"Happy 20 weeks, my love!"

"Happy 20 weeks, my love!" is how Brad and I greeted each other this morning. It has become a ritual every Thursday when we reach another week milestone. Today is an especially big day because we will be seeing our OB and getting a detailed (not 3D) ultrasound.

It seems strange to type that because I used to think "it is what it is" and didn't need or want an ultrasound. I also felt I was being easier on the baby by not disturbing / harming it with the ultrasound. Then we did IVF and lost more babies and had many embryos die in a dish. What's harder on a baby? IVF with ICSI or an ultrasound? What is an occasional ultrasound compared to that? So while Ernest had zero ultrasounds until we knew something was wrong, this baby has had 7 - not counting the pictures as an embryo and the u/s's as an egg.

We are also no longer of the opinion that we will accept whatever baby we have. Although I think the situation would need to be extreme, we now want the option of aborting a pregnancy if things don't look good (notice how I switch from "baby" to "pregnancy" here? Who wants to say "abort a baby"? ). After all, nature has picked for us many, many times. Why shouldn't we have a vote?

Another big deal today is that Belinda will be joining us for the ultrasound. I had been thinking about it and agonizing about inviting her for weeks when I finally asked Brad what he thought and he said, "Sure, why not?" Just like that, he had decided. Is that a guy thing or is Brad just unusually easy going? At any rate, we invited her, she was thrilled and accepted. I am not sure why I thought it was a good idea to invite her, but it just seemed (and still seems) the right thing to do. I asked Brad if he thought it was odd to invite your egg donor - who wasn't a friend or family member when this started - to an OB appointment. He said, "No, it's just us." I guess he just thought it felt right too.

The appointment is in 6 hours and I can't think or work with the anticipation. I think I have been feeling the baby move so most of the time I am less nervous than I have been with previous appointments. Then I wonder if it could all be in my mind. We have wanted this for so long I don't think it would be impossible to imagine feeling what I want so badly to feel.

Emotionally, I am still up and down. I desperately need more consistent sleep, more exercise and Spring. I am working on resolving the first two items. I am hoping better moods will follow if I can get consistent sleep and exercise. One study found that 30 minutes of aerobic exercise a day was as an effective anti-depressant as drugs such as Pro.zac. I figure I can do that. In the meantime, I have talked to my midwife and OB about my recurring sadness to get their opinions (they agreed -more exercise and sleep) and just to be cautious. I don't want things to get out of control and I want to make sure I'm not stressing out our little butterfly too much.