Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Not Quite Letting Go

When I made my plan, it never really occurred to me that we would be successful with our FET. It was easy to decide "if it works, I will say good bye to my genetic baby forever". Of course, that was logical too since trying with my own eggs was even more unlikely to work. I knew at some point I really, once and for all, needed to completely let go of having my genetic child.

Oh, but I was excited and hopeful! For the first time in nearly two years I stopped saying (when one of my sisters was making my crazy), "Here I am, the pick of the litter and I didn't get to breed." I started saying (with an internal smile), "Here I am, the pick of the litter and I might yet get to breed."

They were good, hopeful times. I put the word out that I was looking for any left over meds to help defray as much of my out of pocket expenses as possible. I got a couple of promises and some in my anxious little hands. I was even excited about cycling alongside Belinda, our donor. We would make it as hopeful, exciting and stress free as possible. Belinda was excited too. It was right, it would work and no one would have to get nailed to anything!* I enjoyed that thought for 39 days.

Then came the positive pregnancy test on the FET.

I was and still am very, very happy it worked. While it would have been nice to try again with my eggs, the most likely outcome is that I wouldn't have had any of my embryos grow into a healthy baby. There were of course no guarantees that a fresh cycle with Belinda's and any potential FET's would have worked for a sibling. I know I am fortunate not only in being successful (so far) but in saving quite of bit of time, money and stress. It is all good.

So why do I still have these in my fridge and why does it make me just a little bit sad every time I see them?

*From Douglass Adam's book So Long and Thanks for All the Fish


Leah Maya Benjamin said...

Give them away or throw them away, are they expired? I am always scared to being jinxed, you dont' want to loose this baby and have to try again, really.
Just some crappy infertile moments.

Leah Maya Benjamin said...

just wanted to point out that you have a picture of boxes of drugs but you didn't post a picture of your little trick or treater! come on we want to see some cute Halloween trick or treating going on.

Sunny said...

As always, I love your honesty about this process you are going through. And as it a process, I'm sure there are lots of loops, steps forward, and steps back.

Although the genetic material may not be passing down, I am so glad that you have these pregnancies, and two precious little ones whom you will be molding and shaping in other ways.

battynurse said...

I hear you. I held on to that last vial of follistim until almost a year after my cycle before sending it on. That doesn't even mention all the vials of expired that it killed me to throw away.

Me said...

Because you're human. (And the pick of the litter.)


Ryan's Mommy said...

Because those meds cost a lot of money. At least, that was my reason. I waited until I was well into the second trimester and I was pretty sure this baby was going to stick before I let my meds go. By then, a lot of them had expired. I have to say, it felt great to close the door on that chapter (hopefully) forever!

Jill said...

Hey - I can't remember - do you need heparin? I got a month's worth of heparin 4 days before my water broke. SO I have a lot if you need it.

Keep the meds til you know you're done or til they're close to expiring and you know you're not going to be TTC then. That's what I did with my leftovers. And one of my friends got a baby out of my Follistim. So I feel good about that.

It's so crazy that the FET worked. I remember when you were making the plan it sort of seemed like you were going to do the FET just to get on to the next step. SURPRISE. I'm still so happy for you!!

Laurie said...

Took me FOREVER to throw out my meds, long after they expired. You aren't alone on that one.

Unknown said...

Ah yes, I have a similar fridge packet.

I read your blog often (more than I comment) and I wanted to thank you for your take on donor eggs. As we try it, it helps to read someone else's experience of it and see that other people worry about some of the things I do.