Monday, November 5, 2007

Ahhh . . . .nice.

I went to my acupuncturist on Saturday and she did a great job fixing me up.

She helped with the nausea. It turns out I have kidney yin deficiency so I have excess heat in my body. I am usually a cold person and am always bundling up or hanging out in front of our gas fireplace. Lately, there has been a very small margin between being warm enough and increasing the nausea. She was able to help so that I can actually get warm without getting more sick. I also discovered that all the foods I have been craving and eating are all the things I should not be eating for this diagnosis. I am hoping that a change in diet will help move things along. It's been a couple of days of avoiding the contra indicated foods and I can't say I am feeling better. Actually, I think there are times when I feel better but the tough times are still pretty tough. Honestly, even the tough times aren't that bad.

Even more amazing is that she helped elevate my mood. I told her I was sad all the time and that I thought it was mostly due to getting used to DE and just feeling the grief of the last 5 years (especially the 3 since Ernest died). She thought it was due more to hormones and she could help with that. I have noticed a marked improvement in my mood since Saturday. There are times when I feel just as sad, BUT there have also been times when I have been much happier. Sunday morning, a spontaneous grin would appear on my face from nowhere. I even found myself talking to our baby a couple of times. And yes, in those moments this baby felt as much mine as the ones made from my eggs.

Not that I think this is the end of the grief, but it is nice to have some respite here and there. For those of you further on the other side, have you gotten over the grief of infertility? For those of you with children through adoption or donor gametes - do you still feel pangs of jealousy and sadness for not having your genetic child?

As for as my next appointment goes, it seems my midwife is still in Senegal with a group of midwives, but my OB wants to see me sooner so he will be my next appointment on November 16th. They didn't have room for a regular new OB appointment - he is already overbooked so I am scheduled for a scan only. I don't mind as long as we can discuss getting me off of the progesterone shots and estradial.

Thank you everyone for your continued support even when I am complaining about being pregnant because it wasn't the way I was hoping to make a baby. I know many of you are still waiting for that baby via adoption or donor gametes and I know it isn't how you wanted it to be either. You are far, far too kind and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. It helps me realize how lucky I am. Thank you a thousand times.

On that note, let me share a more direct approach to my whining. I sent an email to an acquaintance. Well, he is more than an acquaintance, but probably less than a friend. He is the person that did all of my husbands sperm washes when we were doing IUI's. When we tried donor sperm, it was from his cryobank and when I started looking for an egg donor he gave me very good advice since he used to recruit for my clinic. The point is that he has pretty much been with us from the beginning and, most importantly, he has an adult child from donor sperm. He never had a genetic child.

In a sad moment, I wanted to know if I could stop by and chat sometime because, as I told him, "I am having a hard time dealing with donor eggs." Forgive me for being a bit sexist here, but I think his reply was stereotypically male. I also think it was what I needed to hear.

Me: I continue to feel sorry for myself regarding using donor eggs. I think it would be nice to hear how you have coped over the years.

Sam: If you're going to feel sorry about being in a family way, I'll have to tell Brad to knock some sense into you. Enjoy the weekend and enjoy your success.

Me: Yes, if you put is so pragmatically, it seems so simple. Is it really that simple? I hope so.

Sam: It's an active action of making it that simple, and being happy for what you have.
You can do it!!

Thanks, Sam. I think I can.


Geohde said...


I think I like Sam already. Blunt, but to the point,



Fertilize Me said...

I am glad that the acu helped your moods and nausea. That is tremendous. Sam sounds like a very wise one. It's good to have people like that in our lives.

kristylynne said...

Sam does have an excellent point.

I'm a veteran of 6 IVFs, one of which produced my now two-year-old son in an absolute fluke - he was one of only two embryos out of all those tries, and his twin didn't make it. And yes, the infertility grief does go on for a long, long time. That's why I'm still reading infertility blogs two years after his birth.

And it doesn't help if you want a second child, and happen to think that your first one is pretty great, and you know that you will never be able to have a second with the same DNA as the first. (We're considering DE now due to premature ovarian failure - no more IVFs for us.)

I will say, though, that once you have a child, the grief does lessen gradually over time. I swear that I now suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder due to our three years of infertility treatment and failure after failure. Still working on finding that final closure and moving on to the next phase of life.

Kami said...

Sam is a pretty neat guy.

Thanks for for sharing your thoughts Kristy Lynne - I am wondering if there were any resources or books you have found helpful while dealing parenting after infertility.

Elizabeth said...

I and a friend were just talking about this - she is pg with #2 after IF and 1 loss, and definitely experiences post-traumatic stress. I think there will always be that shadow at least somewhere in the background.

midlife mommy said...

"For those of you with children through adoption or donor gametes - do you still feel pangs of jealousy and sadness for not having your genetic child?"

In a word, a resounding "no." Because my child would be different, at least on the outside, and she is just perfect to me as she is. (I believe we get the child we are intended to have, regardless of how they come to us, so I think she would have been the same on the inside if she were my biological child.)

Right now, because I want another child, I have to revisit everything. But if I didn't want to do that, infertility would just be a distant memory, only thought of when someone asks my daughter's medical history or when I run into a fellow stirrup queen and I want to let her know that she's not alone.

niobe said...

I don't tend to put it in quite the way Sam did (because, y'know, I'm a girl and girls are supposed to be more into feeling-type stuff), but there are times when I can understand his point of view. I'm glad that his comment (well, plus the acupuncture) helped you feel a little better.

stacyb said...

thank you for posting that conversation with Sam. wise and to the point that sam is.

like you i'm still in the middle of things but i can say that as the pregnancy moves forward I’m feeling the trauma/grief of infertility and i think it's making me more thoughtful, which i hope is a good thing (at least when I’m not in the grips of fear which is residing). I think it’s important to work through the baggage of infertility because otherwise it could get carried around and continually impact us in ways we are not aware of. It’s good to feel the grief and then let it go, then it gets out and doesn’t fester inside.

Occasionally I’m resentful of others but i don't think it's because they are having a genetic child, it's more because they have no idea how hard it can be to get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy to begin with. i sometimes resent that they take it for granted that everything will be ok. But then I realize I really don’t wish everyone else went through what we did/do.

As for your other update: glad the acupuncture helped you and that you are feeling better.

Yodasmistress said...

His reply was CERTAINLY sterotypically male.

As for the other part of your post - I have to tell you that women like you are an inspiration to me. You make me feel so strong - like "if she can do this then I can do this". The women who have walked ahead of me on this path are the greatest inspiration I could hope for. I don't begrudge you your feelings. They are human and I appreciate your honesty.

Lori said...

Sometimes the stereotypical male is necessary to temper the stereotypical female (and vice versa).

I NEEDED Hubby, at times, to say, "Just focus on what you have, not what you don't."

It is a conscious decision, for me, to be happy with the hand I was dealt. Who was it who said, "People are about as happy as they decide to be"?

I am friends with my daughter's firstmom, and the resemblance between the 2 is striking. So I am reminded often that Tessa is not from my genes.

But so much of her is because of my influence. And ALL of her is exactly the way she should be. The idea that in another reality I would have a different (biological) daughter holds no appeal for me, because SHE is my child.

I am glad you have a good acupuncturist and a good sperm washer :).

MrsSpock said...

I haven't had to deal with donor gametes, but being prego after IF, I can say that I still feel "different" from other pregos. I try to be positive and remind myself the statistics show I have a very good chance of things turning out right. I try to keep the positive outlook on my blog and not keep myself from buying clothes or baby things. But personal IF experience is a constant reminder that there isn't always a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and shit happens to good people. I do get mad sometimes when the husband and friends say "You'll get pregnant easily next time" and "Whatever was broken was fixed". I just think, "Fools..."

Frenchie said...

I like Sam's perspective. I'm glad you reached out to him.

I can only speak to the question you posed from the adoption perspective. I think it is a big myth/misunderstanding in the fertile world that somehow adoption "cures" the heartache of infertility.

However, having this child to love certainly makes it easier. I have highs and lows. Each time I hear of another friend's pregnancy, it washes over me all over again. But, as time goes by, I can actually start to envision a life ahead that doesn't include a biological child. And, though that is not what I WANT, it is not as devastating of a thought as it once was.

I would just really like to experience pregnancy. So I may one day be in your shoes.

Take Sam's advice to heart as much as you can, and enjoy this time.

Meg said...

Sam's cool. I totally cant give you any advice because I am not there yet. But, I hope you can give me advice when I get there :)

Kristen said...

So glad you are feeling better thanks to those miracle needles. What a lifesaver!

And true happiness to me is wanting what you have as opposed to having what you want. Sam is a smartie.

singletracey said...

I think you are on your upswing now sweetie.

That baby is a gift for the love between you and your hubby. Just like a baby that came from your egg. That baby represents your desire to be a mother :-)

Keep feeling better!