Hello LB! I think I'm ready!

I believe I am ready to have this baby. Things are feeling better and better. Oh, and the sun is out which is always a plus.

On the physical side, my blood pressure is staying below my OB's suggested danger zone. It was below 135/80 all week - including after my meltdown the other day. At my midwifery appointment yesterday it was 120/70 which has been my baseline through this pregnancy. I credit two acupuncture visits and one session with my hypnotherapist, my OB is convinced it is the bed rest and my midwife thinks the high readings were just flukes. I got a little carried away in my activity level yesterday and today it was 133/84 so we can throw a few bonus points toward my OB.

Little Butterfly continues to be active. Some times more than others, but always enough to convince me his little heart is still beating. I confess when I haven't noticed movement for awhile, I try to wake her up by pushing on her foot or her bottom or drinking some juice. When Cathy felt for his positioning yesterday, she said it was good and his head was engaged. I think he probably moves up and down which is not unusual (I understand) with second pregnancies.

On the emotional side, I think I have been improving as well. Three weeks ago when my OB said, "I would induce today" it really freaked me out because I realized I still had some fears and insecurities regarding having a DE baby. It was easy to convince myself everything would be ok - that I would bond and the genetic connection would no longer matter while it was in theory, but realizing I was about to find out if it would really be ok was another story.

Being the resourceful person I am, I immediately contracted the services of someone who could brainwash me into believing what I wanted to believe. I made an appointment with KJ, my hpynotherapist. To be fair, KJ would hate for me to describe it this way, but it kind of feels like it sometimes. KJ guided me through a meditation combined with acupressure where I visualized / felt the hurt and fear of this journey to parenthood, then we visualized healing, and then we visualized what I would choose to be the outcome. I had tears running down my face as I visualized LB being born and feeling only love and caring for this little one. There was no room in my heart for bitterness or pain or hurt. I didn't look for traits of Brad or Belinda - I just saw LB as LB. I put him to my breast and she looked at me while she nursed.

We have gotten together twice since then (who knew I still had enough time for 2 more appointments?) . In one session we talked about a realization I had about my relationship with my father. I think it speaks to how we can have programs running in our brains that we aren't even aware of. Anyone who has ever found herself saying or doing things that her parents did that she swore she never would, probably knows what I mean.

In a nutshell, my father was mostly absent from the later years of my childhood. He was physically there and I think he did the best he could, but because of his programming (very narcissistic) and a medical condition that left him sleeping a good amount of time, I never felt he took an interest in me. He did, however, brag about my good looks and my intelligence (Hey, this is my dad after all. I would admit to considering myself "above average", but then who doesn't think they are at least above average?). In my mind the only thing that gave him any right to take credit for these two aspects about my life was because half of my genes were from him.

When a friend recently described with pride how well his children were doing in school, my first thought was that I would never be able to take pride in LB's accomplishments. (My second was to wonder if anyone ought to take pride or credit for their children, but that is another post). This lead to my discussion with KJ and some visualizations where I created a "good dad" who loved me just for who I was and because I was his daughter - not for what he saw of himself in me.

I realize this might be psychobabble or as fuzzy as dream interpretation, but I felt better after the session and more confident that LB and I will bond.

Finally, at my last visit with my acupuncturist we did some points to induce. She said it would only work if my body was ready. When we spoke on the phone a couple of days later, I told her I didn't feel any different and it seemed like labor would still be at least a few days away. She commented that she felt some things had to happen for me first. "You need to get excited first," she gave as an example.

Blame it on sunnier, warmer days or more confidence in my body or some happy visualizations or perhaps the waxing moon; but I am excited.