Sunday, July 1, 2007

Our wonderful (likely) egg donor

Note: In later posts I "out" these two individuals - "L" becomes Leah and "Miss D" becomes Belinda.

I met her three days ago. We had talked on the phone twice over the last several weeks. The conversations went pretty well considering what we were discussing. I liked that she seemed to act the way I think I would act in her position. I also think I acted the way she would act were she in my position. She assured me I could as any questions I wanted and didn't want me to be uncomfortable. I told her I expected to be uncomfortable at times, but I was okay with that. It was important to find a good match. "Good," was her reply.

We made arrangements to meet at our mutual friend's house. I came to know our mutual friend, L, only about 6 months ago. We came together through our shared experience with infertility. Shortly after our third failed IVF cycle I let her know we were not happy with our clinic's donor program and were attempting to find our own donor. I asked her (and everyone else I knew) to please keep an eye out for someone kind of like me who might be willing to be our donor. She immediately thought of "Miss D" who was about my height, hair and eye color.

So last Friday I went out the door to meet Miss D for the first time. I realized on the way there that while I couldn't find it in me to fill out my clinics "Recipient Profile Form" because I hated thinking about needing to find a substitute for my genes, here I was getting ready to interview a substitute in person. It's funny how the mind works. Perhaps I just find it easier to take control of the situation and find my own match rather than fill out paper work that gives someone else the power to match us to a donor. Did I previously mention I can be a bit of a control freak?

At any rate, there I was, at my friends house waiting for Miss D to arrive. I was very conscious of the fact that I was acting natural. My hands were hanging loosely at my sides when they wanted to be crossed over my chest. I made an effort not to pace. I made small talk with L. Then I heard a vehicle in the driveway. It was an SUV. I thought, "Ugh. I would never drive an SUV!" OK, I told myself, not enough to go on. She has three kids after all and lives in an area where my Prius would likely get stuck a dozen times during the winter. I didn't watch her get out of the car. I just wasn't ready.

As she approached the house, I was trying not to let on that I was scrutinizing her appearance. She had her kids with her as I expected (they are cute and seemed intelligent) and the two year old was being carried on her hip. Her other hand was carrying a tray of fruit. She was wearing large dark sunglasses and I couldn't see her eyes. "I wonder what her eyes look like?", I thought to myself. Almost on cue, she announced, "Let me put this down so I can take off these bug-eyed sunglasses." She removed her sunglasses and looked at me in such a way that it was obvious I could have as long and detailed a look as I wanted. As I relive that moment, tears have come to my eyes at the thought of her kindness.

In fact, many things she did that day were very kind. When she found out her hormonal IUD would need to be removed, she made the appointment that very day. She gave me a hug when we met and when we parted. She made it easy to ask her whatever I wanted. It was obvious that she really wanted to help.

I am sorry to say that I didn't express my gratitude. At the time, I had put away my emotional self and was playing the professional. I could have been interviewing someone for a position at work or negotiating to buy some left over tires. It took about 24 hours for it all to sink in - the hope of finding a suitable donor and that sadness of needing to look. I woke up Sunday morning thinking, "Oh my gosh, how could I not have shown her how much her kindness meant - and means to me?" I wrote her an email that morning expressing my thanks. I suspect she understands.

Now we are in the process of getting the other details out of the way. She needs to take a Personality Assessment Inventory and start the process of getting checked out physically once the effects of the IUD wear off. Brad and I need to get in for our interview with the social worker and we both need to consult attorneys. At this point, it looks like we may still be able to cycle in November, but if that doesn't work, January should be the latest.


Anonymous said...

thanks for sharing this experience, I blogged about it too and hope some other women will find your blog this way too:


Anonymous said...

Wow, what a timely post for me! I'm not sure what prompted you to post this particular section from your blog, as I realized after I clicked the link that this was a post from just over a year ago.

My husband and I have re-started our journey to be parents using donor eggs. The transfer is tentatively scheduled for mid-November. We used an agency to help pick our donor, but part of the interest in this particular person was that she would be willing to meet with us. Somehow just knowing that she would meet us, made the decision easier. However, because we have had a lot of disappointing news regarding my health, we decided to put off that meeting until we actually got all the green lights for the go ahead (we didn't want to get attached to a person or a process until we knew it was happening).

But now the time has come. It's time to meet. And I'm scared to death. Do you have any advice? I'll be going back and reading your earlier posts to derive inspiration.


(Moved over from Bridges by Kami)

Me said...

I guess I wasn't blogging yet because I don't remember reading this post and you're one of the first bloggers I began to read. Someday I'm going to find the time to go back and read all your archives.