Thursday, January 24, 2008

"Happy 20 weeks, my love!"

"Happy 20 weeks, my love!" is how Brad and I greeted each other this morning. It has become a ritual every Thursday when we reach another week milestone. Today is an especially big day because we will be seeing our OB and getting a detailed (not 3D) ultrasound.

It seems strange to type that because I used to think "it is what it is" and didn't need or want an ultrasound. I also felt I was being easier on the baby by not disturbing / harming it with the ultrasound. Then we did IVF and lost more babies and had many embryos die in a dish. What's harder on a baby? IVF with ICSI or an ultrasound? What is an occasional ultrasound compared to that? So while Ernest had zero ultrasounds until we knew something was wrong, this baby has had 7 - not counting the pictures as an embryo and the u/s's as an egg.

We are also no longer of the opinion that we will accept whatever baby we have. Although I think the situation would need to be extreme, we now want the option of aborting a pregnancy if things don't look good (notice how I switch from "baby" to "pregnancy" here? Who wants to say "abort a baby"? ). After all, nature has picked for us many, many times. Why shouldn't we have a vote?

Another big deal today is that Belinda will be joining us for the ultrasound. I had been thinking about it and agonizing about inviting her for weeks when I finally asked Brad what he thought and he said, "Sure, why not?" Just like that, he had decided. Is that a guy thing or is Brad just unusually easy going? At any rate, we invited her, she was thrilled and accepted. I am not sure why I thought it was a good idea to invite her, but it just seemed (and still seems) the right thing to do. I asked Brad if he thought it was odd to invite your egg donor - who wasn't a friend or family member when this started - to an OB appointment. He said, "No, it's just us." I guess he just thought it felt right too.

The appointment is in 6 hours and I can't think or work with the anticipation. I think I have been feeling the baby move so most of the time I am less nervous than I have been with previous appointments. Then I wonder if it could all be in my mind. We have wanted this for so long I don't think it would be impossible to imagine feeling what I want so badly to feel.

Emotionally, I am still up and down. I desperately need more consistent sleep, more exercise and Spring. I am working on resolving the first two items. I am hoping better moods will follow if I can get consistent sleep and exercise. One study found that 30 minutes of aerobic exercise a day was as an effective anti-depressant as drugs such as Pro.zac. I figure I can do that. In the meantime, I have talked to my midwife and OB about my recurring sadness to get their opinions (they agreed -more exercise and sleep) and just to be cautious. I don't want things to get out of control and I want to make sure I'm not stressing out our little butterfly too much.

5 comments:

Drowned Girl said...

I hope it goes well
x

Fertilize Me said...

Kami- what a wonderful thing to invite belinda. I do think its a man thing -easy going - quick good decision making - unless my husband is similair in nature to yours.

Thinking of you today

Lori said...

Your post makes me feel good. Like Spring.

So glad you are finding your way and doing things on your terms.

niobe said...

Hoping for a good u/s....

Rachel said...

I'm with you on the difficult decision thing and may neither of us ever have to deal with that. Especially going on 4weeks. But the thing is, there are some people who are cut out for that, and I know I'm not one of them, and that is totally okay with me. I'm so glad to hear of your good progress report and I predict a smooth sail for you... sure hope so! Belinda sounds like a great person...