Tuesday, December 30, 2008

A little drama

She's fine. She's fine, but we had a rather traumatic day yesterday. I hardly slept because of bad dreams. I thought about whether I should blog about it and if I did how I should start . . .

Our bad luck hasn't run out in terms of babies . . .

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As she reached up to me from the x-ray table - her eyes pleading with me to make it all better - I wondered why she trusted me. Did she think I was her mother? I am nothing but a fraud.

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Fraud, fake, failure . . .

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"It's not about you." That's what Brad would say when I looked to him for comfort.

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She is so brave. After 11 hours, no nap, 4 hours past her bed time, 3 painful trips in a car - crying out each time we went over a bump, waiting rooms and x-rays; she was still smiling occasionally and babbling.

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I didn't realize I still felt so vulnerable in my role as a mother. It brought back so many feelings about my inability to keep Ernest safe. In my many bad dreams reliving the event, I kept mixing up their names. "I'm sorry LB." "I'm sorry Ernest.

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"Maybe you will be more careful next time," were Brad's words to me while he tried (and failed) to comfort me.

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She acted fine. She talked, she smiled. But then we would touch her just the wrong way or move her just so and she would cry out again and would be inconsolable for a few minutes. We couldn't figure out where she hurt. I was afraid to touch her.

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In the end it was fairly trivial. I few moments inattention and I could have slipped on the ice while carrying her, ( at a later age) she could have walked out in the street and gotten hit by a car or been snatched by a pedophile or pulled a pot of boiling water on herself. I'm thankful for that. I just still feel so horrible. I know, it isn't about me.

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I promised myself I wouldn't be over protective. I often felt stifled growing up. I want LB to feel safe in exploring the world. I wonder how this will change me.

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Her pediatrician kept assuring me I did nothing wrong. That I had, in fact, did everything right. I trusted my instincts. I took her in. I took her back when we didn't find what was wrong the first time. "I can't tell you how many parents find out their children can roll over when they fall out of bed." It is just a fluke, it is really rare to fall only two feet onto carpet and break such a large bone.

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LB broke her femur yesterday. We will be going to Shriner's Hospital some time today to get a pediatric orthopedist to cast her. I am assured she will heal quickly and with no long term consequences. She will catch up with her motor skills amazingly fast. It will be fine, I'm sure, but right now it feels horrible.

19 comments:

mo*reezy said...

OH MY GOSH! I can completely understand your feelings... and I want to assure you that you are NOT a fraud, fake, or failure. I also hope this is the worst thing that EVER happens to LB in her whole life.

She is your heart beating on the outside of your body - of course it's partly about you! **HUG**

Miss Conception said...

Oh my goodness!! I am so sorry to hear about all of this and sorry to hear that you are feeling so badly about it. I am not a parent, but I know that there are so many things that are completely out of your control. It is so hard to know all the dangers that there are. One of my friends noticed that her baby's finger was turning blue and had no idea why. When she brought him to emergency, she learned that one of her long hairs had wrapped itself so tightly around his finger that it was cutting off the circulation. How could she possibly be responsible for that?
I hope she heals well and quickly.

Mrs. Spit said...

Oh love, that really sucks. I'm glad that she's going to be ok.

Summer said...

I can't imagine how scary it was for you.

From her pediatrician's comment, it seems this broken bone will, in the long run, be more traumatic for you than LB.

I'm glad to hear there will be no long term damage and I hope LB will heal fast.

Sherry said...

HOLY COW! I am so sorry this happened to LB, and to you.

Thankfully it sounds like she is on her way to a quick recovery - after all, kids heal fast.

But please try not to take too much of it our on yourself - you are SO NOT a fraud, fake or failure. Not at ALL!

Take care of LB - and of you . . .

Familyoftwo said...

Oh no. Poor baby and poor mommy!

I hope you both heal from this quickly!

Lori said...

I held my breath the entire way through your post.

Exhale.

I certainly understand your feelings.

Hugs on a day I'm sure you could use them.

MrsSpock said...

It happens to the best of us. Really. I remember as a new nurse crying all night because a patient that had been well restrained wiggled loose while I was in the next room and pulled out her breathing tube. And now I worry and fret because J is standing and cruising now and he bonks his head so hard on the bookcase that he left a big dent.

It will happen again. And it won't be your fault that time either.

battynurse said...

Oh Kami,
I'm so sorry. You are not a fraud, a fake or a failure. Hang in there and hugs to you.

Fertilized said...

Kami, I am so sorry. This does not make you a failure or a fraud. You are a concerned, intelligent mother. Wishing you and LB a very quick recovery

Leah and Maya said...

And here I was trying to call you to tell you YES lets move south for the winter so that we don't have to shovel off our roof twice so that now our windows are all covered then have to dig them out. Definetly more traumatic for you then her kids get hurt and fall etc etc etc all the time she just landed wrong, I accidently let my nephew fall off his changing tabe because we were both so covered in sunscreen and the same thing could have happened. Life is very scary and I'm with you on stressing aobut everything and how can you possibly kept them safe, its very overwhelming, and I didn't want to be like my grandma, but after we work so dang hard it makes you even worse about realizing what the loss would mean. A fear of loosing LB is a real one, but being able to protect her all her life is not realistic and will make her want to be more crazy, so we can talk later and give eachother therapy so our children don't grow up being the crazy girls. My niece also broke her femur as a baby when she was suppose to be getting int he ergopack, she's great and fine. More traumatic for you, she loves you unconditionally and trusts you to DO YOUR BEST, thats all you can do.

tickintime said...

I was on pins and needles the entire post. I'm glad to hear you and LB are fine.

You are a great mom and always will be in LB's eyes.

katedaphne said...

Oh no! Poor LB and poor Kami! But it's not your fault. You're a great mom. Life happens, that's all. Be comforted knowing that you'll remember this long after the little one has completely forgotten....

Jill said...

oh gosh Kami - I can totally understand why you are freaked out. I can freak myself out over the "what ifs" so easily. It isnt' your fault. Kids fall out of beds. In fact, my friend's pediatrician asked at her 6 month appointment "so, has she fallen off the bed yet??" - so it's pretty common. Not that it helps you feel better, but try not to beat yourself up.

Kids bounce back from broken bones SOOOOO fast. A friend on FF with a kid Ben's age has broken both arms already. And he's fine. I think it will be more traumatic for you than for her. Give her extra kisses and give yourself extra love too.

Julia said...

Oh, this must've been horrible. I am so sorry.
But I am so glad she is fine, and will be all better.

sarah said...

Oh Kami! How frightening!
In 1984, before the strict car seat laws, my asshole brother-in-law talked my sister (of extreme fecudity [7 children]) into holding their crying daugther on her lap while he drove, and then, he rearended someone, and my niece broke her femur. She healed extremeley quickly,and has never had a problem with it.
It really sucks that infertility is sucha trauma because when something trauamtic happens, it just stirs up all the old trauma links in our brains.

Leslee said...

I'm so sorry about all of this. I'm so glad she's doing okay. She's a trooper!

Frenchie said...

Kami,
I am late coming to this post--I am sorry that must have been so traumatic (for all of you!). So glad she's going to be ok.

midlife mommy said...

I am so sorry that I'm so far behind in my reading that I wasn't here to give you a great big hug. Stuff happens. In an instant. And it's not your fault. My husband looked a way for a second, and my daughter fell down the stairs (fortunately they were padded and carpeted). Apparently, she thought she could fly. Fortunately, no injury, but my friend's little girl (same age) did the same thing and broke her arm. Another time, I stepped away for just one teeny tiny second, and my daughter threw herself off the couch (Lord knows why -- maybe that flying thing?). She bruised her face, but she screamed so hard and long that the cat started attacking me because he thought I was trying to hurt her. Long way of saying, please, please don't blame yourself. Hugs!