Saturday, November 22, 2008

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

We all know that infertility is the gift that keeps on giving. I did a quick Google search on that phrase along with the words 'infertility blog' and got pages of hits - some of the blogs I even recognized. I should have probably come up with a more original title, but inspiration failed me.

LB and I are home alone tonight. Brad is off to a birthday dinner we were all invited to, but it was a drive and LB hates driving at night. That on top of a crowded restaurant - well, I didn't think she or the other diners would appreciate it so we decided let Brad represent us.

The plan was to put LB in a high back carry and bake some cookies. LB decided she needed a little snack first so as I nursed her, I picked up a book a friend had just loaned us. It is Paul Reiser's Babyhood. I though there might be a few landmines in it, but it is supposed to be hilarious. How bad could it be? Sure it was a rough road, but I had a baby now. I thought I would be able to relate. I suppose I could, but I don't think the author intended for the reader to be crying by page 34.

I got past the part where the author and his wife dreamed of how their mutually genetic baby would look and act. I was a bit uncomfortable, but survived the pages that implied it wasn't a slam dunk process for them. Then he described the moment his wife took a home pregnancy test (HPT). Of course, they were so excited . . . and a bit freaked out. Oh, how I remember my first positive pregnancy test.

We had done our second IUI about 2 weeks prior. We had already been trying for two years and I had many negative HPT's under my belt already. In these 'early' days, I didn't watch my luteal phase too closely so I think I was actually about 16 days post ovulation (dpo) when I took the pregnancy test. At seven dpo, my OB suggested that we check my progesterone. It was a bit high indicating a possible pregnancy. I filed the information away and didn't really get hopeful. Then I started noticing my breast were much more tender than was common for me. I remember I was at work when it hit me that I might be pregnant. There was the progesterone levels, the sore breasts and now this odd pain on my side that I used to associate with ovulation. Oh my gosh! Could it be?! I couldn't wait to get home to pee on a stick. It was about 2:00 in the afternoon. I got off at four and rushed home.

Brad was out of town on business and I would be picking him up in just an hour. I wondered if I should wait until he was home and we could test together. Not surprisingly, I couldn't wait. I really, really suspected I was pregnant. I went into the bathroom, 'exposed' the stick and put it on the floor in front of me like I had done many times before. I watched as the evaporation line made it's way across the paper . . . oh. my. gosh. I saw two pink lines taking shape! I was so excited and freaked out that I grabbed a magazine and threw it over the stick. I waited what seemed like minutes, but it was probably a few seconds. I slowly peeked under the magazine. I WAS REALLY PREGNANT!

I can't even describe how I managed to get to the airport and wait for Brad's plane to arrive. He had travelled with coworkers so I had to wait until we got to the car to tell him. I showed him the stick as I said, "I'm pregnant!"

We were so happy. Oh, we were a bit freaked out too. We knew we wanted kids, but now we were actually facing the reality of it for the first time. Mostly we were just thrilled. The funny thing is that I was so sure IUI wouldn't work for us that I briefly (sorry Brad!) entertained the idea that the sperm got mixed up in the lab. Of course, it didn't really work for us.

It was such an amazing and happy and special experience. I wish it was a good memory too.


Geohde said...

Ah Kami,

This post makes me tear up.

I've only ever had two positive pregnancy tests. I've taken about a million.

The first one ended badly, as you know. And yet it IS a happy memory. The test, not the rest. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw that second line, it just seemed too easy after the time already spent not getting pregnant.

As history relates, it was.


B said...

These joyous moments are so confusing in the light of subsequent tragedy. Yet it would be wrong to loose the joy of them wouldn't it.

So sad Kami - but beautiful too.

Hold LB close


Lisa said...

I hear you! I think those of us who have spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on those damn tests remember the first positive we ever saw because, well, because it stands out so clearly from all of the negatives before it!

Frenchie said...

I remember the joy of my one and only ever positive pregnancy test. It is a very bittersweet memory.

Brenda said...

What a beautiful, yet bittersweet post.

Kate said...

I know your feelings- after thinking for sure that I was pregnant, even though the stick said no, I was convinced it was a bad batch and made DH go out and buy a different brand. After a + from DE, I will forever save that stick, maybe even take a picture of it for my baby's scrapbook.

Pamela T. said...

i will admit that i envy you more than a bit. never got to see two lines...

stacyb said...

it's strange to remember back to a time when i thought if you want to get pregnant you have a sex...or that, foolish me, i ever needed birth control.

and how great is it that you are now baking cookies with LB on your back! now that is an amazing thing.