Another theory

I had another dream that I was going to die last night. Quite disturbing. I keep thinking of a cancer my body might know about that my mind doesn't. The scariest one I can come up with is ovarian cancer, but since I had a cesarean birth, I suppose my OB saw my ovaries just four months ago and that is probably better screening than anything else currently available.

I have another theory. I wonder if my brain is revolting over being happy. After more than four years of sadness - four years of building pathways and activating certain synapses - perhaps my brain is fighting the transition. All day long it is activating areas that were seldom used before. At night, it relaxes and uses those old pathways because it is just that much easier.

I'm only half joking. Maybe there is some truth to that.

At any rate, the days ARE happy. Even tough days are so much better than relatively good days used to be.

If you will forgive me . . . a couple of highlights:

• Taking a bath yesterday. We have been bathing together in our soaker tub since she was three days old. I would tell you about that first bath, but you wouldn't believe it. Suffice it to say that until yesterday she would spend some time happy and some time a little overwhelmed. Yesterday she was an entirely different baby - splashing and kicking and talking. She even got all cranky when I took her out and kept making the same splashing movement with her arms for about 3 minutes until she realized the air just wasn't going to work the same.
• She is giggling more and more. It fills my heart to hear it. Today she was a handful during about an hour of my work shift - talking and wanting attention. I now have to find a way to make it up, but it was still a good hour.
• How can life be bad when you can take pictures like this?

In case it isn't perfectly clear, I luvs my Lil' B.