Yes, no and rarely maybe

I am waiting for my CD3 blood work to come back. I haven't decided to cycle with my eggs, but I'm not ready to decide to not cycle either so the blood work needed to be done. I could be out of the running in a matter of hours if my FSH is high. I think that I will be ok with that. The worst sting is likely to be from an indicator of age more than being the reason I won't be trying again.

Just before the blood draw, I was taking LB out of her car seat (I showed up late to avoid anyone in the waiting room since I didn't have a sitter) and thought for the thousandth time how beautiful her eyes are. Can I brag about that since they aren't from me? Anyway, it made me think about her genes compared to my genes which led me down the path of all the illness in my family. Between my mom and dad we have cancer, heart disease and mental illness. I don't remember Belinda's profile but it was laughable in comparison - something like her dad had an ulcer. Yes, I am 90% decided, I will not cycle with my eggs. It isn't likely to produce a baby anyway and why take the chance of passing on mental illness? There. Done.

Two hours later I was waking up from a nap and made the opposite decision. Why not? If this had happened easily I wouldn't have considered not having my genetic child for those reasons. Why should I decide that now? I just want to and it might bring me some peace. Isn't that enough of a reason? Plus my RE has kindly offered to help minimize the cost. What is the harm? There. Done.

It occurred to me that I am thinking about our second child (if we are so lucky) and whether s/he will be more like Belinda or more like me. In reality, we will either have one child or the other. One unique set of genes will be brought together and that is the life that will be created and all the other potential lives won't be. Since I don't believe in a soul or some cosmic power bringing me the baby I am 'meant to have'; this is all there really is. There is an old cell from my husband combined with an old cell from me or Belinda and together, somehow, they create a brand new person with unblemished skin and a mind ready to discover the world. It's mind bending sometimes. Or maybe it is my lack of sleep talking.

Thanks for listening. There might be a lot of circular and repetitive posts over the next few days or weeks. Just nod and smile every once in a while and I will assume your still listening, but won't be offended if you aren't.

I will update this post when my FSH comes back.

Edited to add: Perhaps I am lying to myself. My phone just rang and it wasn't the RE's office, but I thought it was and my heart stopped beating and I thought, "Please don't tell me my FSH is elevated!" It may be an emotional ride even if I don't want it to be.

Update #2: No FSH results today. They didn't run them. I have never had that happen at my clinic through 5 ivf cycles. Seems very odd, but I didn't ask when because I didn't want to sound like I cared, even to myself.