Midwife appt # 8: 37 weeks and 0 days

Have you ever heard the story about the teacher who fills her student's tea cup, but the cup is already full so the tea the teacher adds just spills on to the floor? The point being that you cannot learn anything new if you have already made up your mind . . . if your cup is full, nothing else can fit in.

I will tell you upfront that my cup is usually about seven eighths four fifths three quarters full. I can be very opinionated and passionate about my beliefs and unless you know me very well (and sometimes even if you do) I suspect I sometimes come across as "I'm right and your wrong." To my defense it is something I have been working on for quite some time. I have gotten better about understanding another person's view point and appreciating how she came to believe as she does - even to the point where I could say, "Hmmm . . . if I had that experience, I can see doing the exact same thing." I have gotten better at "live and let live" (as long as you don't try to throw out your aluminum can in front of me). I try not to sound like I have all the answers and mine are the right answers.

But I tell you, when I come across someone else who has a full cup it really pushes my buttons which seems to make the part of me that wants to put everything into a right or wrong category looms large. And that, gentle readers, is what I am going to highlight from my midwifery appointment. *

It didn't start off too well with Cathy suggesting I should join the mindful mommies group. Yes, because I would oh-so-enjoy being around a bunch of fertiles with their cups full on the subject of motherhood. I expressed my lack of desire to be around people who have children easily. I was tearing up. I guess she thought that an example of how neat the group was would sway me so she told me about how they were discussing fertility after baby. I am not kidding - this was the example. I thought, "Fertility after infertility? Yeah . . . that would mean $25,000 for one chance of a sibling with a (hopefully still willing) donor who will be nearly 33 years old. Outside of that, I have nothing to contribute.

Then she told us about an acupuncturist that she works with who would like to trade her knowledge of acupuncture for Cathy's knowledge of midwifery. I think that is a great match because I know Cathy wants to move more into a consultant role and not have to be on call as a midwife all the time. I am very happy for her to have this potential career change. I wish she hadn't suggested that I would prefer this acupuncturist for the wonderful one I currently go to. Brad I have been seeing Shannon since June 2005. I don't think we have gone more than 2 months without paying her a visit and it has been as often as weekly. We have even become friends. She is kind and soft spoken and seems to have a amazing empathy - and uses that to lead her in which points to use. I told Cathy how much I like her, but she still suggested I see her acupuncturist. "She does house calls for postpartum support. She brings along her 5 month old since she is still nursing." Did she miss the part about not wanting to be around people who have children easily?!

The final straw was when we were talking about getting some essentials for when (hopefully) we have a real, live baby. I think we have the essentials. My motto has been "If Kumba didn't need it, I don't need it." Kumba, being the first wife in the compound (set of huts) I stayed in while in The Gambia during my Peace Corps days. I will confess that Kumba did have some baby clothes, which we don't currently have, but she didn't have diapers, a crib, hat, blankets, towels (not just no baby towels, but no towels at all). She had what I have - breasts that are expected to give milk, a bed to sleep in that she shared with baby (among other female children), and her loving attention. I explained further that we were planing on having a diaper free baby (also known as EC'ing for Elimination Communication). (Just between us, I don't plan on being militant about it so at least a few diapers would probably be a good idea). To my shock and surprise; this very granola, environmental activist midwife poo-pood the idea (pun intended). "Why would you want to do that?" (better for the environment, more connection with baby, just because I want to) and "That is too much work." (it didn't look like it from observing the women in The Gambia, people who have tried it say it isn't, I'm willing to find out for myself). I was ready to tell her how EC'ing is the only right way to raise a baby, but I bit my tongue. See? I'm learning! Ok, I don't really believe that anyway, but I wanted to say it just the same.

Afterwards, I called my good friend Stacey. She has just been wonderfully supportive throughout the whole ttc thing. She was the first to encourage me to look into our fertility issues (Sadly, I ignored her sage advice), she supported Brad and I during Ernest's birth, she was the only one outside of Brad to attend the Focus on Fertility Forum, and most importantly in this instance Cathy was her midwife for her son's birth and we tend to have similar views. Stacey told me to let it go and reminded me why Cathy is a good match for me for a home birth. She also said, "You might as well get used to it. Every decision you make as a mother will be second guess or outright criticized. You need to do what you think is best and not let other people get to you."

It's a good thing I had a little of room left in my cup, because I took that last bit of advice to heart. I am looking forward to Brad and I doing the best we can in the grand experiment of The Little Butterfly.


* Note: Just for the record, I like and respect my midwife. In many areas we agree so it doesn't matter if we are opinionated. I think she will be great for the birth.