Is It Stealing?

A local gas station had a computer glitch for a few hours in the wee morning hours. Instead of charging 2.86 / gallon, customers were charged 1 cent / gallon. A poll on the local news station asked, "If you got gas for 1 cent per gallon due to a computer error, would you pay back the difference?" The results are showing that about 60% said they would not pay back the difference.

It that stealing? What would you do? What does it say about our society that the majority would not pay back the difference?

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In pregnancy news - we are 20 weeks and 2 days and all is going well. I am definitely feeling movement and our anatomy scan shows everything is where it should be. Perhaps it says something about my experience that I said during the u/s, "Could it be that we might have two healthy children?!"

What's In A Life?

Today it seems important to remember the past. It seems disloyal somehow to forget what happened five years ago today. Tonight at around 8:00 pm in 2004, I gave birth to a baby boy. A baby who could have been one of the 34 embryos who (that?) didn't implant or one of the two who implanted for just a few weeks. He had serious birth defects that made him non-viable outside the womb. In a way, he was a pregnancy that went on too long.

Why do I feel the need to honor and remember him when I don't feel the same about the other 34 embryos? In the end, they all had the same potential to life.

I don't believe in a soul. Whoever Ernest might have been had he been well, I will never know. I didn't know him at all. He no longer exists. He was all potential or, more accurately, perceived potential. By all logic, I could let this day pass like the days that I miscarried or days were I am reminded of events during my failed IVF cycles - a moment of sadness or reflection or even to just push the memory out of my mind.

I don't want to be sad today. I don't know how to remember and not be sad. It seems important to remember - as if to tell Ernest, "We remember you." Which makes no sense if he no longer exists.

I don't know. Perhaps we can mark the day in a way that emphasizes and celebrates what we do have while still acknowledging what we lost. In years past, we went geocaching but last year seemed rushed (to beat the setting sun - our first year that we weren't either off work or it landed on a weekend) so I think we will do something different this year. I suppose Brad and I will decide when he gets home.

Oh, Ernest, I wish you were here.

Perfect Moment Monday: Taking A Breath

It is that time of year again and I suspect (I hope) it is coloring my current situation. I have been feeling my baggage lately. Sometimes I lie in bed at night and wonder how I can still be breathing. I wonder how it all went so perfectly wrong - not just Ernest's conception and death but the 2 years before and the 4 years after while we waited for our Someday Baby. I have longed, once again, for our mutually genetic child so strongly that I felt, in that moment at least, I would trade in LB for Ernest to have lived and the following four years to have never happened.

Such thoughts lead to so many doubts: Would I have loved my genetic baby more? Am I really bonded with LB? What does it mean to be bonded to your child? Would I die for her? Am I a good mother to her? Will she grow up to say, "My mom did her best, but I knew she always wanted someone different."?

A few days into this funk, Brad and I were sitting in a cafe holding hands while LB made the rounds to family and friends - getting "pounds" (or however you say it), dancing to the music, signing for more whenever the music stopped. We were watching her meander and then, quite suddenly, the moment struck. It reminds me now of the last time when I was pregnant and I sat down my baggage for a minute. The image is burned in my mind: the feel of Brad's hand, the angle of my head, LB poised to walk out the door of the cafe and into the buildings corridor. Just an everyday, innocent moment; but I realized I was in love - in love with Brad, with LB and with my life - just the way it is. No regrets, no unfulfilled dreams, no still-healing wounds. What a perfect moment and I am so glad I got to experience it.*

Check out Lori's blog to see what other Perfect Moments people are sharing.

*I want to add that I have been thinking about my feelings for LB a lot lately - not just at night when my thoughts can run the most negative, but in the light of day. I realize I would die for her and that my interactions with her come from a place of love not just doing what I think I ought to do. I think we are doing ok.

Just A Little Rant

I will try not to be too negative because this isn't really a big deal, but it bugs me just the same.

The other day I was checking CNN for the headlines. I think it may have been the day the Nobel Peace prize was announced. Definitely some news there, but it was a few other articles that irritated me.

All on the same day there was:

• News that the Dugger's were expecting their first grandchild
• Someone had her second set of twins in two months
• Someone was expecting a boy

The last article I clicked on(in hindsight proving that it IS news) because it was the most non-news of them all. I thought it might at least explain who the person was and why I should care that she was having a boy. It didn't. It just said that this person was very happy to be pregnant, but even happier to know the baby was a boy so she could now go shopping and fix up the nursery. WTF? You and a million other people, I suspect.

Again, why should I care? How is this news?

Ok. I am off my soap box.

As for a more personal update:

• LB may be getting her first illness. She has a runny nose and Brad has a cold. I am hoping it is just a teething thing and it will pass.
  
• I think I have been feeling LBII move lately, but still won't believe it until I see it - next u/s is this Friday.
• We are seriously talking about me quitting my job if we have a live baby in March. I already feel like we don't make enough money, but who doesn't? Everything has trade-off's.
  
• We are shopping for a king size bed. The biggest question - will it fit into our bedroom and will we still be able to open our dresser drawers?
  
• My diet has taken a nose dive. While LB has been mostly sleeping through the night for several months now, I still don't. I wake up every time she moves, which is often. If she doesn't move for several hours, I wake up to make sure she is still breathing. It's crazy. I wonder if it is changing hormones that make it harder to sleep deeply. At any rate, I keep up my energy by eating lots of carbs - usually in the form of chocolate. I pop handfuls of chocolate chips like a addict popping pills.

It seems like I am a bit of a downer today. All my bullet points have a negative bent to them. When I do this to Brad he counters with, "Tell me something good that happened today." Here are some good things.

• I slept pretty good last night.
• LB and I danced to some kid music in the kitchen before work.
• After work, we hung out on a blanket in front of the fireplace and she played while I read.
• Right now LB is sitting on my lap and I am enjoying how it feels.
• Brad will be home soon and I am going to try really hard not to eat anymore banana chocolate chip cookies. (Why do I hear Yoda saying, "Either do or do not. There is no try."?)
  

Milestones

If you look closely at the picture on the left, you will see blue ink scribbles on the strip of wall. I all but had tears in my eyes as I took this picture with my cell phone to send to Brad while he was at work.

We have a little kid who wrote on our wall. How lucky are we?

Pregnancy Update

I have a rare moment when I am off work for the day and LB is sleeping (although I hope to join her soon) and thought I would give a quick update since I have been pretty quiet about the goings on around the pregnancy.

In a nutshell, the news is good. I am 16 weeks 4 days today. Yesterday was my appointment with my midwife (like the last pregnancy, I am seeing both a homebirth midwife and an OB; alternating every 2 weeks.) We heard that wonderful sound of a heartbeat and I think I even felt LBII move when she placed the doppler. I hope the movement will become more pronounced soon since it is so reassuring that the little guy is still alive.

In two weeks we will have an anatomy scan with my OB, but will not find out the sex. Hopefully we will find out that everything looks good, not that that is any kind of guarantee.

My mood seems to be improving after getting better for a bit and then worse again for a bit. I hope this is the end of getting worse. There are days when I have wondered if I would ever be truly happy again.

Speaking of being happy (or not), I am really unsatisfied with my job lately. Unfortunately, I don't think decent (not good, but ok) paying, part time jobs are readily available so it is this one or unemployment. Believe me that the latter is looking better and better. Brad will support me either way, but I know he prefers that I keep working. I don't earn much especially after paying a babysitter, but it is still enough to make the house payment each month (small house, remember?). Plus, if he suddenly lost his job I could probably go full time the very next day.

I also wonder how employable I would be 5 or so years from now, at 47-ish, if I were to quit working now. We do ok financially, but it would be nice to feel like we had a little more wiggle room in a few years.

Well, LB woke up, but I wanted to share what I found looking for median income - just trying to figure out where we stand. I was surprised to find we are in the 4th quintile. It makes me wonder how everyone buys what they buy. Oh wait, most people don't spend nearly two years net income on fertility treatments.

It is also interesting that if you make over $250,000 per year, you are in the top 1.5%. I wonder how many people in that range think they are in middle class? Well, I suppose they are in middle class if you define that bracket to cover 97% of the population.

Learning Moments

I thought I might intersperse my typical "infertilty sucks" posts with a few post about some mom stories. I will always start the title with "Learning Moments" so that anyone who doesn't want to read them can skip that post. I thought about calling them "Bad Mother Moments" which might be more accurate, but perhaps that is a bit too strong or at least makes it sound like I am looking for "your doing fine!" comments.

The first installment is . . . . Learning Moments: Setting Boundaries.

I have discovered that I am really bad at setting boundaries. Despite my disgust at seeing fertiles not control their kids or answering their requests with, in essence, "No. No. No. Yes.", I have found that I really struggle with this.

The other day, we were playing chase in a local Sho.pko. It was during the day, the store was practically empty, and I kept an eye out for other shoppers. LB isn't exactly a swift walker so it was pretty easy to contain our play. First I would chase her and then I would say, "You can't catch me!" and she will giggle and try to catch me as I would hide around the next corner.

LB positively LOVES this. She loves to walk just because she can and given our small house a store offers things she can't get either inside (because of size) or outside (lacking in obstacles and/or not lacking in cars).

Alas, all good things must come to an end. I don't want to be too obnoxious (lest there be some other infertiles in the store) so after a few minutes, I grabbed a cart and put LB in it.

LB instantly started crying like her world was ending. I suppose to her, it was. It was heartbreaking. Inside my head was the following conversation:

Heart: Oh, let her play!

Mind: We have shopping to do.

Heart: She was having so much fun. WE were having so much fun. Just this once.

Mind: Oh, ok.

Mind: No, wait! We already said "no". The time to keep playing is past.

Heart: Can't you hear her crying? Do you not see how sad she is? (Heart then tries to control arms and help LB back out of the cart.)

Mind: Must. Be. Strong. It is never going to be easier than this to teach LB that I am in charge. It is ok to put my needs first in this case. In the end, this will be good for both of us.

I am happy to report that LB did not get to run amok again. Eventually, I broke down and took her out of the cart and held her, but did not let her back down to walk around. Perhaps I shouldn't even have held her, but I reasoned it was a fair compromise given that she was overly tired as well as teething.

I honestly had no idea this would be hard for me. I am going to keep reminding myself to be strong (although not authoritarian, I hope) and to keep practicing. I don't want to become some 8 year old's(or God forbid, a teenager's!) personal servant.

If you have kids, did you struggle with this? How have you found a way to balance yours and your child's needs/wants? If you hope to have kids, how do you see yourself setting boundaries and sticking to them?

Reality Or Perception?

Before I get started on this post, I wanted to say thank you to all of the great thoughts and insights in the previous post.

I have recently had an experience that generated much discussion in my family over how dangerous the world really is.

Scene: Neighborhood park 2.5 blocks from my house. I am there with my 9 year old nephew, 4 year old nephew and LB - age 15 months. Unfortunately, our German Shepherd is also there with us after escaping out of the backyard. He is overly excited (because my nephews keep squealing every time he gets close making them great squeaky toys) and keeps running up and down on the play equipment - something he usually avoids. I don't have a leash and have decided the best thing to do is to leave the kids at the park and run home with the dog. I could take LB with me, but she would slow me down a great deal. I decide to leave the 9 year old in charge and tell him I will be less than 5 minutes. The oldest is nervous about being without an adult (and would not have agreed had the dog not been also very scary) so I point out a house across the street where there are obviously some adults home and tell him to run to that house if he gets scared for any reason.

I take the dog home, I am back in less than 5 minutes and everyone is well. I sit on the sidelines while my nephews crawl all over the play equipment for the next 30 minutes and occasionally assist LB in some minor adventures of her own.

Later, I tell my sister (my nephews' mother) about our adventures. She is shocked that I would not only leave a 9 year old in charge of a 4 year old and a 15 monty old, but says she wouldn't have even left her two kids alone in a neighborhood park for 5 minutes.

That starts which is to me a very disturbing conversation. The nine year old isn't even allowed, for example, to hang out in the toy aisle of a Target while she spends 20 minutes shopping. I spend the rest of the day - and on to the next - wondering if A) the world really is so much more dangerous than when were kids and B) how my nephews will cope with the world as they grow up if they continue to be so sheltered.

I don't know what was bothering me more - the thought that my nephews may grow up without the skills they need* or that there really is a boogy-man out to get LB.

Since that conversation, I have done a small amount of research at it appears that violent crime rates are actually lower than when I was a kid. There doesn't seem to be good data about abductions - especially from before 1980, but one fact that is often repeated is that there were 115 "stereotypical" abductions of children in a particular year (1999?). These were cases where a stranger kidnapped a child to murder, assault or keep the child. The other nearly 800,000 cases were abductions by family members, acquaintances (still scary), runaways and throw-aways (abandoned children or children that went missing and the parents didn't report it).

If there were only 115 stranger abductions that would put the likelihood of getting abducted at a little greater than the chance of getting struck by lightning.

Of course, if it happens to you, it doesn't matter what the statistics are. I wonder, though, how careful should we be? Is it crippling for a 9 year old to be afraid of being alone? I remember the first time I walked to the store alone. It was about 10 blocks from home along a very busy street. It was such a proud moment that I remember like it was yesterday. I was 5 years old. Many years later I learned that my father followed me that first time to make sure I was being careful, but I went on to walk even farther to school (I may have been as old as 9) and to ride my bike across town with my 11 year old sister to my grandparents house, among other adventures.

My memory is from the perspective of a child, but I remember our neighborhood being full of children riding bikes, playing games, running from house to house - only to return home at dusk. I don't remember adults doing more than checking in once in awhile. Well, that and feeding us when we got hungry.

I asked a slightly older friend of mine what she would have done in the above scenario. She agreed with me but added her children would have agreed with my sister. She added, "It is the age of paranoia."

What do you think? Are we protecting our children by constant vigilance or are we hurting a generation of children by being so afraid? Is the world really that much more dangerous or is it our perception? How are you raising / planning on raising your children?

*A part of the story I left out in order not to color your initial reaction is that the previous 30 minutes were spent trying to coax the 4 year old out of the coat closet because he missed his mom and the older one out of the bathroom because he couldn't deal with the younger one "having a meltdown".