Thursday, August 20, 2009


Off bed rest, that is. As of 2:00 yesterday. Thank goodness, I was getting really grumpy. Poor Brad, I bet he hated to come home from work. He was doing all the childcare and putting up with me be surly or sad or both. It was not pretty, but hopefully it is behind us and really, as things go, wasn't that painful. At least for me. Brad might have a different story.

But 6 hours later I had some spotting. I hope my reprieve isn't short lived. I have a call into my OB but he isn't in until tomorrow. The nurse said, "Take it easy. Brown spotting is normal during pregnancy." It didn't help that she sounded young and I have never spoken to her before and she isn't even my doctor's nurse, but I heard a patronizing tone of voice. I wanted to respond, "This is my fifth pregnancy, I have had two miscarriages and one early infant death. I know what is normal and what isn't. What I want to know is if I need to start the three days over again?"

I was polite and got off the phone.

Update: I forgot to post this yesterday (Wednesday) and today I spoke to my OB and we are ALL GOOD! Normal activity may be resume. Thank goodness!

In other news . . . I don't have any other news. I haven't done anything in a week.

I have had some thoughts wondering through my head lately, however. One of them being that I would really like to make some homemade pizza with homemade pizza dough soon (I have been watching Alton Brown to pass the time) or perhaps this chocolate cake.

The other thought is a twist on the "Why her and not me?"

How many times have I thought that? The first time that was sufficiently significant to remember was on FF. It was about a year after Ernest died and I came across someone offering hope to someone else trying IUI with severe male factor infertility. Like me they were successful in getting pregnant when all odds were against them. I kept reading and she ended with " . . . and now we have a 2 year old son." I felt my mind bending in on itself. Some part of me had decided that Ernest died because we really shouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place, but here was someone who beat the odds and got a baby. I couldn't believe it and kept rereading the passage thinking, "Why her and not me?"

So many times in the following 5 years that question has come up again and again. I know there is no reason. I know the world is wholly natural (with no higher powers interfering) and that things just happen. Yet, I still find I want that answer.

Lately, I have been wondering the reverse: Why me and not her? Why was I so lucky (so far) with baby number two and others are still doing everything possible and just keep trying and trying with no luck. There has just been too much bad news out there lately.

It makes no sense and it's not fair and there is not one thing we can do about it.


MrsSpock said...

I'm glad the spotting meant nothing.

I make homemade pizza frequently. We got a bread machine as a wedding gift, and I use it to make the dough. Pretty easy, really.

I don't believe there is a something that controls what happens to us or not either. When I sat wondering last month if I had a terminal illness or not, that didn't change, but I often thought that some people have all the luck.

Sunny said...

I'm so glad all is well with you and the bean!

Yes, I struggle with the why me and why not me. I have been through IF, but not *the worst* IF out there (i.e. I conceived on IUIs and have never -- knock on wood -- lost a baby). So I look at my fertile friends and think, "Damn, what I wouldn't give to not have struggled with this!" But then I read so many blogs and think, "What I wouldn't give for this person to experience the eventual success that I've had."

Summer said...

Great news about being off bedrest. Here's hoping for a very boring rest of the pregnancy.

I, too, have had a lot of "why me and not her?" thoughts lately. In some ways, I am a lucky infertile. Yes, we had to use donor eggs, but my first transfer of my first IVF worked for us and I had a relatively uneventful pregnancy. Why can't we all have that? But as you said, we have as little control over these "good" things as we do over the "bad."

battynurse said...

Glad you are off bed rest and that the spotting was ok. I think I would have wanted to snap at the nurse too. Probably good that you didn't though.
I've done a lot of the why not me wondering too. It just seems sometimes where some people everything lines up great and good things are always happening and some people get the reverse.

Me said...

Yay for good news.

On the WHY question. I ask myself seventeen different versions of it seventeen times a week for seventeen different reasons. And I always come up with the same answer you did: just because.

Virginia said...

I'm glad you're off bedrest and hope you keep doing well.

As for the why me's? The answer I finally came up with was, why not me? There's really no more reason for me to have all the things I do have than there is for me to have a dead son. Stuff happens to everyone. This is what happened to me.

singletracey said...

I bet once you reach the other side.. this feeling is common. The thing with IF is you feel terrible on both sides... just your focus on who you feel terrible for changes.

The success and failure of all this is odds... I used to think it was something I did or some sort of punishment... some days when it all is crashing down on me... I still feel that. But then the level head in me reminds me it is odds... it is luck.. it is quality.

Anyhoo... I am glad things are moving along for you and everything is going well.. Hugs to you and LB