Not The Same

The following was in my in box this morning. I think Amazon needs to refine their program to recognize that choosing child free and and being involuntary child free are two different things.

Dear Amazon.com Customer,

As someone who has purchased or rated Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility by Janet Jaffe, you might like to know that No Kids: 40 Good Reasons Not to Have Children will be released on August 4, 2009. You can pre-order yours at a savings of $3.43 by following the link below.

	No Kids: 40 Good Reasons Not to Have Children Corinne Maier List Price: $12.95 Price: $9.52 You Save: $3.43 (26%) Release Date: August 4, 2009

Review
“A combination of tart sisterly advice with shock-tactic social analysis.”
— Globe and Mail

“Maier seems to have that uncanny ability to put her finger exactly on what people are thinking, at the right time and in the right place. Right now, it’s motherhood.”
— The Telegraph

More to Explore

Childfree and Loving It! Nicki Defago

Of course, I had to check out the book and found the author has 2 kids! She, apparently, discovered that she really didn't want kids after all. Perhaps if she had 6 years to think about it and to wonder if she would ever have kids, she would appreciate what she has. At the very least, appreciate that the desire for kids goes beyond logical reasoning.

I get that this is supposed to be a book of humor, but I couldn't help but compare some of the reasons listed in a review with the infertility experience:

•You will lose touch with your friends Yes.

•Your sex life will be over Ditto.

•Children cost a fortune Yep! AND you spend it in a very short period of time. With a little luck you will GET to spend a fortune on a child or two.

•Child-rearing is endless drudgery I guess one could argue TTC isn't endless drudgery . . . that is if you are lucky enough to find a way to become a parent.

•Vacations will be nightmares Vacations can be a great respite from TTC. It is always nice when you don't run across parents with kids they don't appreciate.

•You’ll lose your identity and become just “mom” or “dad” Raise your hand if you can't remember who you were before TTC. Raise both hands if you don't think you would recognize him or her.

On a personal note, I will concede there are trade off's. I don't get the sleep nor the freedom I used to have. There are times when I miss my old life - especially the life prior to trying to start a family. But I have to tell you, it is worth it. Drudgery? Not in the least. It has been a great adventure and I trust it will continue to be.

Going For A Walk

A couple of nights ago I could not wait to get into bed. I don't remember what the original delay was, but it was 9:00 at night and I was dead tired. Then we realized we hadn't made the bed yet and the sheets were still damp in the dryer. Since we cosleep that meant there was no place to put the baby to bed either.

She seemed to be doing ok with it. Not time for bed? Then let's go for a walk! She steered (she still holds my hands when she walks . . . I walk behind her) me toward the door and pointed to my shoes. Never mind that she was still barefoot. Begrudgingly, I followed her lead - what else to do to keep her happy while we wait for the sheets to dry. We stepped out the door and into . . . a perfectly wonderful summer evening.

It was dusk and cool with a very light breeze. The moon was setting and looked large despite it being a 1/4 moon. I realized I should be enjoying this time together, not wishing it away. Happily, we walked down the street, LB leading the way the entire time. We walked over a man hole cover. "Hey, that was different!" I imagined her thinking as we turned around to walk over it again. One more time and we were ready to move on. Next, off to the neighbors house where there was a party going on. She was obviously moving to crash the party probably hoping for someone to smile or wave at her.

What the heck? We crashed the party. I knew the neighbors wouldn't mind. Did LB want to say hello? Perhaps that was her intention, but when she discovered the stairs on their deck, going up and down them was enough for her. We did that about 6 times while I chatted with the neighbor. Then off again . . . back out the gate and down the street.

At this point I decided to steer her home. She wasn't too happy about it until I cut through the neighbor's yard. Perhaps she didn't realize that meant we were still going home or maybe this little bit of new and different was enough of a distraction. She continued to enjoy the walk, happily talking to herself and occasionally veering this way and that. I continued to enjoy this perfect moment too. Mom and daughter going for a walk. It doesn't get any better.

Visit Lori for more Perfect Moments this Monday.

Still Pregnant

Just a quick update to say that we had our u/s and b/w today and everything is still on track. It is 6 weeks 1 day today and LB's Little Brother (LB's LB?) or LB Mark II or Dish Mate is still going strong and measuring right on time.

Happy Monday.

It's All Good

Things are still going well on the pregnancy front. Brad and I have had some vacation time so I have been away from the computer. I apologize for the silence and for not keeping out with other's events.

We had b/w two days ago (skipped the u/s this week) and all appears to be well. I have been a bit nauseous and more fatigued than usual. At least, I think. I have gotten in the habit of nibbling all day to make up for sleep deprivation which tends to keep the sickies at bay and I am always tired anyway. Although there was the day I put LB in the car seat while I tried to nap in the car because I knew she couldn't get away. Hmmm . . . I wonder if my house is big enough for a playpen and if she would adjust to using one?

The really great thing about this pregnancy is that I have found I can be more excited about it working out in the end. I don't know I will have a baby, but I can hope in a way I couldn't (wouldn't) with LB. I know I can survive a loss. I know I can be ok with one child. Those thoughts have allowed me to take the greater emotional risk of planning for this to work.

I even made my OB appointment for 9 weeks 5 days. How's that for risky?

I haven't made my midwifery appointment yet, but she is a bit more flexible with her schedule and can fit me in more easily.

And, yes, the plan is a home birth. That would be a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) for those that are new to my blog. I am very hopeful we won't transport this time. Third times a charm, right?

Next big update it Monday at 6 weeks 1 day where we will, hopefully, see a h/b and a baby measuring on time.

Still in shock

Still pregnant. I seriously cannot believe it. The beta today was 269 . . . up from 79. Crazy. Not to jinx things, but it just doesn't seem right to be this easy. I feel (and will look if this works out) positively fertile. I also feel guilty. There are those still trying so damn hard for number one and I waltz in and pull a BFP on a 10-15% chance of success.

Makes me wonder why I couldn't do that on one of the cycles with my eggs. Of course, that stats don't really matter, do they? It either works or it doesn't. You get a good embryo and it sticks or it doesn't.

Still. Just crazy. I keep looking an HPT with two pink lines just to convince myself that I am really currently pregnant.

I am hopeful and enjoying being more easily excited than the cycle with LB. I know I can survive a loss since we have her so I feel I can put myself out there a bit more.

Wow.

A Guest Blog

Dear Readers,

Kami has been asking me to be a guest blogger for months and today seemed like the day to do it. Please allow me to introduce myself, I am Brad, the DH, the house boy, He who catches spiders and cleans up icky stuff...

As you may know, today is the day when Kami was to get blood drawn for the first beta. All of us were tired after a long night of firework watchin'. Kami got up and left before LB & I woke up. When I woke up, I wondered if she'd POAS (For you non acronym types, this means taking a home pregnancy test). My mind wandered from her being happy when she got home, to sadly resigned.

When she walked in, I immediately asked. To my great surprise -she hadn't POAS'd. But she was sadly resigned. She then proposed that we walk to our favorite neighborhood diner for breakfast. Never ones to pass up breakfast -LB & I leapt at the opportunity.

As we walked we talked about the coming news. Should we answer the phone when they call? Wouldn't it be great if it worked? Wouldn't it be nice if something went easy? There were lots of sad sighs...

Then the phone rang. I can only tell Kami's side but this is why I'm writing to you...

Clinic: Wah-wah-wah?

Kami: This is her.

Clinic: Wah-wah-wah.

Kami: Oh?

Clinic: Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah.

Kami: OH! MY! GOD!

Kami (Whispered to me): Good news.

Clinic: Wah-wah-wah.

Kami (To me): Seventy-nine.

Kami: Excuse my language but (Edited for our younger readers) BUCK ME!

Me: That's good, right?

Kami (To me): Yes.

Me: What'd we have with LB?

Kami: Normally we would expect around a hundred, is it different for an FET?

Clinic: Wah-wah-wah.

Kami: I am shocked...

Clinic: Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah. Wah-wah-wah?

Kami: Uh-huh. OK. Thanks. Bye.

So... There you have it (Or at least what I remember). We have passed the second milestone on our challenge for LB mk II, LB's LB or whatever we decide to call this one!! Hopefully it will stick around!!

A strange kind of limbo

This is new for me. I don't ever remember in our 40 or so cycles (from trying on our own through IUI and IVF) ever wanting to not POAS. Occasionally I get the urge, but then I realize I don't really want to know any more than I already to that it will be a bust this cycle.

I tested with FMU at 11 dpo. That was Thursday and it was a BFN. I think it is likely, although not certain, if this cycle was going to work we would have had a positive then. My gut feeling is also telling me that there is not a chance I am pregnant. I am as certain I am not pregnant this time as I was certain I was pregnant after with our third IVF. Of course, I was wrong then.

It is that tiny bit of hope that is keeping away from the HPT's. It is nice to still have a little bit of hope. If it weren't for the PIO shots, I wouldn't even go in for the beta tomorrow. I would just wait until AF showed. That is another luxury not allowed the infertile.

I am bummed, but not terribly so. As I keep saying, we have a delightful child we get to raise. I don't feel the desperation I felt before LB. Still, it would have been nice to get pregnant easily for a change. It would have been nice to not be contemplating adding another $25,000 or so to our debt which, besides the house, is the remaining debt from our first 5 IVF cycles.

Oh, that sounds so "poor me". It isn't meant to. We can still choose to call it good and not try for a sibling. We had some fun dreaming and shopping for a larger house if this cycle had worked. It was nice to be PUPO for a bit. Besides, it's summer.

Emphasis added by DH.