Thursday, June 12, 2008

A little perspective

Suddenly, my pity party evaporated in a puff of smoke.

I was actually doing better this morning, but had some residual "blues". I should know better than to go to bed sad since it often seems to lead to nightmares. Last night I dreamed that when you give birth to a DE baby, the baby is immediately placed in foster care until you can adopt it. The worst part is that my sister was trying to claim the baby as hers. "But I carried LB, I gave birth to LB - how can you take her?" "She isn't any more your baby than she is mine!", was her reply. But "Brad can prove he is the father and I am married to Brad!" Then I immediately started trying to call Brad to get him to come and prove he was the father with a DNA test. Except my sister had forwarded all phone lines to her phone. It was impossible to reach him. Then I woke up. I guess that is a reason for frequent night time trips to the bathroom.

This morning I read all the supportive comments on my blog. Once again, thank you so much for your understanding. Thanks for letting me vent and not telling me I am a horrible person or that I shouldn't compare myself to others. I know I shouldn't. I know we all carry some pain in our hearts. At that moment all I cared about was my pain.

At this moment I am so grateful for all that I have. I told you I would feel grateful soon, I just didn't know it would happen like a sudden sun break on a cloudy day.

As I often do, I followed my commenters back to their blogs and on The Clam came across a link to this blog, but it is probably better to start here.

I am so lucky to have such a wonderful husband, a house that is more than big enough, three "cuddle bunny" cats and a dog whom I never really liked in his puppy years, but now I think will make a great uncle to LB. Not to mention many good friends (IRL and via the internet) and some wonderful caregivers that have helped us along the way.

9 comments:

Tina said...

I just found that blog yesterday and I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it. :(

RJ said...

Kami,

I had virtually the SAME dream mere days before out little guy was born!! I guess that makes it normal :)

XO
RJ

Bee Cee said...

Dreams can be really stressful, the minute you wake up you think they are real. I keep dreaming Mr Big Time Charlie is leaving me and when I wake up I just have to reach out and check he's still there. Me no like it!

Glad you are starting to feel better, I guess there's good and bad days, just hope the good far outweighs the bad.

familyoftwo98 said...

Thank goodness for the midnight potty trips! Just don't dream they put LB in a 35 mm film canister...

singletracey said...

OMGosh.. just read it. WOW. I am thinking of you waiting patiently with ya for LB to get ready to make an appearance!

MrsSpock said...

I had constant nightmares before J was born..

Wow, that blog link...

Panamahat said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you were feeling shitty. I guess that kernal of resentment never does go quite away. And how can we not compare ourselves to others when our whole society and culture is geared up in that direction?

I am glad you are feeling better at the moment.

Thanks for your visit. I don't know what to think about the MTHFR, but I will be seeing the RI for further testing in a month or two so I guess I will reserve judgement until then.

Michell said...

Isn't it funny (or not so much) how our mind takes our fears and amplifies them into something even worse. I hope the dream didn't linger too long after waking.
I found that blog last week and sat and cried while reading it. So very sad.

stacyb said...

glad you are feeling better Kami -- it is good to rant and get it out.

the blog you linked to brought tears to my eyes. thank you for posting it. my heart goes out to that family.