Hello LB! I think I'm ready!

I believe I am ready to have this baby. Things are feeling better and better. Oh, and the sun is out which is always a plus.

On the physical side, my blood pressure is staying below my OB's suggested danger zone. It was below 135/80 all week - including after my meltdown the other day. At my midwifery appointment yesterday it was 120/70 which has been my baseline through this pregnancy. I credit two acupuncture visits and one session with my hypnotherapist, my OB is convinced it is the bed rest and my midwife thinks the high readings were just flukes. I got a little carried away in my activity level yesterday and today it was 133/84 so we can throw a few bonus points toward my OB.

Little Butterfly continues to be active. Some times more than others, but always enough to convince me his little heart is still beating. I confess when I haven't noticed movement for awhile, I try to wake her up by pushing on her foot or her bottom or drinking some juice. When Cathy felt for his positioning yesterday, she said it was good and his head was engaged. I think he probably moves up and down which is not unusual (I understand) with second pregnancies.

On the emotional side, I think I have been improving as well. Three weeks ago when my OB said, "I would induce today" it really freaked me out because I realized I still had some fears and insecurities regarding having a DE baby. It was easy to convince myself everything would be ok - that I would bond and the genetic connection would no longer matter while it was in theory, but realizing I was about to find out if it would really be ok was another story.

Being the resourceful person I am, I immediately contracted the services of someone who could brainwash me into believing what I wanted to believe. I made an appointment with KJ, my hpynotherapist. To be fair, KJ would hate for me to describe it this way, but it kind of feels like it sometimes. KJ guided me through a meditation combined with acupressure where I visualized / felt the hurt and fear of this journey to parenthood, then we visualized healing, and then we visualized what I would choose to be the outcome. I had tears running down my face as I visualized LB being born and feeling only love and caring for this little one. There was no room in my heart for bitterness or pain or hurt. I didn't look for traits of Brad or Belinda - I just saw LB as LB. I put him to my breast and she looked at me while she nursed.

We have gotten together twice since then (who knew I still had enough time for 2 more appointments?) . In one session we talked about a realization I had about my relationship with my father. I think it speaks to how we can have programs running in our brains that we aren't even aware of. Anyone who has ever found herself saying or doing things that her parents did that she swore she never would, probably knows what I mean.

In a nutshell, my father was mostly absent from the later years of my childhood. He was physically there and I think he did the best he could, but because of his programming (very narcissistic) and a medical condition that left him sleeping a good amount of time, I never felt he took an interest in me. He did, however, brag about my good looks and my intelligence (Hey, this is my dad after all. I would admit to considering myself "above average", but then who doesn't think they are at least above average?). In my mind the only thing that gave him any right to take credit for these two aspects about my life was because half of my genes were from him.

When a friend recently described with pride how well his children were doing in school, my first thought was that I would never be able to take pride in LB's accomplishments. (My second was to wonder if anyone ought to take pride or credit for their children, but that is another post). This lead to my discussion with KJ and some visualizations where I created a "good dad" who loved me just for who I was and because I was his daughter - not for what he saw of himself in me.

I realize this might be psychobabble or as fuzzy as dream interpretation, but I felt better after the session and more confident that LB and I will bond.

Finally, at my last visit with my acupuncturist we did some points to induce. She said it would only work if my body was ready. When we spoke on the phone a couple of days later, I told her I didn't feel any different and it seemed like labor would still be at least a few days away. She commented that she felt some things had to happen for me first. "You need to get excited first," she gave as an example.

Blame it on sunnier, warmer days or more confidence in my body or some happy visualizations or perhaps the waxing moon; but I am excited.

A little perspective

Suddenly, my pity party evaporated in a puff of smoke.

I was actually doing better this morning, but had some residual "blues". I should know better than to go to bed sad since it often seems to lead to nightmares. Last night I dreamed that when you give birth to a DE baby, the baby is immediately placed in foster care until you can adopt it. The worst part is that my sister was trying to claim the baby as hers. "But I carried LB, I gave birth to LB - how can you take her?" "She isn't any more your baby than she is mine!", was her reply. But "Brad can prove he is the father and I am married to Brad!" Then I immediately started trying to call Brad to get him to come and prove he was the father with a DNA test. Except my sister had forwarded all phone lines to her phone. It was impossible to reach him. Then I woke up. I guess that is a reason for frequent night time trips to the bathroom.

This morning I read all the supportive comments on my blog. Once again, thank you so much for your understanding. Thanks for letting me vent and not telling me I am a horrible person or that I shouldn't compare myself to others. I know I shouldn't. I know we all carry some pain in our hearts. At that moment all I cared about was my pain.

At this moment I am so grateful for all that I have. I told you I would feel grateful soon, I just didn't know it would happen like a sudden sun break on a cloudy day.

As I often do, I followed my commenters back to their blogs and on The Clam came across a link to this blog, but it is probably better to start here.

I am so lucky to have such a wonderful husband, a house that is more than big enough, three "cuddle bunny" cats and a dog whom I never really liked in his puppy years, but now I think will make a great uncle to LB. Not to mention many good friends (IRL and via the internet) and some wonderful caregivers that have helped us along the way.

A post in which I cuss a lot.

Note: This is an ugly vent. It may offend some people, but I am not in the mood to apologize. If you don't like it, don't read it. And please, no comments about how I should be grateful. At another time, I will be, but not right now.

I just got back from picking Brad up at work. I sobbed all the way home. Let me tell you a story about a "fellow" infertile.

Brad and I used to work together. Brad still works at the same company. There was another couple trying to conceive at the same time we were. Lets call them Charles and Laurie. I used to work with Charles and while he could be nice at times, he could also be a jerk. Laurie worked in another department, but we got to know her better when she started dating and then married Charles. She always seemed nice and I don't know why she married Charles.

Brad and I started trying to conceive about a year before Charles and Laurie. When we got pregnant with Ernest, they found out we had fertility issues and we started to come together because of our shared experience. Both of us were dealing with male factor infertility. Then Ernest died and another year went by. Charles and Laurie moved to Arizona, but we stayed in touch via email.

When we were both getting ready to move on to IVF from IUI at the end of 2005, we got together for dinner while they were in town. I remember being surprised that Laurie didn't know when she ovulated. She didn't even understand what a trigger shot was for. She didn't change her diet, she didn't do acupuncture. She was hardly even trying! AND she was married to a jerk.

In the beginning of 2006 we both did our first IVF. We both got pregnant. Ours was a blighted ovum. Theirs seemed healthy. Brad and I did our second IVF. "We saw a heartbeat!" I was happy to email Laurie as she entered her second trimester. "The baby died." I emailed a few weeks later. She never emailed back. I told myself that she couldn't deal with the possibility of her child dying and so couldn't communicate with someone who knew all too well that babies die and pregnancies end. I thought she might email down the road, maybe after they had their baby.

And she did, but only to send a birth announcement - with pictures, no less. I couldn't believe it. Surely she should know how heartbreaking that would be for me. Even if she had said, "I am thinking about you and thought you should know we had a baby boy," and left it at that I might have forgiven her. As most of you know, some infertiles forget too easily. It was a bubbly "look at me and the baby we made!" kind of email. We decided we were done with them.

Fast forward to today. I had just come from an appointment with my hypnotherapist. We had been working on letting go of the grief of the last six years and especially the last four since we lost our son. I left there feeling so much better. Maybe things will be ok. Maybe I won't always grieve for the loss of a mutually genetic child. Maybe the heartache of trying every damn thing possible while still failing to make a baby will dissipate. Maybe LB will be born alive and healthy and we will finally enter a new, happier chapter of our lives.

As I waited for Brad to come out of the building, one of my old coworkers spotted me and came over to the car. Everyone who knows Brad and I know what we have been through so I have gotten used to them stopping by to say hello and ask how the pregnancy is going. I rolled down the window. He leaned in and said, "Did you hear Charles and Laurie had their babies?"

I didn't even know they were pregnant. They just had twins.

I wasn't very gracious. I didn't even fake it. I said, "I don't give a fucking rat's ass about those people." I gave the short version of the above story as I cried and then apologized for falling apart and then cried some more. My ex-coworker held my hand and said he was sorry. I pulled myself together eventually and apologized again. Then Brad came out and I could fall to pieces in private.

Why is it so unfair? Why is it so unbelievable easy for some people? People who aren't even nice. People who don't even try that hard. Why has it been so freaking hard for us? This just is all so unbearable sometimes.

Happy Blogoversary to Me!

I almost missed it! One year ago today, I started this blog. I had been thinking about it for a while, but like so many of us, it was Mel at Stirrup Queens who got me started.

I had been exploring how people dealt with having a child through donor eggs and landed on one of Mel's early guest blogs on the subject. That started a correspondence which finally gave me the extra boost to get started blogging my journey. The funny thing is, I really thought I was doing a generic "infertility blog" although I was really starting a "donor egg blog". Just 2 months before retrieval, I was still hoping I was going to find a way to avoid donor eggs. I'm guess I am good at denial.

Then it all happened pretty fast and here I am, one year later just two days before my official due date and still hoping everything will be ok. Not just with the baby being healthy, but that I will someday be ok with the path we have taken to get here.

Thank you to all the people who have listened to me (often on the same topic again and again) and continued to offer your support. For those of you who have been steady lurkers, I hope you find some value in my thoughts and experiences.

If you haven't made your guess on the previous post, I encourage you to take a stab at it - anonymously for any lurkers who would like to de-lurk for a bit. I will be posting the answer in a couple of days if I am not otherwise occupied.

Jam Tan ("peace only" in the Fula language of West Africa)

Four truths and a lie - Updated

I was tagged by Pam at Baby Wanted for this game. I am usually bad at follow through for these things, but since I have nothing else to do with my time these days, I have no excuses.

Here are 5 "facts" about me. One is a lie. Can you guess which one?

1) I am a liturgical dancer at a liberal Catholic church. That means I dance, as part of a group, during mass. Sometimes it is as simple as dancing the bread / wine up the isle. It can be more complex such as interpreting scripture either to music or to the spoken word.

True: Yes, I am an liturgical dancer who does not believe in any sort of divine power. I joined the group while I still considered myself agnostic. I stay in because I like the chance to dance as part of a group with very low commitment and the ladies in the group are wonderful. They also know about my beliefs although I don't think the rest of the congregation does. I may not dance "prayerfully" but I do my best to make the experience more spiritual for the congregation.

2) Before all this infertility stuff, I used to moonlight as a clown at (mostly) children's parties. I can tie a pretty mean balloon animal too.

False: I have tied few balloon animals in my time though. Ok, maybe 10 times in my life.

3) If the definition of "high maintenance patient" is having your OB's home and cell phone numbers, then that's me.

True: My OB has been a part of this IF roller coaster longer than any of my current caregivers and there were a few times when he asked me to call his cell or home numbers. I don't think I abuse the privilege and have used one of his personal lines without prior permission maybe twice in the last 4 years.

4) If it wasn't for Brad's blind optimism and determination, we would not be together today. We were "just friends" for a year and a half when I knew he wanted to date me. After we started dating, I dumped him twice - although I maintain it was a "break" the first time and a misunderstanding the second.

True: That optimism sure keeps me going. In retrospect, I think I was afraid of the commitment. I remember one time after dating for about six months, Brad held up our hands and said, "You love me. You just don't know it yet." He was right.

5) I once broke into the Acropolis in Athens, Greece. Who knew they would have guard dogs on the premises?

True: I was in my early 20's and had spent 6 days in Greece and had not seen a single significant ruin (there were a few along the roadside). It was our last day and we went to see the Acropolis. Who would have predicted it would be closed just because it was a Sunday? I jumped the fence thinking I would just take a quick peek, but I didn't get more than 10 yards in before I heard the dogs. Later, I found out they keep them pinned up, but I wasn't taking that chance.


Please leave your guess in the comments. For those of you with blogs, consider yourself tagged. I promise to update this post in a few days with the answer.

OB appt # 11-ish: 39 weeks 1 day

Just a quick update: More bed rest.

Longer update:

• Cervix isn't close (50% effaced, 1 cm dilated, baby -2)
• Dr. Wonderful seems to be ok with waiting - although he would prefer we didn't have a blood pressure issue.
• He wants an update after my midwife appointment on Tuesday
• He doesn't like the cohoshes - esp. blue. He does recommend nipple stimulation
• B/p hasn't gotten worse and I seem to have less swelling - my OB thinks the bed rest is working.
• After bugging him a bit, he said a daily 10 minute walk would be ok. Woo-hoo!!
  

Extraneous information: The waiting room was FULL of the worst kind of pregnant people. My two favorites: a couple who appeared in late teens wearing filthy clothes. The woman was wearing pajama pants and an oversized sweatshirt. She looked like she was living on the street (maybe she was). The other girl - she looked about 16 - was there with her mom and brother (mom looked about 40). She was pregnant with her third. The other two kids will filthy. One was about 1.5 years and the other 2.5-3 years old. I am so glad my friend Leah came along because I feel like I need a glass of wine as it is.

I just read this to Brad. He seems to think I am being a snob about the icky pregnant people. What do you think?

Now, since I probably shouldn't have the glass of wine, I am going to calm my mind with some ice cream instead. Ben & Jerry's coffee, I think.

Midwife appt # 9: 39 weeks 0 days

We have gotten some good news and some not-so-good news.

The not-so-good news is that my blood pressure was up with the midwife too. That kind of surprised me. The frustrating thing is that her recommendation is to . . . wait for it . . . get more exercise! Yep, the exact opposite of what my OB recommends.

The good news is that she actually agrees with my OB on two counts: 1) if my b/p continues to go up then we will induce, although she means by using alternative means such as herbs and acupuncture and 2) If my b/p gets up around 150/100 during labor we will be at a critical point (my OB said to go to the hospital, my midwife said, "Then we have to get the baby out.")

Even better news is that I got my blood work results back from my OB this morning and in the 6 days between blood tests the numbers have gotten only slightly worse, although the difference is within the error margin of the test. So far, only my kidneys have taken a hit - and it isn't too bad.

Dr. Wonderful asked why Cathy didn't just induce right away, but then answered his own question by saying, "She probably wants to give you a little more time." I told him we were going to try alternative means to induce if needed and he thought that was an option. Since I would prefer to be successful with an out-of-hospital induction (if needed) and not wait to the point where that is not an option, I have agreed to let him check my cervix when I see him tomorrow. He believes that if the cervix indicates a Bishop Score of 10 then induction is likely to lead to labor.

The best news is that I asked him if he thought I was likely to end up in a hospital and he said no. Yeah!

Now I just have to figure out how to get more exercise while on strict bed rest.

Strict bedrest

I went back to my OB yesterday. Despite having taken my blood pressure twice a day all weekend - and never having it as elevated as it was in the office (again, barely over the limit), it was up again yesterday. And my edema? Barely there too. I have seen pregnant women really puff up. I just don't understand what he is basing his concern on. Usually I can, with a little discussion, understand where my doc is coming from, but this seems so completely unreasonable.

Likewise, I am sure I seem completely unreasonable to my OB. He pretty much asked me why I was coming to see him. I told him I valued his opinion. "What is the point, if you don't take my advice?" was his reply. Can't I value his opinion without agreeing with it? I was trying to understand why a once-in-awhile, very slightly elevated b/p and slight edema would warrant bed rest - or even concern - but was getting nowhere. I finally asked, "What is your gut feeling about my symptoms?" He said, "My gut feeling is that you are heading toward toxemia."

So, there you have it. This OB - who I like a great deal, who was willing to let my sister go to over 42 weeks, who has told patients during labor to not push to hard to protect her perineum (two things I consider non-typical OB points of view), who comes highly recommended by my RE whom I respect a great deal, who has more than 20 years experience, has a gut feeling I am not going down the safest path. That is a little unnerving.

He reiterated that "If you were my patient, I would check your cervix and if it indicated induction would lead to labor, I would induce you today. If not, then I would put you on strict bedrest and see you in four days." His concern is that I would get worse during labor and he didn't want a phone call at 2:00 in the morning to hear that my b/p was 150/100 and my water had broken 18 hours ago. "Then we will be doing mag and (lots of details I missed) and likely end up doing a cesarean which is none of things that you want."

Then he softened a bit and asked which nurse took my b/p. When I told him, he said that nurse tends to hear it a little high - so he took it again. While he was taking it, I told him (trying not to tear up) that very little has gone the way I wanted it to on this journey and . . . "I know," he said gently.

By the way, the b/p was lower - I didn't quite catch the number because he was in a hurry to attend to an urgent situation in maternity. But it left me wondering . . . is all of this because a nurse tends to hear a higher number when taking blood pressures?

I left his office feeling more than a bit shaken. I called my friend (and doula) Stacey and asked if I could come over and figure out what to do. I probably mentioned Stacey before. She suggested we see a doctor after only 6 months of TTC - I ignored her advice. She was there for Ernest's birth. She used my midwife for the birth of her second child. She is also the middle ground neither my OB nor midwife are. Her suggestion? Take my OB's advice and take it easy then follow up with him in 4 days. What's the harm? "Wouldn't it be worth it to be able to have a home birth?" Brad concurred. So hear I am, taking it easy.

The good news is that when I called my OB to let him know - and to ask if he was willing to see me again (of course, he said) - he said that he thinks I will be ok. He was happy to see I hadn't gained any weight between the last 2 visits - meaning the edema hasn't gotten worse and if we manage things a bit now, it could mean keeping the PIH under control. "That way you will have the most options available when you go into labor." That was the most reassuring comment Brad and I could have hoped for. I felt like he was on my side again - that he wants what we want - not just a healthy baby, but a healthy baby at home.