Monday, October 19, 2009

Perfect Moment Monday: Taking A Breath

It is that time of year again and I suspect (I hope) it is coloring my current situation. I have been feeling my baggage lately. Sometimes I lie in bed at night and wonder how I can still be breathing. I wonder how it all went so perfectly wrong - not just Ernest's conception and death but the 2 years before and the 4 years after while we waited for our Someday Baby. I have longed, once again, for our mutually genetic child so strongly that I felt, in that moment at least, I would trade in LB for Ernest to have lived and the following four years to have never happened.

Such thoughts lead to so many doubts: Would I have loved my genetic baby more? Am I really bonded with LB? What does it mean to be bonded to your child? Would I die for her? Am I a good mother to her? Will she grow up to say, "My mom did her best, but I knew she always wanted someone different."?

A few days into this funk, Brad and I were sitting in a cafe holding hands while LB made the rounds to family and friends - getting "pounds" (or however you say it), dancing to the music, signing for more whenever the music stopped. We were watching her meander and then, quite suddenly, the moment struck. It reminds me now of the last time when I was pregnant and I sat down my baggage for a minute. The image is burned in my mind: the feel of Brad's hand, the angle of my head, LB poised to walk out the door of the cafe and into the buildings corridor. Just an everyday, innocent moment; but I realized I was in love - in love with Brad, with LB and with my life - just the way it is. No regrets, no unfulfilled dreams, no still-healing wounds. What a perfect moment and I am so glad I got to experience it.*

Check out Lori's blog to see what other Perfect Moments people are sharing.

*I want to add that I have been thinking about my feelings for LB a lot lately - not just at night when my thoughts can run the most negative, but in the light of day. I realize I would die for her and that my interactions with her come from a place of love not just doing what I think I ought to do. I think we are doing ok.


Sheri said...

Thanks for visiting my Perfect Moment Monday post. I am visiting from Lori's Perfect Moment Monday as well.

This is a very touching, sweet post. Thank you for sharing this special moment. It sounded quite...PERFECT!

Lavender Luz said...

"I realized I was in love - in love with Brad, with LB and with my life - just the way it is. No regrets, no unfulfilled dreams, no still-healing wounds."

Wow. This is so powerful. I'm glad you were able to know that you are feeling it.


Parenthood For Me said...

This is a beautiful realization that must bring you peace and ease the doubts.

Quiet Dreams said...

Sometimes you have to go to that dark place and ask yourself those hard (scandalizing) questions in order to come out on the other side and know, know, KNOW what you need to know.

This moment sounds wonderful.

Sian said...

What a beautiful post. Its a wondering I have ....and I'm comforted to know that I am not alone with these thoughts.

"I realized I was in love - in love with Brad, with LB and with my life - just the way it is. No regrets, no unfulfilled dreams, no still-healing wounds."

But to hear that is even more comfort to me. Thanks for this.

Bee Cee said...

I love the fact that you can say exactly what is on your mind. I am not there yet - I am scared of people telling me I am ungrateful, when in fact not having my own biological child and my 'maybe DE baby' are 2 very separate things. I can really want what I have, and also feel sad about the past.

I am so glad you get these 'perfect' moments, it makes me hopeful for my future - that I can get there too.

Sheri said...

Kami -- I wasn't sure how to email to you, but I wanted to invite you to check out Intuitive Tuesday on my blog:

Each Tuesday I pull a tarot card and then on Thursday, select one reader's comment and pull another card.

I hope you'll stop by...

Leah and Maya said...

great post, and this is why I still follow a few infertititly blogs, I can't take too much becasue I cannot go down that road again but this is the only place to be honest, its hard for people to understand that you are happy and would change nothing but still have the pain from things that are so desired.
Maya's dance teacher out becasue her son is int he hospital with the swine flu, yikes!

Sunny said...

What honesty you share with us, and a beautiful realization.

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