Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The unwanted guest

It seems I have some unwanted house guests. I suppose I did invite them in initially, but I am growing weary and they don't want to leave.

At first I thought they would just go away on their own. Given enough time they would wonder off and one day I would notice that they hadn't been around for a while. When that didn't work, I tried ignoring them. I thought they would get the hint and leave. No such luck.

Then I started to question my role in the relationship. Am I giving them signals that they really are welcome? I think I must be and, in a way, I do get a perverse . . . if not pleasure, then at least satisfaction with their presence. Even though I am not happy when they are here, I keep inviting them in just the same. When I am blatant and scream, "Go! You are not welcome here anymore!", they just nod and wink and seem to know that I don't really mean it.

I am sure you have an idea who these guest are. Some of the names I use for them are Envy, Bitterness, Anger, Sadness, and Resentfulness. I am truly sick of them so why do I keep inviting them to hang out? Why not invite Peacefulness, Contentment and Joy over instead? I like these guests. I am very happy when they are around. Yet at the slightest hint of a pregnancy that I perceive as being more easily obtained than my own, Joy runs screaming and Bitterness settles in. In time, Bitterness might wonder away, but only after Sadness has come over to keep me company. These are ugly emotions and they eat me up inside.

Where is Contentment when I need it? Why can't Joy hang around and refuse to leave just because Resentfulness wants to come in too? Better still, shouldn't Joy stand up for me and tell Resentfulness it isn't welcome?

How do I reverse this trend? How can I be completely ok with life just the way it is. How can I see what I have instead of what I have lost along the way? Sometimes I even miss the days before this cycle when I longed to have (what seems to be) a viable pregnancy because I had hope that crossing that hurdle would make everything ok. I still hold the fantasy that if we had just been successful with my eggs, damn it! everything would be ok right now. Do you think that is true or would I still be inviting Sadness in because it was just so hard getting here? I am beginning to believe it wouldn't have mattered that much how we got here, because what I really, really wanted was to have gotten pregnant easily nearly six years ago.

Do you think that although I love Joy and Happiness and Peacefulness, I have grown too accustomed to Sadness, Grief and Despair?

I want the proverbial light switch that changes the way I think in an instant. Lacking that, I am going to do my best to hang out with Happiness over this long weekend. It will be a gift to my dear husband. He deserves a wife who laughs over the ridiculousness of the last 6 years instead of one who laments what will never be. I have also scheduled an appointment with my hypnotherapist in the hopes that a little mental manipulation might help move things along.

I have shared my time with good company. I know the flavor of Joy and the happy calm of Peace. I want to hang out with them more and stop spending time with those those guests who diminish my life instead of enhance it.


Lori said...

I seriously hope you find the answers to these questions, and then share them with me.

Maybe we should ditch all of them and have coffee, just you and me.

Frenchie said...

This post feels so much like what I am battling right now, too. I am looking for these same answers...

So, I don't have anything insightful to say, but hey, I understand.

Hope you're having a JOYFUL Thanksgiving.

stacyb said...

i have been worrying about something regarding work and pregnancy. when that got resolved yesterday my husband said to me; i can't wait to see what you're going to worry about now.

i guess the moral being that if we want to worry we will find a way no matter how things turn or have turned out. t's hard to let go of emotions we've gotten used to, but i hope it's not impossible.

by the way i try and welcome sadness. to me it can be very healing to have sadness well up and then let it out before its buddies (anger, bitterness etc.) decide to come over for a joint play date.

hopefully you are finding your house less crowded today.

Jenna said...

Kami, not much to offer here other than that those feelings probably have been around fro a while and bidding them farewell isn't as easy as shutting the door. It took a long time to manifest them and it will take a long time to close the door on them for good. Hang on there darlin.

niobe said...

I have some of the same guests at my house. In fact, i've stopped thinking of them as guests and begun to believe that they're permanent residents. I can't imagine I'll ever be completely okay with my life just the way it is.

But, as others have said, if you learn the secret of contentment, be sure to let us all know.

Geohde said...

Kami, I don't really have answers for you, but I'd like to acknowledge that it can't be easy at all (pregnancy notwithstanding).



Kate said...

Kami hon, just keep swimming!! I sure recognize all those guests you describe, they've overstayed their welcome at our place too.

I left you a little gift on my blog, too long to post here.


Yodasmistress said...

I don't know. I guess I kind of think that the body does get used to producing certain chemicals and it is hard to reverse that process - especially if the whole of the stimulus that cuased that pain is not utterly removed from one's life... which in your case it can not be. I believe that in time you will have less and less frequent visits from the unwelcome bunch though I'm not sure they will ever really truly go away and never come back. I'm not sure if it is ok to say this or not but I think that emotional scars are no different than physical ones - they get less noticable over time but they never go completely away. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, I don't know) emotional scars are on the inside so it's easier for OTHER PEOPLE to forget them even if you can't. I'm not sure the point of what I'm saying. But I'm sorry.

wifethereof said...

Same guests here as well. There is a woman at work I can't stand and she just announced she's 4 months pg. And I'm pissed she "beat" me. Why can't I be thankful for what I've got?

Working Girl said...

Brilliant post! I have been told that our minds have a way protecting us by easing our memory of pain and suffering. We will always be different because of IF but, we will in time move onto joyful places. Let's all keep our fingers crossed!!!

sarah said...

ooh boy, I feel ya (or felt ya) on this one.

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