We did it!

We survived the first day back at work. Thank you everyone for your thoughts on the matter. I had my BIL come and hang out for the first 2 hours and while it was a bit painful, I managed without him so I sent him home. During the two hour break, Brad came home with lunch (yummy smoked meatloaf sandwich) and a mocha! Ahh, sugar and caffeine blended with ice. Just what I needed. Seeing Brad was great too.

The first two hours were a bit stressful because she was awake and alert for most of it. She spent some time in a chair that rocks when she kicks her feet. When the toys are attached from a bar, she can make the toys rock. Just yesterday, she put this together so that kept her entertained for a bit. Some of the time I had her in a sling, happily sucking away although not really eating. She also spent some time laying on her back. I would talk to her while I could and the rest of the time she would just stare off into space. I hate that look. She looks depressed or that she has given up on me ever responding to her. I hope it is ok for her brain development. I keep thinking of the billions of connections being built right now.

The second two hours were easier. During the 2 hour break, she kept wanting to fall asleep. I would let her and then put her down. In about 10 minutes she would wake up (she hates to sleep alone) and we would have about 30 minutes of happy time before she would get fussy and we would repeat the process. When it came time to work, I kept her in the sling and was able to work while she slept.

The downside is that we have had record high temperatures and we don't have air conditioning. Here I am, trying to work in an 86 degree house with a baby strapped to my front. We were both dripping sweat. About 30 minutes before I was scheduled to get off, I couldn't take it anymore, so I put her down. She woke up about 20 minutes later and I still had to call a customer back - so back into my lap she goes. Fortunately, after an initial call, I was able to get off the phone and remote in.

All in all, I think it was a success. I am not looking forward to tomorrow because the first two hours were pretty stressful, but maybe we will keep getting better at it. I am still getting my new pc up and running as I like it and that added to the stress this morning.

Afterward, we did our best to get comfortable by cooling down with a wet washcloth.

The other success today is that even though I was working and not paying enough attention to her, I was still able to catch the majority of her eliminations. I am just loving doing the "elimination communication" stuff. It is just amazing to have her communicate her discomfort, put her on the potty and have her go. When I mess it up and misread her intentions, she straightens her legs and screams - so I know right away she didn't really need to go. When I get it right, she quiets right down and gets busy. Not to brag (yeah, I'm bragging), but a few days ago we caught 9 out of her first 9 eliminations. The funny thing is that she went 9 times in only four hours. We were out and about after that and I only caught one more, but I think it was a new record.

Well, enough for now. I am afraid I have become one of those people who can go on and on about pooping and peeing. Wait until I can post pics of our camping trip. She went potty in the woods!

Going back to work - again

It is that time to start earning money again. Fortunately, unlike the last time I went back to work, this time I do it as a mom. Wow. That feels so good to type . . . "as a mom". A mom of a living baby. Wow. Excuse me a moment while a bask in that thought . . .

Back to the point of this post. I am going back to work and I'm wondering how I am going to manage it. Here is the arrangement: I will work 4 hours per day, 5 days per week. I will be doing this from home at least 4 of the 5 days. The schedule is somewhat flexible - we are still working out which hours I will work, but I will need to be working the hours that are agreed upon. My manager would like me to work 10-2, but we are going to try 9:30-11:30 and 1:30 to 3:30 for now.

I work in technical support, but the set up is such that I usually don't receive calls directly from customers. They call a phone center person who logs the call or the customer logs the call via the internet. I have an online queue that I pull the calls from. This offers some flexibility, but if it is urgent, I am supposed to call right away. Some calls can be resolved in a few minutes and some take hours. Often for more complex issues, we hang up and I continue to work on the issue remotely.

My manager is in Philly - the other side of the country. I keep in touch with her and my coworkers via online chat.

The trick, as I see it, is trying to look like I am working during those four hours even if I am not. If my boss IM's me, I'd better be able to respond within a few minutes. If a customer needs a call or needs a quick resolution, I'd better be able to do that. If I can't actually work for a given period of time, but can look like I am - and then make up the time later - I think I will be ok.

Do you think I can do that or do you think I need to hire someone to watch LB while I am working?

The dilemma is the money, of course. My current job never paid that well, but I think that is one of the reasons they are willing to let me try this part time, from home. Not to brag, but most people with the company just aren't that great with customers - especially unhappy ones (the company's product insures a steady supply these). The good ones get better paying jobs. This company has hundreds of workers and my division has about 50. I am the first person they have allowed to work part time although many work from home.

So take a not-great-paying job and cut the salary in half. Then take half of that and pay someone else to hang out in my home just in case. I'm not sure if that is worth it. On the other hand, even $600-$800 / month is something. And by "something", I mean savings toward our next IVF w/ DE cycle.

I am convinced we could live off of Brad's income if needed, but I wouldn't be able to save money for a chance to give LB a sibling. That is going to cost around $25,000. With the savings we currently have and putting every cent I make (not paying a baby sitter) we could be more than half way there in a year which is when we want to try again. No, I haven't figured out how we are going to come up with the remaining portion, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. **

Please weigh in with your thoughts . . . Should I try to do it on my own or pay someone to help watch LB while I am working? I guess one advantage of having someone here is that LB would get more attention. I hate that I won't be able to give her all my attention, but at least it is for only four hours per day.

** No, we are not wealthy, but we try to keep our costs down - such as sharing one car and living in a house the size of a typical 3-car garage. Sure - we have a master bath, guest bath, powder room and laundry room - they just all occupy the same space.

Flowers for LB

I love my flowers. I am so very late thanking Kate for them. She presents them in this post. Thank you Kate! You were my inspiration for a new header. I am going to ask Caliope to include a butterfly somewhere.

Sad news. I popped over to Kate's blog to get the links above and saw that she had a new post up today. She found out her best buddy (her cat), Olivia, has inoperable cancer. Please go over and offer her your support.

These are the good times - in pictures

Warning: Nothing but gratuitous baby pictures follow. If you are not in a good space for them, close your browser now. Seriously. They will be here later if you want to look at another time. Since I have often looked when I shouldn't have, I will give you one more chance to pause, take a breath and really think about it. Do you really want to see someone gushing over a baby?

Ok. Here we go . . .











To start things off - a picture I have been aching to take for far too long. I am so fortunate to feel our baby's fist wrapped around my finger.


First nap with daddy (I am a bad mom and stripped her for the picture)



We are going for a walk in the nearby field. I thought it might be too hot to put her head under the sling so she is borrowing my hat.

Daddy can babysit too.

Especially when he is playing Eve

Happy baby!

Post nip bliss! (On the left is my baby blanket. We both use it now. On my right wrist is my infertility awareness bracelet.)

Bridges Blog

There is a new blog in town and it's goal is to bring together different blogging communities and not just those from the infertility and loss communities, but others as well. It is called Bridges and this post provides a good introduction. Not surprisingly, it is the brain child of Mel at Stirrup Queens.

To me, it is not only a "one stop shop" to stay in touch with a variety of issues in the infertility community, but a great way to learn about and understand people's journeys outside of infertility.

I am also excited and honored to be a contributing editor for the donor eggs category. I will be contributing some of my posts, but I also want to contribute a variety of views. If you have a post that will "educate, tell a story, bring awareness, and build community" regarding donor eggs (or donor embryos for the time being) or have read a post that resonated with you, please let me know. I will need the authors permission before posting.

Currently in my head is a post about a cycle with an anonymous donor. I think at some point I will post our retrieval story and I think something about a cycle with an unknown donor would be a nice compliment.

Now you might want to head over to Bridges because if you haven't been there already, you are already 2 days behind.

30 second post

I need a new look. Caliope will design a header for me, but then I thought that I need a new name too. I'm going to keep the URL

Any suggestions on name and/or a new look?


On the post-LB front I went to the gym for the first time. In the past I would catch myself in the mirror and say (in chronological order):

"I need to get in shape for when I am pregnant."

"I need to get back in shape for when I am pregnant again."

"I look so sad."

"I will be pregnant again."

"I may never be pregnant again."

"Why do I bother?"

"I can't believe I am pregnant again. Maybe this one will last."

"Why do I bother?"

"Wow. I actually look pregnant."

And just the other day . . .

"OMG - I'm on the other side. How did that happen?"

Sometimes I still can't get my mind around it. It actually worked. Although I am already thinking about how we might manage to give LB a sibling, I can say unequivocally that one is so much better than none.

Relapse

While completely innocently perusing Google scholar (I was looking for cesarean information), I came across this abstract. It is a small study and probably not even statistically significant, but it implies that a woman who has a cold within 10 days of embryo transfer is less likely to get pregnant. In the study, the 27 women out of 198 who had a cold all failed to get pregnant. It got me thinking that I only had 2 useful IVF cycles. The third cycle - where we tried 1/2 DS, I had a nasty cold. I remember because I was afraid I would cough out the little buggers (nonsense, my RE assured me). I am convinced doing the fourth cycle right after the third fried my eggs because I had about twice the number of oocytes but they didn't grow as well as previous cycle after day 3. Both of those first two cycles ended in miscarriage, but at least I got pregnant. Maybe if we just tried a few more times, we could have used my eggs.

I know . . . I thought it wouldn't bug me after LB's birth too. At least I didn't think it would bring me to tears. I wouldn't trade LB in for a different version. I think I just want to prove to myself that I can do it - that I am not defective. It kills me that the opportunity is over. If I wasn't successful at 38 years old, what is the likelihood that I would be successful at 41? Somehow I want to redeem myself. I want to prove it wasn't my fault. Which is kind of funny because when we were dealing with just male factor, I never felt it was Brad's fault nor his issue. It was our issue. Until it was my issue and I was defective. Suddenly, I want to blame Brad and his issue (or my RE) because it protects my sense of self worth.

Before I conceived LB, I had asked women who had DE babies when they fully accepted it and moved on. A few said, "I still haven't and I am going to try again with my eggs for a sibling." I thought that it wouldn't bother me. I would have the maturity and wisdom to let it go. Yeah, right.

Pre-LB (ha! a new way to count time) I thought having a natural, home birth would help toward redeeming myself. I thought I would come through that feeling more powerful - that I do work. That didn't happen either. Although I don't think about the cesarean birth that much, when I do I am either sad or angry or both. Maybe we will get lucky and have a second child and I will be successful with a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). Maybe we will even try again with my eggs, although I doubt that. Maybe, just maybe, at some point these two failures will stop haunting me. Not that it is a constant shadow, but the thoughts do creep in - especially in the evenings or when I am tired. Sometimes they hit me pretty hard.

I want to say, because I don't think it comes through in print, that these negative thoughts don't quite have the weight they did pre-LB.

On a somewhat related topic, I overheard Brad talking to Little Butterfly the other day. He was trying to quiet her and said in a sing song voice, "I'm sorry sweetness, there can be only one drama queen per household and that position has already been filled."

Um, do you think he means me?

Quick EC update

I am surviving my first encounter with the fertile mommy world. It has been fine, in fact, because the people in the group pretty much stick to the subject - Elimination Communication. The only time it is difficult is when they have had many examples as in, "I didn't EC my first two kids, but with my third and fourth . . ." bleh.

The consensus is that we are doing pretty good. A few things I am going to do differently: more time outside to potty - I think I may have made her upset by holding her next to a cold potty; focus more on signaling when she eliminates rather than trying to actually catch it; wear her in a sling more often (babies tend to like it until they have to go)

My wonderful, amazing, supportive, resilient (to put up with me) friend Stacey - yes the one at LB's birth as well as Ernest's - gave me a baby sling that I can feel comfortable getting messy. It is a nice dark brown color.

She also gave me the cool sling pictured below (not quite wearing it correctly, but I am getting better). The sling below has UV protection and we have used it quite a bit on these warmer days. I can nurse in it and when in the sun, I can put the tail over LB's head. I love it.

This was taken on our first trip to a local bakery that we would often visit during our IVF cycles because it is only a few blocks from the clinic and has great chocolate croissants.


The really cool thing is that she makes these and other styles and sells them at affordable prices. Please check out her website babymoonslings.com

Thanks Stacey for the slings and all your support for the last 6 years as well as your help and advice since LB has joined us. I don't know what we would do without you!