The Sound Of Magic

A heartbeat. What a wonderful thing to hear. I have gotten complacent in this pregnancy. LB keeps me sufficiently busy that I don't have time forget to pay attention to this new baby. Unlike LB where I could not believe we would ever have a baby, but still appreciated each moment I was pregnant; now I (all interfering gods look away) expect to have a live baby, but forget to appreciate this moment.

Then yesterday my midwife could not find the heart tones. She wasn't worried, 12 weeks is at the limit of where she can pick up heart tones with the doppler. I wasn't worried and decided that I would not give it any mind share until my next appointment (with the OB) in two weeks. Then I woke up in the middle of the night thinking, "What if this baby dies because I didn't pay attention to it?" I know noticing or not noticing will have no effect at all, but a middle-of-the-night mind doesn't have much reason. I spent some time talking to this little one and telling him I am so glad he is here and how I think he will really like his big sister, etc."

The next morning I felt more rational and felt that everything would be ok. But then I thought I was pregnant with our 3rd IVF and I wasn't. Wouldn't it be just my luck to regain some trust in our ability to go from pregnancy to a baby only to be knocked down again? Perhaps my confidence is unfounded. Maybe the baby is already dead. No, don't think like that - alive or not there is nothing I can do about it, I might as well assume the best and go about my day.

Nah! Let's show up at the OB's office and get a heartbeat! I packed LB into the car, grabbed two egg sandwhiches at a local fast food restaurant (I kid you not, LB can eat nearly an entire sandwhich) and off we went. I called on the way - as soon as they opened- and said I could be there at 9:00. My sister met me there just in case we got bad news. Again, I wasn't really worried, but you just never know.

And then . . .

Ahhhhh . . . heart tones. Magic.

And a reminder to be here now. I am pregnant and never will be again. I may not be able to give this experience all the attention I gave the last pregnancy, but I can do better. Especially if it doesn't give LB a sibling, but even it does, I want to know that I appreciated and enjoyed the process as much as possible.