Monday, June 30, 2008

Moving forward

I have been mentally composing LB's birth story for a few days now. I am, in a way, looking forward to sharing it because even though it didn't unfold the way I had hoped, there were still some very magical moments. The problem is that the only time of the day I seem to have a few moments to blog has been in the evenings and I have also been getting the blues each evening. I think it is due to how I work (Brad pointed out years ago than if I am going to get blue, it will be just as the sun is going down), hormones and fatigue. I could write it up now, but I don't want to color the story more sad than it was and I also don't want to bring myself down. So it will be on the shelf a bit longer. Hopefully it will be soon so that it will be closer to the how it really happened and not just how I remember it.

I want to take some time to say how things are feeling now that we have Little Butterfly in our arms. The most important thing is that I knew I loved her just the way she is the moment I saw her. I know not everyone bonds instantly with their baby and I was prepared for it to take some time, but it didn't. The fears and doubts about using donated eggs seemed to all but vanish. While I expect there will be some sadness about the loss of not having a mutually genetic baby, that loss will have nothing to do with LB.

I have also recognized something good about all the years to get to this point. Although I have never gotten very good at living in the moment, it is something I have been practicing more and more as I tried to be happy despite years of infertility and tragic losses. Now that LB is here, it would be easy to get wrapped up in the next diaper change (yes, using diapers, but I have "caught" more than a few eliminations and hope to get better), feeding (sometimes crying before she nurses because it hurts so much - getting better here too), or desperately trying to get more sleep. I could miss or not appreciate the happy moments like how she manages to cuddle up right next to me at night even though I put her to sleep several inches away or the way she looks around in those precious minutes when she is awake and not wanting to eat.

It isn't all bliss, but it is wonderful just the same. There is such relief in starting this new chapter. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. The tough times we have been through to get to this point still matter, but they seem to matter less.

I would love to continue, but LB just woke up. It's funny how we work so hard to become someone else's slave. It is more than worth it.

19 comments:

Working Girl said...

This is such a joyful time for you, Brad and LB. I wish you so much happiness. Thanks for letting me share the journey with you. It has been very helpful in my own journey which may include donor eggs also. ((hugs))

singletracey said...

I still get chills when I think of you holding LB and being a slave to her sounds FABULOUS!

Can't wait to share this next chapter with you...

xoxo

katedaphne said...

More happy tears for you, I can't seem to stop sniffling when I read your blog! (That's a good thing)

MrsSpock said...

I am so glad using donor eggs is not coloring the way you see your daughter- Hurrah for baby love!

midlife mommy said...

I'm glad that you are enjoying motherhood (at least every other minute of it -- smile). And I'm also very glad that you were able to bond quickly -- it took me some time to do it, which made me think it had something to do with donor eggs, when, as you pointed out, it really didn't (for me, it was just new mommy blues).

I'm just so happy for you!!

stacyb said...

"The most important thing is that I knew I loved her just the way she is the moment I saw her."

Amen.

Amber said...

Tears in my eyes. Thank you for this. As I consider donor eggs your perspective is helping me so much. The mourning the loss of the genetic link has nothing to do with the child. Thank you for articulating that.

Tip about breastfeeding. If it still hurts after a few more days go see a lactation consultant. I cried and cried the first 2 weeks...turns out I had thrush! Once I got that cleared up it was easy.

Love up that little girl. I am overjoyed for you.

Summer said...

I, too, am teary and weepy when I read your blog these days. But, in a good way!

Michell said...

What a great post. I'm so glad that things are going well. Hugs to you.

Lori said...

"It's funny how we work so hard to become someone else's slave. It is more than worth it."

That's such a great way to put it.

So happy (but not surprised) about the ease of bonding.

DCat said...

Kami, it is sooooo worth it. You will have a love and appreciation for LB and motherhood that's not like anything else. I am so happy for you!! She is truly a miracle and a gift from God!

Danielle

Geohde said...

Kami, I am just so happy for you and your family,

xx

J

Frenchie said...

That little girl is going to LOOOOOVE you (and already does) like nobody's business. You're her MOMMY!!!! No one else will ever be that for her. No one. Ever. You're the one, Kami. Mommy....

Panamahat said...

YAY!!! :-)

Ryan's Mommy said...

I came here hoping to read this very post. I am considering DE too and have the same worries you did. It's nice to know that you are so happy and that you know that you made the right decision. Congratulations on your precious little girl.

Kate said...

I just got back from my trip and read your news! CONGRATULATIONS! I am so happy for you! It brought tears to my eyes when I read about how you bonded immediately with her and had no reservations about your love for a child through DE! I couldn't be more thrilled for you!

tickintime said...

I'm smiling with tears in my eyes. What a beautiful post.

Laurie said...

Kami, I'm so happy for you and also have tears of joy for you.

Also wanted to add as the other poster said that if the BF is still painful after a few days then do check out if you have thrush. I had that with some atypical signs and was much better after treatment.

Kristine said...

I had ppd after my birth and my late afternoon/evenings where the hardest for me too.