Tuesday, April 1, 2008

29 weeks 5 days: Still pregnant and still emotional

At least I seem to be at a new stage of emotional. Now, instead of just crying over the past, I cry about the future too.

I still have those moments when I am just sad for what we have been through. I still feel the pain of the years, multiple failed cycles, the pregnancies that almost made us parents, and the loss of my genetic connection. It seems that I am less often sad about using donor eggs than I have been, but that might be because I feel the need to suck it up with that very DE baby moving around all the time (can I say I continue to relish each and every movement?!).

As for the past, the letting go letter to my genetic baby I mentioned some months ago . . . still not done. I composed parts of it in my head which probably helped, but then I decided to take Niobe's advice (I think it was her) about some dreams not really going away. While I was doing all those IVF cycles, I imagined our Someday Baby(ies) off to the west (toward our clinic) existing in a parallel universe. While we had embryos growing, the connection would be stronger and when those embryos died they would be more completely in the parallel universe and less here in our universe, but we were still connected. I decided I like them hanging out there. I don't want to let them go. I don't think they will ever be fully in my universe, but this way we are still connected at some level. I can still acknowledge those 36 embryos and one baby who just didn't live long enough. I know it sounds crazy. It is really just head games because I don't believe in a spiritual realm or in life after death. But it makes me feel better and that is good enough for me.

I now also cry about the future. Why? Because I can almost believe in that baby being in our arms soon. More and more often little details pop into my mind and it is so overwhelmingly beautiful the tears just burst out. While Brad and I were looking at bike trailers last weekend, Brad was digging around in one, pointed out a little mesh pocket and matter-of-factly said, "LB's toys can go in here . . . " Suddenly I am in a busy REI trying not to completely lose it. Imagine! Us. With a baby! A baby with toys!!! Even now I am tearing up. Such hope! Such promise! Please, LB, stay alive and be healthy.

It continues to be an emotional roller coaster, but at least right now I can blame pregnancy hormones. I am looking forward to the day when I start to feel more like myself again. I imagine being happy in a way I haven't been in many years. Do you think it could be that good (assuming this pregnancy works out) or do you think I am fooling myself? I have told myself over the last couple of years that I can't expect a child to make me happy - that is my responsibility not a brand new baby's. Yet, isn't it easier to be happy when life is working out closer to the way you want it to? I think it is.


Fertilized said...

I do believe that it life is easier to be happy about when things do work out for your benefit and the odds aren't entirely against you.

Thinking of you and LB.

Frenchie said...

I think for some people (and I put myself in this category) it is reeeaally hard to cope with the disappointment of life not lining up with our dreams/desires/plan. It seems like some people can just look at the bright side of every situation, and truly be happy even when things don't work out according to plan. But for some of us...well? I am looking for the answer. I am willing to bet that when LB is here with you, you will know more joy than you can imagine. But that doesn't also mean that your sadness over your other losses will completely go away. I think that extreme joy and heartache do not always cancel each other out. Sometimes they coexist.

I am hoping that the joy will overwhelm the pain for you. But don't beat yourself up and feel badly if it doesn't 100% of the time. You're human.

niobe said...

I'm so glad if my suggestion helped you even a little. I know it's something that's worked for me, but I'm always a bit reluctant to give other people advice.

Ann said...

I think the baby will bring you to a whole new level. There are times in my life when I don't quite realize how much better things are...until I think about the way they were.

You won't be happy every day with the baby, but I think you will, in general, be happier.

Foreverhopeful said...

I think it will definitely be easier to be happy because there are no more what ifs and the emotional roller coaster of trying for a baby and wondering if you will ever be a mom. There won't be that emptiness and you will have a baby to focus on. I can't believe how close it is for you and I can only imagine how surreal it must feel that you will have a real live baby soon. Thinking of you and I'm so glad to hear you are enjoying this pregnancy.

singletracey said...

You know.. when I daydream about a baby.. I think of love and HAPPINESS. Happiness because my dream came true. Happiness like none other I can imagine.

I too believet that when life works out the way you dream and hope, it is easier and when it is easier.. happiness just happens.

I don't know.. Im hormonal and wishful today.. but I do KNOW that you continue to inspire me. Hugs and Belly Pats~

B said...

I hope when the baby comes along it will all be clearer. That;s how I hoped it would work itself out if I ended up there.

Your honesty is such a help to others, thanks.

Freyja said...

"isn't it easier to be happy when life is working out closer to the way you want it to?"

You're damn skippy it is!

hope548 said...

I think it will be beautiful. There will still be adjustment and emotions, but you'll have that baby in your arms. It will be what you make it!

Michell said...

I agree with others in that if we have acheived the dream we have worked so long for the happiness part is easier.

Geohde said...

It isn't all that far away that you will have your little one, it still amazes me that I'll really, finally, actually have children out of this whole experience. I hope,


MrsSpock said...

Grief always comes in cycles. It will probably always surface on occasion. Though this isn't IF related, I have had to constantly grieve the "loss" of my father through schizophrenia throughout my whole life. Each time I think I've found closure, something new pops up- a graduation party I can't have because he will act crazy, a wedding spent on tenterhooks because my husband's family doesn't know about his illness, and now the birth of the first grandchild, who can't be left alone with him.

Life has gotten a million times happier, but the grief is like echoes in a pond, lessening with time, but always still there.

stacyb said...

i imagine you being happy in a way you haven't been in years too kami.

as you say a child doesn't make you happy, you make yourself happy, and hopefully as the last trimester moves forward you will make your peace.

life is always handing us surprises that we didn't think we wanted and sometimes it's those very surprises that turn out to be the best gifts.

meg said...

I am glad to hear of the happiness. It's the way life is supposed to be, not what you (and so many of us) have been through. Thinking of you.