It Mostly All Good

I had another OB appointment today. I am still spotting, although very lightly and not red at all, but enough for him to want to see me in two weeks. It's all good with me at this point. I won't feel like I can do whatever I want physically until we know the abruption is completely healed.

I will also see my midwife next week and hopefully that will all go well too. I'm not sure I want to live in both camps like I did with the last pregnancy - one hand saying All Natural!! and the other saying Intervention!!; but we shall see as things go on. For the time being, I like the extra security that I get from seeing our OB (and taking a peek at LB Mark II), but I certainly hope he isn't there for the birth.

In other news, I am sad . . . a lot. Even down right depressed. With the last pregnancy I cried almost every night, but thought it was all just part of the grieving process. Now I realize it is just what I do when I get pregnant - made worse last time by real grief.

This time, it is so . . . desperate? I don't know the right word. Because I had something obvious to be sad about I thought that was it. Because I knew I was grieving (what we had been through in total plus the loss of my genetic connection) and I was no stranger to grief, I knew it would get better.

Now I just feel sad as if my life is empty and meaningless - always was that way and always will be, I just never realized it before. I feel such despair and it is desperate because I can't figure a way out. Was I always this sad? Will I ever be happy again? What if we had a bigger house? More money? A more fulfilling job? If there is a solution, how will I attain it? How can we make more money? Afford a new house? Find better, but still part-time employment?

And poor Brad . . . he is suffering as much or more than I am. Sometimes the sadness is expressed as anger. I tell him I hate our house or ask him how we will make more money (which he hears as "you need to get a better paying job!")

Today I mentioned my depression to my OB hoping he would offer a chemical solution. Nope! He isn't uncaring, just figures (I assume) that I would come out and ask for a chemical solution if I wasn't dealing with it. And I suppose I am. A couple of days ago, I told Brad that I haven't felt any joy in weeks. Sometimes I feel "nice" but it stops short of joy. Since then I have really paid attention and I do actually feel joy sometimes. In fact, I am often most happy in the morning and trending toward most sad/angry in the evenings - the very pattern of my morning sickness in the first two pregnancies.

I will ask my midwife for some suggestions when I see her next. Of course, she will probably offer an herbal remedy or tell me to get more exercise or eat differently. And they might have some benefit, but probably not enough. I have tried lots of herbal or 'natural' remedies over the years and it is my experience most fall short or are of no use at all although there have been some notable exceptions.

It's kind of funny - I go to a midwife and an OB and don't really embrace either person's beliefs. Things aren't as dangerous in the medical arena as my midwife thinks nor as safe as my OB thinks. A home birth isn't as safe as my midwife thinks (although in most cases safer, in my opinion, than a hospital birth) nor as dangerous as my OB thinks.

Well, I have blathered on long enough. I think I will go for a walk and see if my mood lifts a bit. I have been remiss on keeping up with everyone's blogs - I hope I am not missing too much. The funny thing about the blues - you just don't feel like doing anything even though doing something is just what you need.

So - all is good, at least mostly. Don't feel sorry for me - I am one of the lucky ones and if I am depressed for another 6 months, at least it is only 6 months.