and I will feel threatened by it.

I don't know how much "too much" is.

I know Belinda will do her best to make me feel at ease.

I know it will be easier than I think.

I am convinced it is important to have a relationship with her.

I'm still scared.

Updated: Thank you everyone for your supportive comments. I found as the time drew nearer I grew more calm. Perhaps resigned to my fate. I took LB in a bike trailer and biked to the nearby park, stopping on the way at the local farmer's market. We sat on the grass and listened to a bluegrass band while LB nibbled on a piece of bread sampled at the market. It was such a nice mother-daughter moment that it set me up nicely for our meeting.

And . . . .

It went beautifully! It took me a few minutes to get comfortable, but then we were like old friends. I had forgotten how interesting Belinda is in her own right. I didn't feel threatened even when I confirmed that LB's lip biting that just started this morning is indeed a trait from Belinda. I was happily the mother of a beautiful girl and Belinda was the women who helped me have her.

As for why I think it is important to maintain a relationship with Belinda . . . beside the obvious need (if this FET doesn't work) for her eggs again, I want LB to be able to have access to her genetic background. I don't know if it will be important to her or not, but I want the option open. Today I was also reminded that I just plain like her.

One

2009-06-23T18:40:00.000-07:00

We have passed another Summer Solstice. Ahh . . . I love summer. Most importantly, we got to mark the longest day of the year by celebrating LB's first birthday. I think the highlight of the day was turning her carseat around so she can face forward. She is much happier this way. In fact, she has made it clear twice now that she wanted to go for a drive.

She has become quite the communicator with very few words. In fact, mostly she points and grunts. In this case: crawl over to my shoes, point and grunt; I put them on and it is arms in the air so I pick her up; point at the door and grunt (we walk out the door); point to the right and grunt (we walk to the right); point at the car and grunts (I put her in the car).

I have indulged her both times because 1) I love that she is telling me what she wants and 2) sometimes I need a break from trying to keep up with her. This way she is strapped in!

We had a little birthday party for her with cupcakes decorated to look like butterflies and put her in her butterfly dress. I would post pictures, but I know from experience that it will be at least another week, if not two, before we unload the camera. In lieu of that, we stole this idea for the cupcakes and below is her birthday announcement.

Please forgive the silly limerick. I would like to say it was much better before I had to slaughter the form to get it to fit into the 30 character per line limit, but it was only slightly better. I guess the good thing about being a parent in my very late (very late) 30's as opposed to my 20's is that I no longer believe I have to be good at something to enjoy doing it.

It is all about me

2009-06-17T20:16:00.000-07:00

I have very much enjoyed the conversation surrounding egg vs sperm donation on the previous post. In fact, I have softened my view because of it. Maybe it doesn't make sense that we call it a donation when it there is money beyond cost reimbursement involved. Maybe it isn't exactly equitable between the sexes (I think at the very least both sexes should get counseling or neither should), but maybe that is just the best we can do. As long as all parties come to the exchange willingly, who cares that we need to soften the image with words like "donation"? It is working pretty well in this country.

I will say that I hope the time comes when it will be possible to easily have access to a donor once the child reaches 18 - at least for those donors who are willing to sign up for that at the time of donation. In my dreams I would also like to see women encouraged to donate for smaller fees. It isn't even about the cost to me (what's another $4,000 on top of$25,000?), it is because I feel uncomfortable about buying someones eggs and feel less uncomfortable about accepting someone's gift of her eggs. Maybe that's just me.

Speaking of me . . . let's talk about me some more.

Tell me why I feel like I might be doing a disservice to myself and Brad by not getting more emotionally / mentally involved in this cycle? Put another way, I have intentionally not made a big deal about this cycle. I don't expect it to work. The time when I ~~expect~~ hope it will work is September with a fresh cycle. Why do I feel like I may be bringing on a BFN by not being more hopeful or at least more open to a BFP?

The truth is I don't want to make it happen. I don't want to try that hard. I want to leave it up to my RE and be pleasantly surprised if it works. I tried the control freak route and it ate me up when it failed. Perhaps there is a happy medium between denial and "I need to make it work!", but I don't want to even try and find it. I don't want to visit the mental space I would need to in order to find that line.

And why should I? One statistic I came across estimated that 50% of the pregnancy in the US are unplanned. I would guess that is thousands of people who don't want to get pregnant who are getting pregnant nonetheless.

Are the rules really different for me? For any of us dealing with infertility? Do we really need to try anything and everything that might tip the scales in our favor by even the smallest amount?

I guess I am looking for permission to continue to not think about it too much and, by extension, not to feel guilty if it fails.

Why the difference?

2009-06-16T08:00:00.000-07:00

Continuing the conversation about egg donors (started awhile back) and, specifically, why we treat and compensate egg donors so much differently than sperm donors.

Consider the following differences:

Men are paid (in my town anyway) $50.00 a shot (no pun intended) compared to women who are paid $4000.
Men don't get paid if their sample is unusable. Women do.
Men would need to donate every 4-5 days for a year to make as much as a woman and that is assuming his samples are always good. Want to have sex? He'd better time it just right or there goes his $50.00
Yes, a woman goes through considerably more pain, but she is also done in less than 2 weeks (not including the prep time, but men have some prep time too)
Female donors are required to see a counselor before donating to make sure they have really thought things through. Males are not.
A recipient is required to get counseling before proceeding with using donor eggs, but not before using donor sperm.
According to this dissertation, women are expected to be more altruistic than men in their motivation
Recipients of eggs, but not sperm, are encouraged (or flat out told) to give the donor a gift on top of that donor's fees.
It was my donor's personal experience that people did not approve of her donating her eggs and compared it to giving away her children. I don't have similar knowledge about men, but one of Brad's acquaintances donated sperm and Brad thought he was doing it because he thought his genes would better the species.

I have some thoughts on why we treat sperm donors and egg donors so differently, but I would love to hear your thoughts. Why the difference? Do you think it is fair? Is it really market driven or is there something else going on? Any other thoughts? For those of you in the market for both sperm and egg donors, what has been your experience?

Avenues to healing

2009-06-11T15:34:00.000-07:00

What do you to when you are so sleep deprived that you can barely function at work? You use the time you should be working (and have a babysitter) to blog, of course.

As a quick update, I am moving right along for the DE FET cycle. I am CD6 by my count and my first cycle b/w and u/s are tomorrow. In between the appointments, I feel very good about this cycle. I feel like it is buying a $5,000 lottery ticket with a 10% chance of winning. It is fun to dream and hope that we will hit it big, but I think that if it doesn't work I will just shrug my shoulders and move on to the fresh cycle in September. No stress.

Except when I have an appointment. Then I feel much anxiety. The familiar drive, the waiting room . . . just typing this is making my blood pressure go up. I go there with a lot of baggage. It isn't unusual for me to cry on the way to the clinic. I relive so much sadness.

It isn't all bad though. In the process of reliving our failed cycles, of our time of living childfree wondering if we would ever get to be parents, I may be healing some of those wounds. I can feel how bad it felt and then remind myself that I am not in that emotional space anymore. I can drive to the clinic aching to hold our Someday Baby and then come home and hold her. When I come home . . . I have no words to explain how good it feels to wrap LB up in a hug. It is like I am the person I was pre-LB; but have this reassurance that all will be well. Maybe it is like Summer's letter to her past self. I am finding that old, hurt, scared part of myself and telling her, "It's ok. You will have a baby and she will be the most amazing, wonderful, beautiful baby in the world. Trust me. Be patient. Move on to DE. Hold on. It will be ok."

I couldn't have that then - this future self comforting my past self, but I can pretend now. I am, in a way, rewriting my past to make it less stressful, less filled with grief. Not that I want to forget either, I just don't want to carry it around with me so much anymore. I am hoping that even if this cycle fails, it will be worth the $5,000.

Ha . . . not to diminish what I just said, but $5,000 can buy a lot of time with a therapist. I suppose it is good to take advantage of the opportunities that present themselves.

New twist to an old habit

2009-06-11T12:13:00.000-07:00

Our evening walks have gotten a bit more interesting, if a lot slower. I think LB really enjoyed being able to control where she went (sort of), stopping occasionally to point out birds or airplanes or wave to a passerby.

I hope it is ok to post these here and there. I don't want this to be just another mommy blog and I want people reading from a place of trying to conceive to feel comfortable here. I also want to show that life is good on the other side and that using donor eggs is a very small part of the equation. As I have said before . . . these are good times.

Still bitter

2009-06-10T12:01:00.000-07:00

Why give up on something I am good at? Is it just me or are these reserved parking spaces really annoying. I wouldn't use one if it was the last space for miles. Which it was that day. Ok, maybe not quite miles.

Maybe not the most uplifting post for my two year blogoversary, but perhaps appropriate and since I am a single mom this week (Brad is in England and Ireland for work), it's all I have time for.

Gratuitous pic

2009-06-05T12:56:00.000-07:00

At the cafe this morning. It's hard to drink my tea when she keeps stealing the straws.

We are still lucky!

2009-06-05T11:54:00.000-07:00

Our luck continues to hold. The best kind of two week wait: it only lasts one week and you get the results you want - in this case a BFN. That is, my skin biopsy was negative for abnormal cells or no cutaneous t-cell lymphoma. We still treat the parapsoriasis because leaving it untreated would increase the risk that it could become cancerous. We either use topical steroid or narrow band UVB. We will decide on a plan of action next week.

In other "we are lucky" news, a fun little tidbit on the LB front. Weeks after learning her first sign (for cat), she finally started using another one. It is the sign for "more" which we also use for "again". It is SO cute, if I dare say so myself.

The only problem is that she clearly is not using it to mean "more" or "again". She seems to mean, "If I do this silly hand movement, then will you pick me up and take me where I tell you?" I guess it is nicer than hearing "Puleeeeease?" or other forms of begging.

Now, should I encourage her to use the sign by picking her up and playing with her (or following her point and grunt that means, "take me there") or should I ignore it unless it is used to indicate more of what we are already doing?

In FET news, I have taken my last BCP and am waiting for CD1. Not sure what is next because I'm not sure if we are going to do a natural or synthetic cycle. I have never been so relaxed about a cycle. It really seems to be about the journey and not the destination since I don't expect it to work, but it would be really cool if it did. Let's hope it stays easy.

Welcome, little one

2009-06-04T13:23:00.001-07:00

Luna has welcomed home her daughter. She was born to K on June first just as the sun came up. If you want to see a magical open domestic adoption unfold, you might want to keep an eye on this blog.

Congratulations Luna!

Perfect Moment Monday

2009-06-01T12:48:00.001-07:00

It was a warm, but breezy day. We were at a BBQ with friends and LB didn't want to take a nap even though she missed her morning one. I have almost no luck getting her to go to sleep unless she is either nursing or going for a drive. I was having no luck nursing - she kept pulling off to socialize, leaving me a bit exposed.

Finally, daddy took her off to the side. They sat on a chaise lounge, with LB facing Brad and either sitting up or occasionally lying back against his bent legs. Later, Brad said that she would look around, close her eyes, sit up, look around, lie back, close her eyes, etc. until eventually she fell into a deep sleep. Daddy even got to dose off a little.

Me? I got to have some adult conversation and occasionally look in on my two sleeping beauties. Even now I can feel my heart warming at the thought. I know how incredibly lucky I am to have such perfect moments. My thoughts are always with those TTC #1.

For more perfect moments, visit Lori over at Weebles Webblog

Will our good luck hold?

2009-05-28T15:46:00.000-07:00

Last night after we settled on our TTC #2 plan, Brad said he was concerned about me. "Why?" I asked. "Because," he said, "you won't have anything to worry about."

I jokingly told him that I would think of something. Today, after having an odd, local rash for several months, I finally went to the dermatologist. It was asymptomatic so I wasn't really in a hurry to get it checked out. When the dermatologist suggested a biopsy and said it might be parapsoriasis I wasn't worried. I knew it was nothing, but I was tired of it hanging around and not going away as expected.

Then I got home and googled parapsoriasis. Now, I don't know if I have parapsoriasis. The dermatologist doesn't think the labs will be back for two weeks, when we should know more. But if it is parapsoriasis, it could be early stage (or lead to) cutaneous T-cell lymphoma which can't be good. It could also be one of those things that just goes away on it's own.

Damn Dr. Google and damn the two week wait.

After a quick break to take a call from the dermatologist I saw today (chosen at random and I really like her, thank goodness), I have some more information. The most important being that it is more likely than not to not be malignant and either way it is possible to treat it (in most cases) and continue with our plans for a sibling. If it is malignant, it is likely very treatable with no loss in life expectancy.

Years ago, I don't think this would have freaked me out so much. Years ago, I didn't really believe (even though I knew) that people died or that plans get horribly derailed. I am particularly possessive of our TTC plans as those dealing with infertility will likely understand and appreciate.

I have also been feeling very lucky lately. Our lives have completely turned around for the better since LB was born. It is hard not to be possessive of that and be extra vigilant toward anything that may threaten our good fortune.

I guess the good news is that I have enough information to keep me feeling positive and I have gotten pretty good at the two week wait. Additionally, as I type this, LB is just outside the back door banging the dog's water bowl on the deck. It is a delightful sound and I am looking forward to scooping her up and seeing how much water she has gotten on herself.

Now, if our good luck will only hold.

Edited to add that my FSH results came back within normal range (8.2 for those who like details). The good luck is holding so far.

We have a plan!

2009-05-27T17:21:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with my RE and we have made a plan. It is right, it will work and no one will have to get nailed to anything!*

We will do the FET as planned in June. We have one frozen embryo with about a 70% chance it will survive the thaw and a 30% chance I will get pregnant if it makes it to transfer. I will not cycle with my own eggs - this cycle.

If this FET cycle works and we get a real live baby out of it, we will have the two kids I have always wanted and we can put TTC behind us forever. I won't get that one last one-last-chance with my eggs, but I will be as ok with that as I have ever been (I was going to say 100% ok, but it is probably closer to 95% - that's just my nature).

If this FET doesn't work, I will cycle with my eggs along with the donor (Belinda - the same one who helped us with LB) in September. Hopefully that one will work. If not, we move on to any frozen we might have from that cycle. If those fail to make a baby, we still put TTC behind us forever and be happy with our Little Butterfly.

I still haven't heard about my FSH levels so the plan may change soon, but for now it is decided and I can forget about it for awhile.

It's a good day. Thank you to every one who has ~~told me what I wanted to hear~~ supported me.

*A nod to Douglass Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy. Any fertility gods who just thought, "I will show her who has the right to make plans!"; relax, would ya?

Crazy talk

2009-05-27T11:29:00.000-07:00

Since my last post I have mentally composed several "I am going to cycle with my eggs" posts as well as "I'm not going to cycle with my eggs" posts. I am so bad at making these kinds of decision. Pathetic.

Here is where I am at right now. I want to do it. Even though it doesn't make sense. Even though it may not help in the long run in terms of closure. If I was reading my blog, I would be telling myself it let it go and move on.

So I pick up the phone to call my clinic to let them know. And then I put it down again realizing that I am too embarrassed to tell them. Of course they know I have been thinking about it, but until I commit, I can preted it was a moment of weakness. "Oh that?! That was just crazy talk. I never really want to cycle with my eggs at 41! Ha ha ha!"

Maybe that is why it has been so hard to decide. I am trying to talk myself out of what I want to do in favor of what I feel I should do.

Care to talk me out of it?

Yes, no and rarely maybe

2009-05-22T10:21:00.000-07:00

I am waiting for my CD3 blood work to come back. I haven't decided to cycle with my eggs, but I'm not ready to decide to not cycle either so the blood work needed to be done. I could be out of the running in a matter of hours if my FSH is high. I think that I will be ok with that. The worst sting is likely to be from an indicator of age more than being the reason I won't be trying again.

Just before the blood draw, I was taking LB out of her car seat (I showed up late to avoid anyone in the waiting room since I didn't have a sitter) and thought for the thousandth time how beautiful her eyes are. Can I brag about that since they aren't from me? Anyway, it made me think about her genes compared to my genes which led me down the path of all the illness in my family. Between my mom and dad we have cancer, heart disease and mental illness. I don't remember Belinda's profile but it was laughable in comparison - something like her dad had an ulcer. Yes, I am 90% decided, I will not cycle with my eggs. It isn't likely to produce a baby anyway and why take the chance of passing on mental illness? There. Done.

Two hours later I was waking up from a nap and made the opposite decision. Why not? If this had happened easily I wouldn't have considered not having my genetic child for those reasons. Why should I decide that now? I just want to and it might bring me some peace. Isn't that enough of a reason? Plus my RE has kindly offered to help minimize the cost. What is the harm? There. Done.

It occurred to me that I am thinking about our second child (if we are so lucky) and whether s/he will be more like Belinda or more like me. In reality, we will either have one child or the other. One unique set of genes will be brought together and that is the life that will be created and all the other potential lives won't be. Since I don't believe in a soul or some cosmic power bringing me the baby I am 'meant to have'; this is all there really is. There is an old cell from my husband combined with an old cell from me or Belinda and together, somehow, they create a brand new person with unblemished skin and a mind ready to discover the world. It's mind bending sometimes. Or maybe it is my lack of sleep talking.

Thanks for listening. There might be a lot of circular and repetitive posts over the next few days or weeks. Just nod and smile every once in a while and I will assume your still listening, but won't be offended if you aren't.

I will update this post when my FSH comes back.

Edited to add: Perhaps I am lying to myself. My phone just rang and it wasn't the RE's office, but I thought it was and my heart stopped beating and I thought, "Please don't tell me my FSH is elevated!" It may be an emotional ride even if I don't want it to be.

Update #2: No FSH results today. They didn't run them. I have never had that happen at my clinic through 5 ivf cycles. Seems very odd, but I didn't ask when because I didn't want to sound like I cared, even to myself.

A beautiful theory

2009-05-21T12:19:00.000-07:00

I have continued to enjoy the possibility of trying again with my eggs. Even though I haven't given it a lot of detailed thought, the idea has given me a bit of a lift. I figured, worst case scenario, that my milk would dry up and we wouldn't get pregnant. I think that it is a risk I am willing to take because LB doesn't need to nurse for nutritional reasons and maybe she will continue to nurse for comfort even if there is very little milk. Plus, I just can't believe that would happen to me. Of course, I didn't believe I would have trouble conceiving either.

This morning I asked Brad what his worst case scenario was. He was afraid it would work with my eggs but then we would have a messed up kid. I told him I would call my OB (aka Dr. Wonderful) and get his take.

Dr. W said the risk of abnormal chromosomes in someone my age is about 1 in 30 (excluding early miscarriages). That sounds high, but 97 normal chromosome babies out of 100 doesn't sound too risky. Then there is the fact that we made a normal chromosome baby who was still non compatible with life (which to me is preferable than raising a severely messed up kid - call me selfish).

The fact that ruined my beautiful theory was what Dr. Wonderful said next. If we are so lucky to have one embryo implant (15% for DE embryo . . . next to zero for one of mine), we won't know who's child it is. Obvious, but I had only considered the impact to that child . . . should we get DNA analysis - that sort of thing. Dr. W. added that we wouldn't know what kind of risks we were looking at during pregnancy. I thought I would assume that it was Belinda's, but now I wonder if I would worry more about the health of the baby thinking that it might be mine. Clouds form too easily over my head. I don't want to add reasons to worry.

Sigh. I really didn't want this to be a big deal. Now I find that this good reason to not try again with my eggs has got me in a bit of a funk*. Clearly then, my emotional side wants to try again, which I suppose is good to know, but I don't exactly trust my emotional side to be a good judge or have the proper motivation.

Today is CD1 so I need to decide soon . . . but not just yet.

*This is a post-LB funk which is nothing compared to a pre-LB funk. We had a wonderful 2 hour stroll along the river this morning. We stopped and played with the wildflowers and pointed out birds. I told myself I wouldn't depend on having a baby to make me happier, but I am.

Wise Women

2009-05-19T12:45:00.001-07:00

I am still entertaining thoughts about that one last one-last-chance with my eggs. I like the word "entertaining" because I am enjoying the possibility without thinking too much about the consequences. It is all potential right now. It is, in a way, entertaining.

The time is nearing when I will need to think about it more closely. I have been telling myself that I would just go with what felt good at the time - the path of least resistance, if you will. But as I have discussed it here and there with a few friends it has occurred to me that I really need to choose. Down both paths there is the potential for heart ache and I need to decide which path is the most likely to have the more positive outcome.

I have started with the premise that using my eggs will not produce a live baby. The question is, will it be more helpful for me to go through the process one more time or will it be more helpful to really, truly, once and for all, draw a line in the sand and move on. The fuzzy line is that going through the process one more time may help with the latter - or it may just bring up lots of negative feelings and, as one friend said, "add another layer of bricks to the wall."

Some other thoughts from my wise friends (not exact quotes, but they way I remember them):

I don't think you can do it and not make it a big deal. if it doesn't work you've got all that heartache again for nothing.

Maybe that is what makes you special - not being able to do this without really feeling it. Maybe it is worth it anyway.

I know my firstborn feels slighted just because the second one took all the attention away. Just imagine if she found out she was not biologically mine and the second one was.

Even if it works out just as you would hope and you have your genetic baby, it won't heal what you are trying to heal. What you really wanted was to have sex and get a baby easily. It won't change all the crap you went through.

If $8,000 will bring decades of peace, it is worth the money.

Thank you, ladies. Now I have to figure out if it will bring me more peace even if when it fails. I will think about that soon, but not before I have to. I am having too much fun with LB to want to be weighed down with heavy thoughts.

Speaking of, please allow me to share a happy story. Sunday we drove back from Seattle late in the day and, as I predicted, LB got pretty grumpy on the way home - her nap and eating schedule (such as it is) was all messed up. She was sitting in the back between my sister and her husband. After about an hour of mostly crying baby, we stopped at a rest area and had about 30 minutes of quality mommy-baby time. We went to put her back in her car seat between aunt and uncle and she started crying and twisting around to see me. So I switched with my sister and the remaining 2 hours she was quite pleasant although obviously very tired.

That is not the cool part of the story.

The cool part is when we got home about an hour after her bedtime. I was nursing her to sleep when Brad came in to the room and we had a brief, whispered discussion. LB pulled off of my breast, said "Da-da!" and looked around for him. He decided to lay down with us until LB fell asleep. Instead of going back to nursing, she sat up and crawled over to him and laid her head on his chest. She fussed a bit and tried laying on his leg. Still not quite right, she crawled back to his chest, laid her head down on him and fell asleep. There she stayed for the next 3 hours. I guess she needed some quality daddy time too.

Getting needled

2009-05-11T10:23:00.000-07:00

Before I tell you about my Perfect Moment for this Monday, I encourage you to pop over to Summer's blog and read the letter from her future self - the one we all wish we had from our future selves when we are wondering how it will all play out and if we will survive it.

I have to admit, I had a harder time with the actual holiday yesterday than Summer. I spent too many years hating it to turn around and embrace it so quickly. Brad likes to say (lovingly), "You're not bitter, your just consumed with hate." And so I am, at least at times. It was a very strange day to be on the other side and feel like I had somehow moved into the enemy's camp and yet . . . it is where I want to be. Toward the end of the day I decided to let Brad wish me a happy M's day because the wanting to feel happy because I am a mom while wanting to still hate the holiday was making me grumpy. It was good. And then we went to see Star Trek and that was really good.

Now for my perfect moment.

I got needled on Saturday. That is, I had an acupuncture treatment from the coolest acupuncturist around. Shannon practices a tradition of acupuncture that believes the needles don't need to hurt to be effective. She is also soft spoken and always has comforting words and interesting stories. She was a major support person for Brad and I while we were going through IVF and this is the first time I have been back since LB has gotten old enough to be away from me for an hour and half (the first time she was only weeks old).

It was wonderful! Nearly two hours of peace and 'me' time. The needles worked their magic and I felt muscles relaxing that I didn't even know where tense. Once again, I felt the overlay of the me before LB and the me after. The contrast is startling sometimes. I drifted in and out of sleep and saw/felt how perfect my body is just the way it is. I don't know what she does, but it is often transforming in spirit as well as in body.

I wanted to clean this post up a bit once my sitter got here, but she called in sick. And I missed two poops this morning - the first in months. I was so surprised the first time that I spent 5 minutes walking around the house looking for something that had apparently died and rotted only to discovered that the offending odor was on riding on my hip all along. The second time (because she wouldn't possibly do again!) only took me a couple of minutes to figure out. She seems to feel ok so I am currently assuming this is a new, hopefully short lived, phase in the EC journey.

There were some wonderful comments on my last post that I hope to follow up on - stay tuned.

In the meantime, happy Monday.

Con-fused

2009-05-08T09:52:00.000-07:00

Note: Although this is a fairly heavy topic, it was my intent to keep the tone fairly light-hearted to match my thoughts. We will either do it or we won't. It will either work or it won't and then we will (or won't) move on to a fresh DE cycle in the fall.

I am con-fused. That is I have fused two conflicting ideas, not confused in the more common sense of the word. Long term readers of my blog know that I have often expressed doubt that I pursued our mutually genetic baby long enough. A five minute search of my blog and I found six posts (here, here, here, here, here and most recently here). I know I must mention it a dozen more times. It is seriously pathetic.

Now I am contemplating one last "one last chance" with my eggs when I said I wouldn't. Here is the con-fusing part: When I imagined going down that path, transferring all my embryos and the DE embryo, I imagined having one healthy baby growing. In the next split second of space where it is pure "gut feeling" and no logic I felt, "I hope it is LB's full sibling that makes it."

Yes, I want to try again with my eggs, I want one to implant and make a baby, and I want it to be the DE embryo.

Confused?

Upon closer introspection I think it plays out something like this:

I want to prove to myself and the world that I am not broken and I can reproduce
I want to continue in the cells of the human race
I want to see myself in another and, ideally, a fusing of 'the love of my life' and myself in another
I am hoping it will help me let go of some of my lingering doubts

And

I want to give LB a fully genetic sibling. I grew up with three sisters very much like me in appearance and personality which I would like to recreate that for LB.
It could potentially cause complications if we had one mutually genetic kid and one DE kid
The more I see of LB's personality and the more we interact, the more I see her as being made up of her genes, not the sum of others genes.
Most importantly: LB is a healthy, happy, amazing and remarkable kid whom I completely adore. Why wouldn't I want another one ~~just like~~ very similar to her?

I will admit, I am also a bit confused because I don't know trying again with my eggs will accomplish what I think it will even if it fails. Maybe it seems like a good idea because the potential is all in front of me. Maybe I am evolving anyway and a trying again would be superfluous.

It's funny, but before I embarked on our DE journey, I asked some DE moms about what they thought about walking away from the possibility of their genetic offspring. Some said that they still haven't given up and were planning or thinking about cycling again with their eggs. I thought it showed weakness of character. Maybe it does.

This and that

2009-05-07T12:45:00.000-07:00

Some quick thoughts and updates, bullet style:

We have paid for our FET cycle. Just over $6,000 for precycle physical, storage fees and the actual cycle. We will be transferring (if the embryo survives the thaw at a 60% chance) toward the end of June. Here we go!
The last two nights are showing some progress in weening LB from nursing in the middle of the night. She is still crying some but not trying as hard to nurse. I don't know whether to be happy about that or sad that she has given up on me so easily.
Miss Leah took some pictures of LB. She is experimenting with photoshop and LB's eyes aren't quite realistic in some of them, but I still love the pics. Peruse her blog and you will see the adorable Miss Maya. Thanks Leah!
I am entertaining the idea of cycling with my own eggs in June and then adding in the frozen DE embryo. If it were free, I would have no hesitation. It isn't likely to work, but would be nice to try. It would cost about $6000 more than the FET and the cost of the drugs. I am hoping I know enough people to get some or all of the drugs for low / no cost.
Does anyone have a copy of Medications and Mother's Milk? If so, could you let me know what it says about FSH and generelix?
This is why I don't trust that vaccinations are the best choice for my precious snowflake. “Relationships between physicians, researchers and drug companies are ubiquitous in every aspect of medical education, medical research and patient care,” Campbell says. It’s hard to find other fields "in which relationships with [industry] are so pervasive.”
How's the weather where you live? It has been many, many days since we got some sun and temperatures over the upper 50's.

That's all for now. I should at least be looking productive at work.

Closing the all night bar

2009-05-05T14:40:00.000-07:00

About a week ago it occurred to me that LB has no skills for putting herself to sleep. She either nurses to sleep or is rocked to sleep (in a car, stroller or in a sling). Given my sleep deprived status I decided that it was the night time nursing-to-sleep that was going to go first. We have made some progress with the No Cry Sleep Solution book, but I was ready to speed things up a bit.

That night I took her to bed with me and nursed her for just a short time to get her relaxed a bit. When I thought she would fall asleep soon, I disengaged her. She started rooting and fussing right away and as it escalated, I rolled over so my back was to her thinking that hiding "the girls" would be a more gentle approach. I was so tired that I had more resolve than I had in the past to stick to my plan. Brad comforted her as she cried.

Suddenly it occurred to me what this really meant: She would no longer need me to nurse her to sleep. It won't be long before she would no longer need me to nurse her at all! Then I started crying. I tried to be strong, but I no longer had any desire to end this part our time together. Soon, I caved and let her nurse. She was instantly much happier, but I continued to cry and cry and cry.* Brad reminded me she would grow up whether I liked it or not and I could help or hinder her progress. How unfair that I could long for something for six years and then to get it, but have it end all too soon.** My midwife's words reverberated in my head, "Having a child is a series of letting go." That's all well and good in theory.

I decided to give myself a few days to get used to the idea. Eventually, I had the courage to try again with some modifications. We decided I would nurse her to sleep initially, but would not nurse during the night. Predictably, three hours after she fell asleep she was rooting around and getting more and more upset that I wasn't responding. On the verge of giving in, I left the room to ~~sleep~~ lie awake on the couch. Oh, the sounds she made - successfully communicating utter betrayal, anger, despair. It was just awful.

On the plus side, I think it was a good bonding experience for Brad and LB. He stayed with her and did his best to comfort her without being overly stimulating - just a hand on her and occasionally saying soft, comforting words. Later he told me that LB kept contact with him the entire time.

After what felt like hours, but was only 30 minutes, she fell asleep and I crept back into bed. For the next 30 minutes she hiccuped in her sleep recovering from her sobbing. She slept for the next four hours, physically exhausted from the emotional ordeal.

Warning: TMI coming up

The next night, last night, we made further modifications. When LB started to wake up after three hours, Brad was just coming to bed and I knew he would encourage me to stick to our guns. I willed her to hear my silent plea: "Oh please don't wake up! I don't want you to be sad again. Please don't wake up!" Of course, she did. I quickly scooped her up and nursed her for just a second and took her off thinking it would help and Brad wouldn't notice (his back was to us). *** It was so satisfying to both of us, but didn't help long term. I tried again and this time, quite by accident, as I took her off her hand found my other nip.ple. It was just enough to comfort her and keep her calm enough to fall asleep.

One and a half hours later, we repeated the process, going straight for the hand-holding instead of nursing - it worked quickly.

One and a half hours later, she wasn't going to fall for it again. She started making the you-don't-love-me-anymore wails so I let her nurse for about a minute (Oh, how we loved it!) before starting again with the "you can touch it, but you can't have it" trick. It worked.

I hope this new plan will work and work quickly because I don't think I can survive on any less sleep.

This has really been an eye opening experience for me. I always thought I would do the right thing - that LB's needs would sometimes trump mine - but I imagined things like missing the end of a movie because she wasn't behaving in the theater. I never imagined that I would be so sad simply because she is growing up. I have new appreciation for my mom being sad, for example, on the day I moved out. Unlike my mom, when that day comes (and others like it) I hope I hide my sadness, put a smile on my face and say, "Good for you! I am so proud of you!" And I will be, even if I am sad for myself.

Updated: Sky asks a good question and I am not surprised I wasn't very clear - I am, as I said, barely functioning. My ultimate goal is to 1) help LB learn to fall asleep on her own so she doesn't always need me for my sake and hers and 2) stop nursing at night so I can, hopefully, get more sleep.

*Overly dramatic perhaps, but I was sleep deprived and it was late - somewhere around 8:30!
** I know I am very lucky to get to nurse at all.
*** Not that Brad is alone in this decision, but I knew he would disapprove if I wimped out.

Perfect Moment Monday

2009-05-04T10:38:00.000-07:00

What better use for fresh maple syrup than to have a pancake feed? My relatives on my mom's side own a . . . ranch? tree farm? grove of maple trees? . . . anyway, the harvest came in and my mom bought some maple syrup for each of us. I decided to host the pancake feed at my house.

For better or worse (likely the former) only one sister and my mom could make it. Another sister popped in just to eat (we have been chanting "She comes. She eats. She leaves." to ourselves for years now). For the majority of our morning and into the afternoon, it was my sister, her husband, two kids, my mom, Brad, LB and me.

It was delightful. We had a great time cooking together and then moved into the early afternoon hanging out on the front porch while my mom tried out her new tricycle. I thought she would look goofy, but it actually looks pretty good and now that she is 73 with bad knees, she can't get on and off of a bike easily. I am thrilled for her for starting a new hobby. I hope she loves it.

What could top off such a peaceful, happy time? Well, the ice cream truck of course! LB participated for the first time although she wasn't really interested in eating her fudge pop (Brad and I were able to help out). My sister's kids (8 and 3) who are country kids thought it was the coolest thing since sliced bread and asked to come over every day.

It was truly a remarkable day. My family can't usually be in the same room for 20 minutes without some drama. To spend five hours together and enjoy the whole time was, well, perfect. The maple syrup was pretty good too.

For more Perfect Moments, check out Lori's blog

Who would have thought?

2009-04-27T11:39:00.000-07:00

Check out these t-shirts.

My favorite (of the ones I saw - there are pages of them!):

A poem on the back of this one:

Words

Desolate paper
Mocks her
She is weary of searching
for words
to fill the pages.

Sterile sheets litter her past
the barren parchment
an endless reminder
that words
have failed her.

She dreamed of books
copious phrases
pressed between it's pages.

Yet, her manuscript remains
unwritten.
She can't articulate
the eloquent expressions
that haunt her empty heart.

How could words
have forsaken her?

She is a bard
designed to compose sinuous
lexis.
A writer
destined to create
masterpieces.
But her pen is parched;
vacuous volumes fill her
folio.

The bitter taste of failure
frequents faltering
conceptions.
Parched leafs fall
mocked by fluent tomes
Her defeat
recorded in blood.

The only thing worse
than a poet without words
Is a mother without a child.

~Patricia Gibson-Williams

You went pee-pee in the potty! Updates in red

2009-04-26T17:34:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to write a post about my experiences with Natural Infant Hygiene AKA Elimination Communication (EC) for quite some time now and found I kept getting bogged down in the details. It turns out I'm not very good at writing technical manuals. For some basic information about EC'ing, I suggest you check out The Diaper Free Baby. Following I will just share some of my personal experiences.

First of all, I don't think EC'ing is much more time consuming than using a cloth diaper and changing the diaper when it gets soiled. Compared to leaving a disposable on until it can't hold anymore, it is more work. For me, I don't like the idea of using disposables and I really don't like the idea of LB hanging around with a toilet attached to her hiney.

I have never been very militant about practicing EC. If LB or her caregiver were not in the mood to concern themselves with using the potty, we didn't. I do ask that someone caring for her not leave her in a soiled diaper, so in a way it is pay now or pay later. You either put her on the potty before she pees or you change her diaper afterward. I am not opposed to using paper for those days when I have a caregiver who doesn't want to change a diaper or on a few occasions when I have been just worn out. We also use a paper diaper at night and while on the road since she is a very unhappy baby with a wet cloth diaper and I can't sleep without worrying if she is uncomfortable.

She is also not usually diaper free especially in the colder months. The neat thing about EC'ing is that I usually have a pretty good idea when she is "safe" to have naked and what's cuter than a baby in her birthday suit? Of course, I have been peed on a lot too.

The Beginning:

I thought it would be easier than it is. The women in The Gambia made it look easy and I didn't realize that very young babies pooped all the time. I only saw what was going on with potty training with older babies while I was in The Gambia. I have no idea what they did at night. I am sure they would have LOVED to have had diapers!

The funny thing is that when LB was about 2 months old I was wearing one of my wrap skirts from my Peace Corps days and was carrying LB around diaper free in order to try to get back in sync with her*. Soon, I missed her signal to me and she peed on me. I decided just to dry the skirt on the deck and put it back on later since I planned on continuing our diaper free day. As I tossed the skirt over the railing of our deck, I suddenly had the image in my mind of my host mother running into her house in one skirt, coming out in another and tossing the original over the fence. I never understood why until that moment. She had been peed on!

We caught LB's first pee and first poop less than an hour apart when she was six days old. It was so thrilling and for the first three months it was one of the most amazing ways we communicated. Sure, she made it clear when she was tired and when she was hungry, but letting me know that she had to potty . . . well, I just loved it. We caught probably around 25-50% of her eliminations in the early days. What I didn't realize when I first started, was that I would be using MORE diapers not less since I was changing her every time I missed an elimination. I am very glad I got a diaper service for those first few months as I was going through 80 diapers a week.

By two to three months we were doing quite well and we were catching around 50% of her eliminations and she was signaling pretty regularly. We used a Baby Bjorn Little Potty and I can think of few things cuter. I should post some of the hundreds of pictures of her using her potty from the time when it was still a bit to big for her until now when she has just about out grown it.

3-6 Months:

These days were a bit harder. I was working and not able to pay attention as much so I was missing her signals. She was probably also signaling less since she was now so much more aware of the rest of the world. She could grab toys for goodness sake, why would she want to think about going potty? We ended up going almost strickly by timing. We would potty her whenever she woke up from a nap (even young babies will often not pee in their sleep) and then about every 20 mintues in the morning and stretching that time out to maybe every hour or so at night. We still managed to catch about half her eliminations, but I really missed the feeling that we were communicating.

6-10 Months:

With the addition of solid foods, she became more regular and I started to notice that if we gave her a bit extra time in the mornings and evenings on her potty, she would use that time to "make a poopie". She would also need to take a bit extra time to get things going, if you understand me. If I caught her making "that face" I would scoop her up, put her on the potty and she would go. I remember that when she had her cast on at 6 months, we were rarely changing a poopie diaper and when we did, it was always just a little one.

She is now 10 months and we have changed one poopie diaper in the last 2-3 months. I remember it because I was trying to nap while Brad was watching her and I dreaming that we should put her on the potty. I suspect I was catching those pre-potty sounds even in my sleep.

I have to say that just not changing a poopie diaper alone makes it all worth while. Since sheis now trained to try to go in the mornings, she often won't try unless she is on the potty. When we took a plane trip last month, I was worried about having a poppie diaper on the plane since she didn't have time to 'relax' in the morning. Even though it was hours after her normal morning constitutional, she waited until we could set up her travel potty in the back of the rental car. A square of toilet paper and a trip to a garbage can was all the clean up it took.

I don't mean to rub it in, but when we were missing a poop here and there I thought that we always missed the worst ones, but I have since come to realize they are all that bad, they just aren't spread around inside a diaper. Honestly, sometimes I wonder why people don't practice EC.

The Future:

I suspect things will continue to change in how we practice (she now stands up when she doesn't feel like using the potty. I keep waiting for the time when she stands up only to pee on the floor), but I suspect we will still catch most of her eliminations. From what I hear, she won't likely be completely diaper free any earlier than around 18 to 24 months, but we are unlikely to go through the fight to get her to accept the potty that some parents do. Using the potty has always been normal for her so I think the transition will be a smooth one.

Random Thoughts:

I didn't care much for the split crotch pants or trainers. It isn't a matter of if she will wet her diaper or trainers, it is a matter of when. I use mostly prefolds and a cover and when one gets wet, I trade it out for a new one. When one of my split crotch pants got wet I would be all frustrated because now I would have to do laundry before I could use it again. The split crotch pants I had didn't open far enough on the Baby Bjorn Little Potty either.

If I were willing to spend the money and practiced EC very diligently, I would use exlusively (thin-ish) fitted diapers. These seem to be the most comfortable for LB, I can tell as soon as she wets and they are easy on / easy off.

I almost never worry about having a diaper bag with me anymore. I keep a couple of disposibles in the car or in her stroller in case she gets wet. I don't need wipes because I know that she won't go poop in her diaper. I potty her right before we leave and when we get where we are going. If I am going to be hanging out at someone else's house, I will bring her travel potty. Otherwise, I will just hold her by her thighs in front of me over a regular sized toilet.

Finally, it is never punitive. If she goes in her diaper I might say, "LB, we go in the potty." If I am feeling frustrated, I just change her after she wets. If I don't feel like the hassle, I will put her in a paper diaper. I feel kind of guilty about using any disposables and I know I won't win any records here, but we have only bought 3 Costco size packages of diapers. Each time I buy one, I swear it will be my last and I will go to cloth full time, but so far my intention has been better than my follow through.

This is an overly long post already so I will end it here. As always, feel free to ask questions.

Updated:

Sara asked:

Eggbert pooped at least 10 times/day from birth to age six months or so. Did LB do the same? It was a lot more than I had expected, and made me think that EC would have been a bit of a nightmare with her, since even if I caught half of those, the other half would comprise five big messy poops/day. How did you cope with that

We keep her in a diaper most of the time. If she is diaper free, it is almost always on my watch. I don't expect other people to deal with it and if I hand her to Brad sans diaper he says, "Can you put a diaper on her? That's the agreement." So, to answer your question, she has only pooped sans diaper a couple of times because I am usually pretty good at knowing if she has to go and when she was going all the time, I took less chances. I want to point out that Brad does practice EC with LB, he just doesn't do it without a diaper on her as back up.

Lorraine asked:

Does she have a signal now for when she has to go? Is that part of the process?

She used to signal when she was younger. By "signal" I mean exhibit a behavior I came to associate with the imminent need to eliminate. Now we just aren't as in sync mostly because she is so much more independent. If I am holding her naked, she is much more likely to make it obvious she has to go because she tries to wiggle out of my arms.

We signal her by making the sign for "toilet" although I say "potty" (a rocking letter T in ASL) and say "pssssssss". I am hoping she will start signing when she has to go. Because we often say "Yeah!!!" and clap when is done, she sometimes says this as she is going or right after she has gone.

*One of the best ways to learn what you baby does right before she eliminates is to carry her around naked (at least on the business end). When she eliminates will have noticed what she did just prior. On some days, I just keep missing them and so I will have her diaper free. I also think it gives her more awareness.

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