Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Wise Women

I am still entertaining thoughts about that one last one-last-chance with my eggs. I like the word "entertaining" because I am enjoying the possibility without thinking too much about the consequences. It is all potential right now. It is, in a way, entertaining.

The time is nearing when I will need to think about it more closely. I have been telling myself that I would just go with what felt good at the time - the path of least resistance, if you will. But as I have discussed it here and there with a few friends it has occurred to me that I really need to choose. Down both paths there is the potential for heart ache and I need to decide which path is the most likely to have the more positive outcome.

I have started with the premise that using my eggs will not produce a live baby. The question is, will it be more helpful for me to go through the process one more time or will it be more helpful to really, truly, once and for all, draw a line in the sand and move on. The fuzzy line is that going through the process one more time may help with the latter - or it may just bring up lots of negative feelings and, as one friend said, "add another layer of bricks to the wall."

Some other thoughts from my wise friends (not exact quotes, but they way I remember them):

  • I don't think you can do it and not make it a big deal. if it doesn't work you've got all that heartache again for nothing.

  • Maybe that is what makes you special - not being able to do this without really feeling it. Maybe it is worth it anyway.

  • I know my firstborn feels slighted just because the second one took all the attention away. Just imagine if she found out she was not biologically mine and the second one was.

  • Even if it works out just as you would hope and you have your genetic baby, it won't heal what you are trying to heal. What you really wanted was to have sex and get a baby easily. It won't change all the crap you went through.

  • If $8,000 will bring decades of peace, it is worth the money.
Thank you, ladies. Now I have to figure out if it will bring me more peace even if when it fails. I will think about that soon, but not before I have to. I am having too much fun with LB to want to be weighed down with heavy thoughts.

Speaking of, please allow me to share a happy story. Sunday we drove back from Seattle late in the day and, as I predicted, LB got pretty grumpy on the way home - her nap and eating schedule (such as it is) was all messed up. She was sitting in the back between my sister and her husband. After about an hour of mostly crying baby, we stopped at a rest area and had about 30 minutes of quality mommy-baby time. We went to put her back in her car seat between aunt and uncle and she started crying and twisting around to see me. So I switched with my sister and the remaining 2 hours she was quite pleasant although obviously very tired.

That is not the cool part of the story.

The cool part is when we got home about an hour after her bedtime. I was nursing her to sleep when Brad came in to the room and we had a brief, whispered discussion. LB pulled off of my breast, said "Da-da!" and looked around for him. He decided to lay down with us until LB fell asleep. Instead of going back to nursing, she sat up and crawled over to him and laid her head on his chest. She fussed a bit and tried laying on his leg. Still not quite right, she crawled back to his chest, laid her head down on him and fell asleep. There she stayed for the next 3 hours. I guess she needed some quality daddy time too.


battynurse said...

What a sweet story of LB falling asleep on daddy. Did you get a pic of that?
Whatever you decide about the cycle I hope you are comfortable with and that it's a positive experience.

Peeveme said...

I have no words of wisdom that you haven't already thought about. For me, I did make that line in the sand and moved onto DE. I wont allow myself to doubt or look back. I have to be convinced that my eggs are over. Otherwise I could not move onto De. Now, your situation is the opposite of mine because I have a genetic child....so maybe that made it easier for me to do DE since I already have the genetic link thing? I don't miss it with baby #2 as much as someone who doesn't have it becasue i do have it with one child.

While, for me, I agree with all the advice about moving on the one that really struck me is the 8K bringing you decades of peace. Even though I'm all about sucking it up and facing reality....that one made an impression.

So there....I'm of no help whatsoever.

Irish Girl said...

I sooooo agree with your friend who suggested that having another baby using your own eggs wouldn't necessarily *fix* everything, as there are bigger issues after all you've been through. I totally feel that, personally. I say go with your gut ... which is what it sounds like you're doing already. :-)

Leah and Maya said...

ohhhhh you didn't tell me about that, I bet Brad felt like he was on top of the world, he was more importand then mommy and the boob, thas really something when your the dad.
OK so yes I do think that if you use your eggs and it does work then you will finally see what your genentic child does look like and thats something, I think most people have dreamt about what their child wouldlook like, but it will not erase all you ill feelings and jaded thoughts becasue none of it will have happend in that perfect way or even after one easy IVF cycle. IF you do think it will bring you some closure then of course it is worth it, butIknow the way you think I and I"m not sure the closure will be enough, you will always be on the "what if's" but still if its something that you want and it will drive DR.RE a little more crazy then do it, maybe he can buy his kids another swimming pool. I"m just saying do it if you think it will help, but as you can see although LB has fixed not having a baby so that is is beyond wonderful you are still jaded and angry regardless, so if it worked having your own won't fix that part of it, but I totally get you and if it were free I would probably be doing it again along with you, or if either of us had good insurance.

Lori said...

Awwwww....I be that made Daddy's whole year.

sarah said...

I'm sort of in the same place, but only going for number 1. I want to know if it is over with my eggs, espcially since I've never had a 'real' chance because of our BT, but at the same time, I'm ready to jsut be done. I wonder if having LB makes it easier to go 'back to the well' since it will be a different kind of loss than it was before she was in your life.

Not on Fire said...

For me it was easier, my eggs were such crap that DE was the only course open if I wanted to bear a child.

DE worked for me. I have to tell you that over time, the genetic stuff has mattered less and less. I love my boys. I am their Mother. The empty spot has been filled.