Saturday, August 18, 2007

Not worthy?

Am I the only one that feels like DE is a good idea in theory, but when it comes down to actually participating in a cycle it starts to seem more . . . well, personal, might be the right word. Said another way, I can logically feel good about the greatly increased chance of us having a baby with DE. I can also get excited about being a mom again and I am often ok with the child not being mine genetically. But when it comes down to actually doing the cycle - especially the stim part of the cycle - it seems like it is going to be daily reminders of "you are not worthy"

I have tried so hard to make a healthy baby. I have done all the alternative stuff that usually comes to mind - I have done acupuncture, yoga, given up wheat and dairy and "cold" foods, changed the way I thought and exercised and even went to a holistic physical therapist who told me, "It only takes one sperm if two people truly love each other." Yet despite all my hard work and dedication, the coach is telling me to sit this one out and bring in a pro instead. I feel like I have been benched. I can't even leave the game and come back when it is my turn again. I need to sit and watch someone else do what should have been my job.

I know I can survive those two weeks. I have certainly been through worse, but I think it will be really hard for me. Maybe it's because I can be a bit of a control freak and I don't want to let go enough for someone else to step in. Maybe my therapist is correct when she said I feel "overly responsible" and feel that I am abdicating my responsibility. I don't know. Maybe someone else out there can relate and tell me how she did it.

Oh - and I have only about 2 days to make a decision that may negatively or positively impact how I feel about those days of stim. My nurse has offered me the choice of a lupron or generelix protocol. Here is how I see that breaking down:

Lupron: (The clinic's preferred option) I have never taken lupron before and it is the one fertility drug that really scares me because of the possible long term side effects (admittedly, mostly anecdotal evidence). Taking it now makes it feel like the drug for the "losers sitting on the bench."

Generelix: I would spend less time (from my current understanding) taking any drugs at all which translates to more time ignoring the fact that I am not cycling with my eggs. The downside is that I would be monitored more closely - meaning more time in a waiting room feeling like the 4 time ivf loser who now has been further bumped to "not your eggs" status.

Ironically, I used to look forward to monitoring days. I liked trying to connect with the ladies in the waiting room and I liked the interaction, though brief, with my RE. With the 4th ivf I was already starting to withdrawal from the other women in the waiting room knowing (however incorrectly) that they would get pregnant easily and I was, by comparison, found lacking. I think I may still enjoy the connection with my RE, but there is going to be, "yeah, we don't really care about your ovaries" looming in the room.

I know a reframe is in order here. I should probably stop considering myself "benched" or "a loser". The best I can come up with so far is just reminding myself that I will survive no matter how emotionally challenging it may be.

On a happier note, I was feeling very excited about this cycle just yesterday. My boss took me and a coworker out to this beautiful resort town in Canada called Niagara on the Lake last night and we had a great time. There was good food and a wonderful atmosphere as we strolled though the town in the wind of a coming storm. We even found a geocache in the dark. I was feeling good and peaceful in general and suddenly a warm, happy feeling washed over me with the thought that I might actually be pregnant with a viable baby soon.

There. Now it isn't only a "poor me" post. Does anyone have any thoughts or recommendations on getting through this cycle?


Leah said...

More and more I am convinced that we are twins separated at birth. Okay, that's admittedly a little ridiculous, but you are so amazingly talented at writing down what is rattling around in my brain. Best yet (for me, not so much you), you are already 1 or 2 steps ahead in the process and therefore ahead in the thinking -- so you write what I am thinking and have worked through much of it already.

This is of no help to you, except that nice feeling you should have of inadvertently helping someone else. :-)

Lupron sucks. A lot. I tolerate most drugs just fine but that one really sucked. A lot. Ganirelix, on the other hand, was wonderful. No side effects, it didn't even hurt going in, and it's a pre-filled syringe. So my advice, without going into all the detail, is to go with Ganirelix.

Pamela T. said...

Can't help you with the cycle-specific question, but I do appreciate how your emotions are developing here. This sentence "I need to sit and watch someone else do what should have been my job" really spoke to me. That would be difficult for me, too, for all the reasons you shared here.

Glad you were able to find some time to let your mind relax and enjoy the beautiful Niagara sights.

K said...

That' my girl using a sports reference!

Here's my help with the reframing stuff: Consider yourself (prior) as the 6th man on the basketball team. Star player just went down with a knee injury - could take months to heal. You're up! You have now made the starting line-up. No more bench for you. Your name is called during the introductions and you, my friend, are on the court when the jump ball goes up.

She shoots and scores!!!!

Sorry, I'm kinda a sports geek. But I think you get the point.

SULLY said...

Well, I won't ever make it to IVF (not that I am pregnant, don't read that wrong) I have no advice...but want to offer my undying support!

I hope that you find the answers you seek, and are able to come to a place of peace soon.

Grad3 said...

I hope what I am about to say doesn't not upset you as that is not my intention but I wanted to share and hopefully help.

When our last RE first recommended DE I was really taken back. I was upset... "What about my eggs? Are they really that bad? What is wrong with me?" It was all I could think about. Then of course there were the genetic questions and thoughts.

I cannot relate to what it's like to be in the cycle, I won't pretend since we are taking a different route. However, I do have to say you are taking on a lot responsibility. It's always easiest to put the responsibility on ourselves because we are the "ones who are at fault." But you aren't, it just sucks and is unfair. You most certainly are not a “loser.” It just is what it is.

That being said, when you become pregnant, this will be your baby. It will be the baby you were meant to have and if you hadn't "watched someone else do it" he or she wouldn't be here. This is the way your baby was meant to come.

Someone once told me that the souls of our children will find their way to us and our lives, one way or another. I think that this is just the way your child's soul is coming to you. I think that once they are here then it becomes your (our) responsibility that they know love. It is obvious to me that you are full of love other wise you wouldn’t feel that loss of control or sense that you are giving someone else your responsibility. I believe that you will not shrug off your responsibility… which is to love them with all you have.

Kristen said...

I wish I could give you some useful words of encouragement but I have not yet done IVF or been confronted with needing to use DE. I can, however, sympathize and realize how hard it must be for you.

DH and I have discussed using a surrogate if I am unable to carry children and I felt the same way you did. Like someone else would be doing all the work and that my involvement would be minimal. Control freak that I am - I want to be a part of everything.

I wanted to lend my support and let you know I am thinking and praying for you.

Lori Lavender Luz said...

I assuaged my feelings of inadequacy by thanking God/the Divine/whomever for the chance to break out of my controlling patterns.

It's so simple yet so hard. And good prep for parenting!

Seconding much of Grad3's comment.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure you've heard it before, but I wanted to say that Lupron can be a positive experience. We used it during a few IUIs and our IVF cycle with no negative effects. Just thought I'd throw that out there. I can absolutely relate to the loss of control issue but hope that you'll find peace with it soon. We do what we have to do. I hope you can find some control within that.

Geohde said...

It only takes one sperm if two people really love each other?

Some tool said that?

So, *that's* what my husband and I are doing wrong.....


Good luck with whatever decision you make for the upcoming cycle.

Meg said...

I hated Lupron - I was on it for 5 of my IVF cycles it gave me the worst headaches - it was brutal. I used Ganarelix my last cycle with no side affects. And I have had 6 failed IVF cycles so I am a WAY bigger loser :) Just my 2 cents

One View said...

I can understand how you are feeling. I felt many of those same things (I'm a bit of a control freak myself) and battling IF has made me feel so uncontrol most of the time. And at least when I was doing IVF, I felt better doing something about my own IF. So when nothing I tried worked (I tried everything), it left me devastated. I still get sad I'm not using my eggs but its a bit different with my situation because I'm going through this with someone I love and my sister has helped me feel like part of the process. I try to see the end picture and believe none of this will matter when I finally become a mom. I hope that in the end, you will find peace with all of this. I think being honest and getting this out is helpful. Hang in there. Hugs to you.

Irish Girl said...

Kami, although I don't personally know how you are feeling in the face of your upcoming cycle I can share the story of a friend of mine who has two children via IVF/donor egg cycles. I've hesitated to share her story because I didn't know if it would be welcome or not. I hope it provides some hope to you. We've since lost touch but her story has stayed with me through the years because I stood by her side as she wrestled with the very same feelings you've been writing about here lately. I was young then and the thought of having children was years off in my future ... my how long it really has been! Anyway - this woman and her husband had been through the full fertility workup and it was determined for several reasons that their success rate would be higher (vs very low otherwise) with donor eggs. They tried a cycle with her sister as donor but it didn't work out well. Well, their first cycle with another donor worked and I remember her telling me the very day she knew she was pregnant it no longer mattered how she got there! She felt her body changing as their baby grew, she loved the experience, and they repeated the process a few years later to have their second child. I think it's normal to go through the range of emotions you are feeling, healthy even. I also think once you become a parent it matters little the path that lead you there.

And also, in regards to this asinine comment: "a holistic physical therapist who told me, "It only takes one sperm if two people truly love each other."" Anyone who would use that sentence should not include "holistic" in their title. The mind body connection doesn't need more doubts placed upon it in the face of a crisis. That is near or at the top of the most insensitive infertility comments I've ever heard. I'm sorry you had to hear that.

wifethereof said...

Thanks so much for expressing what you are feeling. I have the same thoughts on my DE journey, you just write them down better than I can. It's nice to know I'm not alone out there.