Wednesday, June 17, 2009

It is all about me

I have very much enjoyed the conversation surrounding egg vs sperm donation on the previous post. In fact, I have softened my view because of it. Maybe it doesn't make sense that we call it a donation when it there is money beyond cost reimbursement involved. Maybe it isn't exactly equitable between the sexes (I think at the very least both sexes should get counseling or neither should), but maybe that is just the best we can do. As long as all parties come to the exchange willingly, who cares that we need to soften the image with words like "donation"? It is working pretty well in this country.

I will say that I hope the time comes when it will be possible to easily have access to a donor once the child reaches 18 - at least for those donors who are willing to sign up for that at the time of donation. In my dreams I would also like to see women encouraged to donate for smaller fees. It isn't even about the cost to me (what's another $4,000 on top of$25,000?), it is because I feel uncomfortable about buying someones eggs and feel less uncomfortable about accepting someone's gift of her eggs. Maybe that's just me.

Speaking of me . . . let's talk about me some more.

Tell me why I feel like I might be doing a disservice to myself and Brad by not getting more emotionally / mentally involved in this cycle? Put another way, I have intentionally not made a big deal about this cycle. I don't expect it to work. The time when I expect hope it will work is September with a fresh cycle. Why do I feel like I may be bringing on a BFN by not being more hopeful or at least more open to a BFP?

The truth is I don't want to make it happen. I don't want to try that hard. I want to leave it up to my RE and be pleasantly surprised if it works. I tried the control freak route and it ate me up when it failed. Perhaps there is a happy medium between denial and "I need to make it work!", but I don't want to even try and find it. I don't want to visit the mental space I would need to in order to find that line.

And why should I? One statistic I came across estimated that 50% of the pregnancy in the US are unplanned. I would guess that is thousands of people who don't want to get pregnant who are getting pregnant nonetheless.

Are the rules really different for me? For any of us dealing with infertility? Do we really need to try anything and everything that might tip the scales in our favor by even the smallest amount?

I guess I am looking for permission to continue to not think about it too much and, by extension, not to feel guilty if it fails.


battynurse said...

I think we all do what we have to in getting through this. If for you it takes not thinking about the upcoming cycle that much since you know you have a back up plan in place I don't think that's a bad thing. Also not getting overwhelmed by it is a good thing too.

Sara said...

Well, for what it's worth, the one time that I REALLY thought it would work, I got a BFN. The one time that I REALLY thought that it wouldn't work, I got Eggbert. The time I had no opinion, also BFN. So in my considered opinion, it's best to assume the worst.

Leslee said...

Permission granted ;) I try very hard to be nonchalant about a cycle because being negative about a cycle doesn't seem like I'm giving myself a fighting chance, and being positive about a cycle seems like I'm pulling the wool over my own eyes. My last cycle, I decided that I was going to be full force positive. It was a great cycle, lots of follicles, good sperm count, etc. I spent the whole TWW living in La La Land, the place where everything is working out, fully knowing how hard the fall would be. I don't regret the attempt at full-force positivity, but I definitely won't be doing it again.

Crossing my fingers you'll be pleasantly surprised!


Leah and Maya said...

I like not getting your hopes up that way that can't be dashed, learned that in the IVF book of life that should be published. Besides isn't your body suppose to be more receptive if its more relaxed, you know we are always freaking told it will work if we "JUST RELAX". Talk to you Saturday so I can get the latest update, oh umless you somehow got a calendar that says defferently, ha ha.

Sunny said...

When my husband and I were going through infertility the first time, I had mentally checked out by the 5th IUI. I was *convinced* that it would not work, that my only hope of a BFP was IVF. But I agreed to the 5th IUI -- the last one we were going to try -- because the RE recommended it and I wanted to prove that it wouldn't work. I was not very "into" the cycle, I didn't take my injections at the same MINUTE every day like I did before. I took them when it was convenient, and I focused my energy on stress at work. I wasn't counting down the days to my beta... I was counting down the days until AF would come and I could finally have my body back while we took a break from treatment.

You can guess what happened... a BFP.

I was floored.

So as far as I'm concerned, you can think/feel about this cycle however you want, it will NOT change the outcome! It's a biological process at work, and while hope and positive thinking have their benefits, you'll be fine without them.

Andrea said...

Sometimes you just have to take your brain out of it. You should deal with it however you see know yourself best, and taking a step back? Totally healthy if you ask me. I felt the same way off and on through my journey.

Chris and Erin said...

I have been lurking for a long time.... (I promise, I am a nice and friendly person).... I had to do 3 IUI cycles for my insurance company prior to an IVF cycle. The RE had said with my his FSH levels and DOR I was not going to get pg with an IUI cycle. The first 2 I really hoped.... 1 chemical pg and 1 disastrous BFN later all that hope was gone. I was sure this cycle would be a giant flop as well. In fact I was so sure we were at our IVF consult the day I went for my BETA... I ended up with Triplets! Thinking negatively didn't hurt us.

Anonymous said...

I grant thee permission to not get too emotionally invovled in this cycle!
I wonder if it is just not as easy to get your control freak on because you are involved in the business of loving LB?
And, I guess if it works, it will practically be an "Oppps"! You can compare notes with the mothers who got pregnant with number 3 by accident! "I hardly invested emotionally in this FET at all! I was so relaxed, it jsut happened!"

Ryan's Mommy said...

Interesting! I felt the exact same way during my DE IVF cycle to conceive my second child. I was just not as emotionally invested as I was the first time(s) we did IVF. I think that part of it was a subconcious effort to protect myself in case the cycle failed, and part of it was just that worrying about it constantly and fretting over every detail is so damned exhausting, and I just didn't have the energy for it. So I refused to think about it.

And, it worked. I'm now 11 weeks with our second baby. But I'm still not quite 100% mentally enthused. I am happy, of course, because I got what I wanted. But I think I'm still wary that something will go wrong. I feel like the entire thing is kind of happening to someone else - I'm kind of keeping this emotional distance.

And I find myself thinking sometimes, what was I thinking? Being pregnant is harder at 41 than it was at 37, that's for sure. I'm sure parenting a newborn will be harder, too.

But I'm counting on the fact that it will be worth it all in the end. And every sonogram and milestone takes me one step closer to bonding with this baby.