Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Question of the day

This needs to be a quick post so I am asking for you to help me write it. A friend talked to me today about the fact that she is turning 40 a may want one more kid. She shared with me a conversation she had with an older friend. She asked, "When do you know when you have had enough kids?" He replied, "Well, is your house full? Not, have you filled all the rooms, but do you feel like your house / family feels complete?"

Ahhh . . . is that how you know? It just doesn't ring true to me so I came up with some reasons of my own. Help me out and offer up some of your own answers.

How do you know when you have had enough kids? (By "enough" I include zero too - it isn't enough obviously, but I think the questions still applies)

  • When you don't have the money for a(nother) fertility treatment
  • When you can't bare the possibility of another BFN
  • When you can't bring yourself to start on all that adoption paperwork
  • When you don't think your body can handle any more fertility drugs
  • When your husband / partner can't stand you on any more fertility drugs.
  • When it is more important to your mental health to walk away than keep trying.
What else?


Lori said...

The gentleman's answer works for me.

My reason is not on your list: I was maxed out at 2, energy-wise. It had nothing to do with ADDing a third, but rather with HAVing a third.

Now that we're dealing with homework, dentist appointments, dance lessons and martial arts classes (etc, etc, etc), I am truly amazed by people who have the bandwidth for the complexity that comes having with more children.

I am maxed out.

Lorraine said...

I'll never really know what would have been a perfect amount of kids for our family. I don't think one is perfect, and things didn't work out for us to just keep going until we felt "complete". But I don't think it would be possible to have a whole brood and feel the sort of connection I have with my daughter, so I can imagine that two or maybe three would be best for us.

I guess I'll stop trying if my next two pre-paid IVF cycles don't work. But who knows? If I do back-to-back negative cycles and it's all over in another four and half months...?

Sara said...

For me, the decision will involve the things that you said, but the probability of success will also be factored in. How much I'm willing to pay/suffer/sacrifice is related to the probability that I will actually get another child at the end of it.

Irish Girl said...

When you've been through enough emotional trauma already and can't imagine enduring any of the possible negative outcomes that go along with the reproductive process. In other words, it feels like it's no longer worth the risk. That's where I'm at, at least. :-)

wifethereof said...

I would say enough is when Al Gore puts you on his watch list because all your pee sticks (all BFN of course) take up half the land fill.

Anonymous said...

You decide it would be more efficient just to buy your RE a new Mercedes and call it good.

Kay said...

Biologically- we are body cannot handle the fertility drugs, my DH cannot handle watching me almost die again and lose both me and the baby

Financially- Beyond ther.. can't afford the $3200 for a FET anyway

Emotionally- not done.. if not "naturally pregnant" ( doubtful ) we will start looking at foster care adoption at the end of the year

MrsSpock said...

When you can't bear the thought of enduring another pregnancy where you can barely walk and are so debilitated by your chronic illness that you can't dress or bathe yourself independently?

When you can't bear the dilemma of trying to breastfeed or going back on your medication that allows you to take care of yourself and your children the way you want to?

When you can't stand the thought of another newborn period?

Frenchie said...

When what it takes (mentally, physically, financially) takes you "away" (mentally, physically, spiritually, etc.) from being present with the child(ren) you DO have?

niobe said...

Others have said this, but I think I may always feel that there's an emptiness that can't be filled no matter how many children I have. That said, I'm still pretty sure that we're going to try for one more...