Wednesday, August 4, 2010

PTSD, Vanity And Miscelaney

Somewhere in a post before the birth of LB back in June of 2008, I posted about being afraid I wouldn't be able to take pride in our DE child(ren).  Given my belief that we are mostly who we are programmed to be, I thought I might feel a bit removed when someone compliments my child(ren).  For the most part, that has turned out not to be true.  I still feel a bit odd when someone makes a comment like, "You make beautiful children."  My mental answer is, "Uh, that's not really me, but thanks anyway."  Usually, however, I just glow with pride. 

Maybe I am vain, but I guess I do take some credit for who they are.  Or maybe I just enjoy seeing other people appreciate and/or enjoy what I appreciate and enjoy so much.  I still think the kids are who they are and while I hope to be an influential guide, in the end I am just a guide.  The good thing is that seems to be more than enough.  I may have felt differently had they been of my genes as well but I don't believe that to be the case.  

It is on my mind today because I took the girls to the clinic where they were conceived to drop off brochures*.  It was fun showing them off.  LB even did her imitation of By.once's Ladies (well, the first couple of lines and if you didn't know what to look / listen for you would never know; but I love it).  While I really enjoyed seeing a couple of the people who helped bring about these two little loves of my life, going back to the clinic triggered a strong negative reaction.  I hoped I was sufficiently over it by now, but as I turned up the hill that heads to the clinic, my heart started racing and my palms got sweaty.  Once I was inside and committed and wasn't waiting for a blood draw and u/s, I relaxed a bit; but several hours later I am still feeling the effects.  (Or maybe it is the mocha I had for breakfast.  Don't "tsk tsk" me.  Brad is leaving for 2 days and LBII was up a lot last night.  I needed it.)

I wonder when these things will get easier.  At least I only stop by the clinic a few times a year to drop off brochures and I could always mail them in.  I would say the bigger issues are things like going to the park.  Am I the only one who goes to the park early to avoid the fertiles?   LB loves to see other kids so there is the tension between wanting to flee when fertiles show up for my sake and wanting to stay for LB's.  It never seems to fail - especially on the days I am doing well - I will overhear some parent being a complete a$$ to his/her child or talking on a cell phone the entire time or just plain producing ugly children.  No, I am not very charitable to the more fertile of our society although I make exceptions for the people I know personally.

I am sure I have said it before . . . "I'm not bitter, I am consumed with hate."  I am kidding.  Mostly.

In other news, I hurt my back the other day lunging for LBII who was about to do a face plant onto the patio.  I have never been in so much pain.  I ended up calling a babysitter to watch the girls while Brad took me to the ER for some meds.  I won't tell you how I almost made the trip in an ambulance because I couldn't figure out how to get off the floor. 

I made sure I got meds that were safe(ish) with breastfeeding, but I was so loopy afterwords I was glad Brad picked up a bottle and formula so I could sleep through the night.  As fate would have it, by the time I got back home and in bed I was wide awake again.  I swear, if the pain was an 8 when I went in, it was still a 7 with the pain meds and muscle relaxant.  Fortunately, 8 days, one deep tissue massage and two cranial-sacral massages later and I am 80% better.  I only took the meds for a day, but I am keeping the rest in case it happens again.  I am also going to start working on my core strength a little more diligently.

To end on a happy note, LB has started singing.  Can I say how much I enjoy belting out "Let's Go Fly A Kite" from Mary Poppins with our little one?  Good times.

*Local PSA:  I host a peer to peer infertility support group.  If you are in the area - Spokane, Eastern Washington, Northern Idaho - and are interested please email me at  We have a pretty active group right now and meet once a month in the evening and lately once a month during a week day.  If you are in infertility hell and don't want to talk with people who are currently parenting - I understand and will do my best to get you together with one or more of our ladies currently trying to conceive / adopt their first child.


LisainSK said...

Hey Kami,

I just love reading your posts about your thoughts on the "aftermath" of IF. I often wonder how I'll respond or think to such questions or if I'll ever feel part of the "mommy club" because it took another lady's DNA to have our baby (if we're that lucky). But I find your blogs prepare me for life after and that it sounds like IF will always play a part in our lives. So sorry your back is in cahoots...have you ever tried a chiropractor? I find they help immensely. I've also had back surgery before in my teens (trampoline accident) and I find that if my core is weak then my back goes good luck on those core exercises...ugh?!

Sara said...

I feel the same way when someone compliments Eggbert. I mean, Eggbert IS awesome, but I don't really feel like that's something I did. It's just who she is, even though technically my genes were involved.

A couple of weeks ago, when I was in Korea, we took the Egg to the doctor. The doctor looked at her for a long time, said "she's beautiful," and then examined dh's face and my face, and said "you're lucky." It was embarrassingly clear that his point was that she is way more attractive than either of her parents (definitely true of me, although dh is pretty darn good-looking).

I can understand how the RE could bring back painful and disorienting feelings. Even thinking about the RE upsets me these days.

battynurse said...

Hurting your back sucks. I hope it gets better soon.

Tracy said...

Hope your back is better soon...

My perspective is probably a bit different re: DE, but it's influenced by a deep love for my stepsister. When we were growing up, and even sometimes now, people will say (not knowing she's a "step"), "you and your sister really look a lot alike" or, "you and your sister sure are similar." We have always, ALWAYS, just said, "thank you." And smiled to ourselves. It pleases us, regardless of our lack of shared genetics. In spite of...

So when somebody says that my kids look like me, or they are adorable, or they are so smart because they have smart parents, I just say "thank you." And while they don't share my genetics, my body did serve to "flip the switch" on their genetic code(I've done a lot of reading about genetic studies being done, and they're learning a lot more about this subject; if you aren't looking into it, you may find it of interest,) and it grew them from scratch with just a wee bit of help in the beginning. For me, that's more than good enough.

And you can bet that when LB sings a song from Mary Poppins, that is ALL YOU.

Leah and Maya said...

Had a wonderful time yesterday! yay summer!
PTSD, I tell you its forever!
so far only one person has evern thought Maya was genetically mine so I don't have the same issues as you when it comes to that.
I loved the Singles Ladies dancing and singing!

Frenchie said...

Very interesting post, Kami, as usual. I think a lot of us "on the other side" DO suffer from IF PTSD--no joke.

Bee Cee said...

Ive had the same feelings about people saying things like "isn't he gorgeous". I must admit I'm gettingore used to it and even started to feel proud that I have had some hand in the way he's turned out. When I look at his chubby cheeks and legs I'm proud that I've managed to feed him myself since he was conceived. I guess I'm surprised how comfortable I'm starting to feel, and that feels great.