Saturday, January 5, 2008

Letting go . . . part 2

Thank you everyone for your wonderful and thoughtful comments. I have taken them to heart. I do think I am trying to rush the grief I am feeling (Pamela Jeanne has a timely post on the subject) and perhaps not allowing myself to grieve

I don't have any regrets for rushing in to DE. It was the best decision at the time and most of the time I still feel that way. Ironically, I think it is the greater peace and hope I feel because we (so far at least) seem to be so close to have a baby, that makes me doubt our decision. Now I have the energy to try again with my eggs because now I have the hope of a baby which makes it all seem more survivable. When I think back on how hopeless I felt before this cycle, I am reminded we did the right thing. In fact, my mom had offered to pay for a second "last chance with my eggs" cycle and I turned her down partly because I didn't want to take her money, but mostly because the idea of trying the same thing and hoping for different results just made my heart sink.

I do wish I could rush this grief. The reason I want to rush it is because I want to be fully present for this child now. I want this child to know that I love him unconditionally. I want to enjoy this pregnancy and not wonder if I would have felt differently with my genetic child. To that end, I went to my hypnotherapist and asked he to help me not care about the DE issue. She refused. She said grief takes as long as it takes and I need to let it happen. She said children are resilient and both of us will be better off if I use this time to grieve and not try to shut it away. "Yes, but I don't have time. This baby deserves to feel loved and cared for now." "Ahhh," she replied, "but you obviously do love and care for this child right now or you wouldn't be here asking me to take away your sadness for her benefit."

So, Anonymous (1), I am separating my grief of not having it a certain way from the love I feel for this child. I am happy we are so close to having a child. I will take time to relish in the life currently growing inside me and I will also take time to grieve the loss of the way I pictured I would become a mom.

Lori, Brad and I have both decided to write a letter to the mutually genetic baby we thought we would have. I think I will also write a letter to myself - from the part of me that is proud of the obstacles we have overcome to the part that feels like she wasn't enough.

Anonymous (2), I didn't mean to sound ungrateful although at the time I was writing the post I suppose I wasn't feeling very grateful at all. I am sorry for your struggles and your losses and did not mean to cause you any pain.

Drowned Girl, thank you for the links, I have read 2 of them (from your blog?) but it was nice to read again.

Frenchie - Thank you for the poem. I cried too, but it was nice to read. I am going to be rereading it in the future. Thank you also for telling your story about how much you love and cherish your son. I fully trust that I will feel the same way. At moments I already do and I hope those feelings will start to outweigh the grief feelings.

Thank you again to everyone else for your understanding, your advice and your reminders that things will get better. Losses will be grieved, dreams will shift and our child will never be second best.

One more note. Today I told my acupuncturist that we are calling this baby "our little project". Partly this is due from a desire not to jinx things, but also partly because of the bittersweet and somewhat tragic way we came to name our son. She was none to happy. It was too impersonal, she said. Brad and I discussed this and decided she was right. It was time to embrace this one a little more. Not only will we spending more time just being with this baby (and my acu has suggested some reiki as well) but he has a new name. From now until sometime in the future, she will be called "Our Little Butterfly"


niobe said...

I like the new name.

Lori said...

Love the symbolism of the butterfly.

Your acu is a wise woman.

I hope you find some release with writing the letters. Your idea of the second letter is a terrific one.

KarenO said...

You are just so strong and centered. Being able to express your grief and concerns so openly, handling comments (that would've thrown me into a spin!) on your blog so positively and with quiet strength.
You loved your little butterfly since the moment you decided on DE, don't let anything or anyone make you think differently :)

Frenchie said...

"Our Little Butterfly" I love it. It is perfect on so many levels.


Laurie & Damian said...

Hi Kami! I enjoy reading your blog. I feel like we haven't been in touch in so long. I like the new name butterfly.

Pamela Jeanne said...

So glad my post came at a good time. The competing feelings of joy and sadness must be overwhelming at times. I think your idea about writing a letter will give you a chance to tap into some deep and difficult emotions.

Familyof2 said...

I am late to the wake, so I will post for both here.

You know no matter how far into the journey we get...having a child, never having a child, utilizing IVF, or just giving up I don't think we ever give up the dream. The dream is to have sex, pee on a stick and find out we are pregnant and then go on to deliver a child...that is really the dream isn't it?

How does one let go of something we are taught is a basic biological function that turns into a need as we age? I don't care how much psychology is written about it...but I don't think we ever "let go"

As for you...I do believe that once you have delivered a healthy happy baby that much of what you are feeling will wash away. It won't forever be erased, but I do believe it will get easier. Right now you are not only dealing with the how you got pregnant, but why you needed to get pregnant this way, and then the pregnancy worries themselves.

Keep working through it, and someday...hopefully it will all make some amount of sense...

Mijk said...

I have hesitated too post this ( and I think delurk to dsy this) because I didn't experience losses like yours and can only imagine the pain. There was something though that I thought was obvious in why DE was so hard on you but I don't see it mentioned. Maybe I am completely wrong and then just ignore.

From when I read the first time I read about this pregnancy I thought it must be hard to miss the genetic link because it would have meant having a full sibling to ernest. An d I thought that probably to me that would have felt as a chance to see hwo he might have been.. Don't know if it works that way for youn but maybe somehow it does a bit and then realising it might help a tiny bit..

Lots of love for butterfly!

Working Girl said...

I am happy that you have been able to surround yourself with positive people. Both your hypnotherapist and acupuncturist are wise indivduals. Uncaring mothers would never be concerned about whether they could love their child. Kami, you were forced down a difficult road but, the end point will be worthwhile and joyful!!!

Working Girl said...

I am happy that you have been able to surround yourself with positive people. Both your hypnotherapist and acupuncturist are wise indivduals. Uncaring mothers would never be concerned about whether they could love their child. Kami, you were forced down a difficult road but, the end point will be worthwhile and joyful!!!

hope548 said...

I can't imagine the various feelings you must have as you grieve, but want to feel happy for your pregnancy at the same time. I agree you need to let the grief run its course. These decisions are not easy, and we often second-guess ourselves. I didn't try that many treatments myself before we threw in the towel and decided to adopt. I have had my doubts as we've gotten further into the process. But the bottom line is that we want to be mothers, and we take the road with the best chance of making us mothers. If you couldn't handle it, you never would have made this decision. I think the grief is absolutely natural because we all thought we'd have a child that is genetically linked to us.

As much love as you already have for your little butterfly, there is no doubt in my mind that your doubts will be gone when you hold your new baby! Take care.

singletracey said...

Hey you.. I know exactly what you mean. Reading your words helps me to understand what I am sometimes overwhelmed with emotionally. It reassures me that I am not alone or crazy for my thoughts.

Thank you for taking the time to post all of this. It has helped me so much. I know you love your baby... I know you can't wait for him/her to get here.... peace and love my friend :-)

Anonymous said...

I love the new name.

Rachel said...

Oh, I like the new name!! and your therapist is right on, I hope you will take those words into your heart and your head... I think your baby can feel everything you are feeling, and he or she knows you are sad, but knows everything else you feel too, including the good feelings... just think of all the women (and men) who aren't able to deal with this stuff honestly. They'll stuff it all down, pretend it doesn't really feel like this, pretend they conceived naturally, etc. You are already giving the gift of honesty to your child, and that is crucial to all good relationships.

Tracy said...

I'm proud of you for working through this. I think it shows just how much you do care for this child.

password - edward (sorry for all the PWP posts! I have some friends IRL that we don't care to share the details about our DE cycle)

Freyja said...

One step at a time.