Friday, May 22, 2009

Yes, no and rarely maybe

I am waiting for my CD3 blood work to come back. I haven't decided to cycle with my eggs, but I'm not ready to decide to not cycle either so the blood work needed to be done. I could be out of the running in a matter of hours if my FSH is high. I think that I will be ok with that. The worst sting is likely to be from an indicator of age more than being the reason I won't be trying again.

Just before the blood draw, I was taking LB out of her car seat (I showed up late to avoid anyone in the waiting room since I didn't have a sitter) and thought for the thousandth time how beautiful her eyes are. Can I brag about that since they aren't from me? Anyway, it made me think about her genes compared to my genes which led me down the path of all the illness in my family. Between my mom and dad we have cancer, heart disease and mental illness. I don't remember Belinda's profile but it was laughable in comparison - something like her dad had an ulcer. Yes, I am 90% decided, I will not cycle with my eggs. It isn't likely to produce a baby anyway and why take the chance of passing on mental illness? There. Done.

Two hours later I was waking up from a nap and made the opposite decision. Why not? If this had happened easily I wouldn't have considered not having my genetic child for those reasons. Why should I decide that now? I just want to and it might bring me some peace. Isn't that enough of a reason? Plus my RE has kindly offered to help minimize the cost. What is the harm? There. Done.

It occurred to me that I am thinking about our second child (if we are so lucky) and whether s/he will be more like Belinda or more like me. In reality, we will either have one child or the other. One unique set of genes will be brought together and that is the life that will be created and all the other potential lives won't be. Since I don't believe in a soul or some cosmic power bringing me the baby I am 'meant to have'; this is all there really is. There is an old cell from my husband combined with an old cell from me or Belinda and together, somehow, they create a brand new person with unblemished skin and a mind ready to discover the world. It's mind bending sometimes. Or maybe it is my lack of sleep talking.

Thanks for listening. There might be a lot of circular and repetitive posts over the next few days or weeks. Just nod and smile every once in a while and I will assume your still listening, but won't be offended if you aren't.

I will update this post when my FSH comes back.

Edited to add: Perhaps I am lying to myself. My phone just rang and it wasn't the RE's office, but I thought it was and my heart stopped beating and I thought, "Please don't tell me my FSH is elevated!" It may be an emotional ride even if I don't want it to be.

Update #2: No FSH results today. They didn't run them. I have never had that happen at my clinic through 5 ivf cycles. Seems very odd, but I didn't ask when because I didn't want to sound like I cared, even to myself.

12 comments:

Sky said...

I hope your FSH returns whatever values make whatever decision you wind up making easier to make. (if that makes sense?!)

sarah said...

Ugh. I hate me some muddy decisions.

I don't know...I wish I could say "And here is your perfect answer!"

I am happy to watch your ping pong match my dear!

Summer said...

I know when I have difficult decisions like this to make, the going back and forth trying to decide what to do ultimately helps me come to a decision that I won't regret later on. And I think that's the most important thing here. That whatever you decide to do, you won't have to look back and wish you had done it differently.

Panamahat said...

I'm still listening! ((hugs))

Fertilized said...

Good Luck

battynurse said...

Thinking of you. Hugs.

Sara said...

I'm listening here too, and wishing you all the best.

MrsSpock said...

I totally understand that rollercoaster- I ride it everyday too. Should I or shouldn't I try again now? When I'm taking my meds and feel good, it's yes. When I miss my afternoon dose- it's no.

Lanie said...

(((HUGS))) I hope your results come back soon, and you can be in a better place to make an informed decision. It just sucks to wait, to think, to decide . . .

niobe said...

Thinking of you. (and the going back and forth sounds just like me, as I make my way towards a decision about, well, just about anything).

B said...

It must be hard going back to the cycle of hope and fear!

I am sure that it will be a bit simpler this time.

take care

B

Me said...

I have been a bit behind on my blog reading and so am just now commenting. I have to admit that I LOL at your ETA comment. Those are the moments of truth. Funny how off guard they catch you sometimes, huh?

hugs and smiles