Some happenings around IVF #5

Thanks again to everyone for your thoughts and well wishes. It helps so much. It has been a nice weekend. I am still not sleeping well at all which has made me a bit of a basket case, but I am surviving and Brad hasn't tried to kill me yet so we are doing ok.

Yesterday Belinda had her appointment. I didn't go with her because I was away on a camping trip. We actually slept in a hotel Friday night. Saturday morning, before heading out for what turned out to be some beautiful day hiking, I called Belinda to see how she was doing and how the appointment went. Our wonderful egg donor is pretty uncomfortable. She is tired and is cramping a lot. I feel so bad for her. I hope it doesn't get much worse. Her appointment went well, however. Dr. R. was unusually chatty, asking her how old she was, how many kids, how old were the kids. Like me, Belinda wasn't sure if he was just making conversation or probing about her fertility. She didn't know how to answer the question about the number of kids she has. Yes, seems easy, but is he asking about her fertility - in which case she has given birth to two - or is he asking about how many kids she has - which is three (she is currently trying to adopt a daughter she has raised since 18 months). She answered two, but then felt guilty about lying.

After getting off the phone with Belinda, the worst case scenarios starting going through my mind. Are her E2 levels dropping? Are her follicles not growing? Is he concerned she that she doesn't have very many? I got myself all worked up to the point that I called my nurse and asked her to check it out for me. Thankfully, she was checking her voice mail so I was able to find out pretty quickly that Dr. R. was just making conversation. I don't exactly feel silly asking - I am very thankful to have the reassurance, but they must think I am crazy. My RE probably believes (correctly) that I am watching and interpreting everything he says like some early Junior High romance. "What do you think Tommy meant when he asked if I liked Algebra?" would be the equivalent.

I am so shameless, I asked him again in person today. Over the last 24 hours, I imagined that he is a bit concerned, but knowing there is nothing to be done about it, he is not letting me know. I figured in person I could read his body language. My conclusion is that he is being honest and he really does believe everything is going fine. Yep, I feel better. For now.

Everything else went pretty well at my appointment too. He said that my lining was good (7.9, I think and he showed me the triple stripe). Then he checked out my ovaries. Since I am not taking Lupron, I do have a beautiful follicle growing at 19 mm. I joked that we should just aspirate it and see what happens. Dr. R. pointed out that there is only one, to which I replied, "But it might be the lucky one!" He laughed and asked if we bought lottery tickets. My husband quipped, "Why? Do you think that will help?" Sadly, no, he didn't think aspirating one follicle nor buying lottery tickets would help. I start genirelix (to keep from ovulating) tonight.

One other nice event. Today I ran into a couple whom I recognized from our previous cycle. I said hello, gave my condolences and wished them luck this cycle. They did the same and then they were gone. Why do I let these chances to get to know more IRL infertiles just dissolve? I decided that the next time I made a connection with someone I would get a phone number. Brad and I sat in a fairly full waiting room for about 30 minutes while no one spoke. I looked around the room and tried to figure out with whom I could start a conversation. Gosh, this part is so hard. "So, what brings you here?" "Do you have any kids yet?" "Is this your first time or are you a 4 time loser like me?" Nothing comes to mind even though I know that once a conversation starts it usually flows easily until one of us gets called in. I notice a lady across the way looking toward me. I look away. Was I embarrassed for being a 4 time loser or just not ready at that moment to expose my vulnerability? I don't know. A few minutes later we both look up at the same time. We say a simple "Hi" to each other. The conversation flows. She is from out of town and staying in a motel. I offer to get together. We have each other's phone numbers. We will be getting together tomorrow night for dinner. Yeah!

This has gotten me thinking . . . what if we all made an effort to connect with another individual in our clinics. If it seemed we were compatible at all, we would offer our phone number or email or whatever and make an effort to get together at least once. Even if the connection ended at the end of the cycle, it would be a connection. What if, eventually, it became the culture that people were expected - and happy - to chat and connect and exchange contact information in the RE's waiting rooms across the world? Maybe going in for those monitoring appoints would be just a little bit less stressful because we would feel we were walking into a room full of support instead of into a room full of lonely, anxious people.

One step closer

Thank you ladies for you comments to my last post. They were are wonderfully uplifting to read. In fact, I have reread them a few times today. To answer your question, Sully - I wonder if I might feel differently if I were adopting a child who was already here. Although I also think of using donor eggs as a form of adoption, perhaps the tie between conceiving and being a mom wouldn't be so obvious.

Moving right along . . . Brad, Belinda and I met with the attorney today to put together the paperwork for the donor eggs. Brad and I signed it today, but Belinda and her husband need to meet with another attorney to go over it once more. It went very smoothly.

This was also the first time Brad and Belinda met. It went well in so many ways. Every time the attorney left the room to print or copy something we would launch into conversation, but it just wasn't enough. We were hoping she would have time to get together to chat, but were concerned about taking too much of her time. Happily, she offered to get together first. We headed off to the nearest cafe to chat!

We decided that I would ride with Belinda since Brad and I both knew (sort of) where we were going. As I climbed into the passenger seat, I moved a couple of items that were on the seat. Belinda said, "Oh, let me get that" and despite my protests came around to my side of the car to tidy up. To show how little I cared that she wasn't perfectly tidy, I locked my door. She took it in the spirit intended and laughed. It wasn't until about an hour later I found out why it bothered her so much. It was a package of baby wipes on the floor. She was concerned that seeing them would upset me. How many fertile people do you know who would notice something like that?!

At the cafe, we talked for over an hour. Sometimes asking for detailed information about her history, family, health, etc. and sometimes just talking about whatever came to mind. We determined that we are undecided about how much involvement we want from each other after a child is born (thinking positively here). I understand she would like some updates, but is leaving it up to us to decide the limits of involvement. I think I would like to stay in regular contact, but I don't know what "regular" means at this point -we will figure it out as we go.

There was also a conversation regarding how she wanted to give her child a full sibling. She was the product of a unique union and while she has 4 half-siblings, none share both her mother and father. This is something that has made her a bit sad.

The reason I mention this is because I sometimes still go back to the idea of cycling along with Belinda. I know, I said it was off the table, but that was when I didn't think we would be able to cycle in September with donor eggs - I thought I could use that cycle for one more try with my eggs if I wanted to. The part that holds me back is the possibility of having twins where one was from my eggs and one from Belinda's. I know there are many genetically mixed families out there and I know we could make it work if we decided on that path, but I also think it may be best not to add another layer of complication. I guess that is a very long-winded way of saying that Belinda's experience lends more weight to trying for 100% genetically linked siblings over the possibility of having my genetic offspring. Besides, to be brutally honest, cycling with my eggs is most likely to only produce a larger debt.

She is also willing to do a second cycle, if needed. Of course, since she hasn't done one yet we amiably acknowledged that she might change her mind. She is just a very kind person. Brad and I are happy to know her and feel very fortunate that we crossed paths and this time. I sure hope it works out all the way to having a baby.

This evening has been so peaceful because of our positive experience with Belinda. I feel very good about our path right now. I suspect that feeling will come and go just like it has over the last several weeks, but right now it feels wonderful.

A message from our egg donor

I have asked Belinda, formerly "Miss D" to comment or be a guest blogger on my blog. This is her first, of hopefully many, posts.

In your July 3 blog you stated you would like to hear something believable in the direction of your worth or value. Allow me to lend you my opinion on the matter.

A woman who can have a baby when she is not "trying" could be construed as some one of value because she can bring new life to the world. That same woman then must choose what to do with this life she has created. (Not to leave the guys out here, but we are talking about women for now) Many women feel an immense amount of love and nurturing instinct. Many do not. So then, apparently, it is an option to keep this child alive until they are capable of doing so themselves, all the while they can feel they are unwanted.

A woman can care for a child that is not biologically her own, and love and nurture that child who will grow up knowing they were loved and wanted. Never knowing it could have gone a different way.

A woman can also feel such a strong drive to nurture and raise a child that she is willing to spend endless money, time, effort and tears so that she has the opportunity to fulfill this instinctual drive.

If I were to name women I knew who were of value, you would be one of them.

And when I say you have value, I feel quite confident in my expertise on the matter, and you should believe me.

Sincerely,

Belinda

Our wonderful (likely) egg donor

Note: In later posts I "out" these two individuals - "L" becomes Leah and "Miss D" becomes Belinda.

I met her three days ago. We had talked on the phone twice over the last several weeks. The conversations went pretty well considering what we were discussing. I liked that she seemed to act the way I think I would act in her position. I also think I acted the way she would act were she in my position. She assured me I could as any questions I wanted and didn't want me to be uncomfortable. I told her I expected to be uncomfortable at times, but I was okay with that. It was important to find a good match. "Good," was her reply.

We made arrangements to meet at our mutual friend's house. I came to know our mutual friend, L, only about 6 months ago. We came together through our shared experience with infertility. Shortly after our third failed IVF cycle I let her know we were not happy with our clinic's donor program and were attempting to find our own donor. I asked her (and everyone else I knew) to please keep an eye out for someone kind of like me who might be willing to be our donor. She immediately thought of "Miss D" who was about my height, hair and eye color.

So last Friday I went out the door to meet Miss D for the first time. I realized on the way there that while I couldn't find it in me to fill out my clinics "Recipient Profile Form" because I hated thinking about needing to find a substitute for my genes, here I was getting ready to interview a substitute in person. It's funny how the mind works. Perhaps I just find it easier to take control of the situation and find my own match rather than fill out paper work that gives someone else the power to match us to a donor. Did I previously mention I can be a bit of a control freak?

At any rate, there I was, at my friends house waiting for Miss D to arrive. I was very conscious of the fact that I was acting natural. My hands were hanging loosely at my sides when they wanted to be crossed over my chest. I made an effort not to pace. I made small talk with L. Then I heard a vehicle in the driveway. It was an SUV. I thought, "Ugh. I would never drive an SUV!" OK, I told myself, not enough to go on. She has three kids after all and lives in an area where my Prius would likely get stuck a dozen times during the winter. I didn't watch her get out of the car. I just wasn't ready.

As she approached the house, I was trying not to let on that I was scrutinizing her appearance. She had her kids with her as I expected (they are cute and seemed intelligent) and the two year old was being carried on her hip. Her other hand was carrying a tray of fruit. She was wearing large dark sunglasses and I couldn't see her eyes. "I wonder what her eyes look like?", I thought to myself. Almost on cue, she announced, "Let me put this down so I can take off these bug-eyed sunglasses." She removed her sunglasses and looked at me in such a way that it was obvious I could have as long and detailed a look as I wanted. As I relive that moment, tears have come to my eyes at the thought of her kindness.

In fact, many things she did that day were very kind. When she found out her hormonal IUD would need to be removed, she made the appointment that very day. She gave me a hug when we met and when we parted. She made it easy to ask her whatever I wanted. It was obvious that she really wanted to help.

I am sorry to say that I didn't express my gratitude. At the time, I had put away my emotional self and was playing the professional. I could have been interviewing someone for a position at work or negotiating to buy some left over tires. It took about 24 hours for it all to sink in - the hope of finding a suitable donor and that sadness of needing to look. I woke up Sunday morning thinking, "Oh my gosh, how could I not have shown her how much her kindness meant - and means to me?" I wrote her an email that morning expressing my thanks. I suspect she understands.

Now we are in the process of getting the other details out of the way. She needs to take a Personality Assessment Inventory and start the process of getting checked out physically once the effects of the IUD wear off. Brad and I need to get in for our interview with the social worker and we both need to consult attorneys. At this point, it looks like we may still be able to cycle in November, but if that doesn't work, January should be the latest.