Monday, October 8, 2007

Waiting and meditating

Thank you again to everyone for your support. It is amazing how much a little comment can help.

Per Leah's request, I am posting an update on how I am doing. I have been thinking about what to post for a couple of days. I would like to chronicle how my feelings (hopefully) continue to change to more acceptance regarding using donor eggs. The problem is that my emotions have been all over the place and I am not even sure where they come from.

I haven't been feeling particularly pregnant. I do have tender breasts and have had some cramping, but neither of these are definitely due to the pregnancy instead of the progesterone. They are also much milder symptoms than I had with Ernest - my only non-medicated pregnancy. Even though it is early, the lack of symptoms leads me to panic that this pregnancy is already over and I just don't know it yet.

I have also been crying a lot - not for extended periods, but for short periods several times throughout the day. At different times, I have different reasons for this. All or none of them may be true, but here is the short list:
  • I am afraid this pregnancy won't last.
  • I feel like this might actually work and that letting down my guard a bit allows the grief of the last 5 years to come pouring out.
  • I am sad that the first time we receive good, doubling betas is only after we have given up on my eggs.
  • It is just the hormones making me cry easily and all the reasons are just manifestations of a mind trying to make an illogical reaction logical.
In order to stay sane - or at least somewhat calm - I have been practicing my meditation per Mel's second happiness challenge. I either try to just notice my breath, the sensations around me or I create a happy place in my mind to visit. I have had varying degrees of success. I was surprised - when I finally set a timer - that I am coming nowhere near the 10 minutes. The time I did set a timer, I was amazed at how many different thoughts can pass through a mind in only 10 minutes. Especially when I'm trying to keep all those thoughts out.

I think it has helped. I especially find it useful to "go to my happy place" at night. Otherwise I would be too terrified to sleep. Don't get me wrong, I am hopeful. At least I think I am. At the very least I try to stay neutral and not think about it too much. The down side of knowing so many infertiles is you always know someone who was in a similar position and lost the pregnancy. In this case, I know someone who had high, doubling betas (they were thinking it was twins) and found no gestational sacs at the first ultrasound - the same timing as my upcoming ultrasound. Later the blood work revealed her beta levels were going down and she was diagnosed with a chemical pregnancy.

Did I say I am trying not to think about it too much? I guess "trying" is the key word. I keep reminding myself that it is either going to work or it isn't and there is extremely little I can do to influence the outcome. I don't want to spend the next eight months (if I am so lucky) worried or filled with anxiety either. I figure this is good practice.


AwkwardMoments said...

thinking of you ... You are doing an amazing job with all of this

Irish Girl said...

I'm with you. You're doing great. Keep talking/writing/thinking. It is all part of the experience.

Geohde said...

I'm truly hoping for you, Kami.




K said...

I think about you a lot and wonder how you're doing. Glad you're meditating. Still crossing everything for you!!!

Lori Lavender Luz said...

Isn't it odd to know that it is what it is, despite any of the mental/emotional contortions you might put yourself through.

Holding for you luscious, fertile, growing thoughts, Kami.

I was surprised the other night to look at the clock at the "end" of my meditation to find that only 4 minutes had passed!

Familyofthree said...

Its hard I know. Just take each day, each hour, each minute as it comes.

I remember saying after my last miscarriage~I spent more time worrying and less time enjoying the THOUGHT of being a mommy...and afterwards I realized that it was unfair. Not to me, but to the little person I held under my heart.

Wishing you only good and happy thoughts

Kami said...

"I spent more time worrying and less time enjoying the THOUGHT of being a mommy...and afterwards I realized that it was unfair. Not to me, but to the little person I held under my heart.

I agree completely. I am trying to remind myself of that. I hope to keep getting better.

Frenchie said...

Nothing amazingly insightful to say--just--wow. Keep meditating. You are doing something amazing. I am pulling for you.

niobe said...

We do know way too much. I so miss those happy days when I didn't know anything at all.

Thinking good thoughts for you.

One View said...

Congrats on the doubling Beta Kami.. :) :) I can understand your fears and its hard not to worry. I'm hoping with all my heart for you. Thinking of you and hang in there. You are doing all the right things.

stacyb said...

just wanted to echo what others have said, thinking good thoughts for you.

Dealing with the fear is hard. i've also found meditation helpful...that and knocking constantly on wood. i find it a constant battle -- i guess as other have mentioned it's innocence lost. still as you wrote we all have space in ourselves for happy positive feelings and that's a fantastic thing.

Soupy said...

OH! I came to see what the news was, and I'm so thrilled to see the BFP - however, I don't blame you one bit for being scared. Who wouldn't be in your shoes?
Sending you good thoughts, as well....and I practiced positive visualization throughout the entire first trimester and I swore it helped --- picture that/those embies snuggling in for a long winter's nap!

Jill said...

Thinking of you for your u/s tomorrow!!!