Thursday, May 21, 2009

A beautiful theory

I have continued to enjoy the possibility of trying again with my eggs. Even though I haven't given it a lot of detailed thought, the idea has given me a bit of a lift. I figured, worst case scenario, that my milk would dry up and we wouldn't get pregnant. I think that it is a risk I am willing to take because LB doesn't need to nurse for nutritional reasons and maybe she will continue to nurse for comfort even if there is very little milk. Plus, I just can't believe that would happen to me. Of course, I didn't believe I would have trouble conceiving either.

This morning I asked Brad what his worst case scenario was. He was afraid it would work with my eggs but then we would have a messed up kid. I told him I would call my OB (aka Dr. Wonderful) and get his take.

Dr. W said the risk of abnormal chromosomes in someone my age is about 1 in 30 (excluding early miscarriages). That sounds high, but 97 normal chromosome babies out of 100 doesn't sound too risky. Then there is the fact that we made a normal chromosome baby who was still non compatible with life (which to me is preferable than raising a severely messed up kid - call me selfish).

The fact that ruined my beautiful theory was what Dr. Wonderful said next. If we are so lucky to have one embryo implant (15% for DE embryo . . . next to zero for one of mine), we won't know who's child it is. Obvious, but I had only considered the impact to that child . . . should we get DNA analysis - that sort of thing. Dr. W. added that we wouldn't know what kind of risks we were looking at during pregnancy. I thought I would assume that it was Belinda's, but now I wonder if I would worry more about the health of the baby thinking that it might be mine. Clouds form too easily over my head. I don't want to add reasons to worry.

Sigh. I really didn't want this to be a big deal. Now I find that this good reason to not try again with my eggs has got me in a bit of a funk*. Clearly then, my emotional side wants to try again, which I suppose is good to know, but I don't exactly trust my emotional side to be a good judge or have the proper motivation.

Today is CD1 so I need to decide soon . . . but not just yet.

*This is a post-LB funk which is nothing compared to a pre-LB funk. We had a wonderful 2 hour stroll along the river this morning. We stopped and played with the wildflowers and pointed out birds. I told myself I wouldn't depend on having a baby to make me happier, but I am.


Geohde said...

It's that never-ending what-if. There's many angles to the what if, and having LB is wonderful, but I guess the sting of not succeding with your own eggs never entirely fades, does it?



battynurse said...

I'm sorry that this is such a difficult decision for you. I hope you find an answer that works for you.

niobe said...

Dr. W. added that we wouldn't know what kind of risks we were looking at during pregnancy.I can certainly understand that there are many, many factors to consider in making the difficult decision whether to try with your own eggs too, but (at least to me) this seems like one that could be dealt with.

If you're talking about age-related chromosomal-type risks, couldn't you assume that the baby was genetically yours and therefore higher risk and do whatever kinds of prenatal tests you felt comfortable with, using those numbers?

And, of course, if you decide to do an amnio or CVS, presumably you'll get conclusive answers about whether there's a chromosomal abnormality or not.

But maybe I'm missing something. It certainly wouldn't be the first time.

Sara said...

I was afraid of the same worst case scenario, but in the end, even though I did get the dreaded BFN, I have been able to return to nursing with Eggbert despite having gone a full month without nursing her at all AND having an huge drop in supply due to the suppression meds. She is still interested, and my supply has built back up to something acceptable to us both in just a week. Obviously everyone is different, but I am very optimistic that if you keep nursing LB throughout your cycle, you can maintain the nursing relationship even if your supply does take a hit, as long as she's still interested.

About not knowing whose baby it is, would it actually affect the care that you'd receive? I understand that the worries would be different, but do they actually have insurmountable practical implications?

Good luck making a decision.