Sunday, October 21, 2007

Better times

Thank you everyone for you very supportive comments. It has been so good for me to get those thoughts out and to know that I was heard. As we all know, it is often difficult, if not impossible for our fertile friends to understand.

I have been doing a bit better. I talked to my therapist about this a day after I posted it. Not surprisingly, she provided the same advice that many of you did - be gentle with myself. She also said it was normal to grieve this loss and it takes as long as it takes. Given the heightened emotions that often accompany pregnancy, she thought it would be good to soften the blow at this time by telling myself, "I will not always feel like this." I thought that was good advice. I have talked or emailed with people who have had children through adoption or donor gametes and they all say the good outweighs the bad. I suspect I will feel the same way in time even if it seems impossible now. I have tried it now for a couple of days and it does seem to take the edge off of the fear and sadness.

Today I was talking to my sister who was telling me cute nephew stories. He is about two now. My longing was palpable and in that moment I would have gladly taken my sisters kid and called him my own. It made this potential baby seem like a great idea again. It may not be my first choice, but she would be our baby and that is enough . . . Right? . . . Ok, so I am not 100% ok with everything, but I have my mantras - and meditations to help and I am hopeful it will make a difference.

Brad and I marked the third anniversary of Ernest's birth yesterday. We went geocaching as we have done each year since he was born. It seems appropriate since it was one of the activities we did when we went to the coast for a week after his birth. The first two years we left a baby item and a note about our little boy. This year that didn't feel appropriate. We didn't want to continue to think of him as a baby - after all he would be 3 this year. At the same time we know he will never grow up. We found a good compromise. We went geocaching as usual, but instead of leaving a baby item, we decided to leave an Infertility Awareness Bracelet. I put it in a zip lock bag along with the following note:

Infertility Awareness Bracelet

The pomegranate-colored thread holds a two-fold purpose: to identify and create community between those experiencing infertility as well as create a starting point for a conversation. Women pregnant through any means, natural or A.R.T., families created through adoption or surrogacy, or couples trying to conceive during infertility or secondary infertility can wear the thread, identifying themselves to others in this silent community. At the same time, the string serves as a gateway to conversations about infertility when people inquire about its purpose. These conversations are imperative if we are ever to remove the social stigma attached to infertility. Tie on the thread because you’re not alone. Wear to make aware.

You can continue to spread the word by making your own infertility bracelet. Purchase this pomegranate-colored thread (#814 by DMC) at any craft, knitting, or variety store such as Jo-Ann’s or Target. Tie it on your right wrist. Notice it on others. Wear to make aware.

For more information visit:

Please Note: This bracelet is intended to be worn only by those with personal experience with infertility.

I hope someone will find it who can use it or at least pass it on to someone else. Note: Most of the note I took from Mel's website at the link listed on the flier.


Laurie said...

Sounds like you are doing well and your therapist gives good advice. I can honestly tell you that when I hold my son he is mine and I love him from the bottom of my heart, even though I do not share his genes, and did not give birth to him. I can't even describe how much I love him. Being his mommy is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me. It is hard for me to be 'thankful' for my infertility -- but I can say that I can't imagine my life without him.

I like the idea of leaving the infertility bracelet. very cool.

Lori Lavender Luz said...

You found a wonderful way to commemorate Ernest.

I am sorry for what I'm sure was a difficult day.

Pamela T. said...

Glad you're being gentle with yourself and allowing for the opportunity to accept that things will get better! Good advice.

Thinking of you, too, on the anniversary of Ernest's birth. Like you, I hope the bracelet goes on to help someone else...I'm sure it will.

Familyofthree said...

What a fabulous gesture. I hope that it gives, or gave rather some sense of peace during this time for you.

Keeping you firmly in my thoughts!

Lisa said...

I just found your blog through m and I'm glad I did. You have expressed some feelings that I am having too about my pregnancy using DE. Thank you for being so honest. I am thrilled with my pregnancy but I still have occassional feelings of sadness about my own genetic loss. I overheard my husband telling his sister about the DE and it stung. I'm looking forward to continuing this journey with someone like you.

I don't know the details of your loss but I'm sorry. It's amazing that you have the strength to honor his memory.

singletracey said...

Just wanted to say Hi. I found your blog this morning and I am using donor egg/donor sperm this next IVF.

I like the IF bracelet .. share the knowledge!

One View said...

Hi Kami. Glad you are feeling better and slowly working through your feelings. I know it time you'll get there and I think you are doing all the right things.

What a wonderfu idea to remember Ernest. I have hope that the bracelet will make a difference in someones life as well.