Males do influence baby's health

Here is an interesting article on the influence of a father's health in relation to the child. It's kind of a scary read for those of us with known male factor issues. Are we still at an increased risk of having a special needs child? Sometimes I get so wrapped up in having a live baby, I forget that living does not equal healthy.

It is kind of long, but I encourage you to read it. As a teaser: One of the amazing studies shows that a male mouse can be damaged in utero by an environmental contaminate in a way that doesn't damage the genes, but changes which ones are turned off or turned on. This has been shown to then affect that male's offspring to at least 3 generations.

The article is supposed to be protected for subscribers only, but I didn't sign in and I still got it. Please let me know if you can't access the article and I will post it here.

Positives and Negatives

The best news today is that Brad will be home in just a few hours! Yeah!!! It wasn't looking very good for a bit as his flight was delayed to the point where he would miss his connecting flight and the next one out wasn't until tomorrow afternoon. Fortunately United booked him on a NWA flight only to have a miscommunication between airlines so that he had to trek back and forth between check-in counters six times (about 5 minute brisk walk apart) before things gotten straitened out. He got through security as fast as he could and got to the gate just in time to board. Phew!

I am so happy about him making it home tonight, it doesn't seem right to go into the negative experience of my second prenatal yoga class. I'm going to anyway - maybe I will enjoy venting a bit. The short story is that it is extremely unlikely I will go back. I don't blame the instructor or the people in the class. They are just in a different point than I am and as Pamela Jeanne so beautifully pointed out in a recent post - it is easier to be happy with how things are when you aren't reminded about how you wished them to be.

I would like to tell this story by a dialog between me and the instructor. Actually it is the instructor talking about birth and me responding, but only in my mind.

Inst: During active labor, every (emphasis mine) woman will create a ritual that she does during each contraction.

Me: Actually, some of us will be talking to a neonatologist trying to figure out what to do when our baby is born.

Inst: Nursing is a learning curve for both you and your baby. Don't be surprised if it takes some practice and don't be worried if it takes a little bit for your milk to come in.

Me: What do you suggest if your milk comes in, but there is no baby to drink it?

Inst: Studies show that episiotomies aren't necessary. If you don't want one, you should talk to your OB now about her practices.

Me: Are these women really so ignorant about birth and accepted practices? When it comes to labor and delivery, is this really one of the bigger issues on their minds? Ah, if only I was so innocent again.

Inst: This is a good move for when you become overwhelmed during labor.

Me: Overwhelmed? With labor? It might last a day, a week? Let met tell you about being overwhelmed! Try being overwhelmed with the prospect of never having a baby. Let me tell you about be overwhelmed financially! How about years of infertility?! That is overwhelming. As long as I get a live baby out of it, I can survive anything labor and delivery can throw at me.

I will admit that I was not in the best place emotionally during this class. My last thought may have been a bit of an exaggeration because I know I will be very disappointed if I don't have a home birth, but in that moment I just felt like I was the only one in the room who truly understood that babies die and there may not be the opportunity for another. I felt very, very alone. The good news is that I have learned some moves that I can do on my own and I don't need to ever go back.

Back to a positive story, please read this post by StaceyB who recently gave birth to her daughter who was conceived with donated eggs. From someone who probably worries too much about how I will feel when this baby is born, it was a beautiful and reassuring post to read. I just love the last line. I think I have read it half a dozen times and it still brings (happy) tears to my eyes.

Another milestone

I went to my first prenatal yoga class last Friday. I realized after my last midwifery appointment that I felt comfortable enough with this pregnancy to be in a class full of pregnant fertiles. By "comfortable" I mean that I was feeling comfortable in my own skin. I was feeling . . . 'confident' might be the right word. So much of this pregnancy I have felt like a fraud or a failure as if I cheated to get here. I kind of did cheat, I guess, but I think most of you will know what I mean.

I'm glad I went - physically it felt great, but it was not without its challenges. On the way there I was very nervous. I felt like I was driving to the RE's to get an antral follicle count or a beta. So many things are made harder by infertility. I bet I was the only one going to class that day who was so afraid of the feelings that might be triggered that she was crying. Can I interject an "It's not fair!" here? Trying to parent with infertility is hard enough on it's own, why does it need to bleed into so many other aspects of our lives?

The last time I went to this yoga class (the only prenatal yoga of any quality I have found in Spokane) I was in labor with Ernest although I didn't know it yet. Going back definitely stirred up feelings of that loss. When I realized that was over three years ago, I started to feel inferior again to those people who get pregnant easily. Comically, even though I was walking into a prenatal yoga class with a snug t-shirt on, I tried to hold my tummy in like I wasn't pregnant. "Not me, nope . . . I'm just here to check the schedule. Yeah, that's it."

I walked in, faking as much confidence as I could. Imagine my surprise when I discovered the class that was finishing was a post-natal yoga class - each mother with her newborn. I wasn't quite prepared for that. It was a class I often imagined taking with Ernest and wondered afterward why they didn't have a post-natal class with mothers of dead babies. If anyone needs to get in shape in a hurry and quiet the mind, it is those of us who give birth but don't take home a baby. I quickly exited for a bit to recollect myself and decided I would wait until most of that classes participants made their way out the door.

After that, there were only two moments that were particularly difficult. One was right at the beginning as we breathed. As I relaxed my body, the tears started flowing. Since everyone was supposed to have their eyes closed, I let them go. I think I have gotten so used to crying, I no longer care so much if someone happens to notice. If it seems like it might be helpful in that moment, why not cry? I dried my tears quickly when we were instructed to open our eyes again.

The rest went pretty well. I tried to focus on my breath and kept my eyes closed quite a bit - no need to look around and see all of those pregnant ladies. We did a lot of stretching type exercises and it all felt very good. At the end she had us place one hand on our heart and one on our baby and breathe - connecting our life force to that of the baby. This is the second time I cried in class.

If any of you used the Yoga 4 Fertility dvd, you know that this is how she ends the yoga session. By connecting these "two energy centers" you are hopefully improving your fertility. I followed this religiously at least three times a week for over a year. I tried got grow healthier embryos. After a transfer I imagined sending lots of energy to the embryos I hoped would implant and be healthy. During my last failed pregnancy with my eggs, I sent that baby lots of energy. Suddenly, mimicking those same movements, I felt the loss of every single one of those 37 embryos Brad and I produced. I tried so hard, but I wasn't able to save even one of them. After that, I couldn't wait to get out of class. I got into the car and sobbed for a few minutes. It was over quickly and I think I needed the release after sucking it up for 90 minutes.

In the end, I think the physical part felt great and I have hopes that the mental part will get easier so I plan on going back this week. If it doesn't get easier, I will stop going and doing it on my own. I am not going to torture myself emotionally for something I won't need to deal with long term.

Nothing else eventful going on. I still feel regular movement from Little Butterfly which I continue to enjoy. Our next OB appointment isn't until a week from Friday. Brad is out of town this week (in Turks and Caicos without me!) and I have been missing him terribly. Fair or not, I have come to depend on him to keep reminding me that everything is going to be ok.

Is it healthy?

Today was the first really nice day this year. To celebrate, I went for my first bike ride on my new Novara Rondenee bike. Instead of getting the kid trailer I got a new bike. Hey, I need a new bike to pull the trailer! It was actually Brad's idea and I have been riding a 16 year old mountain bike as a commuter bike for the last 7 years. I wouldn't call myself an avid biker, but I ride to work around 3 times a week so I think it will get a lot of use. Plus I hope to take LB for rides soon (look at me . . . planning for the future!)

The ride was wonderful. It made me feel more like my old self. It was a bit awkward, both because of the different feel of this bike, but also because of the way my body feels differently. I can tell I have less energy and not just because of the pregnancy - I am just not that active in the winter. But it was still just so much fun!

As I was riding and realizing how much fun I was having I thought, "Hmmm . . . maybe I will blog about this." I started composing the blog in my mind. Then I realized, instead of enjoying the moment I was telling a story about the moment. "Craziness!", I told myself and brought my attention back to the feel of the wind, the view going by, the people I would pass and say "hi" to. I wondered if one or more of those people was trying to conceive and here I am with a pregnant belly - not only disturbing their quiet walk, but also shouting a friendly, "Hello!" "Hmmm . . . maybe I should blog about this" and off my mind went.

Back to the bike ride, Kami! "I know, I will start a personal journal again, then I will not feel like everything I do is a story to be told." And I started mentally composing a blog about how I will stop thinking about blogging.

Does anyone else do that?

For now, I haven't started a personal journal and I was able to mostly get my mind back to the moment. It was a very nice ride.

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Before I delay even further, check out the icon below for a very cool idea. Or just go to these ebay sites: US and UK and buy something. All proceeds will go to help pay for fertility treatments for a well deserving person or couple. This time around the money is going to Calliope for a frozen embryo transfer.





Take Back the U.T.E.R.U.S.

Want to donate an item? You can go here.

Dirt Cookies and Mental Meandering

It's not that I need a reason to get a poor night's sleep these, but last night it was dirt cookies that kept me awake. The link goes to an article about Haiti's poor surviving on "food" of yellow clay, salt and shortening. "Surviving" might be too strong of a word here. It kills hunger pangs and little more. Their small island can't sustain their population so they import much of their food and with rising costs due to fuel prices and items like corn now being used for biofuels, the basic staples are now out of reach for many.

All night long, I wondered what it would be like to eat dirt cookies. What if I was pregnant there? Here I worry about getting enough protein, fruits and vegetables. "I really need to eat more leafy greens", I tell myself. Even when I complain that I am "STARVING!" I am only a few hours passed my last meal. I laid in bed and thought how incredibly fortunate I am to have our tiny little house, with a yard to grow my own veggies if I like and enough money and resources that I am likely never to go hungry.

I wondered what we could do to help alleviate the situation in Haiti. We have spent, last I noticed, 517 billion on Iraq. How much less it would cost to feed a small nation. But that isn't a very good long term solution. Perhaps they could learn to be more independent. What if they could grow enough of their own food? The simple answer is that their population is too big for their environment. Maybe we should do nothing and let nature "self correct". It is in many ways an awful thought and it got me thinking about the world as a whole. In The Gambia, there are more people than the country can sustain. Wealthier countries and private organizations have flooded this tiny country with NGO's (non-government organizations). They are given food and immunizations. As a result, more children survive into adulthood. There are more mouths to feed and not more land to produce it. Should we be sending birth control instead of vaccinations? Perhaps we could send industry so people could get descent jobs and improve their own financial situation. Perhaps they would discover that having less children could be a good thing.

With more money (and less children), they could improve their own standard of living. They could eat more meat, buy computers and cell phones, maybe even their own cars. They could start living the good life like we do in developed countries. They could follow in China's foot steps. How quickly would that send the whole world into crisis? Surely, our planet cannot support everyone living the way we do in the US. Imagine the pollution and depleted oceans and rising cost of resources if everyone consumed like we do.

What do we do? There are 6 billion people on this planet. For a random comparison, there are around 150,000 chimpanzees - down from a population of over 1 million. We can't make space for a few hundred thousand extra of just one other species, but humanity can fill every nook and cranny. If anything covered the Earth like we do, we would be in a panic to exterminate it as fast as we could. Covering the planet is not enough. We alter and shape it's ecosystems all over the world too. One person with a bull dozer can change the earth more in a day than entire armies could do centuries ago. What are the lasting effects of one woman taking birth control pills and flushing the part her body doesn't use into our water supply? What about one person keeping his yard perfectly green with just one species by using copious amounts of herbicides, pesticides and fertilizer?

Take those things and multiply it by six billion. That is a thousand millions. How do we get our minds around the impact we have? How do we come together and declare that enough is enough? What if we decided to have a zero or negative population growth? I understand that economies don't do well if there isn't constant growth - heck, we measure the strength of our economy on new home starts. How much more growth can we take?

I recently heard the last two hundred years described as the "Fraternity Years" of our society. We developed all these new technologies - eagerly opening new box after new box and throwing it's contents over our shoulder. The concern wasn't "What is the impact?", but rather, "Oooo! What can we do with this?". It is a hopeful term, in my opinion, because it implies that we will eventually grow up. Personally, I don't see anything changing soon. The powerful get there by doing whatever it takes - and they will use up the world if we let them. We let them because we just aren't that uncomfortable. My fear is that by the time we are willing to trade in our SUV's, 2000 square foot homes and watermelon anytime of the year, the Earth and the humans living on it will be in very sad shape.

Midwife appt # 5: 30 weeks and 5 days

I believe I am starting to get into the routine of things and feeling more comfortable with my identity as a pregnant lady. Last night as I chatted with Cathy (my midwife) I realized I often would sit with my hands on my belly so I could feel the movement in my hands as well as in my body. It was nice to feel a little bit normal in my pregnancy instead of feeling like I don't belong in this sub group.

I still take care not to do the public belly rub thing or behave in ways that might look like I am bragging or showing off my belly. Often I will ask Brad, "Does this shirt look too tight? Does it look like I am showing off?" I also try to wear short or 3/4 length sleeves or otherwise try to expose my Infertility Awareness Bracelet. I doubt there are many people in the area the know what it means, but at least I feel I am doing all I can.

In the comfort of my own home, I will indulge. I may have said this before, but I once had someone say to me, "Oh, I am sooo tired. The baby was moving all night and I couldn't sleep." I can tell you that I still relish every single movement. When the baby is moving at night, I pause to enjoy it. I would gladly lay awake in bed for hours just feeling LB doing whatever it is she does in there. I don't ever want to get used to this feeling. I want it to always be special. Last night, talking to Cathy, I was just sitting there happy to be where I was at.

Soon we got to the meat of the visit. Brad and I got to feel the baby's head, but this time we could feel the back and the rump as well. I really had to push hard to feel the back, so I don't feel comfortable doing it without the midwife. Maybe that will change as time goes on.

Cathy checked for the heartbeat and it sounded good. I asked her if she actually counted the beats and she said that she has a feel for the rhythm. If it doesn't seem quite right then she will actually count/time the beats. So everything is still looking good.

Cathy asked if I have been having any swelling and I haven't had anything to complain about. She asked how I was sleeping and that answer continues to be not very well. I still have nightmares or at least less-than-pleasant vivid dreams every night. I have learned to cope by napping on my lunch break and sleeping all I want on the weekend. I am surviving and I don't really expect it to improve anytime in the near future.

All is well. We will see Dr. Wonderful in just over two weeks and we continue to feel hopeful. We are still not so hopeful that we are willing to bring anything baby related into the house and we rarely discuss names. As far as I am concerned "Little Butterfly" will work just fine between birth and when we come up with a name. I have thought we might have a Naming Ceremony like they do in The Gambia where I was a Peace Corps Volunteer. (typically when the child is one week old - Don't worry, LB, we won't shave your head). We have also asked friends not to plan any baby showers until after LB is born. We may change our minds on these things, I suppose. In the meantime, we are taking it one day at a time and are content to enjoy today.

29 weeks 5 days: Still pregnant and still emotional

At least I seem to be at a new stage of emotional. Now, instead of just crying over the past, I cry about the future too.

I still have those moments when I am just sad for what we have been through. I still feel the pain of the years, multiple failed cycles, the pregnancies that almost made us parents, and the loss of my genetic connection. It seems that I am less often sad about using donor eggs than I have been, but that might be because I feel the need to suck it up with that very DE baby moving around all the time (can I say I continue to relish each and every movement?!).

As for the past, the letting go letter to my genetic baby I mentioned some months ago . . . still not done. I composed parts of it in my head which probably helped, but then I decided to take Niobe's advice (I think it was her) about some dreams not really going away. While I was doing all those IVF cycles, I imagined our Someday Baby(ies) off to the west (toward our clinic) existing in a parallel universe. While we had embryos growing, the connection would be stronger and when those embryos died they would be more completely in the parallel universe and less here in our universe, but we were still connected. I decided I like them hanging out there. I don't want to let them go. I don't think they will ever be fully in my universe, but this way we are still connected at some level. I can still acknowledge those 36 embryos and one baby who just didn't live long enough. I know it sounds crazy. It is really just head games because I don't believe in a spiritual realm or in life after death. But it makes me feel better and that is good enough for me.

I now also cry about the future. Why? Because I can almost believe in that baby being in our arms soon. More and more often little details pop into my mind and it is so overwhelmingly beautiful the tears just burst out. While Brad and I were looking at bike trailers last weekend, Brad was digging around in one, pointed out a little mesh pocket and matter-of-factly said, "LB's toys can go in here . . . " Suddenly I am in a busy REI trying not to completely lose it. Imagine! Us. With a baby! A baby with toys!!! Even now I am tearing up. Such hope! Such promise! Please, LB, stay alive and be healthy.

It continues to be an emotional roller coaster, but at least right now I can blame pregnancy hormones. I am looking forward to the day when I start to feel more like myself again. I imagine being happy in a way I haven't been in many years. Do you think it could be that good (assuming this pregnancy works out) or do you think I am fooling myself? I have told myself over the last couple of years that I can't expect a child to make me happy - that is my responsibility not a brand new baby's. Yet, isn't it easier to be happy when life is working out closer to the way you want it to? I think it is.

Something I have been meaning to do

As many of you know, A.M.S at Our Own Creation has recently lost both of her children after they were born too soon. Lennox passed fairly quickly while little Zoë fought for many weeks.

In their honor, I have added a link to my sidebar. Click on the "Sweet Zoë" link and learn how you can help fund research into caring for premature babies.

I wish there was more I could do for all those who are dealing with loss right now.