I must be feeling more hopeful

I know I start too many posts this way, but thank you to all of you who commented on my last post. I have enjoyed the thoughtful responses and viewpoints of each one of you. It has given me much to think about.

I know I sometimes seem ungrateful or perhaps worry too much or regret too much, but I want this to be an honest journal of my journey so that when I write one day that it "doesn't matter at all where the egg came from" someone out there may see that I didn't always feel that way. Perhaps we do get brainwashed when we see our little one for the first time - whether it is our mutually genetic child or a child of donor gametes or adoption. If that is the case, I am ready to be brainwashed.

For something different, I thought I would write a post when I am neither sad and feeling the need to connect nor thrilled and wanting to share that I am not always sad. I realized this was the case when an IRL friend commented about my blog. My posts do seem to be one extreme or the other so here are some rather mundane updates.

I am 28 weeks and 6 days today and I am enjoying this new phase of pregnancy. By "new", I mean that it is a point that I didn't get to with Ernest. I love all the movement I feel. I love dreaming that this baby will make it to term and be healthy (Please be healthy Little Butterfly!). Sleeping continues to be a challenge and I long to be able to cuddle up to Brad again. I also look forward to having my body behave in the way I have been used to for the last 40 years. Still, I wouldn't change it for anything and I am more than patient enough for this baby to get to term. After all, I have waited longer between fertility treatments just for a chance to try again than I will need to wait until we (hopefully) give birth to a live baby.

Brad and I have also considered our first baby related purchase. We are looking at getting a bike trailer / jogger. We haven't decided on a brand or style yet, but we are leaning toward one by Burley or Chariot. I know this isn't anything we would need right away, although I am secretly hoping that we will be going for bike rides sooner than later. We have a nice bike trail near our home that is separate from car traffic and I love to bike. Currently I am looking for a safe way to take a young infant since they can't use a helmet. Why would be looking into something like this when we have nothing else? We have been shy about buying anything before the baby is born (hey, the women in The Gambia never had anything but the bed they slept in and their breasts to care for a newborn), but this purchase is on a time table. Until the end of March REI offers 20% off one item and our REI rebate this year will almost cover the remainder (I charged our IVF on our REI rebate card). And so, we have explored the world of shopping for our Someday Baby AKA Little Butterfly.

We are both scared and excited about it. I almost hate to admit this in a public forum, but shopping also brought up feelings of inadequacy as I looked at the baby and kid outdoor gear. Years ago, I read an excerpt from a book about loss and one of the pregnant women confessed her fears: "I know all about pregnancy, but what do I know about being a mom?!" At the time I thought, "Honey, if you can get through infertility and loss you can be a mom." I didn't understand her fears. I think I do now. For years I have watched other women become moms and subsequently gain experience in the role. I have felt further and further behind as their kids grew up while I still waited for mine. Consciously, I know I will learn and adapt just like everyone else. Emotionally, I feel that I am behind schedule. After all, I should have more than three years of experience by now.

Crap. That sounds kind of sad, doesn't it? It must be the lack of sleep making me melancholy.

On a happier note . . . as I type this, I can feel LB moving around and reminding me that we still have the hope of a real live baby in just under three more months. This morning as I lie in bed feeling him move, I dared to think that soon he will be lying beside me. Then I imagined her hand wrapped around my finger. The image took my breath away. Like I suspect many people do, after awhile I had decided it was easier emotionally to not think about that Someday Baby in too much detail. Today, I allowed a little detail to slip into my daydream and it was really wonderful.