Thursday, May 15, 2008

Midwife appt # 7: 35 weeks and 6 days

This week's midwife appointment was last night and it went pretty well. I can't believe we are getting so close. Brad and I are both anxious - so close, but no guarantees. Even if it was a sure thing, I don't think either one of us could really believe it might work out. It is a dream we have had for so many years, how could it possibly come true now?

Nothing terribly exciting about the appointment itself. I got a little freaked out when Cathy wanted to time the heartbeat - she usually just goes by feel and I knew if she counted she thought it was a little low. Usually it is around 140, but it was only 120. She had me lay on my left side and patted the baby to wake him up and eventually got 144. Phew! She reassured both Brad and I that this was normal and no big deal. The baby could have been sleeping or it could have been the position I was in.

Cathy would hate to hear this, but I called Dr. Wonderful this morning to verify. The good thing about Cathy is she trusts the process. I think it is hard to give birth if you are terrified something might go wrong and I think that can be common in a medical environment. The good thing about Dr. Wonderful is that he lives in the "So many things go wrong!" mindset so if he thinks it is no big deal, we are doubly reassured.

I am starting to swell a bit from water retention and there are times when the baby's movements cause a bit of discomfort - either pushing on my ribs or kicking my pelvis. I don't mind. If I had my way, Little Butterfly would move non-stop and never sleep until after she is born (when she will promptly decide to sleep through the night!) I still love it every time he moves. It is extra special when Brad and I sit together and he can feel LB move too.

I am still a mess of emotions. I can go from happy to sad to anxious to happy to angry to peaceful and a many more in just a few minutes. I will suddenly feel like I am going to burst into tears only to have the feeling change before the tears come. It is very strange and I hope things will level out after the baby is born. I had one friend describe feeling like a veil had lifted after she gave birth. I hope that will be the case. I don't know if the mood swings are predictive of an increased of post-partum depression, but I am really hoping that we can avoid it.

Thank you, everyone, for your wonderful comments on my last post. I don't know what I would do without your support. I hope I struck a balance between expressing my fears and regrets without losing the part that I am also grateful and hopeful.

Someday I might have a post about our preparations and pictures of a nursery, but at this point we still aren't quite ready to start that process. I joke that we better not transfer to the hospital because we don't have a car seat to bring Little Butterfly home. We do have a room we painted in kid colors before our second IVF, almost 2 years ago now, but at the moment it is mostly a storage / sewing room. My midwife might be bringing the pool next week (we are planning a water birth) so perhaps we should get that room cleaned out - other than that it will be in the living room. Did I mention we have a cozy house?

Just to illustrate (again) my mood swings, here is a high and a low for today.

First the low:

I was reminded of when we learned that our third IVF was a complete bust - the only time we had a completely negative beta. I was so sure it would work, I didn't even take an HPT before the beta and even napped between the blood draw and the results. Because I had been upset about low, but positive betas in the past, the agreement was that Brad would get the results and not tell me what the beta was. If it was negative, he would come home from work (I had the day off) and give me the news in person. I didn't think this was a possibility so I didn't think about how cruel that was - to make him get the news and then drive all the way home thinking about how he would tell me. This is what I wrote in my journal:
We were so sure it would work that I wasn't even nervous. When Brad showed up at home, I was in shock. It was obvious Brad still was too. I will never forget the look on his face when he walked in the door. I was desperately hoping to see a look that said there was another reason he would be home so early. There wasn't. We held each other while I chanted "Oh God. Oh God. Oh God." In denial, we went to the store and bought an HPT. It was, of course, negative too.
That was a very difficult blow. I don't regret the great hope we had that entire cycle. It felt good to be that hopeful. I think it made the bad news much more difficult, at least at first.

A good moment:

Brad and I were sitting on the couch and I was feeling LB move around. It hit me that I was pregnant! I turned to Brad and said:

"Brad, I am pregnant . . . "
"Yes, you are" he replied with a smile that makes his eyes twinkle.
" . . . with our baby!"

That is the first time I have called LB "our" baby. And not just said it, but felt it. Nice.


Fertilized said...

Kami- I am still reading every post and cheering you along your way

stacyb said...

your dream is coming true!!! so excited for you Kami. Sounds like you and Brad had a wonderful moment -- well you, Brad and LB :-)

and by the way your support has meant more than you know to me. so thank you.

Summer said...

You are almost there! I'm so excited for you.

Geohde said...

Kami, you're so close now. Thinking of you,


B said...

Like the others say - we're cheering for you and no suprise anxiety levels are sky rocketing.

You need an excellent and very many seasoned TV drama to get you through the long hours of the next few weeks. Distraction, distraction, distraction. That's my motto for waiting times.

Us loss mums (and infertility) are really quite high risk for PND. I think it is primarily because we have such high expectations of ourselves. We are not allowed to complain, cry, loose it, not cope etc. because we have waited so long for this, and sacrificed so much.

It might be worth talking to your counsellor about this. I'm guessing the best way is to arm yourself for it and think of some strategies for coping with it now. Boring I know. But maybe practical. And although seemingly pessimistic it is actually quite optimistic in that you are preparing yourself for coping with the arrival of a healthy, screaming, demanding baby. God knows, it aint all going to be roses when your gorgeous LB comes screaming out of your womb.

love Barb

Jill said...

Barb has a really good point.... I definitely remember feeling like I couldn't complain about anything or feel unhappy about any part of this roller coaster....

But on a good note - I'm SO thrilled you're so close!!!

And FWIW, Ben's heartrate was always in the 120's. :)

Michell said...

Glad the appointment went well and wow, you really are getting close. I'm cheering you on too. I feel often like I don't know what to say but am still cheering you on.

Bee Cee said...

It sure is a rollercoaster isn't it? I am so glad that you are having moments of being really happy about LB. Lets hope he/she brings many many happy times to you.

Anonymous said...

Oh wow - brings tears to my eyes. I'm so happy for you!! I'll be thinking of you.....

Freyja said...

That's more than fine. It's fabulous. Absotively posolutely fabulous!

Freyja said...
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