Why the difference?

Continuing the conversation about egg donors (started awhile back) and, specifically, why we treat and compensate egg donors so much differently than sperm donors.

Consider the following differences:

• Men are paid (in my town anyway) $50.00 a shot (no pun intended) compared to women who are paid $4000.
  
• Men don't get paid if their sample is unusable. Women do.
• Men would need to donate every 4-5 days for a year to make as much as a woman and that is assuming his samples are always good. Want to have sex? He'd better time it just right or there goes his $50.00
• Yes, a woman goes through considerably more pain, but she is also done in less than 2 weeks (not including the prep time, but men have some prep time too)
• Female donors are required to see a counselor before donating to make sure they have really thought things through. Males are not.
• A recipient is required to get counseling before proceeding with using donor eggs, but not before using donor sperm.
• According to this dissertation, women are expected to be more altruistic than men in their motivation
• Recipients of eggs, but not sperm, are encouraged (or flat out told) to give the donor a gift on top of that donor's fees.
  
• It was my donor's personal experience that people did not approve of her donating her eggs and compared it to giving away her children. I don't have similar knowledge about men, but one of Brad's acquaintances donated sperm and Brad thought he was doing it because he thought his genes would better the species.
  

I have some thoughts on why we treat sperm donors and egg donors so differently, but I would love to hear your thoughts. Why the difference? Do you think it is fair? Is it really market driven or is there something else going on? Any other thoughts? For those of you in the market for both sperm and egg donors, what has been your experience?

Avenues to healing

What do you to when you are so sleep deprived that you can barely function at work? You use the time you should be working (and have a babysitter) to blog, of course.

As a quick update, I am moving right along for the DE FET cycle. I am CD6 by my count and my first cycle b/w and u/s are tomorrow. In between the appointments, I feel very good about this cycle. I feel like it is buying a $5,000 lottery ticket with a 10% chance of winning. It is fun to dream and hope that we will hit it big, but I think that if it doesn't work I will just shrug my shoulders and move on to the fresh cycle in September. No stress.

Except when I have an appointment. Then I feel much anxiety. The familiar drive, the waiting room . . . just typing this is making my blood pressure go up. I go there with a lot of baggage. It isn't unusual for me to cry on the way to the clinic. I relive so much sadness.

It isn't all bad though. In the process of reliving our failed cycles, of our time of living childfree wondering if we would ever get to be parents, I may be healing some of those wounds. I can feel how bad it felt and then remind myself that I am not in that emotional space anymore. I can drive to the clinic aching to hold our Someday Baby and then come home and hold her. When I come home . . . I have no words to explain how good it feels to wrap LB up in a hug. It is like I am the person I was pre-LB; but have this reassurance that all will be well. Maybe it is like Summer's letter to her past self. I am finding that old, hurt, scared part of myself and telling her, "It's ok. You will have a baby and she will be the most amazing, wonderful, beautiful baby in the world. Trust me. Be patient. Move on to DE. Hold on. It will be ok."

I couldn't have that then - this future self comforting my past self, but I can pretend now. I am, in a way, rewriting my past to make it less stressful, less filled with grief. Not that I want to forget either, I just don't want to carry it around with me so much anymore. I am hoping that even if this cycle fails, it will be worth the $5,000.

Ha . . . not to diminish what I just said, but $5,000 can buy a lot of time with a therapist. I suppose it is good to take advantage of the opportunities that present themselves.

New twist to an old habit

Our evening walks have gotten a bit more interesting, if a lot slower. I think LB really enjoyed being able to control where she went (sort of), stopping occasionally to point out birds or airplanes or wave to a passerby.



I hope it is ok to post these here and there. I don't want this to be just another mommy blog and I want people reading from a place of trying to conceive to feel comfortable here. I also want to show that life is good on the other side and that using donor eggs is a very small part of the equation. As I have said before . . . these are good times.

Still bitter

Why give up on something I am good at? Is it just me or are these reserved parking spaces really annoying. I wouldn't use one if it was the last space for miles. Which it was that day. Ok, maybe not quite miles.

Maybe not the most uplifting post for my two year blogoversary, but perhaps appropriate and since I am a single mom this week (Brad is in England and Ireland for work), it's all I have time for.

Gratuitous pic

At the cafe this morning. It's hard to drink my tea when she keeps stealing the straws.

We are still lucky!

Our luck continues to hold. The best kind of two week wait: it only lasts one week and you get the results you want - in this case a BFN. That is, my skin biopsy was negative for abnormal cells or no cutaneous t-cell lymphoma. We still treat the parapsoriasis because leaving it untreated would increase the risk that it could become cancerous. We either use topical steroid or narrow band UVB. We will decide on a plan of action next week.

In other "we are lucky" news, a fun little tidbit on the LB front. Weeks after learning her first sign (for cat), she finally started using another one. It is the sign for "more" which we also use for "again". It is SO cute, if I dare say so myself.

The only problem is that she clearly is not using it to mean "more" or "again". She seems to mean, "If I do this silly hand movement, then will you pick me up and take me where I tell you?" I guess it is nicer than hearing "Puleeeeease?" or other forms of begging.

Now, should I encourage her to use the sign by picking her up and playing with her (or following her point and grunt that means, "take me there") or should I ignore it unless it is used to indicate more of what we are already doing?

In FET news, I have taken my last BCP and am waiting for CD1. Not sure what is next because I'm not sure if we are going to do a natural or synthetic cycle. I have never been so relaxed about a cycle. It really seems to be about the journey and not the destination since I don't expect it to work, but it would be really cool if it did. Let's hope it stays easy.

Welcome, little one

Luna has welcomed home her daughter. She was born to K on June first just as the sun came up. If you want to see a magical open domestic adoption unfold, you might want to keep an eye on this blog.

Congratulations Luna!

Perfect Moment Monday

It was a warm, but breezy day. We were at a BBQ with friends and LB didn't want to take a nap even though she missed her morning one. I have almost no luck getting her to go to sleep unless she is either nursing or going for a drive. I was having no luck nursing - she kept pulling off to socialize, leaving me a bit exposed.

Finally, daddy took her off to the side. They sat on a chaise lounge, with LB facing Brad and either sitting up or occasionally lying back against his bent legs. Later, Brad said that she would look around, close her eyes, sit up, look around, lie back, close her eyes, etc. until eventually she fell into a deep sleep. Daddy even got to dose off a little.

Me? I got to have some adult conversation and occasionally look in on my two sleeping beauties. Even now I can feel my heart warming at the thought. I know how incredibly lucky I am to have such perfect moments. My thoughts are always with those TTC #1.

For more perfect moments, visit Lori over at Weebles Webblog