Wednesday, May 5, 2010

It Is May

Well, THAT holiday has come around again.  I am fortunate to have found a way to be a mother, but I know so many of you are still walking that path. First and foremost, I want to wish you all peace during this weekend as well as motherhood down the road - hopefully not a long road.  I know, As if it hasn't been a long road already.

To those of you still trying for that Someday Baby, I will you forgive me for asking, but I was hoping to get some ideas as to how I should pass this Sunday.  I still hate it.  I cringe whenever I hear an ad or the M-word gushing that seems ever present this time of year.  We need this holiday like Hallmark needs to sell more cards. Oh, wait.  That's the point isn't it?  If my family appreciates what I do for them then I hope it would be on any day not just this one day.  Why don't we change it to "Woman's Day" where we honor any woman who is important to us?  Why should we only be honored if we are able to reproduce?  Either that or just get rid of it all together.  I would be good with that.

My regular readers will not be surprised to hear that I am both still bitter and angry.  Oh, and negative as well.  I really think it is time to start letting this negative energy go and maybe finding a better way through this weekend is a good place to start - or at least practice.

But how to do it?  I can't see myself doing anything typical to mark the day.  That would seem like a betrayal to my infertile sisters who continue to feel the ache.  But doing what I did last year - trying to ignore it like so many previous years - only seemed to add another layer of tension since I was actually a mother.

Any thoughts?


Panamahat said...

My understanding of the point of Mother's day is to lavish attention on mothers - to show appreciation for the work they do in keeping a family functioning, that often goes unnoticed and unsung. EG: Mothers do a lot of thankless shit, and can they not just have one day where people say 'thanks for that!'. (That, for example, would be my mother).

Then there is the commericalisation that has turned it into a circus, which could make anyone hate it just for the annoyance factor. (That would be the kind of people who hate Valentine's day for the same reason).

Then there is the fact that there are people who WANT to be mothers, and haven't made it yet, (or who have, and their children are no longer with them) who feel left out and isolated, and want someone to appreciate all THEIR hard work that they have done to TRY TO BECOME A MOTHER. They feel like "WHERE IS MY &%^$#!! DAY? HUH? (That would be me).

I can't tell you how to spend the day, but maybe it would be easier to imagine that different people are going to see it differently, and it will go easier on you if you just let that be as it is.

If I had children with me on that day, I would be spending it meditating on being a mother. Being grateful for the chance to mother children that lived with me in my home, that I called 'mine'. Meditating on what it took to get there, how it changed me, how I coped. How being the mother I always wanted to be enriched my life. How it maybe even brought a set new problems into my life.

But most of all I would meditate on the strong bond of love that I had with my child/ren, that no one could ever understand unless they had been a mother, and I would cherish that experience like there was no tomorrow.

I hope I ever get the chance. And I hope you get the chance to find a way to enjoy that day - maybe as if it were any other - with your family. xx

Tracy said...

Oh Kami. I thought about not commenting, but I just can't let it go.

Believe me, I understand the pain of infertility, but you are not doing yourself any favors by holding on to that pain. Nor are you doing your children any favors. You must celebrate your place as their mother!

I guess I look at this day as an opportunity to thank the mothers in my life - my mom, my grandmothers, my mother in law. But it's also a chance to just celebrate the opportunity that life has given me...the chance to be a mother to my kids. I would never begrudge any mother that opportunity, even if I was still struggling to become a mother myself. I know, I know...easy for me to say NOW. But truly.

Let it go. Enjoy where you are now. Life is too short. You don't want to regret letting any happy moments pass you by.

katedaphne said...

I like what both previous commenters have said. But for you, I would add: Feeling as you do, I think you and you family should create a tradition that works for you. Whether that is volunteering together at a nursing home or soup kitchen, going on a picnic, or whatever. You can't pretend the day doesn't exist, but you can create your own meaning.

MrsSpock said...

I, too, am a fan of taking something and making personal meaning from it. The mister and I are foodies, and our anniversary is the 6th, and generally falls near Mother's Day, so we usually pull a double duty and have a fantastic meal at a great local restaurant run by a skilled chef. This year, my husband stopped at a store after picking our son up from day care, and they picked out some flowers for me. This was on Tuesday, so we don't focus on MD being THE day.

Last year, for Father's Day, as we don't focus on gift giving in our family, I took our son to my mom's for the day, and my husband had the house to himself.

But I get you on the "bitter" sentiment too. Pregnancy does not make me feel so bitter, as glowing reports of breastfeeding. It just takes time and effort replace that angry commentary in our minds with a new one.

Anonymous said...

I just dont know. I just wanted you to know (as Im sure you do) that you arent alone.

Leah Maya Benjamin said...

YOu have a couple of years to get over it before your oldest atarts really getting confused because its suppose to be a happy holiday. Of course as an infertile it was awful so No I didn't go to any family celebrations but I was very thankful for my mom and also granmothers. Now that Maya is home I have taken the day to just enjoy finally getting to be a mother to her, nothing else relaly matters, thats what makes me happy. This year its willb e at a horseshow so thats fun, you are welcome to come if you want!
but really its not doing any justice to those still struggling to not enjoy your children and be grateful that you are their mother, no other presents needed.

Sara said...

My thoughts were along the same lines as Panama's (oh wise Panama, where would we all be without you?) and Tracy's. I'm not much for hallmark holidays as it is (we don't really celebrate valentine's day either, even though I am very lucky in the love department), but I try to make mother's day about truly appreciating the fact that I am a mother, rather than celebrating my role as a mother. I hope that makes sense.

As for being bitter, I feel you. As you know, I am a seething well of bitterness also. For so long, I felt like my bitterness and hot anger were the only reasons that I got my first child (because they helped me to be determined enough to go to the ends of the earth to get her). Now that I'm about to go to the ends of the earth again for just a long shot at #2, though, I have realized that it just doesn't seem to be working anymore. Being bitter just makes me, well, bitter. So I'm trying to let it go. I realized recently that letting go of my bitterness about infertility doesn't mean that infertility is OK. It sucks, sucked, and will continue to suck for the foreseeable future. It just means being OK with my life, despite infertility. So, I'm trying. I hope I get there some day.

I don't know if that made any sense. My thoughts are still very much a work in progress.

Anonymous said...

As someone still waiting, I often find myself a little insulted even though, as you know I understand, in a pretty complex way, why this stuff happens and gets stuck inside of us. You made it! Please enjoy it! Enjoy it for me! Enjoy it so that I can stand on the outside looking in and see someone who I identify with rejoining her ability love. Because you have done that, even though you are a changed person by all you have been through. Enjoy it because, even though it wasn't your first or even second choice about how to get here, you got (t)here, and it gives hope to the rest of us waiting in the wings. And furthermore, enjoy it for your girls. You are the moon and the stars and the earth for them. I remember when my parents 50th wedding anniversary arrived, and my father wanted to celebrate, and my mother didn't, and I found myself feeling very hurt. After I rolled it around a while, I realized that celebrating the anniversary was also celebrating everything that came out of it, ie me! Maybe not now, but in a couple of years when they are older, it is an opportunity for them, no matter how commercial, to touch in on how much you mean to them.