Some random happenings that have effected the way I currently view our path . . .
I had a dream about my RE. Actually I had a dream I was my RE. I was looking across my desk explaining to a couple (Brad and I) how the cycle went beautifully - good E2 levels, good looking embryos, but we still failed to produce a viable baby. In the back of my mind, I was thinking about how I have done everything I could think of for this couple. I orchestrated the growth of the eggs with textbook like results. The embryologist grew healthy looking embryos. I was controlling for everything that was within my reach, yet it wasn't enough. What else could I offer them except to move on to donor eggs? I'd hate to see them keep trying this again and again and not be successful.
I told a friend that we had found a donor. She was so excited for me. She said, "I don't consider myself a psychic or empath, but sometimes I sense this energy . . . I know you will be a mom. I don't know which path you will take to get there, but I know you will be a mom. You are going to be a great mom." This brought instant tears to my eyes. I don't know if I really believe in being able to sense the future so it wasn't her confidence that shook me. It was the realization that this is all about me being a mom. Me. Being a mom. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in details, I forget what the end goal is.
Our donor may be ready as soon as September. It was always a possibility, but it is actually starting to seem likely. I just found out yesterday and I am very excited. I was talking to Belinda about scheduling a physical and suddenly I was so sad I could have sobbed if I wasn't calling from work. This really is the end of the journey for the possibility of having my genetic child. It's ok though. Around the edge of that sadness was a voice that said, "This is good. This grief means that I am moving on." As we get closer I suspect I will feel greater sadness, but I also know that beyond the sadness is greater acceptance. I am looking forward to the day when I will be ok with all of this.
On a lighter note - I just got some really neat yarn in the mail for my next baby blanket project. I also got some DMC #814 for my "secret handshake". I'm looking forward to getting started on both.
I had a dream about my RE. Actually I had a dream I was my RE. I was looking across my desk explaining to a couple (Brad and I) how the cycle went beautifully - good E2 levels, good looking embryos, but we still failed to produce a viable baby. In the back of my mind, I was thinking about how I have done everything I could think of for this couple. I orchestrated the growth of the eggs with textbook like results. The embryologist grew healthy looking embryos. I was controlling for everything that was within my reach, yet it wasn't enough. What else could I offer them except to move on to donor eggs? I'd hate to see them keep trying this again and again and not be successful.
I told a friend that we had found a donor. She was so excited for me. She said, "I don't consider myself a psychic or empath, but sometimes I sense this energy . . . I know you will be a mom. I don't know which path you will take to get there, but I know you will be a mom. You are going to be a great mom." This brought instant tears to my eyes. I don't know if I really believe in being able to sense the future so it wasn't her confidence that shook me. It was the realization that this is all about me being a mom. Me. Being a mom. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in details, I forget what the end goal is.
Our donor may be ready as soon as September. It was always a possibility, but it is actually starting to seem likely. I just found out yesterday and I am very excited. I was talking to Belinda about scheduling a physical and suddenly I was so sad I could have sobbed if I wasn't calling from work. This really is the end of the journey for the possibility of having my genetic child. It's ok though. Around the edge of that sadness was a voice that said, "This is good. This grief means that I am moving on." As we get closer I suspect I will feel greater sadness, but I also know that beyond the sadness is greater acceptance. I am looking forward to the day when I will be ok with all of this.
On a lighter note - I just got some really neat yarn in the mail for my next baby blanket project. I also got some DMC #814 for my "secret handshake". I'm looking forward to getting started on both.
5 comments:
Hang in there! September will be here before you knwo it, and then your dream will be a reality!
Are you cross stitching? Or doing something else w/your DMC?
Good luck to you - that yarn looks like it feels soo very soft. Blessings to you.. You are right, this isnt about alot of crap ..its about being a Mom- thanks for the reminder - farah
I love that dream, your ability to be your own advisor.
I also love that your friend senses Mom Energy within you.
And it's wise that you're allowing yourself to grieve the loss.
A friend once told me that a heart broken open can hold infinite joy.
That thought gave me comfort, and proved to be true.
Perspective is good but sometimes it takes time and tears to get it.
September is coming soon and it seems like things are moving in the right direction. Good luck!
Just read this one too ...
Each step we take on this journey brings about so many emotions. It's like peeling back the layers of an onion. You're working towards acceptance of this new "layer" right now and that is good! You're right, it's all about becoming a Mom, at long last :)
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