Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The follow up post

I wanted to post a follow up post to my terribly depressing post from yesterday. I had actually gone to bed thinking I would sleep on it. There were moments when I wondered if it was an accurate portrayal of how I felt as the evening went on. When I couldn't sleep at 4 am this morning because I kept thinking about it, I went ahead and hit the publish button. Perhaps not the best frame of mind to make the decision, but now that it is posted I don't think I will pull it. It was accurate for how I felt at the time, even if I am a bit embarrassed about it now.

Today I wonder why I cared so much yesterday. As I have stated in this post, I think about LB being the product of DE almost every day, but I would say that 98% of the time there is no emotion associated with it. It is of no more consequence than if the sun is out or not. Actually, it is of less consequence because a sunny day has a bigger impact on my mood than the origin of LB's genes, at least most of the time.

Here is where I am putting part of the blame on my emotional meltdown: Sunday I danced my Psalm of the Infertile Woman piece again - I pulled out all my emotional baggage for the performance (performance isn't the right word because it is supposed to be more of a prayer, but you know what I mean); that night we didn't sleep well - LB waking me up 7 times in 9 hours; bright and early Monday morning I had my first blood draw for my upcoming FET - walking into that clinic brought up some suppressed grief, I suspect.

I am not going to say it is all ok, however. Better to look into the wound and see if it is worse than I thought or if it just bled a lot for a moment and is actually healing nicely. To that end, I have made an appointment with my grief counselor and set up a get together with a wonderful lady I know who raised one adopted and one genetic child. I hope the latter person can answer some questions about how it is the same and how it is different. Since I don't have anything to compare it to, I am probably over selling the genetic connection.

And the thing is my genetics suck - heart disease (mother, grandfather), mental illness (father and several of his siblings), cancer (11 of 13 female cousins had breast cancer), arthritis; you name it we've got it - in spades. We definitely traded up in terms of better prospects for LB.

I come back to wondering if a portion, perhaps even a greater portion, is that need for success. That need to say, "I can do it too, so there!" But we all know the harder part is being a good parent for decades than getting the sperm and egg to make a healthy baby (not that the latter isn't hard for some of us).

I also think it will benefit me not to think about it too much. I don't want to bury my grief, but I don't need to poke it with a stick either. And sleep . . . more sleep would be good. I am currently reading the No Cry Sleep Solution and hoping to change our sleeping habit for the better. I haven't had more than four hours sleep in a row in nearly 9 months. I'm not complaining. Better to be tired from waking up with a baby than to have no baby at all. Still, the shortest road to insanity is sleep deprivation.


Mrs. Spit said...

the bit about sleep deprivation is extremely true.

It can be hard to go back to those awful places in our lives. Long after we think we have healed ourselves, we realize that while scar tissue is strong, the area around it isn't.

battynurse said...

Thinking of you. And yes on the sleep deprivation part.

Peeveme said...

I had terrific luck with the Sleep Lady's book by Kim West. Not as much luck with the No cry Sleep Solution. But that's just us.

I'm so glad you are posting about doubts becasue it gives me permission to think/talk about mine too. I feel fine now that I am pregnant but I wonder if I will have a "doubt flare-up" when I go in for a Donor FET. Or when someone comment how different my first child (genetic) looks from my second or whatever else sets off these feelings.

I'm sure all my sadness, fear, feelings of failure will come up form time to time. All I can do is learn how to deal with them and put them into perspective so I can be sensitive to what my children feel when they are processing all this.

Sky said...

Sleep deprivation is evil. I worry about it because A) I LOVE/NEED sleep leaps and bounds more than the average person and B) I will be a SMC, so who the heck is going to be up with baby if not me?

Can I just say this, all of my animals over the years have slept in mornings - which I think is hysterically funny because I think they got it from watching me. I'm hoping the same will hold true for a baby. He/she will learn that mommy sleeps in and will adapt the same (hee hee - just let me dream that's what will happen, okay?).

Everything looks so improved after a good night's sleep and a hot shower - that's my medicine. :)

Jill said...

The sleep deprivation is incredible. I really don't know how it is that everyone survives it. I was literally going nuts at one point I'm sure. It *will* get better eventually. I wish I had a magic cure for you, but I don't. I liked the No Cry Sleep Solution for some good ideas on gentle changes to make for different situations. I liked that it wasn't like "do this for 3 days and you will get some sleep. plus you're an idiot for not getting your kid to sleep in the first place on the day you came home from the hospital. Oh and he'll probably be a serial killer because of it." :)

Anyway, you're not alone in the sleep. I hope you find some solutions!

I went back to the RE a few weeks ago and actually threw up in the bathroom in the hallway before I could go in the office. It's awful the crap it dredges up. And your journey has been so much rougher than mine, I can only imagine that going back there really dredged up all of the old bad feelings. I can't believe you're already going back btw!! wow!!

Leah and Maya said...

So with the economy in crises etc etc etc, our RE office has had NO slowdown, and yet we feel sick goign there and it makes us feel terrible, boy we must really wnat these beautiful little kids. You kow even if you have a bio child thru IVF I know you will feel some success but really the fairy tale of making love blah blah blah and getting pregnant still isn't going to happen, you will still ahve had to go thru all of this to get there so I think you will be of course over joyed but the sadness of other peoples easy pregnancies is still going to rub you the wrong way and you are still going ot have alot of the same feelings.

Anonymous said...

Oh Kami. It sounds like the grief counselor is the right direction at this point.
Grief, the gift that keeps on giving.

Frenchie said...

Sleep deprivation is awful stuff.

About the other stuff. *sigh* I don't even know what to say....grief is like endometriosis: it sticks to everything, causes intense pain, and just when you think you've cut it all out, it grows back.

Thinking of you.

Flo said...

I am so with you on the sleep deprivation... Unless you are SAS-trained, there is nothing that can prepare you for that. I love the 'no sleep cry solution', but we had a bit of a cry both when we moved Bee into her own room. After co-sleeping for a good seven months and being used as a human pacifier most nights, I really needed some more sleep to keep my sanity...I do miss her little body next to me and seeing that big grin first thing in the morning though!

Also wanted to thank you for getting us on the road to EC-ing. Have been meaning to tell you for ages that it was here that I first read about it! Still having tons of misses, but how amazing are the catches. So wonderful to be able to do that for your little one!