Monday, April 20, 2009

What if?

On Saturday I took LB for a bike ride. It was a nice ride along the river and we stopped a couple of times to take in the sites: the flood gates open on the damn, the geese and ducks, dropping rocks into the river. On the way back she was fussy so we stopped to nurse her a bit. She fell asleep so I sat along the river holding while she took a little cat nap.

All very nice moments. But the perfect moment happened before we even started the trip. I decided at that last second that she ought to be wearing socks after all. I grabbed a pair of socks, sat down next to her on the floor, scooped her up to put her in my lap and as her weight settled onto me I thought, not for the first time, how incredibly lucky I am to get to have this experience. Something so simple as putting on a child's socks yet so magical.

I wonder, what if having children happened easily for us? Would I have appreciated these every day, ordinary moments? Although I hate to admit it, I don't know that I would have. I am sure I wouldn't have thought of it in terms of being lucky, because of course we wanted children therefore we would have children.

I am not say that it was all worth it, but it is a small gem. And right now, as I type this, I am remembering how awful it felt to wonder if I was ever going to get to parent or if I would run out of money or energy or options before we got our Someday Baby. For all of you still in that space, my thoughts are with you.

11 comments:

katedaphne said...

Kami, I love this post.

I wouldn't choose this struggle. But I do feel it has given me resources that will be very valuable as a parent -- more understanding, more patience, more insight, And, as you point out, more capacity for joy in the small things.

In the pile of CRAP that is IF, at least there is this.

Lori said...

Yes, I believe that the struggle helps me to notice the magic in the unremarkable moments.

This is beautiful, Kami. I can feel how it felt for you that moment.

Lorraine said...

The struggle for another child has definitely made my appreciation for my daughter so much deeper.

I wonder if it would have made much difference to me in the doldrums of the toddler years? I remember being overwhelmed with love and gratitude, but also plagued with exhaustion, frustration and boredom. I do wonder if, should I ever have another child, I would be grateful enough to appreciate the things that used to bother me?

Hmmm.....

Parenthood For Me said...

I wrote about something like this last week. Every moment is special b/c of all the heartache involved with becoming a parent. You should visit my blog and read
"What I Though I Couldn't Have"

Leah said...

I know how you feel. I suspect that I revel, bask and drink in much more of the small moments with my children since I had to work so hard for them. I loved your description about the socks, I've truly been there. :-)

Leah and Maya said...

It does make you stop and not take things for granted at times that is for sure, its just wonderful to wrap your arms around them and realize they are really here and yours.

Peeveme said...

Yes. I feel I am more appreciative and better mother becasue of the struggles I have gone through.

I still love putter on her socks (and then her pulling them right off).

It makes me wonder what I take for granted that other people who have struggled don't. My health? Straight teeth? Clean water?

singletracey said...

That was sweet. I am still in the space.. I can't wait to climb out of here....

Me said...

I am not a particularly patient person. I have never romanticized parenthood... and yet, I think there is the potential that, should we be successful on our quest, the quest itself may increase the potential for me to be grateful for those little things. Not sure if that sentence made sense or not and I'm too tired to check. Hopefully you got the gist. :)

Panamahat said...

Thank you. :-)

Smiling said...

great post... thanks for thinking of us who are still waiting, and yeah I treasure helping other people's kids because of my infertility more than I ever would have if I hadn't known how hard the road could be