Moving forward

I have been mentally composing LB's birth story for a few days now. I am, in a way, looking forward to sharing it because even though it didn't unfold the way I had hoped, there were still some very magical moments. The problem is that the only time of the day I seem to have a few moments to blog has been in the evenings and I have also been getting the blues each evening. I think it is due to how I work (Brad pointed out years ago than if I am going to get blue, it will be just as the sun is going down), hormones and fatigue. I could write it up now, but I don't want to color the story more sad than it was and I also don't want to bring myself down. So it will be on the shelf a bit longer. Hopefully it will be soon so that it will be closer to the how it really happened and not just how I remember it.

I want to take some time to say how things are feeling now that we have Little Butterfly in our arms. The most important thing is that I knew I loved her just the way she is the moment I saw her. I know not everyone bonds instantly with their baby and I was prepared for it to take some time, but it didn't. The fears and doubts about using donated eggs seemed to all but vanish. While I expect there will be some sadness about the loss of not having a mutually genetic baby, that loss will have nothing to do with LB.

I have also recognized something good about all the years to get to this point. Although I have never gotten very good at living in the moment, it is something I have been practicing more and more as I tried to be happy despite years of infertility and tragic losses. Now that LB is here, it would be easy to get wrapped up in the next diaper change (yes, using diapers, but I have "caught" more than a few eliminations and hope to get better), feeding (sometimes crying before she nurses because it hurts so much - getting better here too), or desperately trying to get more sleep. I could miss or not appreciate the happy moments like how she manages to cuddle up right next to me at night even though I put her to sleep several inches away or the way she looks around in those precious minutes when she is awake and not wanting to eat.

It isn't all bliss, but it is wonderful just the same. There is such relief in starting this new chapter. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. The tough times we have been through to get to this point still matter, but they seem to matter less.

I would love to continue, but LB just woke up. It's funny how we work so hard to become someone else's slave. It is more than worth it.