Saturday, June 14, 2008

Hello LB! I think I'm ready!

I believe I am ready to have this baby. Things are feeling better and better. Oh, and the sun is out which is always a plus.

On the physical side, my blood pressure is staying below my OB's suggested danger zone. It was below 135/80 all week - including after my meltdown the other day. At my midwifery appointment yesterday it was 120/70 which has been my baseline through this pregnancy. I credit two acupuncture visits and one session with my hypnotherapist, my OB is convinced it is the bed rest and my midwife thinks the high readings were just flukes. I got a little carried away in my activity level yesterday and today it was 133/84 so we can throw a few bonus points toward my OB.

Little Butterfly continues to be active. Some times more than others, but always enough to convince me his little heart is still beating. I confess when I haven't noticed movement for awhile, I try to wake her up by pushing on her foot or her bottom or drinking some juice. When Cathy felt for his positioning yesterday, she said it was good and his head was engaged. I think he probably moves up and down which is not unusual (I understand) with second pregnancies.

On the emotional side, I think I have been improving as well. Three weeks ago when my OB said, "I would induce today" it really freaked me out because I realized I still had some fears and insecurities regarding having a DE baby. It was easy to convince myself everything would be ok - that I would bond and the genetic connection would no longer matter while it was in theory, but realizing I was about to find out if it would really be ok was another story.

Being the resourceful person I am, I immediately contracted the services of someone who could brainwash me into believing what I wanted to believe. I made an appointment with KJ, my hpynotherapist. To be fair, KJ would hate for me to describe it this way, but it kind of feels like it sometimes. KJ guided me through a meditation combined with acupressure where I visualized / felt the hurt and fear of this journey to parenthood, then we visualized healing, and then we visualized what I would choose to be the outcome. I had tears running down my face as I visualized LB being born and feeling only love and caring for this little one. There was no room in my heart for bitterness or pain or hurt. I didn't look for traits of Brad or Belinda - I just saw LB as LB. I put him to my breast and she looked at me while she nursed.

We have gotten together twice since then (who knew I still had enough time for 2 more appointments?) . In one session we talked about a realization I had about my relationship with my father. I think it speaks to how we can have programs running in our brains that we aren't even aware of. Anyone who has ever found herself saying or doing things that her parents did that she swore she never would, probably knows what I mean.

In a nutshell, my father was mostly absent from the later years of my childhood. He was physically there and I think he did the best he could, but because of his programming (very narcissistic) and a medical condition that left him sleeping a good amount of time, I never felt he took an interest in me. He did, however, brag about my good looks and my intelligence (Hey, this is my dad after all. I would admit to considering myself "above average", but then who doesn't think they are at least above average?). In my mind the only thing that gave him any right to take credit for these two aspects about my life was because half of my genes were from him.

When a friend recently described with pride how well his children were doing in school, my first thought was that I would never be able to take pride in LB's accomplishments. (My second was to wonder if anyone ought to take pride or credit for their children, but that is another post). This lead to my discussion with KJ and some visualizations where I created a "good dad" who loved me just for who I was and because I was his daughter - not for what he saw of himself in me.

I realize this might be psychobabble or as fuzzy as dream interpretation, but I felt better after the session and more confident that LB and I will bond.

Finally, at my last visit with my acupuncturist we did some points to induce. She said it would only work if my body was ready. When we spoke on the phone a couple of days later, I told her I didn't feel any different and it seemed like labor would still be at least a few days away. She commented that she felt some things had to happen for me first. "You need to get excited first," she gave as an example.

Blame it on sunnier, warmer days or more confidence in my body or some happy visualizations or perhaps the waxing moon; but I am excited.

19 comments:

B said...

Yah! Yah! Yah!

What a race on the path of healing and I am so happy that you have faced these things before the arrival of one gorgeous LB.

I am confident that there is nothing that will get in the way of your love once s/he arrives. Which is not to say that it will all be perfect....... only that you will muddle through the same as any other family, but with the wisdom you have gained on this difficult journey.

Hooray.

I am excited too.

much love to the three of you

Barbs

niobe said...

I know this wasn't your intent or purpose, but reading about your father made me feel oh-so-sad. As far as I can remember, neither of my parents has ever said anything remotely positive about my looks or intelligence. Now, there are lots of perfectly legitimate reasons for that. But still.

Now getting back to the point of your post, I'm glad to hear that you're ready for LB.

Lori said...

I'm excited for you, Kami.

I never know which will be my last pre-baby comment to you, so in case it's this one, I am wishing for you a smooth and uneventful birth, and I hold all of you in a place of love as you first lay eyes on your baby.

singletracey said...

SO glad you are feeling happy and ready. Each day I pop in to check if you are in labor or moving towards labor..sounds like you are moving towards it!

xoxo

midlife mommy said...

I am so happy for you! And glad that you are excited. I can't wait to hear your birth story, and to hear more about your little one. June is such a nice month to have a baby. You can spend time outdoors, and then there will be all those summer birthday parties.

Just a comment, as a fellow DE mom. Do I feel like I can take credit for my daughter's successes in school? Oh, h*ll yes. Both of us spend lots of time with her, reading, talking, thinking, playing. Whatever my daughter was given by the donor, and I do thank her for good raw material, it is only through our efforts that she shines. I look at it this way -- if I were an artist who works in clay, I couldn't take credit for making the clay, but I most certainly could take credit for the beautiful vase that it becomes. Now, that's not a perfect analogy, because as she grows, she will control her own destiny -- just as anyone else, she will have to work to succeed, and her successes will be the fruits of her efforts alone. But, I know with absolute certainty that her father and I will have provided the foundation on which she stands, no differently than any bio parent.

Michell said...

Yay!!!!
I'm so happy for you that you are feeling better about all of this. And that BP etc has been better and that it's almost time.

Cindy said...

So glad you're excited. Best wishes to you and your little one.

Amber Halpin said...

Eeekkk!!! So excited :)

xoxoxoxoxoxo,

Amber & Baby Kenny
http://www.babykenny.wordpress.com

familyoftwo98 said...

I am THRILLED for your newfound happiness and excitement.

Come on out LB...your audience awaits!

Lisa said...

I am sooooo happy to hear you so excited! As someone considering for whom DE is a very likely possibility, I understand everything you're saying and it gives me such hope to see you excited!!

Freyja said...

I must confess that I am excited too!

Geohde said...

Kami,

I am haunting your blog waiting for LB's big arrival. I'm so very happy for you,

J

Pamela Jeanne said...

So glad to here that you're looking forward to LB! Sharing your excitement...

stacyb said...

very excited for you kami!

gabrielle said...

I am excited TOO!!!!

(and thanks for your thoughts over at MB)

Summer said...

I'm excited that you're excited! Can't wait to hear about LB's arrival.

theclam said...

I'm also excited :)

Ryan's Mommy said...

Try not to worry about whether you will be able to take pride in LB's accomplishments. You will. It will have nothing to do with a genetic link or lack of one. It will have to do with your love for him/her. You will be proud of your child because you love him/her, and that love will be unconditional.

He/she will be amazing, and he/she will be that way because he/she is who he/she is.

As someone considering DE myself, I have a lot of the same thoughts that you do. But I do believe that what you visualized during hypnotherapy will come true. You will love that baby so much, it will hurt.

Marthavmuffin said...

We adopted our daughter from foster care and I am so proud of her I could burst at times! Midlife mommy said it perfectly...Nurture not nature! I know my daughter would turn out differently without the loving support we have given her.