Thursday, June 11, 2009

Avenues to healing

What do you to when you are so sleep deprived that you can barely function at work? You use the time you should be working (and have a babysitter) to blog, of course.

As a quick update, I am moving right along for the DE FET cycle. I am CD6 by my count and my first cycle b/w and u/s are tomorrow. In between the appointments, I feel very good about this cycle. I feel like it is buying a $5,000 lottery ticket with a 10% chance of winning. It is fun to dream and hope that we will hit it big, but I think that if it doesn't work I will just shrug my shoulders and move on to the fresh cycle in September. No stress.

Except when I have an appointment. Then I feel much anxiety. The familiar drive, the waiting room . . . just typing this is making my blood pressure go up. I go there with a lot of baggage. It isn't unusual for me to cry on the way to the clinic. I relive so much sadness.

It isn't all bad though. In the process of reliving our failed cycles, of our time of living childfree wondering if we would ever get to be parents, I may be healing some of those wounds. I can feel how bad it felt and then remind myself that I am not in that emotional space anymore. I can drive to the clinic aching to hold our Someday Baby and then come home and hold her. When I come home . . . I have no words to explain how good it feels to wrap LB up in a hug. It is like I am the person I was pre-LB; but have this reassurance that all will be well. Maybe it is like Summer's letter to her past self. I am finding that old, hurt, scared part of myself and telling her, "It's ok. You will have a baby and she will be the most amazing, wonderful, beautiful baby in the world. Trust me. Be patient. Move on to DE. Hold on. It will be ok."

I couldn't have that then - this future self comforting my past self, but I can pretend now. I am, in a way, rewriting my past to make it less stressful, less filled with grief. Not that I want to forget either, I just don't want to carry it around with me so much anymore. I am hoping that even if this cycle fails, it will be worth the $5,000.

Ha . . . not to diminish what I just said, but $5,000 can buy a lot of time with a therapist. I suppose it is good to take advantage of the opportunities that present themselves.


Sky said...

Hey, I'm going to hope for you that the 5K yields a nice BFP and a sibling for LB, so you can save the money on a fresh cycle. It would be nice to do things with my money other than reserve it for fertility treatments and meds! :)

Jill said...

I threw up in the bathroom in the hallway outside my RE's office when I went back for my first post-Ben appointment. and my BP was sky high when I went in. And I cried the whole time I talked to the RE for my consult. So I know what you mean in some ways. I never even thought the whole IF journey affected me that much when I was doing it the first time.

Anyway, good luck! I hope this works for you and you get another sweet baby!

Me said...

This is going to sound weird. But. It is posts like this from the DE moms, the IVF moms, the adoptive moms, and not least of all the childless, that get me through. I see you all so far down the path of ahead of me and DOING OK and I know that, no matter where my journey takes me, I too will be ok. Thank you for reminding me that even though today sucks balls, someday in the future, it won't. And even though I'll remember this pain so vividly I can feel it, because it IS real, it won't last forever.

Ditto sky - I hope it's $5K well spent. :)

Sara said...

I know just what you mean. Cycling with a baby is sooooo different from cycling without one. And I must say that a month after my BFN, I still feel much better.

Good luck! I hope that you win the $5000 lottery!

Anonymous said...

I feel rather excited for you, but as you know, I'm trying on excited, and it feels nice. Like cashmere.
I love it when my new self can hold my old self--and I love it when I can imagine it happening in the future. Thanks for sharing that moment with us.

Panamahat said...

Kami, thank you so much for your thoughtful comments on my recent post. I will be trying your tips and let you know how I fare. Next Monday I begin my 8 week final teaching prac, then I'm off on a 2 week holiday, but I will be back to focus on this issue with renewed vigour in October. I also think the break will do me good. It's been hard work.

Lisa DG said...

I am crossing my fingers that this cycle is smooth and easy for you. $5000 may buy a lot of therapy, but regret of not doing this could end up with therapy bills higher than that.

Andrea said...

I can so relate to everything you said. You're self reflection and ability to pinpoint your feelings and put them into words is admirable. I was reading this thinking EXACTLY!!!!
My first 2 1/2 year journey through infertility treatments and surgeries left me a crazed, depressed, angry, hateful, jealous, sad heap of my former self. When Alia was finally born (after losing her twin at 20 weeks) I was finally able to exhale. And when we decided to try again? I was in a good place...telling myself it's possible. And at the same time, not feeling that there was no air left in the room. The perspective we all gain from our respective journeys is invaluable.