Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Still Kicking!

I am still here - just having trouble finding the time to blog. LB keeps me busy (and sleepy!) and work has been crazy. Not that I blog while working! No, of course not. Sheesh.

LBII seems to be going strong. I continue to plump up all too fast. Currently debating whether or not to get H1N1 vaccine - have decided each way multiple times. Continue to be more relaxed and expectant this pregnancy. Also still debating to quit my job or not . . . leaning toward not right now, but we will decide during my unpaid leave. Assuming, of course, we get a live baby out of this.

In LB news - she is at such a fun age. She uses more words every day and is constantly exploring. Right now I have a few minutes to blog because she is carefully opening the dog food container, getting a "scoop" (or about 2 tablespoons) and putting it in the dog's bowl. It is driving poor Ender, the dog (currently locked outside), mad with desire.

Bad infertile confession: I caught myself saying something in public I always try to only say in private. It was a lighthearted tone, but still would be offensive, I think, to a fellow infertile. After delightfully chasing LB around a department store, I joked to my mother, "I wish I had a five point harness!" Of course, there are times when I do want to tie her down for a few minutes, but people who don't know me also don't how grateful I am to have the opportunity to chase a little one around. I don't want to forget how something so casual can sting to someone in a different place on the trying to conceive journey.

That's it for now. Hopefully soon I will have a chance to post some of the things I have stirring around in my head. Until then I hope all of those still trying to have a child will find some peace during the difficult holiday season.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Thoughts On My Mind

Just some random bullet points because I haven't updated in a bit and I just don't seem to have much time.
  • Work. Ug. It has been overwhelmingly busy and I am feeling burned out. I have been in tears twice this week (thankfully, I work from home). No doubt some of that is hormones. I have as many open issues and my high performing coworkers who work twice the number of hours. I am not providing our customers with the level of support I think is adequate and it stresses me out. I have talked to my manager and we are trying to free up some of my time, but the thought keeps crossing my mind: Should I quit?
  • Budget / spending wise I can't afford to quit unless we do something more drastic like refinance our house and incorporate those outstanding fertility treatment bills (now on low interest credit cards).
  • Healthcare: Why is it the experts who talk about what works and doesn't work in terms of our current healthcare system seem and healthcare systems in general seem to live in a completely different world than our politicians who are charged with fixing the mess? do these people not talk to each other? Sure, politicians have to worry about the financial cost when the big idea people don't - but compare the cost to the Iraq war. Dear politicians: Do what is right not what gets you financial support.
  • Eating habits are still poor. I am addicted to my 10:00 am junk food. Yesterday was a wake up call - I am only 10 pounds from where I was when I delivered LB and LBII needs to cook for another 18 weeks. I also got a haircut - 30 minutes looking at my chubby face. Must. Do. Better.
  • As all parents, I worry about LB's development. With IVF and ICSI and DE I wonder about all the 'unnatural' influences. She doesn't have as many verbal words as I thought she would by now (16.5 months and 5? words). Then I realized she was signing two word sentences like "Where daddy" or "Where phone" or "More cheese". Of course, it really shouldn't matter. She is who she is and I need to remember and live that thought.
  • The EC (elimination communication) is going well. She almost always signs when she has to go number 2. She normally doesn't sign when she has to go #1 until she is the middle of going. Still, we offer the potty enough during the day that when we are home she wears panties and no diaper. Sometimes she will refuse the potty and then we have a 'miss' a few minutes later, but I suppose that is all part of the learning process.
  • We got LB some foam blocks. I find them so relaxing. It is a chance to be peaceful and creative. That is until Babyzilla comes by with a "Woah ho ho!" and knocks them all down. Good times.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Not Quite Letting Go

When I made my plan, it never really occurred to me that we would be successful with our FET. It was easy to decide "if it works, I will say good bye to my genetic baby forever". Of course, that was logical too since trying with my own eggs was even more unlikely to work. I knew at some point I really, once and for all, needed to completely let go of having my genetic child.

Oh, but I was excited and hopeful! For the first time in nearly two years I stopped saying (when one of my sisters was making my crazy), "Here I am, the pick of the litter and I didn't get to breed." I started saying (with an internal smile), "Here I am, the pick of the litter and I might yet get to breed."

They were good, hopeful times. I put the word out that I was looking for any left over meds to help defray as much of my out of pocket expenses as possible. I got a couple of promises and some in my anxious little hands. I was even excited about cycling alongside Belinda, our donor. We would make it as hopeful, exciting and stress free as possible. Belinda was excited too. It was right, it would work and no one would have to get nailed to anything!* I enjoyed that thought for 39 days.

Then came the positive pregnancy test on the FET.

I was and still am very, very happy it worked. While it would have been nice to try again with my eggs, the most likely outcome is that I wouldn't have had any of my embryos grow into a healthy baby. There were of course no guarantees that a fresh cycle with Belinda's and any potential FET's would have worked for a sibling. I know I am fortunate not only in being successful (so far) but in saving quite of bit of time, money and stress. It is all good.

So why do I still have these in my fridge and why does it make me just a little bit sad every time I see them?

*From Douglass Adam's book So Long and Thanks for All the Fish

Monday, November 2, 2009

Perfect Moment Monday: Best Halloween Ever

Warning - this is a gushing kid post. Please carry on if you are not in the mood.

Sometimes the perfect moment is an ordinary moment you remember to appreciate and be present for. Sometimes the perfect moment is a dream come true.

I give you Halloween 2009:

LB fell asleep in the car just before we expected to go trick or treating. I couldn't wait for her to wake up, but let her sleep until she started to wake up a bit - about 45 minutes later. At the first sign of awareness, I started talking to her and when it was clear she was waking up and not just rolling over to go back to sleep, I scooped her up and started getting her into her customer

I was SO excited. "Oh, LB! Wait until you see what is in store for you! We are going trick or treating!! You are going to be a bee. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!" I went on and on - it was seriously pathetic - to the point that part of me wanted to be cautious - telling myself , "Don't be like your mom - expecting everything to be picture perfect and not enjoy it for what it is."

6:00 pm and we were off! LB dressed up as a bee with antenna on a headband, her little bucket in hand. Brad and I put with sunflower hoods on (get it? Bee? Flowers? tee hee hee). We went to the first house - she kind of got it. Second house - starting to notice a trend. Third house - people talk to me! I get to put stuff in my bucket (she has no idea what candy is)!

Soon she was into the swing of it. Even though she didn't like her headband antenna, she stopped to let us put it back on her before each house. She loved the attention and we soaked up how cute she was - loving every second.

LB continuously reminded us that it is about the journey and not the destination by insisting that she walk between houses like the other kids. Not only walk, but carry her own bucket which was getting increasingly heavy. Soon it bounced on the ground with each step. Brad and I spent about half the time enjoy her independence and about half the time scooping her up and carrying her despite her objections.

Toward the end she was signing "more" between houses. She started knocking on the door herself (not loud enough for anyone to hear her). She loved seeing the other kids who were all super nice and indulgent. One group of young teenage boys tried to get her to give them a high five or a pound. When one succeed he shouted, "I got one!" to the other boys. We trick or treated for an hour and a half and LB showed no signs of slowing down. Fortunately, she also didn't mind when we loaded her up into the car to go to a friend's house.

Oh, the weather was unusually warm too. In short, it was perfect. The next day, Brad and I decided it was the best Halloween either one of us had ever had.

For other people's perfect moments, go see Lori.