An emotional and physical boost

It has not been a very good day. It hasn't been bad exactly, more melancholy than anything. We didn't sleep well last night, we need to mow the lawn, I fly out at 7:00 am tomorrow for work.

Thankfully we have access to the one true sap of goodness, health and happiness.

We are off to our favorite espresso stand to get an iced mocha!

All. Is. Well.

We might even get around to mowing the lawn afterwards.

Update: The lawn is mowed and the spirits are lifted.

Choices

I had an interesting discussion with a good friend today and I had a couple of revelations. Or at least what seem to be revelations. I have too much experience with waffling about how I feel on this infertility road to fully commit to any idea that hasn't withstood the test of time.

The first thing that struck me is that I really am doing quite well adjusting to - even embracing - the use of donor eggs. Not that I don't have my moments of sadness. Actually, my moments of sadness are also moments of hope. It has all been very confusing at times. I recently told Brad that I feel like crying, but I am too happy. As I was trying to explain all these conflicting feelings to my friend, I sorted out that I am doing quite well and I feel guilty about it.

Sounds crazy, doesn't it? I could understand if we were talking about donor sperm. It would make sense to feel guilty about being more excited to have a baby than sad about my husband losing his chance for genetic offspring, but how can I feel guilty for not feeling bad enough about my own genetic component? Maybe it is similar to running a race. This is a very important race and I am going to cross that finish line no matter what it takes. But the finish line keeps moving farther and farther away and I am getting more and more weary. "I can do it", I tell myself. "Just keep going . . . one more step, one more try." And then someone (actually many someones) comes along and offers to help me make it over that line. I am grateful for the assistance, but then I wonder, "Is it cheating? Does it still count if I have help? Could I make it on my own if I just try a little bit longer?"

I have an answer to those questions. They are: No; Yes; and Maybe, but I am ok if I never find out. These answers may not be inherently true, but is my choice to believe in them.

There is another choice I have made today. It is a choice I hope will feel as good tomorrow as it does tonight. Here is how that choice unfolded:

While I was talking with my friend I wondered when I would feel like the child (if we are fortunate enough to get pregnant and have a baby) was mine. Would it be sometime during the pregnancy? After the child is born? Will it feel weird to visualize the embryo implanting in my uterus knowing that the embryo was not from and of me? "Why not just decide?", my friend asked.

She used the right words because it reminded me of the day I knew I would spend the rest of my life with Brad and it is a story I love to tell. We dated for a long time mostly because I was afraid of ending up in an unhappy marriage. I knew that Brad was capable of loving me forever, but I wasn't sure I could stay in love with him. Then one day while I was in the Peace Corps, about four months since I had last seen him and five years since our first date, it occurred to me that I could decide that he was the love of my life. I could just commit fully to being in love with Brad - forever. In a split second all my doubts about staying in love where gone. It was just that easy.

So why can't I just decide that the embryos would be my children? Heck, why not just decide that the eggs are mine too. What a nice thought . . . Belinda currently incubating a bunch of follicles on the cusp of growing my eggs which will lead to our embryos. At transfer, they will be our embryos that I will visualize snuggling in for an eight and a half month stay. So tonight I make that choice. I just wonder how Belinda will feel when she finds out she is walking around with my eggs. I think she would be ok with it.

A bump in the road

I am calling this a temporary set back. I know I will get over it quickly. I thought "talking" about it would help.

Today I was insulted by a fellow infertile. I was called selfish and unwilling to help other infertiles. Since I have taken it as my personal responsibility to do what I can to raise awareness about infertility and to reach out - both on the internet and in real life - to people dealing with infertility, the insults really cut to the core. It was prompted by a misunderstanding - a post I had made that was read in a way I didn't intend. I apologized and attempted to clarify my statement. Then I was insulted.

This is the first time I have been treated so badly by a fellow infertile. It is painful to go to a place where I expect support and understanding, arriving with my guard down, to get a knife in the heart. Perhaps I am naive. I thought that we were friends simply because we shared the road of infertility. I thought I was safe from hurtful comments among those perceived friends.

Live and learn I guess. Fortunately, one of the things I have learned along this path is that I can choose the people I interact with. This is one person I don't need to be around in the future. Thankfully, I have met some really wonderful people since I started exploring the blogosphere.

Thank you Belinda, Leah and Lori and Irish Girl and Sully and Kim and PJ and Meg and Mel and Laura and Geohde and Farah and Jill and so many others!

A bundle of sunshine all weekend long!

That was my promise to Brad last weekend. During all the drama over the billing issue at the clinic, Brad told me that it didn't matter if it got resolved before the weekend or not - even if it was resolved in my favor - because I would find something else IF related to worry about.

I am happy to report that I can let go of IF worries for an entire weekend. I had a few moments where I slipped into old habits, but with Brad's gentle reminders, I quickly got back on track. It was a great weekend!

There is more good news: Belinda had her b/w today (CD3's and all the other stuff for donors) and her physical is Thursday so we should know pretty quickly if we are all set for September.

Brad and I also starting wearing our Infertility Bracelet over the weekend. I made a simple "friendship bracelet" pattern out of the DMC #814 embroidery floss. I missed that phase when I was a kid, but it wasn't too hard. I hope it will be noticed - and I hope to notice it on others.

Arrrrrrrrrrrg! (Updated - again)

After deciding that the billing people at my clinic were not going to ever put me in touch with my RE, I decided to call the front desk and try the more direct approach.

Me: May I speak to Dr. R please?
Receptionist: Dr. R will be out of the office until the 13th.
Me: Head explodes

I thought I might need to get through the weekend without a resolution - now it looks like it will be more than a week. Plus I will be working in the corporate office that week and may not find the privacy to call.

BTW, Anyone near Niagara Falls, NY? That's where I will be the week of August 13th. I would love to meet a fellow infertile.


Updated 13:00: My billing contact just called (who has been very helpful and understanding, I think it has been her manager who has put up the road block) to say they are talking about this issue again and if the answer is "no" then the RE should be calling me back to discuss it. Just as I was letting this one go for the next week I am on pins and needles again. It is reminiscent of being in the middle of a cycle.

Updated 14:40: The billing lady called to tell me that, although they still believe it was a misunderstanding on our part, they are going to give me the "x3" for a donor cycle. YEAH!!!!

They charged me the difference in price ($500 -still giving me a net savings for this cycle of $1500). I would have felt a bit more satisfied had the RE remembered what he promised us (although I acknowledge that both Brad and I could have misunderstood the doctors intention, I am quite convinced that we did not), but it is a kinder gesture on his part if he really believed that he did not offer this in the first place.

The bottom line is I feel much better knowing we can do a second donor egg cycle if needed. We might have an 80% chance of success, but I just can't believe it will be that easy for us. Thanks everyone for your support over the last couple of days.

Enter, stage-left: Grief

Today it struck me how fragile I can still feel sometimes. These days I mostly notice the strength I have gained over the years. I remember a time when I could cry all day or spend hours staring at the ceiling. I remember when I could feel every breath I took and I wondered how I was going to survive the next one.

It has been at least a year, maybe two, since those days when sadness and grief were so overwhelming. Yet, they are far from gone. Today's interaction with my clinic is a big deal - but in the end it is only money and, at worst, could mean we spend less than 20% more than we expected. Not that it won't have a big impact on our finances, but after a certain point, you just go into survival mode. We will cash in more of our retirement or take out a new, larger home equity loan. We will survive, at least financially.

It is this feeling of rejection and grief that has surprised me. Once again the universe has decided that we are not worthy. I feel the weight of the past several years - all the losses and disappoints and that feeling that it is just so damned hard. Why do we need to keep fighting? Why don't things come easily for a change? We fight to make our bodies do what they seem incapable of doing. We fight to find the money to keep trying. We fight to find the emotional strength to keep going. We fight to enjoy life in spite of everything.

And now we are fighting to get what we were promised by our clinic. I know the grief I am feeling today isn't really about this situation - or at least not only about this situation. It is about all the times we had to struggle and keep ourselves going when we wanted to give up, but weren't (and still aren't) ready to not have what we so strongly desire. I don't want to keep fighting, but I know I will.

Don't they understand that it is personal? (Updated)

I know it isn't really personal, but it feels personal.

But let me start at the beginning. My clinic doesn't have a typical shared risk program. What they do offer is what I call the "buy 2 get 1 free" package and what the clinic calls a "x3" package. If you have a baby with the first cycle, then you just spent several thousand dollars more than you would have if you bought just one cycle. If you do need the second cycle, chances are you will have saved a couple thousand dollars. If you need the third, you will save around $10,000. The goal from the clinics perspective is to have it all even out in the end so it neither costs them or makes them money.

To that end, the price varies depending upon the woman's age and the typical cost of the cycle. Someone under 35 only pays $12,000 for up to 3 cycles (drugs and extras like ICSI, AH not included). For someone 38-40 it is $15,000 and for donor eggs it is $15,500 for 3 cycles.

Here is the issue. After our 3rd failed IVF cycle, our RE offered us a "special x3" where we would buy 1 more cycle with my eggs and up to 2 cycles with donor eggs. I remember Brad and I looking at each other and thinking, "Sounds great!" Well, when I tried to pay for this package (thinking the cost would be somewhere between $15,000 and $15,500) I couldn't get the billing people to acknowledge what I was saying. It was like it was such a foreign idea, they couldn't even hear it. "Fine, just charge me for x3 for my eggs." I figured we could work out the details if we needed to move on to DE.

Flash forward to the DE cycle and they want to credit me for the x3 cycle and charge on a per cycle basis. If we get pregnant this cycle it would end up costing us between $1500 and $2000 more than x3 cost. If we needed a third cycle it would be about $10,000 more.

By this time I have talked to at least 2 people several times each and one finally said they would take it to the financial committee and get back to me. I told them that sounded good and if the answer came back less than what I expected to please have the doctor call me.

Well, they said I could use the x3 for my cost only. For those of you unfamiliar with donor eggs, the vast majority of the cost is for the donor! Although I haven't figured the cost at this point, I am sure their plan would cost me more for 2 or 3 cycles. Of course, I asked for the doctor again - after all it is his clinic and it was his suggestion.

Response so far? I will see if the doctor will call you back but I don't think it will make a difference. He is not part of the committee, but he was part of this discussion.

I am sitting here waiting for the call that may not come. I feel personally shunned. I even feel a bit betrayed. I know it isn't personal, but anything remotely associated with TTC can feel personal.

I just hope the RE calls back today. I just can't believe he wouldn't stand behind what he promised. At least, he'd better have one darn good reason why not.

Update: As the afternoon wore on I decided to call and check the status with the billing lady. It turns out my doctor is out today and she will try to have him call tomorrow. She will call me either way. I spent half of my lunch break crying. Why does every little thing seem so hard sometimes? Ug. Well, trying to let it go for now. I will update as I get it.

Views from our Donor

Belinda sent this email the day after our visit to the lawyer. It is reprinted here with her permission.

Hi Kami.

Just thinking of you as I turn in for the night. I hope you had a good day, and get good rest tonight.

I am feeling lonely in my excitement as I have no one to share it with. I suppose this is a good opportunity for me to learn increased independence, though I wasn't looking for one.

Sooo.....I am excited to have a cycle, and about my physical (never thought I would be excited about a pap smear) but I can't wait to find out my antricalfolical count. Still not sure what that is.

It is amazing what an outcast I am. I am an outcast to the world of people trying to conceive, and based on my casual comments to get fertile people's views on egg donation; they are not supportive. Glad I'm not advertising. Interesting, I feel like I'm trying to be so helpful, but I have to hide my fertility at the clinic, and my desire to donate everywhere else.

What I'm trying to say is......thank you for being supportive of me. This would be tough to do with out you.

Sincerely,

Belinda