Sunday, December 2, 2007

OB appointment #2: 12 weeks, 1 day (detailed u/s description)

We had another meeting with Dr. Wonderful on Friday. To save you any suspense, all went well and things look normal. Now on to the tedious details!

I suspect the first part of every visit is going to be the same. We arrived on time, only to wait in a big-bellied waiting room for 30 minutes. Like last time, my mood spiraled down as I watched all the get-pregnant-easily people waddling around. I find my self defense is always to mentally trash on these other women. One woman looked like she was 19 and her boyfriend, husband, or younger brother looked like he was 12. Another woman reminded me of the guy in Beetle Juice who got his head shrunk in the afterlife's waiting room. It didn't matter what they were like really, I hated them all. No, I'm not bitter.

Eventually, we were called back, weighed and blood pressured. We were then taken to the OB's office to wait to speak with him. Since this was our official "new OB patient" appointment, we would talk about due dates and how I was feeling, what to eat/not eat, etc. (I was actually spared the later this time, thankfully - I had heard it twice before and knew all that long before I ever got pregnant the first time).

The interesting bit was when I went to pee in a cup while waiting for the doctor to arrive. I don't like this part very much. I don't know why, but it seems too . . . icky to pee in a cup and then leave my yellow goodness on a shelf along with others so a nurse can come by and stick a strip in it. The worst part was as I was leaving the one bathroom. There was an obviously pregnant lady waiting her turn. She gave me a big, "Phew!" and a look that said, "You know how we pregnant ladies are." As if we have this big thing in common. I wanted to shout at her, "We have nothing in common. You have no idea what it took for me to get here - huge amounts of grief, loss, money, marital challenges - and you could never, ever pretend to have a clue what this pregnancy is like for me." Actually, that is the clean version of what I was thinking.

We returned to Dr. Wonderful's office where Brad and I sat for another 30 minutes or so. He asked if I had any cramping or bleeding and if I was still feeling pregnant (no, no, and yes). Then we calculated the due date - perhaps he wanted to double check my math? He asked when implantation was and I said, "Well, retrieval was September 20th, but the transfer was the 26th." He then realized it was the retrieval date he wanted anyway and we, of course, determined that I my due date would be June 12th. As if I didn't know this date from the day we were scheduled for the trigger shot.

We then moved to the scan room. My OB really is a wonderful person and once again asked what level of care I wanted since he recalled I didn't want any ultrasounds with our first (low tech all the way for me). I told him (trying not to cry) that I no longer cared because now I realized there is nothing I nor anyone can do to save a baby. He said that choosing not to do meth, etc. does make an impact. "Ok," I conceded, "but a few ultrasounds now couldn't possibly have the impact IVF, ICSI and donor eggs have already had." He laughed and agreed that he was relatively low-impact.

So we did the scan. Right away we could see the baby move, but I insisted we look at the heartbeat. I didn't need to measure it, I just needed to see that flutter. Brad was unbelievably thrilled. Usually I am the pessimist, but I just have a feeling things are going to work out with this one. (Yes, I have been wrong before and I could still be wrong, but if it feels hopeful I won't talk myself out of it.) Brad, usually what I call a blind optimist was very nervous so seeing the baby move was like he was given a set of wings. We could see arms and legs moving this time. Dr. Wonderful pointed out the spine, rib cage, fingers and toes. At one point one of her feet was facing the u/s so we could see a perfect little footprint.

The conversation moved around the level of care that I wanted. He said in the future we can stick to a doppler, do scans sometimes or every time, etc. Dr. Wonderful added he wanted to do what he could to give me what I needed. I replied that I would like to avoid sitting in the waiting room. He said we can work something out - I could wait in the car and they could call me, or wait in his office or have the first appointment of the day. Brad and I like the last appointment of the day so we will do one of the first two in future appointments.

An already long post but we are not yet done with the post or the appointment!

We were then escorted to an exam room where I got naked and waited for another 30 minutes. I was due for my annual pap test so he did that. He also did a breast exam keeping in mind that I planned to breast feed. Dr. Wonderful joked that, "The baby would have to be stupid not to be able to latch on to those." In the spirit of infertility I also partly worried that he would jinx me and I would have a kid to messed up to latch on.

We then talked about the types of tests we would like to do. He pointed out that if we wouldn't do anything (as in terminate) with the information we would probably be better off not finding out. In the past, this was my opinion. I would accept and love and take care of any child we had. There is no way I would ever, ever terminate a pregnancy. Now that we have had a child that could have been severely disabled had he lived and had 40 plus embryos die, I find I am a bit more pragmatic. I hate to think of myself as someone who would terminate a life that could have some quality of life, but I also know that there is no way we could ever afford a sibling (at around $25,000 to $30,000 if we are lucky) if we had to care for a special needs child. Well, we have some weeks to decide. We will see how it goes.

In the meantime I have scheduled my first appointment with my midwife. We will see her in less than two weeks.


Geohde said...

Kami, I am very happy to hear that bub is ok in there.

You're coping very well with facing stressful events and situations.

Deciding what care and tests to have can be really, really tough.



Fertilize Me said...

I am glad that your Dr is so gentle with you and your needs.

Yodasmistress said...

So much great info in this post!

I have a confession. Your anger at the pregnant ladies makes me feel a little relieved. My husband is so annoyingly well adjusted and he doesn't understand (or agree with) my disdain for the fertile masses. I know your Journey has been much longer than mine and you have more of a reason for your feelings. But for you to admit that you have them makes me feel like I'm not such an abnormal freak/bitch. Thank you for your candor.

And congrats on getting all good news.

singletracey said...

Dr. Wonderful sounds GREAT!

Congrats on seeing a wondeful happy baby :-)

Trace said...

Oh, wow!! It sounds like an appointment w/so many ups and downs.

Lori said...

Do I detect that you feel she's a she?

Ooooh. This is so fun. From the sidelines, anyway.

niobe said...

Glad to hear it went well. Despite, well, despite how hard this all is.

stacyb said...

congratulations on entering your second trimester! How wonderful that everything looks good, I’m happy that you and your husband got to see so much movement – it must have been a big relief.

thank you for such an honest and eloquent post that voices some of the things i too have felt when sitting at the obgyn office waiting for my appointment. I can say that even as I went in last week for my 27 week visit the feelings were/are still there and I don’t know when/if they will go away…by the same token I know I don’t want to forget everything we’ve been through to get here either.

Babe* said...

I'm glad to see your appointment went well. I continue to pray for a healthy pregnancy for you.

Can't wait to hear about your next appointment.

RJ said...

Kami, Your waiting room experience reminded me that going to prenatal yoga might be more of a drag than I anticipated. Ugh. I am thrilled to qualify for the "club." Just not sure I will EVER feel like (or even want to be) a member!!

Woohoo on seeing those tiny hands and feet!! Actual size, but I am sure she seems much bigger. . .


midlife mommy said...

Glad to hear that your appointment went well. Thank you for sharing the details, which were not tedious at all.

I wish you an uneventful and happy pregnancy.

MrsSpock said...

It seems like your OB is doing his best to be sensitive to your feelings- kudos to him.

I admit that when I am waiting to see the CNM or OB (and the wait is generally 2 doggone hours) I am shooting laser beams from my eyes at all the Easily Knocked Up. It doesn't seem to change no matter how round my belly grows...

meg said...

Kami, glad to hear that all is well. Your doctor sounds very understanding too. Good luck with the midwife appointment too.

Ann said...

I do want to gently remind you that it's not necessarily always a choice between terminating a pregnancy and living with a severely disabled child. There's another situation: Terminating a pregnancy when the child has no chance of living outside the womb. In that case, you're making the choice between the child dying now, dying later in the pregnancy or dying right after birth.

Anonymous said...

I know this is old.
I'm so happy you are open and honest in this.
It took me a while to get pregnant the third time and we thought there was secondary infertility problems.. It was scary, because I am young and so is my husband. Meanwhile, my sister who is a meth user and has had 2 kids taken away and an abortion goes and gets knocked up again just 3 months after her youngest was born! Made me so mad...
Anyway, I must tell you though that while you shoot daggers with your eyes at the 'easily knocked up' women, did you ever stop to think that maybe they had their own long and painful journey? Or, are you possibly the only one in a room of women who had problems getting pregnant? I hope you and other women who become pregnant in the future realize that you can't look at someone and see a pregnant bump and immediately assume their journey was quick and painless... and you may actually have more in common than you think..Please try to not be so bitter :/

Anonymous said...

I definitely agree with Anonymous August 2010....How can you actually look at someone and have the audacity to assume that their journey was an easy one? You can not be that conceded and naive to think that you are the only one who has had a difficult journey. Your complete disregard for others extremely offends me as I'm sure does those "easily knocked up" women that you refer to in your statement. Perhaps you should realize that other people in this world....and probably that waiting room...have gone through just as much struggle as you before you go posting rude and ignorant statements.

Kami said...

Well, I can honestly say I am not as bitter and angry as I was when I wrote this post almost 3 years ago. Time is healing those infertility wounds.

I think my fellow infertiles understand what I was saying - that it doesn't matter what those other women had gone though and it is my perception of what they have gone though (likely very little trauma) that caused and sometimes still causes the pain. The anger and hate is a way to protect my wounded heart from feeling sadness at the losses.

I do not apologize for my feelings. Yes, some of those people may have struggled to get or keep a pregnancy. Odds are they didn't, but it is possible. Again, what mattered is my perception and my feelings of jealously and inadequacy that were brought up.

It is also not lost on me that other infertiles look at me and may be envious of how easily I got pregnant - which is not true, of course.

In the end, I was always polite to these other women and I am quite sure they had no idea what I was thinking. No harm done and it helped me survive those moments.