Thursday, August 2, 2007

Enter, stage-left: Grief

Today it struck me how fragile I can still feel sometimes. These days I mostly notice the strength I have gained over the years. I remember a time when I could cry all day or spend hours staring at the ceiling. I remember when I could feel every breath I took and I wondered how I was going to survive the next one.

It has been at least a year, maybe two, since those days when sadness and grief were so overwhelming. Yet, they are far from gone. Today's interaction with my clinic is a big deal - but in the end it is only money and, at worst, could mean we spend less than 20% more than we expected. Not that it won't have a big impact on our finances, but after a certain point, you just go into survival mode. We will cash in more of our retirement or take out a new, larger home equity loan. We will survive, at least financially.

It is this feeling of rejection and grief that has surprised me. Once again the universe has decided that we are not worthy. I feel the weight of the past several years - all the losses and disappoints and that feeling that it is just so damned hard. Why do we need to keep fighting? Why don't things come easily for a change? We fight to make our bodies do what they seem incapable of doing. We fight to find the money to keep trying. We fight to find the emotional strength to keep going. We fight to enjoy life in spite of everything.

And now we are fighting to get what we were promised by our clinic. I know the grief I am feeling today isn't really about this situation - or at least not only about this situation. It is about all the times we had to struggle and keep ourselves going when we wanted to give up, but weren't (and still aren't) ready to not have what we so strongly desire. I don't want to keep fighting, but I know I will.


Geohde said...

Grief is a b*tch. That's all there is to say. She gets me at the most in-opportune times.

Hang in there,



AwkwardMoments said...

GOSH- as if this journey isn't hard enough - it seems sometimes we are the only ones fighting for US!! Sending you positive thoughts so this soon passes over for you !!

Meg said...

I hope the fight is worth it in the end. I can totally relate to this post. And I am so sick of people saying "you only get dealt what you can handle" and "theres a lesson here somewhere" - yeah whatever....well it sucks either way. Sorry you feel this way.

SULLY said...

Thursday must have been "the day" for all of us.

I hope you feel better today!

Lori Lavender Luz said...

{{{Kami}}. Just being with you while you're sad. I'm sorry this has been so difficult.

Pamela T. said...

I find that with each reminder (no matter how small) of how hard things can be, how much stamina it takes to move forward, I inevitably tap into the larger, cumulative feelings of loss and sadness. As you say it can at times be completely overwhelming. I fully appreciate how difficult this past week was for you, how fragile you (and we) can feel at times.

Wishing you peace and strength to keep pushing ahead...