One step closer

Thank you ladies for you comments to my last post. They were are wonderfully uplifting to read. In fact, I have reread them a few times today. To answer your question, Sully - I wonder if I might feel differently if I were adopting a child who was already here. Although I also think of using donor eggs as a form of adoption, perhaps the tie between conceiving and being a mom wouldn't be so obvious.

Moving right along . . . Brad, Belinda and I met with the attorney today to put together the paperwork for the donor eggs. Brad and I signed it today, but Belinda and her husband need to meet with another attorney to go over it once more. It went very smoothly.

This was also the first time Brad and Belinda met. It went well in so many ways. Every time the attorney left the room to print or copy something we would launch into conversation, but it just wasn't enough. We were hoping she would have time to get together to chat, but were concerned about taking too much of her time. Happily, she offered to get together first. We headed off to the nearest cafe to chat!

We decided that I would ride with Belinda since Brad and I both knew (sort of) where we were going. As I climbed into the passenger seat, I moved a couple of items that were on the seat. Belinda said, "Oh, let me get that" and despite my protests came around to my side of the car to tidy up. To show how little I cared that she wasn't perfectly tidy, I locked my door. She took it in the spirit intended and laughed. It wasn't until about an hour later I found out why it bothered her so much. It was a package of baby wipes on the floor. She was concerned that seeing them would upset me. How many fertile people do you know who would notice something like that?!

At the cafe, we talked for over an hour. Sometimes asking for detailed information about her history, family, health, etc. and sometimes just talking about whatever came to mind. We determined that we are undecided about how much involvement we want from each other after a child is born (thinking positively here). I understand she would like some updates, but is leaving it up to us to decide the limits of involvement. I think I would like to stay in regular contact, but I don't know what "regular" means at this point -we will figure it out as we go.

There was also a conversation regarding how she wanted to give her child a full sibling. She was the product of a unique union and while she has 4 half-siblings, none share both her mother and father. This is something that has made her a bit sad.

The reason I mention this is because I sometimes still go back to the idea of cycling along with Belinda. I know, I said it was off the table, but that was when I didn't think we would be able to cycle in September with donor eggs - I thought I could use that cycle for one more try with my eggs if I wanted to. The part that holds me back is the possibility of having twins where one was from my eggs and one from Belinda's. I know there are many genetically mixed families out there and I know we could make it work if we decided on that path, but I also think it may be best not to add another layer of complication. I guess that is a very long-winded way of saying that Belinda's experience lends more weight to trying for 100% genetically linked siblings over the possibility of having my genetic offspring. Besides, to be brutally honest, cycling with my eggs is most likely to only produce a larger debt.

She is also willing to do a second cycle, if needed. Of course, since she hasn't done one yet we amiably acknowledged that she might change her mind. She is just a very kind person. Brad and I are happy to know her and feel very fortunate that we crossed paths and this time. I sure hope it works out all the way to having a baby.

This evening has been so peaceful because of our positive experience with Belinda. I feel very good about our path right now. I suspect that feeling will come and go just like it has over the last several weeks, but right now it feels wonderful.

A little self pick-me-up

I have only recently returned home after a backpacking trip with friends. There was beautiful scenery, good companionship and even Harry Potter (it was a short hike in and well worth bringing the book). It was a nice few days. Of course, I never stopped thinking about ttc. I take that back - there were a few moments when I was able to be wholly present: swimming in the lake, watching the trees blow in the wind, taking in the view one evening.

Yet, the vast majority of moments involved thinking about the upcoming cycle. Mostly it was hopeful, I am happy to say. I counted the days until the next cycle begins. I dreamed about this cycle working. "Maybe I will be pregnant this winter." "Maybe we will have some embryos to freeze this time." I imagined reading Harry Potter to our children. I was feeling very good about the odds this cycle - the benefits of using a younger woman's eggs. Yes, it is a little bit sad that our child won't have my eyes, but to have a baby! It will be worth it. It will be so worth it.

Then I arrived home and checked the mail. The bill for the upcoming cycle arrived. The first paragraph read, " . . . scheduled for in vitro fertilization with donor egg in the September 2007 series."

Suddenly I felt very different about everything. "How did I become her?", I thought. "How did I become someone who was incapable of creating a child with her own eggs? I don't want to be her. I can't be her!" I was so embarrassed. I panicked - thinking, "What if someone finds out?!"

Well, of course someone will find out. Or more accurately, everyone already knows. My friends, family, and co-workers all know. My internet community knows. There is no secret here. Why do I still feel shame? Why do I feel like there must be something inherently wrong with me? I feel like I have committed some horrible crime and am being marched in front of the camera with a subtitle reading: Kami - suspected of failing to produce viable embryos.

I don't have an answer to those questions, but I can tell you what I am doing about it. First of all, I am posting this in a blatant call for support and understanding. I am also reminding myself that there really is no shame in infertility. After all, that is one of the reasons I started this blog - to play my small part in helping to remove the stigma of infertility. And I am going to make a list of the reasons I am not a failure and there is no reason to be ashamed:

• I have made the best choices I could at each step of this journey. It's not my fault it has come to this.
  
• I have kept going after multiple losses, set backs and growing debt.
• Brad and I have pulled together instead of apart during this journey.
  
• I continue to move forward with donor eggs even though, at times, I am scared or sad or ashamed.
  
• I choose to be content with who I am and peaceful in our choice to keep trying to have a baby.
• I am not ashamed.
  
• Someday (I hope!) I will proudly tell our children what we were willing to do to bring them into this world.
• I am proud of Brad and I for being able to make such hard unconventional decisions than most to start a family. (Added after the suggestion from Inconceivable)
  

Well, I feel better already. I needed a little self pick-me-up. Thanks for listening.

More Belinda (donor) updates

Things are starting to happen pretty quickly now. Belinda got in for her personality assessment (don't get me started on why they do this for egg donors and not sperm donors), she has her pre-cycle physical scheduled and we will all three (Brad, Belinda, me) will be meeting with the lawyer on Monday. If that all goes well - and I fully expect it will - just CD3 blood work for Belinda and a meeting with the social worker. We will both go on BCP's with our next cycle.

Belinda also spoke with the donor egg coordinator at our clinic today who said that it is striking how alike the two of us are. I think we are amazingly alike too both in appearance and personality.

Here is a picture of the two of us the day we met and first seriously discussed Belinda being our egg donor.

I'm the one who is 39.5 years old.

I did have a bit of a meltdown when my nurse coordinator told me to let her know when my next CD1 is so that I can go on BCP's to get in sync with Belinda. If I was cycling with my eggs, she wouldn't have be go on BCP's so soon. That may seem like a small thing, but it makes the whole "this is a donor cycle not my egg cycle" idea hit home. I really hate that someone else is doing what I should be doing. Fortunately, I have an office at my new job so I can close my door and cry. Which I did - and it helped.

Perspectives

Some random happenings that have effected the way I currently view our path . . .

I had a dream about my RE. Actually I had a dream I was my RE. I was looking across my desk explaining to a couple (Brad and I) how the cycle went beautifully - good E2 levels, good looking embryos, but we still failed to produce a viable baby. In the back of my mind, I was thinking about how I have done everything I could think of for this couple. I orchestrated the growth of the eggs with textbook like results. The embryologist grew healthy looking embryos. I was controlling for everything that was within my reach, yet it wasn't enough. What else could I offer them except to move on to donor eggs? I'd hate to see them keep trying this again and again and not be successful.

I told a friend that we had found a donor. She was so excited for me. She said, "I don't consider myself a psychic or empath, but sometimes I sense this energy . . . I know you will be a mom. I don't know which path you will take to get there, but I know you will be a mom. You are going to be a great mom." This brought instant tears to my eyes. I don't know if I really believe in being able to sense the future so it wasn't her confidence that shook me. It was the realization that this is all about me being a mom. Me. Being a mom. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in details, I forget what the end goal is.

Our donor may be ready as soon as September. It was always a possibility, but it is actually starting to seem likely. I just found out yesterday and I am very excited. I was talking to Belinda about scheduling a physical and suddenly I was so sad I could have sobbed if I wasn't calling from work. This really is the end of the journey for the possibility of having my genetic child. It's ok though. Around the edge of that sadness was a voice that said, "This is good. This grief means that I am moving on." As we get closer I suspect I will feel greater sadness, but I also know that beyond the sadness is greater acceptance. I am looking forward to the day when I will be ok with all of this.


On a lighter note - I just got some really neat yarn in the mail for my next baby blanket project. I also got some DMC #814 for my "secret handshake". I'm looking forward to getting started on both.

Share the love

I was going to post about how I am slowly coming to terms with moving to donor eggs, but it kept turning into "poor me" instead. So I took a breather and roamed around some of my favorite blogs and decided to take Lori up on her suggestion to count the ways I love myself.

This is probably just what I need today.

• I love my ability to work with all kinds of people (I am still enjoying my new job).
• I love my uterus. It creates a happy, safe place for our embryos.
• I love my ovaries. They have done they best they could do in a tough situation.
• I love my smile - especially when it goes all the way to my eyes.
• I love my body. I can dance and ride my bicycle.
• I love my tummy. I am more than thin enough.
• I love my heart. It keeps beating and keeps me breathing even when it aches.
• I love my eyes. They let me see the beauty of summer.
• I love my skin. I love all the nerve endings that let me feel the breeze.
• I love my mouth and the way it makes me feel when it smiles.
• I love that I can still laugh and love and enjoy life.
• I love me. I am my oldest and best friend.

Thank you Lori - a wonderful idea. I am feeling more content and less weepy. I think I will hold on to these thoughts while I take my lovely feet for a walk by the river.

A message from our egg donor

I have asked Belinda, formerly "Miss D" to comment or be a guest blogger on my blog. This is her first, of hopefully many, posts.

In your July 3 blog you stated you would like to hear something believable in the direction of your worth or value. Allow me to lend you my opinion on the matter.

A woman who can have a baby when she is not "trying" could be construed as some one of value because she can bring new life to the world. That same woman then must choose what to do with this life she has created. (Not to leave the guys out here, but we are talking about women for now) Many women feel an immense amount of love and nurturing instinct. Many do not. So then, apparently, it is an option to keep this child alive until they are capable of doing so themselves, all the while they can feel they are unwanted.

A woman can care for a child that is not biologically her own, and love and nurture that child who will grow up knowing they were loved and wanted. Never knowing it could have gone a different way.

A woman can also feel such a strong drive to nurture and raise a child that she is willing to spend endless money, time, effort and tears so that she has the opportunity to fulfill this instinctual drive.

If I were to name women I knew who were of value, you would be one of them.

And when I say you have value, I feel quite confident in my expertise on the matter, and you should believe me.

Sincerely,

Belinda

3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . 0

We have lift off! High speed is up and running at 2000x the speed of our dial up. We also wired for wi-fi so Brad and I will no longer be fighting for computer time - at least when he brings his laptop home from work.

My intention was to get caught up on blogs, but my first stop was Coming2Terms which led to the International Infertility Film Festival which led me to all kinds of fun (and some tears) on You Tube. I was just getting warmed up when my sister and her husband showed up for dinner. We invited them over to help just in case we had problems getting the high speed set up. We were ok, but Hoan did help us get our system encrypted. Thanks Hoan!

Then we were off to see Transformers. Parts of the movie were good and parts were goofy or just plain lame. Early in the movie there is a scene where some soldiers can't wait to go home. One comments about how he can't wait to hold his little girl for the first time blah blah blah. I admit, I was feeling a bit sensitive already, but when he told his wife over internet video, "We made a beautiful baby together," I walked out. Brad and I won't be making a beautiful baby together. Hopefully we will be raising a beautiful baby together which I know is more important, but at that moment all I heard was, "Not me." Come on! Wouldn't you think that Transformers would be a reproductively safe movie? It was like stubbing your toe in the middle of the night. The pain really isn't that bad, you just aren't mentally prepared for it.

Anyway, we got back home at around 11:00 and I did hit a couple of blogs, but since I haven't had enough sleep in weeks, I really must get to bed.

Dial up, a new job and other excuses

I want to thank everyone who has been reading my blog and offer my apologies - and excuses - as to why I haven't been returning the favor recently.

1) The new job is sucking away my free time. No, it hasn't been a lot of overtime, I just need to get reacquainted with working again. I am still enjoying it - it's not near as nice as being unemployed, but working pays better. It is making the week go a lot faster which means our chance to cycle will get here sooner. Sadly, it also means I haven't had more than a few minutes each evening to get on the net.

2) We still have dial up. Sometimes I load 3-4 blogs and then walk away for a few minutes (if my husband isn't around to steal the computer) Sometimes I will keep clicking from page to page waiting for one of them to show some text. I will think of all kinds of things I want to comment and will load those comment pages . . . only to lose track of what I wanted to say to whom. Obviously, I have done it in the past, it just takes hours and I haven't had that lately.

3) I haven't been sleeping well (warm at night and a lot on my mind) so I am tired and grumpy. I try not to leave grumpy posts.

The good news is that I will get used to working again and organizing my free time better, we are getting high speed this weekend (yeah!!!) and after the visit with my RE, I have felt a bit more peaceful and (hopefully) will start sleeping better.

I hope this weekend will be the chance I need to get catch up with everyone.