Thank you to everyone who left feed back regarding how to handle my pregnancy and the IRL support group. It is SO much appreciated! I would like to encourage anyone with an opinion to continue to leave your thoughts.
You ladies didn't let me down and I got some wonderful feedback from many different view points. For the time being, I am going to take each new member on a case by case basis as to when I will let them know about the pregnancy. My plan is to not attend the meetings in person once the bump (continuing to think optimistically) is too prominent. Even if people say they are ok with it, they might not be on that particular day.
Interestingly, I have had my first big challenge in terms of new members. The newest member is dealing with secondary infertility. She got pregnant on her first IVF and has had two failed FET's from embryos left over from that first IVF cycle. She has more in the freezer, but her RE has advised her to move on to another fresh cycle. Can I be compassionate and offer her the same support I give to others still trying for their first? I think so. Can I be sincere in that support? I will try.
Wish me luck!
1017th Friday Blog Roundup
17 hours ago
14 comments:
Wishing you luck!
I think it all goes back to the concept of pain being relative. However, I think that secondary infertility is sooo not the same as primary infertility. The fear of "never" having a child to me is so much more profound. On the otherhand, my compassion toward people with secondary infertility has grown (OK not to people having their 5th kid or anything) but just knowing that if I ever want to get pregnant again I will have to likely go through multiple IVF's that have a low chance of working and I shudder to think how painful and expensive that will be.
Kami, I admire your ability to give support in that way. I'm not so sure that I would be able to, I am ashamed to admit.
J
Geohde - Thank you, but I think you should hold off on the admiration until I find out if I can actually do it.
I think from the secondary IF bloggers I know that once there is a personal connection, the IF struggle becomes more important than the primary vs secondary issue. Although, like Laurie said . . . there are limits!
I think you can and should be. I am not there myself...but think of your own situation...once this little on arrives and you want to give him/her a sibling...what if you weren't so lucky next time around? Would the pain be any less harsh because you already have one munchkin?
If she never has a second child there will be a part of her that is just as unfullfilled as there is for those of us with no children...
A dream is a dream...and once one is fullfilled another takes shape.
Hi kami,
Just catching up on your writing, so here are my thoughts on your last two entries:
Can’t go wrong with honesty and speaking openly. I am not part of a fertility group but I have purposely not spoken much about my pregnancy to the people I know who do not have children. So much so in fact, that one friend asked me if there was something wrong with the pregnancy. In other words by assuming that she wouldn’t want to hear/discuss what was going on with me I took it upon myself to say nothing. The reality happened to be that she wanted to hear about the pregnancy. What I had done was take my own experience and place it on her. So that’s the long way of saying, it seems like the route of talking about it and asking, the one you are taking, is a great because you really don’t know how people feel until you ask.
As you say, everyone’s definition of hard and easy is different. And what each person can handle or work through is very different. I doubt anyone who has had trouble conceiving would say their journey was easy. The same goes, I think, for someone with secondary infertility. That person wants another baby as much as she wanted her first and it is probably no less painful. As family of2 mentions a dream is a dream. That said of course there are limits and those limits will change from person to person. What’s important is to know your limits so you don’t place yourself in a position that you are not comfortable in.
Thank you for blogging your thoughts/questions about these things. It is helpful to read what you write and what others post.
As my dh's uncle tells us, "life is a feeling experience." We feel one way on some days, not so much other days. I keep reminding myself that I have to take it one day at a time and not beat myself up if my strength reserves are low. I also think the personal connection goes a long way to finding understanding. It certainly has for me.
ooooo that is a hard one... I struggle to be compassionate with those dealing with secondary IF. I can imagine that it must be tough... but that dang comparison-meter in my brain keeps reminding me that they already have a child ... I know, so immature. I'm working on it though. Good luck to you.
Hi Kami,
I don't know if you remember me, but I still like checking in on you from time to time.
Oh...this is Amber by the way.
I know it definitely is not the right time, but I wanted to put a bug in your ear early.
I am having a sweet little boy just two months before you! My due date is April 12th.
I am so hoping that you and I might be able to go out to coffee after your little one arrives. No obligation of course ;) I would just love that so much.
You have been on my constant heart and in my prayers.
By the way, MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Love,
Amber
ambrosiaphotography@hotmail.com
well, it sounds like she also struggled with primary infertility due to the fact that she had her first child through IVF. did i read that wrong? i don't know her situation but from what i gather she was, is, and always will be infertile, and she deserves compassion like all of us other IFers. maybe not the same kind as someone trying for their first but i'm sure she has loads of pain locked up. good luck!
Journey to junior - Your comment "maybe not the same kind of compassion" struck me and I realized she does deserve the same kind of compassion.
you are right, kami, she does doesn't she. i look forward to reading about your journey with her (and everything else!)...
I think it's great that you even have such a group. Good luck.
Good words.
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